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Comedy writer/producer for @funnyordie, @mischiefbig, formerly @ucbtny; starting pitcher for the LA Dodgers

1,414 Following   906 Followers   4,618 Tweets

Joined Twitter 6/23/09


Tweet above video: here’s an incredible video! Video: here’s an ad for soap! Wait where are you going
6/13
2019
@suesmith666 But also............ imeancmon @travishelwig Do you think you’ll be able to find a good one that you can sign or trade for and is healthy and want… https://t.co/KEPrjbbACwlol she had to give up and say “I don’t know, I don’t know what I want, let’s just go look at this castle”Oh man the bachelorette is great she just had to ask the producers if someone could tell this dude what she means w… https://t.co/qG3stsisLNhey @DNC please do a climate debate. i’m a single issue voter and my issue is Not Letting My Grandchildren Die In A… https://t.co/80oXxXs99u
Retweeted by Darren Miller @suesmith666 Look some tattoos are topical and it’s important to be able to look at it in the context of its origin… https://t.co/zeMG2gn1vFExcited to release my first feature film on Cameo for $17 am I doing this right
6/12
2019
For me, "until now" has always just looked and felt like "until now." 𝓊𝓃𝓉𝒾𝓁 𝓃𝑜𝓌... @csingel No I need it to convince me it’s locked while I’m on the inside and actively prove it to me @MatthewKJohnson I’m okay with this I think we can never ask too much of our locks
6/11
2019
Can someone please invent a lock that takes the extra step of actively convincing me it’s actually locked? @aparnapkin I think it’s my favorite show everif you want to know just how shameless the alt-right grift game is: all of steven crowder's tweets over the past we… https://t.co/1mAOE5oBKQ
Retweeted by Darren Miller
6/10
2019
When people say they do things "religiously," I assume they mean twice a year out of guilt.
Retweeted by Darren Miller
6/7
2019
I’m trying to rehearse this symphony with my orchestra but Common keeps skipping across the stage talking about AI
6/5
2019
Imagine thinking we need to find a compromised "middle ground" between saving the planet and the financial interest… https://t.co/xgZQ10w64d
Retweeted by Darren Miller @porters @KimKardashian Oh no, it’s both, you’ve double peaked. I’m so sorry. @porters @KimKardashian Good luck ever making anything as good as this ever againMy favorite part of the Apple announcement is when they basically claimed they invented bitmoji
6/4
2019
Friendly reminder that no one is more tortured by the heart-wrenching story of The Giving Tree than the guy who wro… https://t.co/sQxYWAeBytStill questioning everything... Do I... Do I really feel the way I feel (da-daDAna da-daNAna dadadada nananana)?Today I waited on hold for an hour and Walking In Memphis played 4 times then I put the NBA finals on and the first… https://t.co/3pq7q92Puf
6/3
2019
Tough choice. https://t.co/TzdYnu5ChG
Retweeted by Darren Millermost children are bad actors especially compared to me an adult
Retweeted by Darren Miller @katefromky WebMD says palm cancer :-/
6/2
2019
@goddersbloom twitter dot com - where you can hear from the very best and worst people on this terminally ill planet AT THE SAME TIME!Introducing FREXK: the new whatever the fuck I don’t know who cares at this point we have too much shit alreadyEvery state with a democrat majority in its state legislature should be doing this immediately https://t.co/5NiEjf73MG
6/1
2019
A lot of people are asking, so here is a diagram of how I was able to operate the King Ghidorah costume in the new… https://t.co/kHwaYdVkCB
Retweeted by Darren MillerHow many days of eye twitching before you have to admit that it's happening? @MatthewKJohnson Well in the future it's a term of endearmentDon't give us part 2 we didn't even deserve part 1 https://t.co/ow4VU1aAIt*30 years from now* SON: then why'd everyone stop making tv shows? ME: well Fleabag came out and we all decided n… https://t.co/76G55r9Eh5 @bowenyang This shouldn’t be on the free tier of twitterWARRIORS: It couldn’t possibly be any easier to root against us! RAPTORS: Oh cool I guess we’ll have fans— DRAKE:… https://t.co/bE7CsMFAbd
5/31
2019
@mattbooshell In good company https://t.co/2lHM1FLSRJ
5/29
2019
Hey @AmericanAir just FYI you don’t need a whole library of other movies and tv shows in-flight. This is all anyone… https://t.co/vQJz26XjH7
5/28
2019
Wow I guess none of my millions of followers are Miami airport experts smdhEnded up with some time to kill at the Miami airport. Anyone know about cool secret underground tunnels or illumina… https://t.co/YWVPCuR2Qg @cottoncandaddy He like... lives there lives there? Like they feed him and stuff? Does he go inside and hang with t… https://t.co/MZBKjhlKj7
5/27
2019
Ok TNT... you win. I am broken. I will watch Claws. I will watch Animal Kingdom. I will watch I Am The Night. I wil… https://t.co/xdEp4zRSwB
Retweeted by Darren Miller
5/26
2019
@bennettleigh @allanmcleod https://t.co/v4BGHIagp9 @allanmcleod @bennettleigh I been tryin to find that giant tree all the dogs party in Go Dog Go on Airbnb @travishelwig Any bites yet?No one: Capital One: What if you could buy coffee at your bank!!!!!!!No one: Samsung: What if you could charge each other’s phones with your phones!!!!!!! @vornietom I’ve been seeing how many work lunches I can string together that are just Trader Joe’s lentil soup
5/24
2019
What are some good things to watch on my phone on a plane cause the screen size won’t be a bummer?
5/23
2019
Shows take a lot of work. They take a lot of planning. Fans get excited, advertising pushes hype, and expectations… https://t.co/AxjIqL5Z7C
Retweeted by Darren Miller
5/20
2019
...What do I do now?My god. This show. My god.Wow you all completely left me in the lurch and now I’m starting Fleabag from season 1 like a complete fool
5/18
2019
"yeah see I feel like we had the same original idea, but you're take is definitely better, for sure, like you reall… https://t.co/xYcNZIbJq6What if Andy Kaufman is still alive and he’s Trump? Makes u thinkIf I am elected President of the Internet, I will outlaw articles reporting the existence of a single social media… https://t.co/3dtilr9eqs
5/17
2019
I would like to make a nomination for Most 2019 Thing of 2019 https://t.co/GE6vZQcanhreading this headline is cognitively exhausting https://t.co/vVDOZehrwm
5/16
2019
@MatthewKJohnson Whoa this wasn’t supposed to get this deep @MatthewKJohnson Gold Diggers of Agrabah @DanSpenser https://t.co/lsRko9TazI
5/15
2019
I turned down the saturation in Aladdin so my eyes don't burn https://t.co/8hT3nwRCswWho gives a fuck if a president is likable, we’re not going to hang out. Give me an ice-cold asshole who will keep… https://t.co/l01wdYH6p2
Retweeted by Darren Miller @suesmith666 This means the session is free! It's like when a fast food cashier doesn't give you your receipt. Pretty sure.Who will serve the honor of being designated survivor this year at VidCon?I already hate everything about this season and as always this show in general and I can't wait to watch every second of itWHY 👏 HASN'T 👏 THE 👏 BACHELORETTE 👏 JUMPED 👏 A 👏 FENCE 👏 YET
5/14
2019
@kevinvmead Not with that attitude!!!!!!!!!!!! @KVeraDisavino @kevinvmead We need an Avengers situation (does this metaphor work? I haven’t seen it yet) @KVeraDisavino @kevinvmead It’s also a question of figuring out the best way for each party involved to contribute… https://t.co/cq23YPaFxY @kevinvmead Yeah, both! You don’t have to contribute to the state and make money in order to donate money to people… https://t.co/3HHSAK0j4vWhat if instead of all hosting different podcasts that are difficult to keep up with, we all join forces and host one big podcast!? @ZachBroussard The reviews should be the thing you map and search for in the first place @kevinvmead It’s a compelling argument I think @kevinvmead As much as I love the people I know in Georgia, those jobs going to another state doesn’t mean the end… https://t.co/47ENJ1RJaJ @kevinvmead This is also a valid perspective though https://t.co/rbsn6PLlfX
5/11
2019
George Carin: come for the fun wordplay, stay for the capital T Truth https://t.co/EvaDkS1Kpx @travishelwig Oh no this one’s sadDon’t give your business to Georgia. Will you pledge with me not to film anything in Georgia until they reverse this backwards legislation?
Retweeted by Darren Miller
5/10
2019
@vornietom This is the Hot Take Gold Standard
5/9
2019
Oh, you're experiencing a structural problem? Have you ever considered trying different personal choices instead?
Retweeted by Darren Miller
5/8
2019
@mattbooshell "thanks, oh cool is that a real tree?" https://t.co/jxloe5Q17m @FernieCommaAlex deep cut cuts deeprap & hip-hop https://t.co/ycPMYDyYDU @GhostPanther Damn, whoever picked this terrifying and heart-wrenching thumbnail did their part as well as they could have.I am way more impressed by how many people are experts on "camp" than I am by any of these Met Gala outfits. But I… https://t.co/6YIGtJnzCWWow did not realize if you win the James Beard award the award itself is 3 actual hairs from James' beard. Also did… https://t.co/MwikZuXFA5
5/7
2019
@kevinvmead @KVeraDisavino I have no criticism for it other than I know how many people in production and post prod… https://t.co/acULhzWHKB @kevinvmead Also this is 100% trolling and celebrating a great show everyone is missing cause another great show is… https://t.co/Qs7e8n8Xz4 @kevinvmead OK that's fair, my implication was not clear. My focus is less on which is better MADE and more on one… https://t.co/rf8kEk8jnhThis is a reminder that Killing Eve would never leave an unintended coffee cup in a shot because every frame of it… https://t.co/7WVRhk1hZd
5/6
2019
@MikeFalzone Thank you I hope someday I can become a person who tweetsWell first you gotta lucid dream for free for a while so you can build up a portfolio and start getting exposure https://t.co/3rArj8463A @travishelwig “That’s why I get my eye exams” - James Harden
5/5
2019
when ur built 4 this https://t.co/phvPLVmqms @natemaggio @MattMattMayer Hi I love this @CruzKayne He looked like he had 2 black eyes but it was just tired eyes @travishelwig @BleacherReport @BR_NBA I want a poster of him dunking with THATS WHY I GET MY MASSAGES in huge type @travishelwig Damn @davehill77 @NateSilver538 What you’re describing is a democratic election though. He’s talking about something els… https://t.co/W85r184jTo
5/4
2019

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