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Django Gold @django New York, NY

comedic entity // writer for @colbertlateshow, formerly for @theonion // laughter my chariot, truth its steed

817 Following   15,562 Followers   8,605 Tweets

Joined Twitter 7/7/11

stop making fun of the My Pillow guy. would love to see your order to get a good night's sleep, I try to stop looking at screens 1.5 seconds before I go to bedChastity belts were hacked and the only way to unlock them is paying in Bitcoin. A Late Show writer @django has the…
Retweeted by Django GoldMarilyn Manson has torn up a Bible per show since like 1993, and today Christianity is stronger than evermaybe the NRA can finally hold a bake sale like in that poem or whateverone unexpected part about getting older is suddenly being out of touch with the young people of today and their oddly-shaped backpacksmom: we have $2,000 at home
*removing eye from spyglass* "by gods, men! it's some kind of... SELF promotion!"What if a mime wore a little sign that said “tap for sound”
Retweeted by Django Goldultimately, the purpose of small talk is to make me feel sad for some reason I can’t put my finger onI didn’t know you could invite people over and then just decide they’re not allowed to use your bathroom. That’s pretty cool
Retweeted by Django Goldintroducing Twitter for Kidsif I was a member of Congress, I would bring in all my papers and stuff in a Supreme backpackone very funny thing is how YouTube music reviewers can’t clear the copyrights for the music they’re reviewing, so… I think it's a good thing that after five years of nonstop coverage of his every word and move, I know m…
@kathbarbadoro it's not making the winter blahs any easier, I'll tell you thatvery disappointing to learn that Armie Hammer, who was in that movie where he flew to Italy to have sex with a child, is a bad person IRLI got my dick stuck :('ve abandoned my cart! I've abandoned my order!
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"everyone gets a trophy" culture sure seems to be a problem in Congress, where everybody gets five minutes to give a stupid speechWhen you’re announcing your new substack
Retweeted by Django Gold @django
Retweeted by Django Gold @jp_mcdade yes, perfect, excellent. and thanks again to @MakeAWishwe need a president who will support my CONSTITUTIONAL RIGHT to put my ARM around a celebrity when forcing them to… Attenborough narrate me fucking up an omelet challenge"Hi Django!" is the perfect email greeting, because it conveys the excitement I feel when someone is about to ask me for somethingStuntman of the Year
Retweeted by Django Gold @BrettRedacted @kathbarbadoro no way he votes @kathbarbadoro Amy is a great callas a father of daughters, here are the Futurama characters that would have voted for Trump @DrennenQuinn that's a good ideaso then what did Arnold Palmer call it when he mixed his semen with his pissI bought cilantro AND parsley if anyone wants to come by in a few weeks and watch me throw out some shitthe most depraved hedonist among Caligula's merry band of pleasuremongers would not choose to "add an egg" to their hamburgerTrump’s presidential library is going to be a tripped out, fucked up, brain bomb psychedelic-fascist nightmare, and…
@aaronrblake_ @HelloCullen attaboy @McJesse you need to look at his whole body of workdefinitely didn't see this coming bet when Nick Cave sings "Happy Birthday" to someone he does it all nasty and fucked upevery website should do this @Ripperwarren nice capeJaco Pastorius was a pioneer of the idea that the bass could sound annoyingsomehow they both look like the guy who goes, "duhhhh, but what about da rabbit, boss?" to one another companies unilaterally choosing which individuals should be censored could set the precedent for far more unde… job opening at the Late Show for those of the animation persuasion. must have proficiency in giant mallets, anv… way, bro, this is just a- just a- *pushes wad of Skoal aside to take long sip from Bud Light aluminum bottle*…
Tony: Hey! Quit bustin' my balls ovah heah! Paulie: (wearing nothing but stilettos and rubber shorts) Sorry, Ton.Armie Hammer calls his publicist to handle the DM fallout.
Retweeted by Django Gold"I'm gumfa cumf." — Marilyn Manson lost 4,000 followers after Twitter cracked down on alt-right accounts, though this also coincides with the debut… can't be right is not who Ween are
we must send a message that white supremacy cannot be tolerated in America, unless you’re subtle about it @MayorOfFartTown we did it @MayorOfFartTown thanks, TimboI’ll know things are back to normal when I return to my subway station and see a Juilliard-educated cellist playing… @joezimmerman organic dried mango, cowboy barkpeople coming down on comedians who do OnlyFans, as if some guy paying you $30 to stuff a Heineken bottle in your a… @croninwhocares no jail can hold me :(I have synesthesia, which means that when I’m watching a porno I can immediately tell how many tits the woman has
with 1984 in the news, I just want to point out that you can make a classic rock playlist that goes: Jimi Hendrix… hilarious that these guys thought they could evade capture by shaving their trademark beards say we all join Parler so we can keep owning President Trumpnight of the yuge kniveslistening to the music of Charles Mingus always takes me away to a different place, and that place is: hobo funeralthis type of anti-free speech technocracy is like something straight out of... [thinks back to the only book I can… free speech implications here are chilling. Chilling out by the damn beach in sunglasses drinking a beer because they're cool as hell.
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take away Paganini's violin while you're at itat least the vaccine rollout is going really well
@MykaFox k, hold onmy endorphins are dropping, someone drive a car into the Space Needle @sasimons some journalist @ByYourLogic also that second photo was taken at Camp Biscoeverything is so political lately @jeremylevick a dark dayat some point, every comedian has to make the choice between their principles and occasionally getting paid $50 to… you won't allow intruders into the castle until they answer your riddles three welcome the indie rock-cum-fascist revolution, and in fact I look forward to my firing squad execution featuring… and think about how horrifying it is that we live in a country where police can kill you if you're sleeping pe…'t wait for South Park to break this one downFrom having done open mics, I have met someone who arrested the Central Park Five, someone else who went on to murd…
Retweeted by Django Goldbad day for our country, great day for Twitterhypothetically speaking, if Trump decides to launch a few nukes right now, do we have any recourse other than complaining about it after?got the Q drop ordering me to steal a stapler off Chuck Schumer's desk, awaiting further instructionhopefully Trump's supporters will be peaceful as they aimlessly wander the streets of DC, drunk on their own potencyand now here's a reporter in a Canada Goose parka to explain how the people are feeling
Retweeted by Django Goldwe need to eliminate the capital gains tax to make sure this never happens againit's gonna be hilarious after this riot fizzles out, and the glass gets swept up, and Congress resumes, and Ted Cru… @DrennenQuinn patriots, please! there is NEVER an excuse to interrupt a session ;)I really wish I was still doing Pothead Trump right nowabout to release my web series like I promised. it's about what if my stuffed animals could talkI can't believe Les Miserables with fat goatee guys is happening
Retweeted by Django Goldgreat day for Carharttcelebrating the triumph of American democracy by posting a crude drawing of Stacey Abrams giving me a soapy bathat least Kelly Loeffler doesn’t have to ride around in a pickup truck anymoreAmbulance Sirens Around the World (sound on)
Retweeted by Django Gold @feraljokes oh, from the dr seuss book
@carolrhartsell Carol, you know you're always welcome 'round these parts