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Comedy writer/producer: @funnyordie, @mischiefbig, formerly UCBNY; starting pitcher for the LA Dodgers

1,268 Following   872 Followers   4,432 Tweets

Joined Twitter 6/23/09

Shit I already forgot who’s running for President. Is there a way to get some kind of constant reminder everywhere… the Mueller report is actually fascinating @YoniTime I found your cousin “Listen up, can I have everyone’s attention real quack?” Employee: “He’s ducks!” Boss: “Aw, quack.” {Boss’s s…
Retweeted by Darren MillerI've read the first paragraph of every article on the internet
This is a bold move from a very brave man and I hope everyone appreciates the risk he is taking here. @travishelwig I wish things were different @travishelwig Travis you didn't have to do this I feel like people would've been fine just waiting a lil while longer @mikescollins It's gonna completely change his perspective on everything tbh he's gonna wanna rewrite some stuff @ben_rosen This is giving me nightmares and I'm not asleep yet
Hello! I would love to make music for you at a very reasonable price Podcast that needs a jingle? I got it! Funn…
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@HalleKiefer @JessBurkle My favorite is “House Rules For Dating My Teenage Cider” - but what can I say, I’m a sucker for rom comsPATIENT: But Doctor, I am Pagliacci! DOCTOR: Eric... PATIENT: ...Yes? DOCTOR: Do you believe you’re Pagliacci, o… you idiots left facebook and now I get ALL THE GOOD STUFF. Don't come crawlin' back now, it's too late! If you… @DancesWithTamis wsup thats what chickens do thoif only we can figure out how to get them to moMO... TO... THE POLLS! @HalleKiefer You should at least watch all the Cider House Rules franchise - this happens in almost all 16 films in the canon @cottoncandaddy so u can do the one on the left real good
I hope this is your whole feed today. Lets hook our boy up. Just saw him again this weekend and he’s back, guys. It…
Retweeted by Darren Miller @travishelwig I remember back in junior high when the cool substitute teacher sat *on the desk* and I thought "damn…, I'm not here for joy. Still want my feedback?
@BenRameaka It gets me every single timeMarch Madness is so fun cause every game and even press conference you get a well-timed reminder of “oh yeah, these… is a scare word they've hurled at every advance the people have made. Socialism is what they called publi…
Retweeted by Darren MillerThis tweet and thread is making me laugh a lot please enjoy thx u when will JK Rowling reveal something about 𝒽𝑒𝓇𝓈𝑒𝓁𝒻?
@cottoncandaddy @NateCanDo Honestly can’t believe this plan worked, she’s been talking about it for months now
@kevinvmead @robmichaelhugel HELLO I LOVE TODOIST @DanSpenser I feel like you’re actually underestimating the number of fonts you have
@DanSpenser This counts!!! @DanSpenser More Pagliacci jokes! More Pagliacci jokes!!Receptionist: "Dr. Wilson, Pagliacci's here to see you." Pagliacci: "NO, I was gonna do a bit in the room!"
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My teacher: I noticed you didn’t turn in your art project today Me: how bout u notice that @DancesWithTamis @cottoncandaddy jonathan safran foer’s worst book
I wonder if people in Venezuela are like, “oh, you want capitalism??? I guess you haven’t heard of a little place c…
Retweeted by Darren MillerHonestly if you do marketing for a toilet paper company and you haven’t turned a ferris wheel into a giant roll of…
@DanSpenser ***~Inspired~*** by your recent activity @DancesWithTamis So tru thoyour 👏🏻 guacamole 👏🏻 fountain 👏🏻 will 👏🏻 go 👏🏻 brown 👏🏻 unless 👏🏻 you 👏🏻 set 👏🏻 up 👏🏻 the 👏🏻 lime 👏🏻 juice 👏🏻 misting 👏🏻 apparatus 👏🏻
Retweeted by Darren MillerJust want to congratulate everyone on making it to the last day where it’s dark out super early. You were all brave…
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“For lent I’m giving up sentencing guidelines.”waterchestnuts- if you love corn and potatoes, have a waterchestnut.
Retweeted by Darren MillerMy favorite season of Black Mirror is every season of The BachelorFinally caught up and saw Colton jump the fence and it was fucking B-E-A-U-T-I-F-U-L but honestly also v sad tbh I hope everyone is okay 🙏Ask your doctor about Farxiga. Farxiga: the only word left. @mikescollins Cause his prank worked
“wow, the city of new york is almost like another character in this” - me reading the mueller report
Retweeted by Darren MillerI can see why he made this mistake given his extensive work with Matthew Calamari, inventor of calamari
@karilouhamm Do a whole channel backwards! @DanSpenser I get this done weekly and it’s CHANGED MY LIFE @vornietom This is the content I crave
@porters Oh no. Sounds pretty bad. @porters Can u just like cut It off and mail it to me @porters I’ll look at it, but not with you, I gotta do this 100% on my own @HalleKiefer I love that you wouldn’t remember tweeting this before
@lilyblueyez This made me laugh so hard @ben_rosen It’s her favorite band (even though it seems possible they may not actually exist)!!!!GOP now just straight up admitting the electoral college is a racist institution designed to over-represent white p…
Retweeted by Darren Miller @cottoncandaddy Wait what happened to all the Gracie Hugheses in Canada? Are they... alive?
@alexandra__ford They left you to find Shelly Miscavige @alexandra__ford This is big @kevinvmead HONESTLY THERE KIND OF ISGod I can’t wait til that bachelor jumps over that goddamn fence. I’m foaming at the goddamn mouth.
A true Must Stream.
Retweeted by Darren MillerWell first of all, fuck Carl - he hasn’t returned my texts in a week and now he’s out drinking with all our friends…
@MikeFalzone Damn. Life is about tough choices, huh @MikeFalzone Hey Mike, fuck/marry/kill @mikeepace I listen to it on 2X speed cause it sounds amazing that waypodcast host: "Were you weird as a kid?" podcast guest: "Oh, for sure." podcast host: "How so?" podcast guest: "…
Retweeted by Darren MillerPlease add your favorite show intro with fully mapped rhythm and melody below. Thank you.Fromthenewyorktimes, I'm... Mi-chael-bar-baro. This?, I’m Matthew Calamari, inventor of calamari andalsoafewotherthingsdon’tworryaboutit. I’m here today to tell you… @allysoncurrin Oh good! Patriot is the best mix of intense drama and intense silliness ive ever watched. @travishelwig Dude just smoked a blunt AND did your taxes @allysoncurrin Have you seen “Patriot” on amazon prime?The Bachelor blows me away every time. It’s just normal for this dude to visit multiple women’s families and ask mu… BOSS: how many times a day do you get up and go to the bathroom just to get away from your desk? ME:
Retweeted by Darren Miller @jmillstein It’s like why aren’t you on this committee? No one is asking these hard questions.1st tattoo: a quote from Dante’s inferno it symbolizes man’s attraction to sin and transgression 30th tattoo: a sa…
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All of you are acting like there isn't a kind of bird that can talk and you can just go buy one.
Retweeted by Darren MillerIf climate change wipes us out before the new season of Killing Eve premieres imma be so madBREAKING: Cohen to testify that Mueller report is finishing up and potentially coming soonWow he potentially committed a crime!? Looks like we’ll potentially finally have him with his potential back agains… @MikeFalzone And the rest of us put “ghost”
@cottoncandaddy Every moment of our lives has an anthem. And that anthem... is made by 30 Seconds to Mars ✊🤘 @cottoncandaddy Are you forgetting THIS relatable and REAL love letter to our *incredible* city? @JakePlunkett It’s so typical Mets fan to be watching Rookie Of The Year on a Monday morning in the off-season, the day after the oscars @Potstick3rs @DancesWithTamis Oh no!This year my son was born and I only saw one movie in the theaters and it was The Favourite so I think I should get…
Wow, that makes seven rings!
Retweeted by Darren Miller @allanmcleod Dude u saved all of us
dude you were in government for 9/11 lol
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@jasonflowerz Would like a more detailed breakdown pls @DancesWithTamis Oh noA Star Is Born reviewed by a robot
Retweeted by Darren Miller @DancesWithTamis u hav a good voice thoBIG TECH: Check it out, we made a folding phone! EVERYONE: Oh cool! BIG TECH: Yeah! Wanna buy it? EVERYONE: What? N…
Folks, don’t be fooled. It’s confirmed that bots and disinformation campaigns have begun. Don’t fall for them. Supp…
Retweeted by Darren MillerWe couldn’t get a quote from them saying how great our app is so we just quoted the part where they just state what… @shl Gumbridge The Open Gumroad