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eric @ericsshadow pa/nj/de

I do the best tweets

756 Following   36,715 Followers   23,459 Tweets

Joined Twitter 12/8/12

1,265 days since I’ve been proud of a president. @RachelNoise If you think Bezos is rich, imagine how rich the person who invents this pill would be. @AlexvanBeek $0 ☑️ @jajensen327 ForeverWhat’s the max you’d pay for a diet pill you take before bed and wake up 10 pounds lighter?232: number of days since the first confirmed case of COVID-19 in Wuhan China 2,938,750: confirmed COVID-19 cases… how a pool of gravy looks all sexy for no reason, but I have easily gained 17 pounds just thinking about writing this sentence.
Retweeted by ericDrinking coffee, listening to the soothing sound. This is suburban life.If anyone wants to see me at my absolute worst, meet me at Costco in 20 minutes.
Retweeted by ericSometimes I sit on the front step and listen to the sprinkler for a while.
@yeleajay VERY mean @gizzydebbie I accept thisyou (specifically) are mean
@The_GetawayGirl We need to fuck off harder. It’s not working yet. @tweets_so_fresh we DOThis futuristic device would have exponentially improved my quarantine experience.We don’t have flying cars or a civilization on Mars but we do have @SwimmingTablets I wish they’d hurry how wonderful the world would be if we all decided to fuck off at the same moment. @Piecezilla only underpaid kitchen staff who know their was around a deep fryer @Piecezilla I’m bored with it. If it can’t be cooked on an outside grill, I’ll have someone cook it for me.Want your BBQ ruined? Keep reading: Imagine a hot dog with bones in it
Retweeted by ericWhen this thing is over I’m throwing away my kitchen.
There’s only one person on this planet who believes this president’s face should be on that mountain and it’s the p…
@__MyLighthouse’s ready for the long weeknd?
Retweeted by ericIt quickly went from worrying about washing your hands and social distancing to it being so hot your skin melts off in direct sunlight.
@khop0413 no lol
@redlapz stay home and water the lawn @Mardigroan Bermuda. Bahama. Come on Benihana.Go to happy hour or be responsible? It’s not that difficult. @TomHerringbone @NewSpineNeeded 💯If you disagree with any aspect of a fellow twitter user’s opinion, especially a user you do not follow, it’s your…'s tricks then - pull rabbits out of hats - cut people in half - guess your card magician's tricks now - b…
Retweeted by ericWondering if I should go bar hopping before the covid cases spike in my area and everything gets shut down again or…
We should all put a single mask in an envelope and ship it to the White House until he gets the message.Millennials in 2060 will be like here meet my great-grandbro
Retweeted by erici’m really getting my money’s worth on rent this year
Retweeted by ericUsing the parental controls to block my dad from watching Fox News.
Retweeted by ericme: it doesn’t have a tail so i’m pretty sure it’s a hamster tech support: okay fine right-click the hamster
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@JoParkerBear tell your people to wear a damn mask @YourDailyGroan high, very high @paigelokkesmoe You sounded very professional @TheWoodenslurpy zoom zoom
Retweeted by ericit’s ok you don’t have to put every problem in your bio. let us discover things at our own pace.
Retweeted by eric @JohnBechard Season 3 is also good. Actually it’s batshit crazy. Like bananas.guess who’s a huge favorite to win the covid championship!
When this thing is finally over, we should all get out there and stare at our phones in dense crowds.Southerners in most states have been disregarding social distancing and face covering measures. Because of rising C… @ToxicProbably I got my medical degree on YouTubeI should have married a plumber. @ToxicProbably You didn’t have to break your foot to impress people. Everyone knows you know how to party.The first questing during every law enforcement job interview should be “have you always wanted to be a cop?” and i… 🤔 company has a policy that if we travel to a country with a high level of COVID-19 infection, we’re required to s… we tore down every statue and replaced them by popular vote, every single statue in philly would be of Rocky. @Piecezilla COVID!!! @Jake_Vig Gulden’s spicy brown or don’t even invite me to your bbqWhat’s your favorite part of eating out at a fancy restaurant? Mine is asking for a few extra packets of chick-fil-a sauce to take home.
@jajensen327 neverI’m a 4,000 year old pretending to be 3, you’re passionate about what you believe but not opinionated. you’re beautiful inside and out but not vain. you… @SeanMastersons Bugs is ahead of his time. @TMcguts That is their redeeming quality.If the entire state of Florida broke off and floated away, would that hurt or help the overall economy?Hey dad, how much Flex Seal should I use to fix the roof? Is one can enough or should I also use superglue? @Madarencal 😂😂😂😂😂 @BlueMoonNites I’ll try it @doncamp7 This may work @LynniePD Running hills in September. SEPTEMBER. @LynniePD Same
Told my dad three times that I’m a capable, intelligent adult and I don’t need his help repairing my leaky roof and…
[burglar gently waking me] you live like this?
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@redlapz @HisNameMaurice You should have hired him for marketing.
@redlapz @cnnbrk Maybe open in a few states, before they go out of business forever.
Appears that crimes committed on film are the only crimes authorities recognize. Now we all need to wear body camer…
@OwensDamien @momsfourthchild Thank you @redlapz This is NOT the first time he’s mistreated women and children.If you know who this man is, please turn him in to the police or send me his address. He needs to be taught a lesso… @safetynotsecond I drink from a 5 gallon bucketThe quarantine has given me time to think about the women I’ve loved over the last few years. Little Debbie. Marie…
Retweeted by eric @ckopyar Good work keep it upYour employer knows the percentage of people who’ve had a drink while working from home is 100.I’m old enough to remember when thousands of Karens hit the streets because they wanted haircuts and none of them were gassed or shot.
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Denying that racism exists is the first rule of White Club.
Retweeted by eric @Reedie_Reed 0666 @Reedie_Reed give me the last four of your socialThe president went to the White House bunker for a routine inspection and my wife is staying at the local Hampton I… @spottedhole they’re all emotional support pizzas 🍕#ANARCHISTS2020If anarchists take the White House will their policies will be ...
@Chip2chip2 No thanks 😊 @CampHarris714 We need to start a group. @IMMyOwnWingman dang itI’d trade my 4 bedroom in Pennsylvania for a doublewide in let’s flatten the racism curve
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