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The Devil's right hand man 𖤐⸸ Check out @aBloodyMachete

3,290 Following   20,456 Followers   105,957 Tweets

Joined Twitter 7/16/15


Congratulations! It's a goth! https://t.co/qHbiDZKFgEIf you read my tweet and laughed but didn’t retweet or like it, just know that I’m mentally slapping that smile right off your face
Retweeted by 𖤐 Father Drinks McGee 𖤐The gang violence in this city is getting out of hand. https://t.co/1Mc6VXytROYoda: Luke, check my mail you will. Luke: There's only one letter here and it's addressed to a Mr. Layheehoo. Who's… https://t.co/rxI6fq1esu @saturdaycontest @toomanycommas3 @damnfinetweet Thanks https://t.co/14nphY3f92Y'arrrrrrrrrr https://t.co/9lzKoWkHzj
11/28
2020
When a pirate is about to cum. https://t.co/BwzKTvWbjJ
Retweeted by 𖤐 Father Drinks McGee 𖤐Hopefully someone will do a fight me tweet today
Retweeted by 𖤐 Father Drinks McGee 𖤐If you cut me right now, you'll see red liquid but you won't know if it's blood or a nice pinot noir.
Retweeted by 𖤐 Father Drinks McGee 𖤐What a first date with me looks like. https://t.co/2pSd0LaTVS8: What's a VCR? Me: It played video tapes. 8: Video Tapes? M: Like cassettes. 8: Cassettes? M: Like an older CD. 8: CD? M: *pours bourbon
Retweeted by 𖤐 Father Drinks McGee 𖤐What I imagine everyday life in Australia is like. https://t.co/Ogshcam3VZ
Retweeted by 𖤐 Father Drinks McGee 𖤐Him: Damn it, Ruth! The cat stole my penis again! Her: Did you offer her the fish, Murray? Try offering her the fis… https://t.co/q3MeGaSd7u
Retweeted by 𖤐 Father Drinks McGee 𖤐[Toy Store] Customer: I’m looking for a toy that will help my baby learn to count but will also haunt him for the… https://t.co/z1VFs0DdMy
Retweeted by 𖤐 Father Drinks McGee 𖤐“there’s plenty more fish in the sea” bro we’ve ruined the planet, no there aren’t
Retweeted by 𖤐 Father Drinks McGee 𖤐My husband just asked me what I've been doing today like he doesn't even see me drunk in our hot tub.
Retweeted by 𖤐 Father Drinks McGee 𖤐My boyfriend died after falling into a giant vat of coffee at work He didn't suffer, it was instant
Retweeted by 𖤐 Father Drinks McGee 𖤐sorry cinderella but if he couldn't recognize your face without your designer shoes on I have some news
Retweeted by 𖤐 Father Drinks McGee 𖤐Yet another night...while my roommate kanoodles with her bf, I wait by the cave opening for the pizza delivery https://t.co/jPsxZYW8F0
Retweeted by 𖤐 Father Drinks McGee 𖤐Saw a white mask in my mother’s laundry basket and briefly but very intensely panicked until I realized it wasn’t a thong
Retweeted by 𖤐 Father Drinks McGee 𖤐To be honest, I’m pretty thankful for the CDC for encouraging my family not to come over today.
Retweeted by 𖤐 Father Drinks McGee 𖤐Maybe not after your Thanksgiving weight gain https://t.co/qStBxDPnlc @Crazy_ButCute2 Imma steal thisWE WOULD HAVE BEAUTIFUL BABIES, @ShortSleeveSuit!!!! https://t.co/Cfw9FtXTx9 @BBFTC1 Thanks! https://t.co/pIV6ECQ5WnNobody ever steals my tweetsJUDGE: you’re charged with 718 counts of arson towards literally everything you come in contact with what do you ha… https://t.co/viNkvbAL43
Retweeted by 𖤐 Father Drinks McGee 𖤐Okay, Marvel, you’ve got my attention. https://t.co/ft9axU9cus
Retweeted by 𖤐 Father Drinks McGee 𖤐And a Diet Coke please https://t.co/bvR3C8sExiJesus died for big booty hos 🙏🏻
Retweeted by 𖤐 Father Drinks McGee 𖤐Me:  ⬆️⬆️⬇️⬇️⬅️➡️⬅️➡️🅰️🅱️ Her: That's not what I meant when I said to play with my tits.I swear, I thought this was Godzilla at first. https://t.co/qHVIT9fh2OProfessor X: what’s your superpower? Me: forgetting everyone‘s name immediately after we met Professor whatshisname: get out
Retweeted by 𖤐 Father Drinks McGee 𖤐Black Friday: Walmart has added Covid to the list of things that can kill you in their stores today.When I hear a piano in the background I just know something fucked up is about to happen.
Retweeted by 𖤐 Father Drinks McGee 𖤐“How does the book say to ask?” “May I please have some food.” “And, what did YOU say?” “I don’t remember.” “What d… https://t.co/NCaY5Gg2pb
Retweeted by 𖤐 Father Drinks McGee 𖤐Icarus won his rap battle by rhyming dickarus with thiccarus.A shit so epic I qualify for maternity leave
Retweeted by 𖤐 Father Drinks McGee 𖤐Never have I felt so seen in all my life https://t.co/03Ty0BWi5D[every morning] Me: Do you need to go outside? Dog: Me: Outside? Dog: Me: Do you need to pee? Dog: Me: Go poop? G… https://t.co/YjRFA7V7fj
Retweeted by 𖤐 Father Drinks McGee 𖤐Boss: What are you working on? Me: Ugh. Trying to make this deadline Boss: I'll leave you to it, then Me: [goes back to Christmas shopping]
Retweeted by 𖤐 Father Drinks McGee 𖤐I'm too old for this shit. - me, doing literally anything
Retweeted by 𖤐 Father Drinks McGee 𖤐The Black Friday sale at CVS is dark af https://t.co/mrPIZWIp6DBest anti-vax argument I've ever seen. https://t.co/QLnn6KpenoWhen piano is life. https://t.co/7tSYZHC5yXI seem to have left my serenity to accept the things I cannot change in my other pants.
Retweeted by 𖤐 Father Drinks McGee 𖤐I think NASCAR would be much more exciting if, like in a skating rink, every 15 minutes someone announced it was time to reverse direction.
Retweeted by 𖤐 Father Drinks McGee 𖤐Hear me out, vuvuzelas on Zoom calls
Retweeted by 𖤐 Father Drinks McGee 𖤐I never realized how boring I really was until someone asked me what I do for fun... I have no fucking idea... nothing... 👀
Retweeted by 𖤐 Father Drinks McGee 𖤐♫ In the jungle, the quiet jungle The lion sleeps tonight!♫ LION: Yknow, I actually WAS sleeping in the quiet jung… https://t.co/zrYwm00obH
Retweeted by 𖤐 Father Drinks McGee 𖤐The most endangered animals in the world, today: • Seychelles sheath-tailed bat • Amani flatwing damselfly • Mad… https://t.co/gTvfN7FYuN
Retweeted by 𖤐 Father Drinks McGee 𖤐ME, meeting a king: Nice to meet you, sir. KING: No, it's "sire." ME, voice squeaking: ᴺᶦᶜᵉ ᵗᵒ ᵐᵉᵉᵗ ʸᵒᵘ, ˢᶦʳ.
Retweeted by 𖤐 Father Drinks McGee 𖤐on thanksgiving, im grateful for this sweet https://t.co/6RBNqOY4SM
Retweeted by 𖤐 Father Drinks McGee 𖤐If I ask you, "Are you in line?" what I mean is meet me halfway in solving our nation's ongoing issue of checkout line disarray.
Retweeted by 𖤐 Father Drinks McGee 𖤐Just made eye contact with a stranger thru the crack in the stall door. So I panicked and I blew him a kiss.
Retweeted by 𖤐 Father Drinks McGee 𖤐Autocorrect changed “yesterday” to “taterday” "Now it looks as though it’s here to stay Oh, I believe in taterday"
Retweeted by 𖤐 Father Drinks McGee 𖤐There is nothing more insulting then your cat starting to bathe itself IMMEDIATELY after you get done petting it
Retweeted by 𖤐 Father Drinks McGee 𖤐If you go on Facebook live you've hit rock bottom
Retweeted by 𖤐 Father Drinks McGee 𖤐Usain Bolt is fast and all, but he hasn't seen my with my Crocs in sport mode
Retweeted by 𖤐 Father Drinks McGee 𖤐 @AndrewsNotFunny My English teacher gave me a C- on this.I'm embarrassed to say how much time I spent making this. https://t.co/vMmX0QFo3WWhen Fido gets into your stash. https://t.co/IGq68sTycWi am hungover today so if you could all tweet in lower case that'd be great
Retweeted by 𖤐 Father Drinks McGee 𖤐To clarify: DOJA CAT is a 25-year-old rapper, singer, and songwriter. DEJA CAT is the strange sensation that you'… https://t.co/SN0Mj4H7wG
Retweeted by 𖤐 Father Drinks McGee 𖤐Rejected titles for "The Queen's Gambit" (2020): - Knights, Knights Baby - Pawn Hub - Mate Expectations - Checks M… https://t.co/8sbcHOMo3o
Retweeted by 𖤐 Father Drinks McGee 𖤐 @ShortSleeveSuit Shoot him again. Make sure he's proper fucking dead.What idiot called it grand theft auto and not Motor Fraud
Retweeted by 𖤐 Father Drinks McGee 𖤐wondering whether to air my novel views at the annual steinbeck convention given all the pearl clutching
Retweeted by 𖤐 Father Drinks McGee 𖤐Get your nominative determinism name by taking your name and replacing it with "Fucking Idiot"
Retweeted by 𖤐 Father Drinks McGee 𖤐JUDGE: Order, order! LAWYER: I'll have a Coke please, your honour JUDGE: LAWYER: JUDGE: Will Pepsi do? LAWYER:… https://t.co/ORaFEGgEyC
Retweeted by 𖤐 Father Drinks McGee 𖤐Dear Timmy, I hope this email finds you well. Kind Regards, Lassie
Retweeted by 𖤐 Father Drinks McGee 𖤐Image of my kid walking over to pick out a story to read knowing it’s already past his bedtime https://t.co/hakBkDbbw3
Retweeted by 𖤐 Father Drinks McGee 𖤐The views and opinions expressed by my toddler are not necessarily the views of anyone in our household.
Retweeted by 𖤐 Father Drinks McGee 𖤐5: Daddy, can I help? Me: No, sorry. This is a tough job 5: [robot voice] I. am. a. ro-bot. I. will. com-plete. t… https://t.co/3nxllMxyi1
Retweeted by 𖤐 Father Drinks McGee 𖤐My son asked me what it's like to be married, so I gave him 2 choices then told him both choices were wrong but he had to choose anyway.
Retweeted by 𖤐 Father Drinks McGee 𖤐Animal fact: Penguins can’t fly unless you strap a rocket to their back.
Retweeted by 𖤐 Father Drinks McGee 𖤐My little sister was upset with the doll I gave her and I’m starting to think I should’ve gotten her the Annabelle instead of the Chucky.
Retweeted by 𖤐 Father Drinks McGee 𖤐I didn’t want any cats but my wife did want cats, so we compromised and got 2 cats.
Retweeted by 𖤐 Father Drinks McGee 𖤐My mother just told me she saw a funny picture on the Internet but wanted to know what “M.E.M.E.” stood for and fra… https://t.co/r6jvibH7zK
Retweeted by 𖤐 Father Drinks McGee 𖤐And by “I missed your call yesterday”, I mean “I meant to”.
Retweeted by 𖤐 Father Drinks McGee 𖤐Goes to bed really late. Brain: "it's cool, you can sleep in tomorrow :)" 4 hours later: "haha only kidding wake u… https://t.co/NqzQFd15MZ
Retweeted by 𖤐 Father Drinks McGee 𖤐Started yoga recently. Consider my session this morning a great success, given that I only crushed my penis once.
Retweeted by 𖤐 Father Drinks McGee 𖤐My daughter, an avid learner: “what does wifi stand for?” Me, an expert: “wireless... fireless?”
Retweeted by 𖤐 Father Drinks McGee 𖤐America's Next Top Bottom
Retweeted by 𖤐 Father Drinks McGee 𖤐Imagine if the word for stab was blop "Im gonna blop you to death" "There was a fatal blopping" "Check out my blop scar"
Retweeted by 𖤐 Father Drinks McGee 𖤐Cult leaders will use flattery on you. just wanted to let all my lovely followers know that.
Retweeted by 𖤐 Father Drinks McGee 𖤐police officer: Excuse me sir do you know why I pulled you over? Me: Because you could not make it as a detective?
Retweeted by 𖤐 Father Drinks McGee 𖤐I write other tweets as well https://t.co/2hmPCDu9xA
11/27
2020
If they ever get samples of my brain, I’m afraid there will be too many memories of all the porn I’ve watched
Retweeted by 𖤐 Father Drinks McGee 𖤐If you think you have what it takes to be a vampire, study law; same skillset, better pay
Retweeted by 𖤐 Father Drinks McGee 𖤐 @julcasagrande This is greatProctologist: don’t be embarrassed, it’s normal during an examination to have an erection Patient: I don’t have a… https://t.co/thV89WJOlJ
Retweeted by 𖤐 Father Drinks McGee 𖤐 @girl_a_whirl You know what I likeOld Maid: Did...he?? Maiden: Yes, he said her meat was too dry https://t.co/SGe4VXczdE
Retweeted by 𖤐 Father Drinks McGee 𖤐“That was surprisingly rude!” “hey , i’m canadian, but i’m asymptomatic.”
Retweeted by 𖤐 Father Drinks McGee 𖤐does my ass look fat in distress?
Retweeted by 𖤐 Father Drinks McGee 𖤐Boobs in Doctor who a sport bra tardis 👇 Bigger on the inside
Retweeted by 𖤐 Father Drinks McGee 𖤐Just received a bullet in the post with my name on it. It's so sweet how my girlfriend likes to buy me customised gifts.
Retweeted by 𖤐 Father Drinks McGee 𖤐The worst part of applying to join the Boy Scouts was the knot knowing.
Retweeted by 𖤐 Father Drinks McGee 𖤐Substituting pheasant for turkey this Thanksgiving has quite literally been a game changer.
Retweeted by 𖤐 Father Drinks McGee 𖤐
11/26
2020

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