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Old school cool. Incapable of being unhip.

8,785 Following   38,190 Followers   62,420 Tweets

Joined Twitter 4/19/12


@Jez1 💜Fucking beautiful is the man who doesn’t ignore the woman he cares for.
Retweeted by Kerry on Wayward SonBaby I’m just a man, standing in front of the TV, wondering who would win in a fight between a dragon and King Kong
Retweeted by Kerry on Wayward Sonthe sensuality of being understood
Retweeted by Kerry on Wayward SonDeath hack: listen to dummies.
Retweeted by Kerry on Wayward SonI swear, sometimes I hate being a classy mother fucker
Retweeted by Kerry on Wayward Sonyou’re doing hot girl shit. i’m doing stay in bed, stare at my phone, lazy girl shit. we are not the same
Retweeted by Kerry on Wayward SonTake her to the water and watch her thrive as the soothing sound of the waves drown out the chaos.
Retweeted by Kerry on Wayward SonYou don’t have to pick up all the pieces some are best left where they fall.
Retweeted by Kerry on Wayward SonIt’s hard to find people like her, she’s one in a million. I have to get rid of her.
Retweeted by Kerry on Wayward SonI have nothing in common with people who wake up from a nap feeling “refreshed”
Retweeted by Kerry on Wayward SonDepression dances with me and bumps in to me, and cuts me when I’m down but depression also asks me if I can spare… https://t.co/F8LEzPIPGB
Retweeted by Kerry on Wayward SonI'm a Leo that's why I think you should love me
Retweeted by Kerry on Wayward SonAm I stoned as a kite or am I high as a rock? I want to get this analogy just right.
Retweeted by Kerry on Wayward SonFor my cardio I maintain friendships with two women who don't like each other.
Retweeted by Kerry on Wayward SonI’m so thrilled hockey is starting I could nap
Retweeted by Kerry on Wayward Son @1_vengeful @YSylon ❤️ @pittdave13 🙄 @1_vengeful @YSylon but on the midnight watch you realizedAbsolute mic drop. I’d love to hear someone answer this question. https://t.co/L8KHaNdYO1
Retweeted by Kerry on Wayward SonI’m just a disaster some people relate to.
Retweeted by Kerry on Wayward SonKids, back in my day the Prius didn’t exist, and you just had to guess who the really shitty drivers were
Retweeted by Kerry on Wayward SonOne minute you’re fine and the next minute you can’t stop thinking about a powerful mouse with a fantastic ponytail
Retweeted by Kerry on Wayward SonNot now Mom, I have to dramatically pout on the internet again
Retweeted by Kerry on Wayward Son
1/17
2021
Therapy is a noisy bar in Avalon.I’m out bra shopping. Sounds like hot girl shit but it’s more like 9th circle of hell.
Retweeted by Kerry on Wayward Sonto stand on my own front line
Retweeted by Kerry on Wayward SonI'm starting to think smarty pants is not the compliment I thought it was.
Retweeted by Kerry on Wayward SonMotherfuckers won't listen to a song that makes them sad but will watch the news for 4 years straight. K.
Retweeted by Kerry on Wayward SonAre you there God, it’s me Molly and I have questions. Lots of questions.
Retweeted by Kerry on Wayward SonI’m allergic to my husband. Doctor: ... Husband: Um, I’m standing right here.
Retweeted by Kerry on Wayward SonSideboob so glorious, you’d pay to advertise on it.
Retweeted by Kerry on Wayward SonMy girl likes to Google all the time...
Retweeted by Kerry on Wayward SonEverything I need to know I learned as a GenXer. So, yeah, I’ll figure it out
Retweeted by Kerry on Wayward Son[spelling bee] judge: your word is ‘affirmative’ kid: can you give me an example? judge: yes, I can
Retweeted by Kerry on Wayward Sonever feel like you're just an orange skittle in a peanut m&m world?
Retweeted by Kerry on Wayward SonI never know what to do with my hands when I exist.
Retweeted by Kerry on Wayward Sonthought about cooking meth but i got tired of scrolling through blog posts to get to the recipes
Retweeted by Kerry on Wayward SonOnce in a while you have to reinvent yourself and sue yourself for patent infringement.
Retweeted by Kerry on Wayward Son[2025] “Why are you still wearing that facemask?“ “You mean my blankie?”
Retweeted by Kerry on Wayward SonOh you like apples? Name all the places Johnny Appleseed planted an apple tree
Retweeted by Kerry on Wayward SonSelf-esteem is for people who came from stable homes. My mother decided she was tired of feeding me when I was ten and wished me well.
Retweeted by Kerry on Wayward SonStop trying to make time a thing.Take out the trash without being asked. Women seem to love empty bins.
Retweeted by Kerry on Wayward SonWhy is it called being gassy and not having common scents
Retweeted by Kerry on Wayward Son @saturdaycontest @damnfinetweet Thanks, guys 💛 https://t.co/xqvAdTrfpT @saturdaycontest @damnfinetweet 🧠🧠 https://t.co/ZN0RPbaBMQI don’t think it’s right that they only fine the young cannibals.
Retweeted by Kerry on Wayward SonEveryone knows that when a Karen loses her mind another jar of sauerkraut is created.
Retweeted by Kerry on Wayward SonI’m not exactly hating isolation
Retweeted by Kerry on Wayward SonDon’t mess with me, I have mastered the three emoji reply.
Retweeted by Kerry on Wayward SonMy timline resembles a parade of shriner cars driven by clowns. I'm not mad.
Retweeted by Kerry on Wayward SonI don't drive the fastest car, but my heated seats go from nice & warm to Viking funeral for my sperm count in about 5 seconds flat.
Retweeted by Kerry on Wayward SonI keep writing “year of absolute, never-ending hell” on all my checks, gang. Wait. Still works.
Retweeted by Kerry on Wayward SonThere’s nothing more attractive than a man who wants to grow with you..
Retweeted by Kerry on Wayward SonSometimes I want to perform a blood ritual and summon satan, but with whimsy
Retweeted by Kerry on Wayward SonLet’s frolic in a field of cynicism and despair.
Retweeted by Kerry on Wayward SonFun fact: It’s hard to be funny when you’re dieting.
Retweeted by Kerry on Wayward Sonthere's a certain voice i use when i'm trying to get a man to set himself on fire
Retweeted by Kerry on Wayward SonTreat her right, and her fire will keep you warm... Treat her bad, and it’ll burn everything in her path...
Retweeted by Kerry on Wayward SonHOW MANY CATS DO I NEED TO FILL THE VOID
Retweeted by Kerry on Wayward SonOrbiting oblivion.
Retweeted by Kerry on Wayward SonI miss opening new CD’s.
Retweeted by Kerry on Wayward SonI don't look or act my age.
Retweeted by Kerry on Wayward SonI used to think Calculus was confusing, then I read your last tweet.
Retweeted by Kerry on Wayward SonArt shows us the human condition
Retweeted by Kerry on Wayward SonMy kids asked me how to spell desert and dessert so I told them to type it both ways and see what emojis pop up
Retweeted by Kerry on Wayward Son
1/16
2021
I’ve done a lot of stupid shit but live streaming myself storming the Capitol somehow never occurred to me
Retweeted by Kerry on Wayward Son @ozzyunc @Mr_Friend_Zone @spacewizard_t @spacecrafff @original_af @highmay29 @bartandsoul @SvnSxty @YSylonhttps://t.co/G74p7U3zzCI have a tweet in my drafts folder from November 2019 about anxiety. LMAO.
Retweeted by Kerry on Wayward SonNot to brag, but I haven’t had a beer at the gym all year.
Retweeted by Kerry on Wayward SonBlood Sugar Sex Magik sounds like a holistic diabetes treatment.
Retweeted by Kerry on Wayward SonOne big fuckup can undo all the good.
Retweeted by Kerry on Wayward SonThis is my emotional support hissy fit.
Retweeted by Kerry on Wayward SonClicking on a Fleet only to see a tweet is the ultimate act of betrayal
Retweeted by Kerry on Wayward SonIf you're a child of the 90's named Jerry and you didn't become a race car driver what the fuck is wrong with you
Retweeted by Kerry on Wayward SonI like my men like I like my pasta, with unlimited tossed salad and bread sticks.
Retweeted by Kerry on Wayward Son*Coming unhinged I’M ABOUT TO WALLOW OUT SOME HOLES AND REQUIRE YOU TO REFRAME THIS ENTIRE THING
Retweeted by Kerry on Wayward SonIf you didn’t run down the last three stairs when you were a kid at night because you assumed a killer was at the t… https://t.co/RH20TGbhwm
Retweeted by Kerry on Wayward SonI just folded my kid’s laundry with reckless impunity
Retweeted by Kerry on Wayward SonI love being self employed. I get to be my own boss. The wife: ahem
Retweeted by Kerry on Wayward Son*eats my frosted mini wheats with chopsticks*
Retweeted by Kerry on Wayward SonThis day in history. 1991. Sean Lennon's cover of "Give Peace A Chance" was released with lyrics altered to reflect… https://t.co/II3Web14uQ
Retweeted by Kerry on Wayward SonShe makes me melt. Like an ice cube kicked under the fridge
Retweeted by Kerry on Wayward SonWhen I’m feeling negative I listen to negative lyrics because math
Retweeted by Kerry on Wayward SonPeople are like hot pockets, they may excite you, but don’t go all in too soon.
Retweeted by Kerry on Wayward SonUnpopular Fact: trees do not want to be climbed by anyone but Cats and there will be a reckoning.
Retweeted by Kerry on Wayward Sonbe with someone whose presence is enough to turn the chaos in your headspace into peace
Retweeted by Kerry on Wayward SonI don't stay up late. I stay up till it's early.
Retweeted by Kerry on Wayward SonDemanding the truth and resenting the knowledge
Retweeted by Kerry on Wayward SonYou expect to lose an arm or two but the most dangerous thing about wrestling sharks is falling in love.
Retweeted by Kerry on Wayward SonWhat do people who sign their emails xxx think is happening here?
Retweeted by Kerry on Wayward Son @keepcalm_lauron Agreed 😂fall in love with a song that makes you feel alive again
Retweeted by Kerry on Wayward SonIf I ever say long story short, just know that I’m lying and you should sit down.
Retweeted by Kerry on Wayward SonProps to us for continuously tweeting dumb shit during a pandemic and civil unrest
Retweeted by Kerry on Wayward SonHaving a dick doesn’t make you a man
Retweeted by Kerry on Wayward SonYou seem like someone who thinks everything is a scam but still tithes.
Retweeted by Kerry on Wayward SonTV chef: [cooking snails] me: [through mouth full of untoasted pop tarts] ew gross
Retweeted by Kerry on Wayward SonEXCUSE ME, Ms. fitness trainer, this is my emotional support Jamocha shake
Retweeted by Kerry on Wayward Son
1/15
2021

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