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Cocktails, misadventures and bad jokes. he/him

818 Following   1,067 Followers   62,356 Tweets

Joined Twitter 5/24/13


Also I just realized we’re farther away from Deep Space Homer than Deep Space Homer was from the actual moon landing.
Retweeted by Michael “Old Deut” Darling @prettyrickyLA Scrub Daddy [shudder] is rougher than Scrub Mommy [shudder].Eww and double eww. https://t.co/HoePXudnO1 @KevKoeser This is the text version of the LinkedIn/Twitter/Instagram/Tinder meme.Funny how #hotgirlsforbernie is trending long after we already decided who the ultimate hot girl for Bernie was https://t.co/4QKsnrDbB9
Retweeted by Michael “Old Deut” Darling
1/25
2020
https://t.co/Xp8OVTWxEL Oh no Bernie get down from there
Retweeted by Michael “Old Deut” Darlingthinking about how when the michael jackson trial was happening cameras weren't allowed in the courtroom so e! just… https://t.co/d4i7LGWH6k
Retweeted by Michael “Old Deut” Darling @GrahamB47 Died in Generations.liberals have terminal Trying To Make Great Quotes brain https://t.co/QAWGk3HBds
Retweeted by Michael “Old Deut” Darlingbest picture nominees as Nathan For You https://t.co/t8tJ7r4KX1
Retweeted by Michael “Old Deut” DarlingI saw someone on Reddit saying Q should show up in s2 of Picard with de-aging CGI so he looks like 80s deLancie, th… https://t.co/JRZWtotOqf
Retweeted by Michael “Old Deut” DarlingFrom Star Trek shitposting https://t.co/cBIyH5jSYv
Retweeted by Michael “Old Deut” DarlingMAKE THE MUMMY VAPE THAT TOMB JUICE AND EAT THAT TOMB CHEESE OR BREAD I FORGET WHICH https://t.co/7bgwZOZVcN
Retweeted by Michael “Old Deut” Darling @RobMcGlamery @KevKoeser We’d love it in that prequel way, I think. Clunky and dumb, but got that ol’ Star Wars charm. @KevKoeser I like the idea of Hux becoming obsessed with the Force in an attempt to usurp Ren. Anyway, here are the… https://t.co/k9AZxIIST5 @KevKoeser You see the alleged concept art that leaked? @KevKoeser Seems the people who have best understood Star Wars in the last few years are Rian, Favs, and [coughs] C… https://t.co/8SqXilccaZThe Age of DUNE grows ever stronger. https://t.co/lCEMp4ek4t
Retweeted by Michael “Old Deut” Darling
1/24
2020
@GrahamB47 As a born and raised Angeleno, I have to say fuck off.My family history is fairly dull, but my great-grandfather has a mountain named after him in Antarctica. https://t.co/mTwqu3OboM @OpheliaInWaders @ArsenioB_Ham I assume the fucked up rule about “You can’t give blood if you’re a man who has sex with men.”"Marisa Tomei" is an anagram for "It's-a-me, Mario"
Retweeted by Michael “Old Deut” Darling“It’s a 110 million years old... the fuckin dinosaurs were staring it.” https://t.co/kDB1M8mCLA
Retweeted by Michael “Old Deut” Darling @jondauthor @DangOlWill We don’t take kind to cityfolk round here.dunno if anyone’s pointed this out before but seems extremely fucked up of fred flintstone to bring his pet dinosau… https://t.co/xljCHaSGEu
Retweeted by Michael “Old Deut” DarlingKobe gonna stand under the rim and bark “i want ya to do it i want ya to do it HIT ME” like the Joker told Batman https://t.co/KI9uVslFgb
Retweeted by Michael “Old Deut” DarlingBernie: I’m scared of getting this heart transplant. Tom Steyer: It’s ok, I’ll be here after your surgery. *Ber… https://t.co/Cc6QdWUvk3
Retweeted by Michael “Old Deut” DarlingI’ll eventually get used to it but for now this has big Earth-2 energy. https://t.co/Cq4EbsaTnY
Retweeted by Michael “Old Deut” Darling
1/23
2020
[John Wick strolls into the Sistine Chapel, interrupting Mass] POPE FRANCIS: *turns, pulling a Sig Sauer from unde… https://t.co/yQ4vX0j4Uh
Retweeted by Michael “Old Deut” Darlingjesus fucking christ https://t.co/9maSPmv6eT
Retweeted by Michael “Old Deut” Darling @CarolineSiede Wow, three comedies/dramadies.https://t.co/1LMzbB0rtQ
Retweeted by Michael “Old Deut” DarlingIt’s of John Delaney not Bernie and it is the greatest political photo ever https://t.co/93j8yl7tmr https://t.co/uAVO9Ow2jc
Retweeted by Michael “Old Deut” Darling @jsdtweets @coopercooperco Remember the literal class discussion that happened on the review of 25th Hour?subtle way to ask if someone is a war criminal https://t.co/tFDVtm4mcF
Retweeted by Michael “Old Deut” DarlingBiden: And look hey I never said social security benefits should go the way of the wango tango. if you’re one of th… https://t.co/JVtthmNqW6
Retweeted by Michael “Old Deut” Darling#MrPeanutDidntKillHimself https://t.co/ripiejWfDF
Retweeted by Michael “Old Deut” Darlingeast coasters are def gonna complain about waking up to earthquake tweets but now you know how the rest of us feel… https://t.co/EXzYwgQa8P
Retweeted by Michael “Old Deut” Darling @JeremyMonjo @KevKoeser Andy! [Crowd beats me to death]A 3.6 magnitude earthquake occurred 2.49mi NNE of Granada Hills, CA. Details: https://t.co/fwJIHrhSXQ Map: https://t.co/0hhvPHS3gF
Retweeted by Michael “Old Deut” Darling @longdrivesouth Felt it on the westside.Yesterday my colleague called me a 'laptop murderer' because I cut my computer in half to make it more portable. Do… https://t.co/XhelJDefBW
Retweeted by Michael “Old Deut” DarlingActually Tony Hawk was the scientist, Pro Skater 5 is the monster
Retweeted by Michael “Old Deut” Darling[pronounces “pineapples” like “minneapolis”]
Retweeted by Michael “Old Deut” Darling @48ONIRAM I still think Bernie introducing Run the Jewels at Coachella via satellite still takes the cake.Barry Bonds And Roger Clemens Not Elected To The Hall Of Fame is a headline Deadspin used like five years in a row… https://t.co/VxodnKBrGC
Retweeted by Michael “Old Deut” Darling
1/22
2020
holy fuck lmao formerly-Mayor Pete got please clapped in literally the same room as Jeb did https://t.co/KdFbAi0vLz
Retweeted by Michael “Old Deut” DarlingA Steyer-Sanders ticket is the single silliest outcome of this primary and frankly, it’s the one we deserve. @FutureHasbeen Steyer makes a Tinder account: “Hey everyone, I’m just here to network.”
Retweeted by Michael “Old Deut” DarlingSteyer’s the weirdo who goes on Survivor and says “I am here to make friends.” https://t.co/7cCx0dDMCs @coopercooperco Especially when you put it in quotation marks.As someone who lives in a small, somewhat rural area, I guarantee this is what happened 5 seconds after the credits… https://t.co/Aa0yYIgF9f
Retweeted by Michael “Old Deut” Darlinghell yeah coronavirus. find your beach https://t.co/MsNKRsfkmw
Retweeted by Michael “Old Deut” DarlingMore @BernieSanders just now outside his office — Asked why @HillaryClinton is still talking about 2016: “That is a good question. Ask her.”
Retweeted by Michael “Old Deut” DarlingI can’t believe I just found this gem at Goodwill holy shit https://t.co/xszl09I6Kd
Retweeted by Michael “Old Deut” Darling @GrahamB47 Some poor admiral in San Francisco who has to listen to these things: “Honestly amazing it took him this… https://t.co/oM0N57X69F @mizabitha Excuse me, my son is also named Worf.Dril is as close to a real-life superhero as we can get - Secret Identity, was revealed once but kept secret by mas… https://t.co/OJORuk09Rf
Retweeted by Michael “Old Deut” DarlingWhen “Unregistered HyperCam 2” is in the corner of the video. https://t.co/mc6yeopWRfVader: did you ever wonder what happened to your father Luke: nah Vader: Luke: why care about a deadbeat lol… https://t.co/o6eVbSeyB2
Retweeted by Michael “Old Deut” DarlingDirector: one of you actors tampered with my DNA last night! Tom Cruise: not me, I went cruising Elizabeth Banks: I… https://t.co/DYbNrmpCce
Retweeted by Michael “Old Deut” DarlingWorkin 9 to 9 For a man whose eye is creepy That’s why I decide To assault him when he’s sleepy But his heart stil… https://t.co/NxNDgHAQor
Retweeted by Michael “Old Deut” Darling @yeeyee187 @GrahamB47 You’re right, but the egg tango bit was an all timer.I literally think about this kind of thing every time I'm on a plane and looking through the selection. Embarrassin… https://t.co/BwoxAZJGGY
Retweeted by Michael “Old Deut” Darling
1/21
2020
@stefapie @clutchbucket I cannot wait for the Switch port."POSSIBLE CULT ACTIVITY AT NIXON LIBRARY" 👀 https://t.co/a3IjX0LZvJ
Retweeted by Michael “Old Deut” Darlingwith a warm and welcoming "boom!", the saints krassenstein allow jaboukie safe passage into twitter heaven
Retweeted by Michael “Old Deut” Darling @barefootjim “See, it’s a pun because we’re all pals.” [No replies] @jeffparker Is it just me or is Doolittle’s release last Friday an assault on the traditional values of Mortdecai Week?How are YOU celebrating Mortdecai Week? https://t.co/yVL0EXPWYe
Retweeted by Michael “Old Deut” DarlingSteyer’s got a group text where he asks all the other candidates about hanging out. Bernie declines, Warren says “B… https://t.co/koeSermPmh @asunflowerpose @KevKoeser I heard those voices in my head reading this tweet.I don’t think Steyer wants to be president; I don’t think he wants power. He just has a weird desire to hang out wi… https://t.co/o73JYUCOjW @KevKoeser I mean, you accidentally typed SGA, but still, how...NYT deciding on an endorsement: https://t.co/bY9OaIt4tG“I would vote for both Warren and Klobuchar if I could.” https://t.co/x3ZCxmzm13
Retweeted by Michael “Old Deut” DarlingShe looks like a woman ready to take votes from Biden. Go Amy! https://t.co/lqmbnsRwMU
Retweeted by Michael “Old Deut” Darling @ErnieLies @KevKoeser Should have gone with a man in a dog costume. @ZeppoMarxist Probably. @FoFacy Was he talking about himself? @ZeppoMarxist Didn’t even last a day between suspensions. Legend.An incredibly dumb thing about Twitter is that the blue check mark verifying your identity comes after the thing you can edit.Literally a day after his last suspension. @jaboukie is the only person using Twitter correctly https://t.co/8AB5n5XkfP
Retweeted by Michael “Old Deut” Darling @VK_HM I’m laughing hard at the small print “Gial.”well, now I know who to cast my two votes for
Retweeted by Michael “Old Deut” Darling“from the same editorial board that recently endorsed eugenics”
Retweeted by Michael “Old Deut” DarlingLEAKED: Tomorrow morning's front page of the New York Times. #NYTendorsement https://t.co/O3kc8PlgQ4
Retweeted by Michael “Old Deut” Darling @GrahamB47 @KevKoeser @digifreak642 Can’t wait for your video on that image. @GrahamB47 @KevKoeser @digifreak642 I can’t find words for how much I hate this. @KevKoeser @digifreak642 Yang’s totally Joker right? Thinks it’s revolutionary; is actually trash.Wait, the NYT endorsement actually victim-blames Klobuchar staff for being abused. Am I reading this right? "Repo… https://t.co/j6W1lhC2KH
Retweeted by Michael “Old Deut” DarlingTinder said welcome back b*tch https://t.co/cenVHYe40p
Retweeted by Michael “Old Deut” DarlingLOOK AT GOD https://t.co/8SAOKwQvwB
Retweeted by Michael “Old Deut” DarlingWho’s the NYT endorsing? You guessed it, Frank Stallone.https://t.co/s4uTzJAqqF
Retweeted by Michael “Old Deut” DarlingMaking my friends watch a 5 minute YouTube video and telling them to keep watching because the funny part is coming… https://t.co/hkCzXTw9cJ
Retweeted by Michael “Old Deut” Darlinghttps://t.co/fOTSVo5oxX
Retweeted by Michael “Old Deut” Darling
1/20
2020
the chiefs are in the super bowl. picard is going to be back on tv. they’re making a lego game show. if i could go… https://t.co/1JP8Gj8vpG
Retweeted by Michael “Old Deut” DarlingDo you like Huey Lewis and The News? Their early work was a little too new wave for my tastes, but when Sports came… https://t.co/8K1qcSa6rc
Retweeted by Michael “Old Deut” Darling(me as a man in a tank top and suspenders in the attic of a French hotel in 1902, viciously typing on a typewriter) godzilla
Retweeted by Michael “Old Deut” Darling
1/19
2020

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