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Cheap and cheerful. Coin-operated writer @TheDailyMash #TheMashReport @NewsjackBBC

675 Following   889 Followers   12,263 Tweets

Joined Twitter 1/19/13

Trump's new Twitter password is kag2020! btwfurtherhencemoreth @AlexNoonan1996 Nicewhen is the government delivering lasagne by drone again?I used to watch this after a long hard day at primary school lugging this lunchbox around
It’s an egg. is the way the world ends, not with a bang but with a word from our sponsor, Raid Shadow Legends. Raid Shadow… Badalamenti talking about writing Laura’s theme is a constant reminder that there are nice things in the wor…
Retweeted by Demonic Cadaver
This didn’t need to be this good gingerbread man in the #GBBO sponsor ads who’s burnt himself in the oven, is he ok? Like, in the head?Pasties on #GBBO? Welcome to my domain.Watched nine episodes of Malcolm in the Middle today. Personal best!Me, looking up from the chopping board with inflamed eyes: I wash my hands so I don’t get burning chilli peppers in my peepers again. @philiplickley I had the same reaction but it's household income, not individual.
@ianberriman I’m down with that. Easy money. @SiHodges79 Oh yeah! D’uh! @tomkins_oliver Not in my ridiculously high maintenance neck of the woods.Just heard someone call hand sanitiser “han san”."What more can I say?" said Avril Lavigne before elaborating across multiple versus and choruses.britain's top secret agent has a catchphrase which is slowly and clearly telling people his real surname, then his…
Retweeted by Demonic CadaverCan I sort fractions better than a ten-year-old? No. But can I control my emotions and navigate the adult world bet…
Retweeted by Demonic Cadaver @rhiannoneshaw @JohnGeeMcCarthy *laughs bitterly*
@drwhopodcasters And Blackadder dies by driving a car to test his you get the idea @rhiannoneshaw Loving the total lack of context to this tweet.A new Blackadder series where Edmund is a SPAD to Hugh Laurie’s bumbling PM and Baldrick is Matt Hancock if that makes sense??
Retweeted by Demonic Cadaver @rhiannoneshaw :(who is she? theme. Dolls struggling to write novels.
Retweeted by Demonic CadaverLad swaggers into the First Dates restaurant. Him: Oi oi! Is this my date? Get in! Her: 🙄 Him: Sorry I'm late... I…
@chloe_porter First Dates couple who had a really lovely date and are asked if they want to see each other again: Her… dad is making me clear out his old books 😭 but... behind them in the pages & on the shelves I found HUNDREDS of…
Retweeted by Demonic Cadaver @ianberriman Bit late for that mate tbhWhy do I keep seeing adverts telling me not to use my toilet as bins? I’m not. Chill. @OllyGibbs Oh! That’s my neck of the woods!
When people talk about having a normal Christmas this year
Retweeted by Demonic Cadaver @jakecampbell88 It utterly destroyed me. @fireh9lly I thought he only co-wrote series 1. Explains a lot if he's behind the rest too.My brother’s only gone and written a book. AND put it online. AND made it available for FREE. Read it with your eye… @Sara_Rose_G It’s... “interesting”.My side account has just hit 1,000 followers. Give it a follow if pictures of Daleks are your sort of thing. new life goal is to get one of my Mashes retweeted by Trump under the belief it's real news.oh my fucking god used to work with someone who thought fish were plantsIf we defunded the arts we wouldn't have the Snoop Dogg Just Eat advert. Good luck getting through the second lockd…
Retweeted by Demonic Cadaverit hates the windy beach
Retweeted by Demonic Cadaver @IlaydaArden I once saw an arts org offer a working class grant and one of the criteria was candidates shouldn’t ha…
Young Trump looks like a possessed factory owner from a 7 part Jon Pertwee story.
Retweeted by Demonic Cadaverwild that Róisín Murphy's tweets are free70 birds naturally playing guitar in random synchronicity is one of my favorite art expos ever made
Retweeted by Demonic Cadavergod, Mads Mikkelsen on the blower again asking me for more tips on how to look stylish 🙄podcast called "too many guys" and its just 12 guys trying to talk at the same time
Retweeted by Demonic CadaverNot even watching telly anymore. Just pop it on for some background noise and company like the radio.If we defunded the arts we wouldn't have the Snoop Dogg Just Eat advert. Good luck getting through the second lockd… breaker? I barely knew her! 🤪 @ellyshawcomedy Bored Shreddies.what all your baby pictures look like to me down my favourite episode. If the show ended here, what a high to go out on.
@IlaydaArden Lol same 🤪Haven’t started my life again in about 5 years. Probs dueBoring, isn’t it? Staying in watching Peak Practice with your life. @ianberriman Ooh, you're tough.So much depends upon the Black Books series 2 DVD menu playing on a loop for hours way back in 2002could really go for some jaffa cakes rbn @ianberriman @ThisisDouch @NewsjackBBC @TheSkewerShow @bbcbreakthenews How would one get involved?! @IlaydaArden maybe accessorise with a coquettish fish skeleton? @IlaydaArden fishnetswhen you're binge watching a show and the actors age between seasons that Friday feeling any day of the week by losing your grip on reality.Might write a book called Blue Sands purely for some free advertisement via that episode of Black Books #nichetweetwriting is so embarrassing
Retweeted by Demonic Cadaver
Me as a dad, catching my son watching X-rated movies online: I don't care how long it takes, we're going to sit dow… @MGElliott This is so amazing!POV: We're on a first date but I can only think of one question
Retweeted by Demonic Cadaver"You there, boy! What day is this?" "Today, sir? Why, it's #OralBPrimeDay"
@rhiannoneshaw MokingWhen Kurt Cobain sang “after dinner I had ice cream” I felt that.Hooray! Some good news!'ll help us all to lose weight 👍 like pure shit just want him back'm working on a very exciting project* 😎 *eating lunch
Retweeted by Demonic Cadavermy next job in cyber
Retweeted by Demonic Cadaver @FrancescaHaig "we are fast learners, and you are not as complex as the rainforest." @crinolinerobot Aaaah! Thanks Mim.Somewhere, in a publisher's hard drive, The Ladybird Book of the Coronavirus exists.Government: Ditch your dreams and become a robot. Also government: Omg we're not saying you need to ditch your dreams and become a robot 😂Me, springing out of bed: Time to rethink, reskill, reboot!
@ZoeTomalin phe-yew! That's a real weight off my mind“Yep, and that means you, the couple in the middle row, I can hear you!” the Odeon pre-ad voiceover says to me and… @everindecisive I had no idea it was happening until a couple days ago. Argh yeah that would’ve been great. Maybe in 2021/2022.Just watched Akira in the cinema and feel like I’m walking home through it started how it's going
@josh_snares The Birst Boctor Bho.Desperate to see @weareourgirl live. In the meantime I'll make do with watching this (again).