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Comedy writer/producer: @funnyordie, @mischiefbig, formerly UCBNY; starting pitcher for the LA Dodgers

1,162 Following   821 Followers   4,263 Tweets

Joined Twitter 6/23/09


💅 https://t.co/g4G6CfcMLz
Retweeted by Darren Miller
1/18
2019
Charmin's new commercial said racism is bad so I cut off my entire ass.
Retweeted by Darren Miller @cottoncandaddy @dubstep4dads Don’t listen to her this is important the people need to knowWrite-in Catherine O’Hara in 2020. We can do this.
Retweeted by Darren Miller @JakePlunkett Wait are you ok
1/17
2019
I love this. Once you see death, there’s no looking back. It’s truly liberating. https://t.co/2PzRMFdig6
Retweeted by Darren MillerLet's say you wanted to train a facial recognition algorithm on aging. What would do? Maybe start a meme like… https://t.co/M4gPlbXNMj
Retweeted by Darren Miller
1/16
2019
The Birdbox Challenge is cool cause it doubles as fun way to get into a car accident AND a fun strategy for dealing with climate changethis is the transcript trump doesn't want you to see https://t.co/HflBikq1oJ
Retweeted by Darren MillerBREAKING: Every Democrat You’ve Heard Of running for President in 2020
1/13
2019
Awww, lil baby Anton Chigurh! https://t.co/smmN8fALjX
1/12
2019
@MattMattMayer Whoa sounds like you're gonna be in there A WHILE.This show is wild. https://t.co/yUCiccFdU0
Retweeted by Darren MillerThe moronic right-wing attacks on @AOC have obscured how central her scathing critiques of the Dem Party were to he… https://t.co/FSVGZDqsjk
Retweeted by Darren Miller @jmillstein I just feel like why couldn't they turn this into a revenue model and save the theater. It's like... ri… https://t.co/VDBvfyO4fx @drujohnston Is this about the beast though
1/11
2019
Cool, so @KamalaHarris, @SenGillibrand & @CoryBooker are kowtowing to the likes of Jonathan Gray of Blackstone - th… https://t.co/dCkVtJtLSU
Retweeted by Darren Miller
1/9
2019
What are the rules for a rose ceremony on The Bachelor? If someone is offered a rose, how long does everyone on the… https://t.co/zjoAmWpptAThe Bachelor is a fun show where 30 women roast one potential mate for being a virgin and then he dates all of them… https://t.co/NnWa3Lcyuf
1/8
2019
Alright I’m just gonna say what all of us are thinking: Clint Eastwood should host the Oscars.Hey if we're givin out 10 million bucks, you can tax me at least 75% on it, IDGAF, I'll undercut these bozos any da… https://t.co/CsZW6qY6p41/ On the left is a teenage AOC dancing with her friends as part of a nationwide viral video craze. The Right calle… https://t.co/N3dzIbn6St
Retweeted by Darren Millerslur? https://t.co/maZ6CGxeKm
Retweeted by Darren MillerMother Feels A Little Validated After Daughter Who Stayed Out Late Gets Murdered https://t.co/AmwonZU5JChttps://t.co/eIotxGKKQ4
Retweeted by Darren Miller
1/6
2019
Far Right Logic: Starving 85K Yemeni kids to death •¯\_(ツ)_/¯ Ripping babies from mothers •¯\_(ツ)_/¯ 400 mass sh… https://t.co/JfBrGZ1sxB
Retweeted by Darren Miller
1/5
2019
PSA: @donspoems is back https://t.co/GFCnGa0y6x
1/4
2019
Well, @AOC is officially done. She’ll never recover from the world seeing her... (watches video) ...dancing ado… https://t.co/7hlz88MckA
Retweeted by Darren Miller
1/3
2018
@averymonsen If you see or smell bleach anywhere in that house, run.
12/31
2018
@averymonsen Is that the only room that staircase leads to!?!??
12/30
2018
@DancesWithTamis This is the most visceral reaction I’ve ever had to a tweetMy baby doesn’t talk yet, except for when I’m wearing glasses and he rips them off my face, stares me dead in the e… https://t.co/Ynw8gXb0vBSTUCK IN MY HEAD BEFORE BABY: 🎵I think I found myself a cheer-lead-er🎵 STUCK IN MY HEAD NOW: 🎵I’m a powerful dump… https://t.co/8nZ0ckHEvXIt must’ve been expensive to get that transformer in Queens to explode and form the words “Bumblebee has a 98% on R… https://t.co/AlQCUEtMdS @nsilverberg Typically when Netflix leaves a signature like this it’s about two things: power, and control.
12/28
2018
In 2020!? What is this, a presidential campaign? HOW MUCH BUZZ DO YOU NEED? Okay fine I’m in. https://t.co/KJSM44VHCZ @cottoncandaddy My god. This is huge news.“Well, roll the camera anyway. Let’s just have some FUN!!!!!!”“What’s that? You’re canceling the Master Class? You can’t act your way out of— but you can act your way out of any… https://t.co/GXO6mM2m6z @cottoncandaddy ARE THESE YOUR DOGS??“Hi, I’m Kevin Spacey. If you’ve been told you can’t act your way out of a paper bag, take my Master Class and I’ll… https://t.co/iC8zRmkYbvUgh they’re already playing Christmas music like everywhere
12/25
2018
How To Eat Eggs (By Keaton, Age 10 Months) 1. Demand removal of bib 2. With bib off, receive spoonful of eggs 3. Dr… https://t.co/s2RqDYAzHD
12/24
2018
@megh_wright Thank you for extending it!Candy Executive: “For some godforsaken reason, kids loved your ‘candy corn’ idea. What else you got?” Me: “Candy...… https://t.co/rtGpthWSTW
Retweeted by Darren Miller
12/23
2018
@MikeFalzone I call it a Just-In-Case-There’s-Soup Spoon and it makes it a lot easier to breatheBack in my day when Jon Stewart was alive, all you had to do is wait for him to go on TV and point out how much Tuc… https://t.co/I4MziaevGShttps://t.co/fCzdMm3YYS @travishelwig Yes very good @DancesWithTamis @ben_rosen This is the one
12/20
2018
I can’t go to Marwen. I’m an analyst!
12/19
2018
@mikescollins When you’re fighting against oppression, sometimes you can’t help but show just how bad it’s gottenGuy on the street in a full suit said on the phone that if he gets 1 more call from a telemarketer at their company… https://t.co/AWtALrOTy2If it’s an exact replica, why is it signed by Roger and not David, like the real one is? https://t.co/f0wnJ4n6NV @DancesWithTamis @1followernodad I’m at the regular doctor right now and I’m just worried about him punching me in the faceHate when I’m working a small town case and the God damned Feds get involved
Retweeted by Darren Miller @mattklinman I would trust your dismay a lot more if you had a brand partnerI’m starting to suspect my baby might be an undercover cop. If I ask him straight up he has to tell me, right?Don’t just host the clickbait, BE the clickbait https://t.co/P1GP4Xg58K @DanSpenser Oh man. This is the best. @DanSpenser Holy shit I can’t believe this happenedHm does anyone happen to know if Bumblebee has a 98% on Rotten Tomatoes?Man goes to doctor. Says he's depressed. Says he feels all alone in the world. Doctor says, "Treatment is simple… https://t.co/RKtfkDSP5w
Retweeted by Darren Miller
12/18
2018
I hope at least this is an education for everyone on twitter who slammed Bernie for not sharing his list with the D… https://t.co/cHGYCHTf1m
Retweeted by Darren MillerImagine if this was a real photo of “millions lining up” for a specific credit card, behind some kind of warehouse,… https://t.co/uK45Sdui25Delivery is a bold move for Subway considering their entire business model is 45,000 stores pumping the smell of br… https://t.co/KvwXPGzE3e“IF ONLY WE CAN GET THEM TO *FLOSS* TO THE POLLS IN 2020!”
12/17
2018
And my god, if that’s not his real dog, I’m gonna effin FREAKHey Chantix, if this house where Ray Liotta is playing fetch with his dog isn’t his real house, I’m gonna find out,… https://t.co/BFvGU4Ec8lInstead of mocking Stephen Miller's spray-on hair, we should be working to stop his vile policies. Whoa. Just saw… https://t.co/Q3WY2y6VM9
Retweeted by Darren MillerThe Booshell Boom is upon us. We knew this day would come. https://t.co/dPEraRCD4b @porters When the baby is asleep it’s your one chance to finally catch up on... looking at Twitter.BUT HOW WOULD HE PAY FOR IT wait https://t.co/dzFaza6E2GSaturday night! Time to obsessively scroll through Twitter for no reason WITH A BEER!
12/16
2018
@kevinvmead Thanks it was hard work I went to ED school for 69 years @kevinvmead Yeah that's definitely ED. Cool. @kevinvmead But do u still have ED
12/15
2018
https://t.co/fNr65YysMi
Retweeted by Darren Miller
12/14
2018
Here I am at Miami art Basel https://t.co/XV0XBQ6Oii
Retweeted by Darren Miller
12/13
2018
pagliacci: but doctor...i AM pagliacci doctor: oh yeah i think we met at kathleen's baby shower pagliacci (snaps fingers): i knew i knew you
Retweeted by Darren Miller @DanSpenser Dan, no, don’t do this. Please.I still can’t believe we wasted the phrase, “Laser Jet,” on printers.
Retweeted by Darren MillerAn extraordinary interview on so many levels, don't miss it! https://t.co/NuX05Nbpur
Retweeted by Darren Miller @MattMattMayer Everyone here is wrong it’s Willy Wonka and the Chocolate Factory
12/12
2018
when Mother’s milk tastes especially sweet https://t.co/3M8qVOWhnI
Retweeted by Darren MillerIt’s crazy how Tucker Carlson IS the answer to every question he decides to ask https://t.co/T2lMAAnwPb @natasharothwell @realDonaldTrump I will never get tired of thisNaked From The Waist Down Spider-Man (for https://t.co/wekeKeiGSs) https://t.co/CNjFgz3LxX
Retweeted by Darren Miller @DancesWithTamis I think this means you host the Oscars nowI just remembered when Brett Kavanaugh cried about how his dad used to keep a calendar while his dad was still alive and right behind him.
Retweeted by Darren Miller
12/11
2018
Uh oh, it's a 2 sec establishing shot, time to check my phone for 10 mins.
Retweeted by Darren MillerFinally caught up on @TheGoodPlaceNBC so I can write my annual “how the fuck can they possibly top this finale” twe… https://t.co/32PkkZWfGT @boozan Oh no why hasn’t this been answered yetHey I wrote this this thing about my baby getting pissed at all of us for not fixing climate change. Hoping to make… https://t.co/ElUSleKOIM
12/10
2018
would really love to see two businessmen swap ties after a great meeting the way athletes exchange jerseys after a… https://t.co/iqO6k4XfQM
Retweeted by Darren Miller
12/9
2018
I think no one should host the Oscars just have a hand sticking through a hole throw the awards at people
Retweeted by Darren Miller @cottoncandaddy Oh wait I think this is the one that IS that. I don’t know it’s all a blur. Anyway, yeah, I gotchu. @cottoncandaddy It’s pretty hit or miss but at least it’s not baby-fied versions of shitty pop songs!
12/8
2018
"You spent 9 hours desperately trying to soothe your baby with the same music this year" https://t.co/kspUdgBOdw @DanSpenser Bro, it’s LIT tho wish u were hereFollowers, ASSEMBLE! Jason Saenz is a truly good person who’s suffered a sudden, catastrophic medical emergency but… https://t.co/7q2hjMCTGw
Retweeted by Darren Miller
12/7
2018

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