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Daveastated @Daveastated Worcester, England

Now I am become Dave, the destroyer of words. *Inventor of the flinglong*

1,017 Following   3,965 Followers   14,146 Tweets

Joined Twitter 5/4/15


Why is it that the one who snores always falls asleep first?
Retweeted by Daveastated🚨🚨🚨11k of you crazies are following me, so let's have a META TWEET CALL!!! Submit 1-2 funny tweets from you and/or… https://t.co/XYqEMIxY1I
Retweeted by Daveastated @MrBonMot I was more disappointed because I'd had a lot of interaction on that tweet. @MrBonMot This is the one I deleted 🤦 https://t.co/slTlx2pBuTI didn’t realise how tiny my wife is until I took her favourite sweater out of the dryer
Retweeted by Daveastated @MrBonMot Nah it's gone.We value your privacy. We always get top dollar for it.The insurance company won’t replace the wardrobe we lost in the tornado, so we’re suing them for redress
Retweeted by DaveastatedTIGHTRHYMES TUESDAY!!! >> Let’s celebrate friends! Send 1 from you and 1 from a friend. I’ll choose a winner. Min… https://t.co/4iQv7mDY2D
Retweeted by Daveastated[Walking home from a date] Her: Did you like the movie? Me: I thought the - Mugger: Your money or your life!! M… https://t.co/h5j2dDuit6
Retweeted by Daveastated @NerdJokeTuesday @damnfinetweet Here's some I remember fondly. https://t.co/kVmMpuxOzb https://t.co/1IeF1Z4pTl https://t.co/YCVbmUjOHyTHEME: Nostalgia! Link 1-3 jokes, new or old. It can be about fuzzy feelings for history, Saturday morning cartoon… https://t.co/x4NVmx9B2C
Retweeted by Daveastated @HowlerCo BrUrRapIf I take care of you before you ask me to, it's just pretend. #1pun @ok_girlfriend Is it run by A-Tree and Tree?Whenever I get discouraged and want to quit something, I remember the words of my then 3 year-old after she puked c… https://t.co/TfZpke6k8B
Retweeted by DaveastatedIf you're walking in a forest and stumble upon some Spanish food that looks like the Battle of Hastings, don't worry. It's a tapas tree.
Retweeted by DaveastatedIntroducing a 2 step verification for my kids before they can enter my room in the morning. Step 1: Get washed and… https://t.co/RiVh8gJmWXI’ve invented a metal container for storing ceramic plates underground. I call it a Chaucer, because it’s a can to… https://t.co/XrT4rTcGjO
Retweeted by DaveastatedWeather This Morning: Expect heavy showers, imagine standing under a Triton T80, currently on offer at Screw Fix.… https://t.co/SMe4qGAtx9
Retweeted by Daveastated @ravenswng_ I thought this was pretty funny. https://t.co/Tn1iF2qWvu Have a good week 🙂🏆MLK WEEKEND UPDATE🏆 Did YOU tweet something Funny over the past weekend (1/5-1/18) that could use more ❤️? Link… https://t.co/12Uf6Uwezf
Retweeted by DaveastatedWomen looking for a holiday fling make use of a travel lay gent. #LunchPun #RateMyPunToday, i tried to run with a mask on, but i couldn't. It reminded me of those times when i tried to run without a mask and still couldn't.
Retweeted by Daveastated @RahulKudva That one was a tickler.My kid asked where babies come from and I said everywhere, man, they’re worldwide.
Retweeted by DaveastatedSo today I just got my anonymous survey results from last year's students. Apparently this past year was my best y… https://t.co/Wy22ilvUV9
Retweeted by Daveastatedalways nice when a 7yr old draws you. really humbling experience https://t.co/aYoW9OsdlH
Retweeted by Daveastated @thesammyhannah Is this not a photo? @RahulKudva Form a barbecue. @Richard05257441 🤑🤑🤑If the cat climbs into a house guest’s lap, I like to freeze and whisper, “Are you feeling okay? She only does that… https://t.co/WKSkACMR2G
Retweeted by Daveastated
1/19
2021
When it comes to ribs I have a want rack mind. @HowlerCo lonemy favourite bit of a tv series is at the end when i can finally read the reviews to work out how i felt about it
Retweeted by DaveastatedOverheard a woman yelling at her husband for paying more attention to Twitter than to her....Or at least that's what I think she said to me.
Retweeted by Daveastated2019: no carb diet 2021: too drunk to eat an 8th piece of pizza
Retweeted by DaveastatedMe: Pica card, any card. Friend: Isn't it pick a card? Me: *eats cards*
Retweeted by Daveastated @thesammyhannah @CarbonatedCB I do my best Sammy but there are plenty better than me. Thanks though 🙂Boss: We need a new name for Redundant Airlines Me: How about Super Flew Us?
Retweeted by Daveastatedhow about a movie about an elusive tuna called can me if you catch
Retweeted by Daveastated @RahulKudva I just want to avoid the pink slip. @AllanForsyth Thanks Al @frkneejerk Thank you 😊 @ThugRaccoons @AmandaRNH Love it.Me: That’s a very interesting sculpture Her: It’s Mayan Me: Yes, I know it’s yours. You don’t have to be a jerk about it
Retweeted by Daveastated- Bit unorthodox for an interview, but I want you to email my colleague in our London branch & start a heated argum… https://t.co/Rq4Av6BqcT
Retweeted by Daveastated @ph8713 Thank you, I'm glad you do 🙂I don't invest in stocks. Because I don't share
Retweeted by DaveastatedFoghorn Leghorn: Hey, What’s, I Say, What’s The Big Idea, Son? Me: A 13-year-old boy wishes to get bigger in size… https://t.co/sI6s7uN8V4 @ADHDeanASL 👏👏👏 https://t.co/nRSH5g3T6PCrazy as it sounds, an American marsupial once actually consumed an entire steer. People said it was inpossumbull
Retweeted by DaveastatedIf you need a great pick me up imagine Christopher Walken singing 'If you're happy and you know it'
Retweeted by DaveastatedSuper glue is just glue sent to earth from a dying planet
Retweeted by Daveastated🔥💥5k TWEET CALL💥🔥 Hey I hit 5k! Thanks everyone! Submit ONE tweet for RTs. Might do a few reads too.… https://t.co/JSe0e1xEF3
Retweeted by Daveastated @NaomiSeu @BuzzFeed Better than what I usually roll in. @NaomiSeu @BuzzFeed That's why I get the big Twitter bucks.**TWEET CALL** So my beautiful, intelligent, funny, caring friend @NaomiSeu recently discovered she had made a few… https://t.co/ypv3Pc1SKL
Retweeted by Daveastated @notmythirdrodeo @CarbonatedCB Mom⁵ thanks so much. @goodowens @NaomiSeu @BuzzFeed Is that indy pendant advice?Co-Worker: I'm Pregnant! Me: [Goes to gingerly put a 0 on the 'Days without an accident' sign] Boss: [Shakes head… https://t.co/spCVeraNiq
Retweeted by DaveastatedPine: I’m 150 yrs old and don’t really know anything about my roots. Oak friend: you should try Ancestree dot com.
Retweeted by Daveastated @CarbonatedCB Thanks very much 😊 @CarbonatedCB Here's a few for you. Have fun 🙂 https://t.co/S0ijGfErVb https://t.co/37te8UMpxL https://t.co/VWyidJaF1e***Tweet Call*** Please submit original PUNS/WORDPLAY, old or new from you and/or someone else. My funny friends… https://t.co/pCDOO9BnmT
Retweeted by Daveastated @NaomiSeu @BuzzFeed Not a clue. https://t.co/sww4UOX778 @tog1989 Disrespect the national anthem? That's something I won't stand for.her: so I’ve been reading Pride and Prejudice me: um , that’s Fox News with the captions on
Retweeted by Daveastated @notmythirdrodeo "It is a truth universally acknowledged, that a single man in possession of a gun, must be in want of another gun"Some things are better when they are made for you like coffee, choices, and sandwiches.
Retweeted by DaveastatedI love it when they dock my wages because I'm paid in boats.- This may seem unusual for an interview, but now I'd like you to scream, then hit me, sneeze, and finally put on o… https://t.co/OWStf3eW2i
Retweeted by DaveastatedMy dinner at Medieval Times was expensive because of all the Sir charges. #LunchPun #RateMyPunThe most successful maker of short-sleeved football tops in Ancient Greece was Soccer-Tees.
Retweeted by Daveastated @mxmclain @perlhack @JodingersCat @eleniZarro @notmythirdrodeo @NaomiSeu @mom_tho @Kryzazy @DavidAdt1 @JasonNotEvilhttps://t.co/69bm4AdEw3I know normally I retweet you, but then I started actually reading them
Retweeted by Daveastated
1/18
2021
Me: *slides envelope across table* everything you need to know about me is in here. Them: but this is empty Me: *nods*When you saw only one set of bird prints, is when I carried you https://t.co/xedBIG7ByL
Retweeted by DaveastatedDue to zero innovations in packaging: Flour spillage in 1779, 10% Flour spillage in 2021, 10% https://t.co/t5ODTkjgDM
Retweeted by Daveastated @Darlainky @UncleDuke1969 The king of poop.Why is it called hoarding and not stockhome syndrome
Retweeted by DaveastatedTrent Reznor the day after eating maize at the fair: LOL NINcornpoop
Retweeted by Daveastatedof course the egyptians communicated in pictures, have you tried spelling hiyroglyffics?
Retweeted by Daveastated @dabrnxinaz @DameSpunky Thanks very much 😊Everyone in my 'same interests' group agrees that echo chambers are bad. @TheFaceOfDave I was gonna say "caters pillar" then saw the comic 🙂The plural of butterfly should be buttersfly.
Retweeted by Daveastated @LazyFunday @damnfinetweet Here's 3. https://t.co/zb6ntCohsK https://t.co/dnLpQNMMXy https://t.co/yFzlQ5dt0J🚨Contest time 🚨 Theme: Essential Workers❤️ Today we would like to shine a light on those with often thankless job… https://t.co/zlZYfpCf5d
Retweeted by Daveastatedif no depressed, why want be comedian?
Retweeted by DaveastatedI'm pretty rude, but not "bus driver who doesn't always wave to other bus drivers" rude.
Retweeted by Daveastated @LunchyMcPunface Thanks very much. I'm over the moon. https://t.co/WoNtuYyk2JI hope this email finds your grandpa Yours sincerely Missing persons.Is it hand-gliding or hang-gliding? Anyway, sorry for your loss.
Retweeted by Daveastated
1/17
2021
@damnfinetweet @geowizzacist Thanks so much 😊- I've just hit the ‘Thong Song' singer with a fake cream pie, and then did the same thing to a quartet of youngste… https://t.co/bDj08S0cpv
Retweeted by Daveastated @saturdaycontest @damnfinetweet Here's 1 https://t.co/sdCSTLAiRRMy joke about subtlety is very old, but it was new once.
Retweeted by DaveastatedMe: wow I really need to fix that leak My ADHD: yeah ok I get that, but what about polishing every metal surface i… https://t.co/0vttvgXrFW
Retweeted by DaveastatedThe Dr at the hospital was crushing on me big time. She said I couldn't leave until she'd checked me out.
1/16
2021

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