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I'm not aging brilliantly if i'm honest. p.s I photoshopped the pic above so all the old women are holding guns

773 Following   484,644 Followers   3,459 Tweets

Joined Twitter 3/25/09


@AlistairBarrie @TheSimonEvans @zoelyons @parkrun I do the seafront every week. Nice and flat
2/21
2020
@Chris_Stark such a good ep I think I love Mike DeanApparently it’s not normal for your front to still be wobbling 15 minutes after you’ve stop moving. So good luck so… https://t.co/gcC6QY5i3T
2/20
2020
How?? we were on our way to bingo and the car braked suddenly and all of ours came out... ok? https://t.co/roYSG6ZC0PI think I’ve got the wrong dentures in. These taste like oxo cubesanyone sometimes chuck a jellyfish at a stranger just so you can pee on them?
2/19
2020
Any idea how to make your wee come out slower? I’ve gone part time so I’m no longer in a rush.
2/18
2020
If you have a hobby and people don't think you are a prick, you're not doing it right.
2/16
2020
I think everyone in a built up area should walk as fast as jason Bourne @MissJoHartley Still a bloody van load to come
2/15
2020
@MissJoHartley It nearly broke my bloody back this morning
2/14
2020
@youmeandnufc ha haAnyone know where this picture was taken? https://t.co/wSbHT7rpiy
2/12
2020
@ShaunWatchorn If you’ve got it flaunt it mate (and you’ve got it with bells on)Is this man looking over his midriff or someone else’s ? https://t.co/JvcIoVx5kdWhat’s it like be sexy? I bet it’s brilliant.Imagine finding out you’ve got a twin and they’ve been working out their whole life so you know what you could have looked like
2/9
2020
Middle life crisis ideas please.... GO
2/6
2020
Farting on a packed train is all about holding your nerve and not flinching one bit.
2/4
2020
@kiltedscot68 Thought you might
2/2
2020
My First ever modelling job. Luckily I have ladies hands that face the wrong way and I can hold my breath for ages https://t.co/IPrPr6gfEv
2/1
2020
Is it true that ‘snitches get stitches’? Because I think I’ve found Shergar. @CP_Whitf I only still have nearly 50quid because I didn’t spend it at Christmas
1/31
2020
Just found bubble machines don't work in the rain. Great! What the F am i meant to do now?I've got £46.73 on my Co op card. Can anyone beat that?
1/30
2020
@MatGost Ta @FusionAS_Youth Thank you @hamzadarby Thank youDon’t like it!!!! Explain it to me please !!!!!Genuine question. What is this four pictures thing? One of Facebook tinder LinkedIn and Instagram. I don’t understand it?
1/29
2020
So. WE'VE HIT 2 MILLION DOWNLOADS! Crazy times. Thanks for listening! 👵👵👵 https://t.co/qUHSBHzpxj
Retweeted by Joe WilkinsonSpent the weekend indulging in my hobby of going to a lovely town and then telling the locals that I could never li… https://t.co/sglfOd5km7Is it true that you don’t have to pick up dog muck in the countryside? If so I’m not moving there!
1/26
2020
I’m never jogging behind a Council van in Winter again, he said through gritted teeth.
Retweeted by Joe Wilkinson @GaryLineker i bet / hope you can make your tit muscles go up and down
1/24
2020
@pughycosta @gossipmongers1 in a few weeks i think ! cheers
1/23
2020
I think the phrase should be ‘dance like loads of people with a short fuse are watching’
1/21
2020
Sucking on a bath bomb. Loads is coming out my nose...
1/19
2020
I just peeled a tangerine and was left with nearly no white bits on it. That's going in the autobiography. @Chris_Stark Im so chuffed the podcast is back. I absolutely love it.
1/17
2020
If jeggings and barb wire tattoos ever go out of fashion I’m screwed.This is incredible 😂👏 https://t.co/fZC50v8IDs
Retweeted by Joe WilkinsonThis is possibly the best twitter thread I have read https://t.co/utzL0g2pNw
1/16
2020
Shop assistant as I was trying on come slacks “I think you’ve accidentally shat yourself” Me “how dare you, that… https://t.co/6yCjfCXJvB
1/11
2020
I’m hoping to yo-yo diet enough to end up with enough excess skin to sail myself to Le Havre @nicola_silk thanks Nicola x
1/10
2020
@LiamHammondWHU @MaestroOnYT Nice to meet you, Liam. Good luck in the cup but I think you boys need a new striker!
1/6
2020
@BigTomD Haha hope he’s not coming @BigTomD Big day indeed! I hope your new manager bounce as worn off
1/5
2020
@KittyLaing @goldchannel @lucylumsden @yellowdoorprods Thanks kitty that’s very kind of you
1/4
2020
@BobbyBraveRL you bet your arse i didFun fact for you: Aliens only abduct oddballs because they know no one will believe them. How do I know? An alien told me.
1/3
2020
Apparently this is the only time of the year that it doesn’t look weird when I drag a dead Christmas tree behind me.
1/2
2020
@eleanortiernan Cry number 2 ! @eleanortiernan Well that’s my first cry of 2020. Thanks for the kind words.Sorry for all the hearts I broke in 2019. Sorry, not ‘hearts’ I mean ‘deckchairs’ (I’ve put on over 4 stones)
1/1
2019
this really made me laugh https://t.co/jHhfpCKmqz @rickedwards1 ok im on it @rickedwards1 Fancy doing Beauty and The Beast at the hammersmith Apollo in the New Year? @rickedwards1 one day my friend, one day! @rickedwards1 I was asked to audition to be a T4 presenter. I walked in, they took one look at me and turned the camera off. Happy days.
12/29
2019
For anyone who has taken their partner to stay with their parents for the first time these are a must watch! https://t.co/uWqwqgpLgD
Retweeted by Joe Wilkinson @andys3865 HahaThe Cockfields is on again tonight at 9pm. Have a watch merry Christmas https://t.co/8X2s6SPC65
12/26
2019
Nice mention of #thecockfields in this TV gems list @gillinghamjoe @missdianemorgan @TheBobbyBall @lucylumsdenhttps://t.co/r1WqOuUj5w
Retweeted by Joe Wilkinson
12/24
2019
‘Fxxking fxxk sakeThe family is over for Christmas and someone’s already wiped their arse on my wind sock. There’s extra loo rolls in… https://t.co/1m3u5UZlf2
12/22
2019
@Jameswilmott @gossipmongers Please do @Jameswilmott @gossipmongers gossipmongers@yahoo.comf-ing @gossipmongers christmas special !!!!!! share it with your loved ones https://t.co/whUS6oCjf3
12/21
2019
Roy Keane sitting like your Mum watching Corrie https://t.co/Cy6JNjJl1n
Retweeted by Joe Wilkinson
12/19
2019
This is the brains behind bird boy @basilbottler a very funny man
12/18
2019
This is the genius that is welly baby !!!! @thedrunkchimpThanks to all the people that watched me shout at a locked toilet door in Victoria station. It really made me think I’m not losing my mind @ktpland @Aisling_Project @UnionChapelUK @Tridentholidays Very kind have a lovely holiday x
12/17
2019
@Scroobiuspipyo @UKTVPlay @missdianemorgan Thank you
12/16
2019
TOP TEN OF 2019!!! https://t.co/Fd5Z2kSxZQ
Retweeted by Joe Wilkinson
12/15
2019
Christmas tree is up https://t.co/dtzzfJrFnQ
12/14
2019
come on uxbridge
Retweeted by Joe WilkinsonIs there a chance we have been ‘prankt’ by Rio Ferdinand @josierones well that weirded me out. Why does it look so real ?
12/12
2019
@matthewcrosby @phlaimeaux sod off ha ha @matthewcrosby @phlaimeaux its how i'm dressing tonight @phlaimeaux my eyes really pop in photos don't they?It’s all going to be ok. #TheCockfields is going to be repeated on Boxing Day at 9pm on @goldchannel @UKTVhttps://t.co/0wvFS7puW5
Retweeted by Joe Wilkinson
12/11
2019
@gossipmongers1 Holy shit.
12/10
2019
Puffin v Spaceworm could, I feel, be the sporting contest of the year. I do hope this is all done in time for SPOTY. https://t.co/YSxzfGEU8P
Retweeted by Joe Wilkinson @mrchrisaddison ha ha
12/9
2019
Can you still enjoy a meal if you need a piss ? @AdamRowden2 you my friend are a genius
12/7
2019
@Davidthurgood @gossipmongers1 oh yeh forgot they were both in kent. Im really proud
12/4
2019
I’ve had fancy new fire extinguishers fitted in the bedroom https://t.co/DMbboG276U
12/3
2019
@tomallencomedy @stonewalluk @markmcadamtv @SkySports This has fried my brain
12/2
2019
@RickyGroverUK She just boils my piss sometimes that’s all. @RickyGroverUK oh god not this again. She did the same to Gavin cos he stuck up for me about the diet fanta debacle… https://t.co/ijiyyKe8mN @RickyGroverUK @AVERAGEJOE33 People get to their target weight at their own pace. Angela needs to get that through… https://t.co/5cgocD6MeX @RickyGroverUK I hope you reported them to Angela. These groups need to be a safe space.
11/28
2019
Did anyone sense a negative energy at slimming world tonight? We are all hungry, so there’s no need to throw the magazines at each otherIs your day lacking some filth then check the new gossipmonger podcast. If you have loads of filth in your day alre… https://t.co/DDTvVZ9melI’m still very much a bitcoin guy
11/26
2019

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