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God @god heaven

I will judge you.

11 Following   528,219 Followers   1,297 Tweets

Joined Twitter 1/17/07


@future_swapilot Can’t sleep.You know who doesn’t believe in global warming? Satan!
9/18
2020
More people believe in me than in climate change. That is sad.
9/15
2020
I can’t wait to have 2020 in my hindsight.
9/10
2020
Book clubs are basically support groups for Karens.
9/6
2020
Not Jesus. https://t.co/uoGhQhASoW
9/5
2020
https://t.co/7afFK0lbgS
9/1
2020
I got nothing today.
8/31
2020
I wish Jesus wasn’t responsible for Birkenstocks. Satan is to blame for people wearing them with socks.
8/30
2020
Take a day off from the news. It’s less depressing.
8/28
2020
Please stop using me to justify your denial of scientific facts. K? Thanks.
8/23
2020
You sure about that @neiltyson? https://t.co/Cnas93lBxLMeh. You?
8/20
2020
So much for democracy in the United States. #dictatorship
8/14
2020
Satan is why faxes still exist.
8/11
2020
Don’t let yourself get too depressed. It sucks for everyone right now.
8/5
2020
It’s like watching a slow motion battle of science vs. stupid with you people.I’m speechless.
8/4
2020
This just in! Donald Trump has no idea how to handle this pandemic.
7/29
2020
Once again... Sometimes the light at the end of the tunnel is an oncoming train.
7/24
2020
Don’t come crying to me. Blame your buddy Satan.
7/17
2020
If you talk to God (me!), you are praying. If you hear me responding, you are schizophrenic.
7/8
2020
Happy Birthday America! Now start acting your age.
7/4
2020
People that brag about how competitive they are usually suck... really bad.
7/2
2020
How are all you anti-vaxxers doing? Still planning on skipping the COVID vaccine when it comes out?
7/1
2020
It’s “you’re” NOT “your”. Idiots!
6/26
2020
Thinking of creating some new kinds of animals to eat. Stay tuned.
6/25
2020
Thanks for the gift card Jesus.
6/21
2020
I spent the first seven days creating. It’s been nothing but death and destruction ever since.Soooooo, how was your day?
6/17
2020
I hate Father’s Day.
6/13
2020
It only took a few hundred years for the U.S. to realize that it has a racism problem.As bad as you may feel, remember I feel worse for making all of you.
6/11
2020
The snooze button is the ultimate tease.
6/9
2020
Who’s game for a less crappy week??
6/8
2020
The problem with keto is bourbon. How can you make a diet where you can’t eat anything good AND can’t drink bourbon?
6/5
2020
Sadly, black officers are also disciplined more than white officers. The racial gaps are on both sides of the law: https://t.co/66i2O5O9HUIt was murder. A modern lynching. Screw the uniforms, all three cops are guilty.
6/1
2020
You always have a choice.
5/31
2020
Go ahead, just do it. I won’t judge.
5/27
2020
Goddammit they canceled the BBQ!
5/24
2020
The COVID recovery rate up here is zero.
5/23
2020
Stop being so boring.
5/22
2020
Life was simpler in the Pre Malone days.
5/18
2020
Covid doesn’t care about your stupid politics.
5/16
2020
This is much funnier than it should be: https://t.co/p600mN0RegEmotional distancing helps make social distancing more bearable.
5/14
2020
I have no mom. 😢
5/10
2020
I ran out of Lucky Charms. Could this possibly get more annoying.
5/9
2020
I have no friends.
5/6
2020
Cinco de Mayo falling on “Taco Tuesday”!!! You’re welcome.I’m bored out of my mind. This sucks. I know that’s not very godlike.
5/5
2020
May the 4th be with you!
5/4
2020
You have a much better chance of surviving COVID than does your marriage.
4/30
2020
The meek shall NOT inherit the earth! I was misquoted.
4/29
2020
I’m not mad, just disappointed.
4/28
2020
On the plus side, NSFW violations have almost completely vanished.
4/27
2020
Everybody is dying to see me!
4/26
2020
Everything's fine even though it sucks.
4/22
2020
Shower dammit!
4/21
2020
Some of the people you put in charge are REALLY stupid. Good luck with that.Until there’s a vaccine, anti-vaxxers will have to settle for being social-distancing deniers. #scienceisreal
4/17
2020
Admit it, you don’t miss most of the people you have “socially distanced”.
4/14
2020
Hard liquor is technically sanitizer that you can drink for fun.Well, that was boring.
4/13
2020
The first Easter was just a game of hide-and-seek that Jesus won.I hear ‘Taco Tuesdays’ might be canceled until further notice.
4/11
2020
So Bernie’s out. Does anyone else think he looks like my disheveled younger brother?
4/9
2020
I’ve been social distancing since forever.
4/6
2020
Every day is "Casual Friday"! @singareddynm This is not "MY" work, but agreed this is nonetheless sad. I should also point out that the group is… https://t.co/jJksmsFhWXIf you see me drinking alone in the park, please act like you don’t see me.
4/3
2020
Bad hygiene is a sin.Get out of your pajamas, shower, and go for a walk.
3/31
2020
Imagine the restraint it must take for close-talkers during this crisis.You all as bored as I am?
3/29
2020
🇨🇳 🦇🦠 🇮🇹 🇺🇸 🧻😷🤧🤒😰☠️
3/26
2020
If you are being slow-motion fired due to the virus, I forgive you for taking office supplies and other necessities… https://t.co/PsSo0KwKW8On the bright side, your pets are happy to spend more time with you.
3/25
2020
This virus sucks.
3/24
2020
Science, not prayer, will solve this one.
3/23
2020
How did the other 18 COVIDs go unnoticed?
3/19
2020
It took the absence of green beer to make you realize how serious COVID-19 is. 🤦🏽‍♂️
3/18
2020
A COVID-19 update. STOP sending veiled marketing emails as COVID-19 updates!
3/17
2020
Wash your hands or go to HELL!
3/13
2020
If the @BTS_twt tour is canceled, all hell will break loose. #BTSARMY
3/12
2020
Careful. Most of you are destined to do something stupid today.
3/11
2020
FWIW Viruses are part of Satan’s arsenal. I deal in floods and other natural disasters.
3/9
2020
Just ‘cause you made it to heaven, it doesn’t mean that you are free to be an ass.
3/7
2020
Stop licking your fingers!
3/5
2020
Why are people so stupid?? Can’t be all my fault!!At least wash your hands all you antivaxxers!
3/3
2020
Silly Americans! Propaganda’s intent is not to change what you think, it’s intent is to control what you can say.
2/29
2020
Prayer will NOT protect you from coronavirus! Wash your hands, don’t cough on people, avoid stupid people.
2/27
2020
Hope your commitments to Ash Wednesday don’t fail as badly as your New Year’s resolutions.
2/26
2020
People suck lately.
2/23
2020
I am feared more than I am loved and that is OK. I’m God.
2/17
2020
I will not judge any of your sins today as long as you don’t hurt anybody against their will.Happy Valentine’s Day Satan. We miss u. #Brings8nBackI think if I had halted progress right when flip-phones got cameras, the world would be a better place.
2/14
2020

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