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Writer. I wrote this bio. Staff writer @thedad, @bunnyearsweb

876 Following   131,674 Followers   52,545 Tweets

Joined Twitter 12/14/11


I don’t know why I examine the ingredients on the can of every drink I enjoy. Like oh yeah this Pepsi Max Raspberry… https://t.co/3tHXeK2yFh
Retweeted by David Hughes
1/23
2021
[arrives late to meeting] Sorry I'm so late, my youngest son, Ethan [holds up picture of Ethan blowing out candles on a cake] is an asshole.
Retweeted by David HughesHate it when people see you have a cat and then say “I’m not a cat person” ok good for you, I’m not a double denim… https://t.co/3bT0vTpSd2
Retweeted by David Hughes
1/22
2021
Quick reminder that you can see more of this sort of thing over here: https://t.co/UNNBcVV5Go and I’ll be putting more stuff up shortly!Me watching my kid play Super Mario and not collecting every single coin. https://t.co/MQg1zQr85T
1/21
2021
Kids are upgrades of their parents. I met my dad once at 24 and never saw him again. Easy upgrade. At 4 my son is… https://t.co/NibSW1C1Pk
Retweeted by David HughesCan’t believe Trump pardoned Bowser.The media wants you to believe that 2005 was 16 years ago.me ordering mcdonald’s for the second time today https://t.co/QyTMIblgoZ
Retweeted by David Hughes
1/20
2021
Cop: you're under arrest Me: why Cop: your dick is half out Me: it’s all the way out Cop: ... Me: ... Cop: ... Me:… https://t.co/GlNfP5SfTi
Retweeted by David HughesSometimes I think I’m an intelligent person who has the capacity to learn new things, then I remember that I’ve bee… https://t.co/WpEqTFSMMQ
Retweeted by David Hughes
1/19
2021
We need more authenticity in the Super Mario games. Like every once in a while his phone should go off and he’s lik… https://t.co/uVC2hJwnSG
Retweeted by David Hughes @DutaFlorinescu @Joeingram1 Thank you ♥️
1/18
2021
I’m not sure about the vaccine. I watched a 6 minute video on YouTube and even though I keep saying “now I’m no exp… https://t.co/0wnwhyJ1n6173 today. https://t.co/mT5WRfu5tF
1/17
2021
@MikeWu365 Source?This isn’t cute. This is the reason we kill geese and use their feathers to stuff pillows. This puppy is a problema… https://t.co/EBpA3uLqto
1/16
2021
The movie 'Up' is utter bullshit. I tied 57,000 balloons to my house & my wife didn't die.
Retweeted by David Hughes
1/15
2021
I meant to tell a kid at school that my dad would fuck his dad up but I forgot to say up & after a week or so his f… https://t.co/kwMH59CFLE @chilliwaves2010 You can stay! @chilliwaves2010 Is that allowed right now? @iMcMahan 👀Not to alarm anyone but Scooby Doo first appeared on our screens in 1969 so in dog years, he’s 416.Everybody‘a mad at me like it's common knowledge to wait til after the eulogy before you start clapping. Sorry I di… https://t.co/EYPsjFLtPrJust bought a Jedi an Italian pastry. He’s owe-me-one-cannoli.
Retweeted by David HughesIf Bill Hicks was alive today he would look a lot older
Retweeted by David HughesNot all heroes wear capes. Some of em do though. Superman does. Red one.
Retweeted by David Hughes
1/14
2021
[wife drops me at the airport] Wife: have a safe flight Me: I have no say in the matter Wife [already driving off]: die then
Retweeted by David Hughes
1/13
2021
@hansmollman No the xfiles oneSorry but every bit of Sully is pubes. @ItsRossBrierley @MooretaPodcast Oh I’m gonna have to go check that out, I can’t remember the music at all. @MooretaPodcast Columns! @nukehead @2frost2furious @KeetPotato @PleaseBeGneiss Agreed my fiancé ♥️ @nukehead @2frost2furious @KeetPotato @PleaseBeGneiss Thanks friend @bearbubb AWOMEN 🥰
1/12
2021
@MissyAnthropist @anniespjs Yeah it’s on my timelime too. Remarkable 😂I'd love to get in touch with Emilio Esteves. Does anyone have his emailio addressteves?
Retweeted by David HughesI haven’t done a history vlog in a while, and if any week warranted it it’s this one. Thanks for watching https://t.co/PyUpaU2d8m
Retweeted by David HughesEveryone's judging my 'Only God Can Judge Me' tattoo. This is not how this was meant to go down.
Retweeted by David Hughes @jonpinder3 I feel you judging me for itIf I say “but who am I to judge?” it’s because I am in a very good position to judge.
1/11
2021
@AlCampbeII @simonstalenhag God I love MoonWho had Donald Trump as the first president most likely to start an onlyfans? @derekmcdaniel 100%. “Any sides?” Yeah more.
1/10
2021
@DragonSpooker Spread the word @Austin_Federa No it’s an asschair what are you a copI give it another week before the government tell us aliens are 100% real to distract us from the real issue of why… https://t.co/C54lVPdyao @whispous Flaccid for liquorice 🤢 @whispous Hard for cheese @mfhorne Those jokes were far more valuable and pleasing to look at than that chair. You are welcome. @mfhorne Not my fault you made me weigh so much @MC_ClapYoHandz_ He gets it @StefenColalillo Not if I fuck them @mfhorne I was never up and down. I was the perfect guest.Horny for mashed potatoes.Therapist: do u blame yourself for your parents divorce Me: not really Therapist [quietly while reading through notes]: you probably should
Retweeted by David HughesThe rest of you can see stuff here https://t.co/5OqJbO5VXE
Retweeted by David Hughes
1/9
2021
@MrJoshEarl She probably ate the other half like an apple the fucken lunaticThis poor woman. Someone must have told her, as a joke, to wipe an onion on your face to help with the mace https://t.co/msXyj9Li9KWhen I say “I’m not judging” I mean I am judging, I just don’t want you to judge me for being judgemental. @schmoyoho Man it’s perfectAnd this is the other funniest thing I’ve ever seen. Go tell @BruceMacK123 to send me more of theseShoutout @schmoyoho this is the hardest I’ve laughed maybe ever. Fucking hell 😂
1/8
2021
@TimothyJ_23 @schmoyoho Ah ok, all good man. Yeah beneath the video is the link to that page https://t.co/VG7GqnhW9Y @TimothyJ_23 @schmoyoho Says who and where it’s from below the video @jattmohnson I am fucking dyingThis is the funniest thing I’ve ever seen https://t.co/7eEl3Zd19WMy friend @BruceMacK123 sent me this at 7am. https://t.co/AVsFZ6jPan
Retweeted by David Hughes2021 eased us in with bean dad, it knew we couldn’t take a coup right out the gate.Hard to believe Bean Dad was almost a year ago.
Retweeted by David Hughes @TwerpyDerpyDerp You heard em @BruceMacK123This was about an hour later. https://t.co/TGTOMg98TdI hear they leave the keys to the White House under the doormat.New season of America is insane. @mandark172 I wasn’t allowed out that day @awhalefact @jazz_inourpants I heard Eli has a harpoon though @jazz_inourpants @awhalefact It whales @jazz_inmypants Account suspended at 88m 😩Just goes to show, the Area 51 thing wouldn’t have been that difficult.
1/7
2021
@AtheistBender Yes sir!! ♥️ @Piecezilla *sigh* okTurns out there’s a few of you Perth people here who don’t use Instagram. Understandable. Here’s a few more dates.… https://t.co/E3QP5Uu7ak @watsonsara @BruceMacK123 @DougStanhope I think vodka is next @elhornet @BruceMacK123 Terry’s chocolate orange is food for the eliteMy friend @BruceMacK123 sent me this at 7am. https://t.co/AVsFZ6jPan @Blloyd4 @rickygervais @KathLoughnan 3 years to get me into a suit? Challenge accepted @stouffers @thedad 👨‍🍳Toddler: what’s for dinner? Me: spaghetti cake! Wife: just call it lasagna, you’re going to confuse him Me, quietly… https://t.co/hSqpRm8q8b
Retweeted by David Hughes
1/6
2021
My comedy special "Pork Palace" is out now. It's only $7.99! Get it here: https://t.co/4BenlufA00 https://t.co/D3UBkuAK8I
Retweeted by David Hughes @bea_ker Oh so you’re a Trump supporter @bea_ker Shut the fuck up it’s not like that @bea_ker The hours are rough man
1/5
2021
My wife isn’t on twitter and today she said “so what did Mr Bean do to his daughter?” and it took me a few minutes… https://t.co/3U57yJdTGpHappy new year mayonnaise is chicken cumJust caught him using my phone. https://t.co/I01bYKXk0p @thot_feminist @dzrts Someone must be scrolling my likes 😂
1/4
2021
@kayshawoollery So I gotta go back?Elon Musk: space Guy who works for Elon Musk nodding and taking notes: space Elon Musk's accountant: space Me from… https://t.co/OcvfGLqo4v
Retweeted by David Hughes @hansmollman His head was not in the game.┏┓ ┃┃╱╲ in this ┃╱╱╲╲ house ╱╱╭╮╲╲ we ▔▏┗┛▕▔ ╱▔▔▔▔▔▔▔▔▔▔╲ finish our puzzles before feeding needy l… https://t.co/zHJsoYpYjk
1/3
2021

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