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you've got a Freud in me - just because a tweet went viral doesn't make it good and vice versa - Click the link for tweets👇👇👇👇

1,591 Following   8,119 Followers   39,400 Tweets

Joined Twitter 7/16/10


the first day you leave all the toys in the tub to shower is the day you become a level 2 parent
Retweeted by An English HumanI wouldn’t say I have a problem, but I did help the ladies at my Taco Bell decorate for Christmas.
Retweeted by An English Humanmy four year old mispronounces curse words which is cute and not at all horrifying when she yells “bammit!!” and “cheese crisis!!!”
Retweeted by An English HumanRemember when phone cords were a physical representation of the tone the conversation was taking
Retweeted by An English Human*2yo wakes up from his nap* Hubs: Hey baby, I love you. 2yo: No! *walks over and curls up on my lap* Me: See? It's not just me.
Retweeted by An English HumanMe: [falling off a cliff to certain death] yeah I'm fine haha, this is SO typical me
Retweeted by An English HumanIt's that time of the year to put on my resting Grinch face.
Retweeted by An English HumanMy sport of choice is full contact chess
Retweeted by An English HumanI went to Target to buy one thing and left with only one thing. I don’t know who I am anymore.
Retweeted by An English HumanYoga pants aren't as easy to rip open as porn suggest. In a totally unrelated story I'm not allowed within 500 fee… https://t.co/Ep2V8IgOeF
Retweeted by An English HumanCaught myself talking to my dog and felt pretty dumb. I totally forgot that I'm pissed at him for forgetting my birthday.
Retweeted by An English Human😊😊😊😊😊🤔 https://t.co/G30eQ2SE8c @AstroAngel11 I know 😆 @damnfinetweet @DogGoing Axel and I thank you @AstroAngel11 Yeah 😔 @DogGoing 😆 thank you @Bsmooths8627 @Hammyinmiami 😳 @Bsmooths8627 @Hammyinmiami That's something beautiful people say @maxoupial Not any better 😆 @mxmclain Home movie 😔It sucks being my parents ugliest kid and also an only childNot only do I never want to eat again, I want to uneat all the things I've been eating the last four days.
Retweeted by An English Humannormalize feeling sad, lost, or needing solitude and not feeling bad about it
Retweeted by An English HumanI'm on a writing roll this morning, I think it's because I'm more horngry than just plain hungry.
Retweeted by An English Human @suecorvette @MistressMalevo2 Climb aboardTrick your chess opponent into a false sense of security by asking them what the horsey pieces are called.
Retweeted by An English Human @suecorvette @MistressMalevo2 😆 yes*brings flamethrower to a knife fight*
Retweeted by An English Human @yesteam76 @Chelle_Coops 😳Not to brag, but I haven’t watched a single fleet.
Retweeted by An English HumanRinging the dinner bell, but it’s just me sending him pictures of my ass.
Retweeted by An English HumanHer: I ordered more yoga pants. Me: What’s that make, 45 pairs now, Lana del Rayon?
Retweeted by An English Humanif you sit naked on a poinsettia you’ll get a seasonal depression
Retweeted by An English Human*Buying a can of Pledge I solemnly swear to protect this house against all enemies microbiological and domestic I… https://t.co/QTIclobBd5
Retweeted by An English Humango ahead and jingle all the way. just wear your fucking mask.
Retweeted by An English HumanAccording to legend, if you Like 3 of my tweets, I’ll magically appear before you
Retweeted by An English HumanSneezes are like abrupt exclamation marks.
Retweeted by An English HumanSadly, kids these days will never understand the lure of parachute pants Kid this day: Hey, who's this Mᶜ Hammer guy?
Retweeted by An English HumanIt's a wild race! Out of the gate CC Declined and Divorce II are neck and neck Dog Tired is coming up on Car Repa… https://t.co/WnmLrQOuLu
Retweeted by An English HumanWhen your mom says you have to take three more bites of dinner before you can have dessert https://t.co/AruPc2Homz
Retweeted by An English HumanThe major difference between a mountain lion and a regular lion is that a mountain lion has a winch on his jeep.
Retweeted by An English HumanI don't know anyone that grew up on Flintstone's Chewables that doesn't have an awesome immune system. JS
Retweeted by An English HumanBeing constantly told that I shouldn't be blowing my own trumpet is why I quit the orchestra and got rid of my trumpet.
Retweeted by An English HumanPeople that feel sorry for turkeys during the holidays have never been confronted by an angry wild turkey. They're assholes.
Retweeted by An English HumanMe: I'm not THAT BAD of a cook Wife: I've watched you burn cereal Me: that was ONCE Wife: *pointing* twice Me: what oh shit ow fuck
Retweeted by An English HumanThe problem with children is that they are never as hung over as you are.
Retweeted by An English HumanThese kids are going to wake up one day and realize I changed the locks.
Retweeted by An English HumanHow YOU doin’? I mean financially. Matt LeBlanc here for AARP
Retweeted by An English Human[first date] her: rank yourself on a scale of 1-10 me: i'm probably a Nate
Retweeted by An English HumanGeorge R. R. Martin’s favorite song is “Unwritten” by Natasha Bedingfield
Retweeted by An English HumanLet’s pretend Thanksgiving is the reason my body is 75% stuffing and act as if it wasn’t like that before
Retweeted by An English Human @DaveDavehill68 😆 @DebaryTricia @AsgardianRose 😊😊📻Contest time!📻 Theme: Listen to the Band 🦻🎸 Give us your best 3 old/new tweets about anything triggered by these… https://t.co/fFRAiLSaqi
Retweeted by An English HumanSorry Karen I can’t pretend to care about your ramblings until after coffee.
Retweeted by An English HumanHaving kids seems like a good idea then you witness one gnawing their toenails off with their teeth
Retweeted by An English Human @LazyFunday @damnfinetweet Very observant. 👀 @tristitia975 @ClassADude 😆 @Ali5610x 😊😊 @LazyFunday @damnfinetweet Hmmm, I apologize @LazyFunday @damnfinetweet 🎶 🎶 1. https://t.co/u8AujXXw0V 2. https://t.co/u8AujXXw0V 3. https://t.co/QV244jT5ub❄️❄️❄️❄️❄️ https://t.co/oSUMjm42Iu @kidthrob @a_simpl_man 😆 @ambermckallen @bartandsoul 😊😊 @EdgarPoop1 @SkippyMcGizzard 😆 @orphaned_annie @pittdave13 Mine too @rsascout 😆 @Rohan_OrNah 😆 @JodingersCat 😆 @ambermckallen @bartandsoul I know, mine burst on me 😆God: what do you have for me today? angel: I invented the gall bladder God: what does it do? angel: I don't kno… https://t.co/YghIxxNePEMe : Yes , I'd like a salad Also me : er..drizzle some of that mayo on top, thanks.
Retweeted by An English HumanTis’ the season to watch Love Actually until your eyes pour blood.
Retweeted by An English HumanWhen I was a kid you didn’t have private phone calls you had an eight foot leash in the middle of the kitchen while… https://t.co/NylgVXf2SH
Retweeted by An English HumanMe: [jumps out of plane] Instructor: hey you forgot your parachute Me: 🤸… https://t.co/LDXRLFU34X
Retweeted by An English HumanThis coffee tastes like I’m not gonna be slapping a ho
Retweeted by An English HumanMy retweets aren't endorsements, heck, I can't even read
Retweeted by An English HumanIt was a hard lesson to learn, but Nana really meant it when she said not to take any wooden nickels
Retweeted by An English HumanI just dropped my dog off at his Grandmas. Now I'm walking back with a bag of dog shit, and no fucking dog, like some kind of psychopath.
Retweeted by An English HumanHim: Your test came back, and it’s negative. Me: Whew! Thank goodness. Him: No, your math test. You’re failing this class.
Retweeted by An English HumanParachute pants weren't cute in the 80's and they ain't it now, Sis.
Retweeted by An English HumanMy priest just tripped on his robe and turned it into a somersault. He's agile af for a 70 year old
Retweeted by An English HumanYou think you’re a chill mom until your kids cluster all the good ornaments on the same side of the tree.
Retweeted by An English Human @notmythirdrodeo ❤️Ya Bravo https://t.co/lHzla1OCkuSuper cool to reach 5,000 of you telling jokes. Tweet Call! I’ll take your tweets about the weekend, your dysfunc… https://t.co/MauKYox9oZ
Retweeted by An English HumanDo you play Terror Squad’s Lean Back when you bathe your child, or nah?
Retweeted by An English HumanI’m gonna stop you right there. I don’t want to have this conversation anymore. *walks away*
Retweeted by An English HumanCan’t have a bad sleeping pattern if you never fall asleep
Retweeted by An English Human @BKLYNBeeyotch 😑 @BKLYNBeeyotch In a broken jagged mug @BKLYNBeeyotch Straight @Theropologist PerfectThis day in history. 1932. In Belgium the first of 33 appearances by a woman who announced to 5 children "I am the… https://t.co/f7QmFqERnj
Retweeted by An English Humanmood: dance with me and forget about reality for awhile
Retweeted by An English Human @WushuDonut LolYou need to accept that everything can change fast, except for your height 🌚
Retweeted by An English Human @CAshmanActor 😊😊 https://t.co/mq0gHzI7U0‘every day do something that scares you’ bro i do it’s called going to work
Retweeted by An English Human @moistvessel @geekysteven No it's not that Bizarre @ItzAWrapYo 😆
11/29
2020

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