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goof @goofballbirkla United States

another neurotic comic

578 Following   1,333 Followers   3,154 Tweets

Joined Twitter 7/14/16

Do you ever just meet someone and know they invested too much money in HD DVDs?curtain is short for kurt cobain
Retweeted by goofSpare keys, AA batteries, all remotes. wasn’t allowed to say butthole as a kid and now my one night stands peg me. Don’t helicopter parent.
Retweeted by goof @candyflippin Crunchyroll and pass a bowl?
Retweeted by goof @candyflippin Crunchyroll and pass a bowl?Netflix and chill? Hulu and hang? Amazon Prime and sexy time? YouTube and lube? Disney plus and coitus?
Retweeted by goof @jennapurrlee NOW that’s what I call music! @ZipperMouth_ This is the content I live for.You're telling me this thing fries air?!
Retweeted by goof @EricMBrown7 It’s never been a better time to be a Tuesgay.I wouldn’t have it any other way. Rest In Peace my dude. So dearly missed. recs 🔥🔥🔥🔥 get it, Spotify, I went through a breakup. Siri, search for 𝗙𝗿𝗮𝗻𝗸𝗲𝗻𝘀𝘁𝗲𝗶𝗻 𝗲𝗿𝗼𝘁𝗶𝗰𝗮
Retweeted by goof @socks4bees @charbroil_chew I picked the first gif that made sense and I wasn’t sure if the gif I used had a separa… @charbroil_chew That’s because you haven’t pegged me ☺️And forgive us our drunk texts as we forgive those who were stupid enough to reply.
Retweeted by goofmike wazowski is a vers bisexual legend
Retweeted by goofI wasn’t allowed to say butthole as a kid and now my one night stands peg me. Don’t helicopter parent. @mistakoy Those look like casino nachos 😭😭 deliciousMortal Kombat: Holiday Movie Edition Choose Your Fighter
Retweeted by goof @leafynickel 🍑 ASS 🍑 IS 🍑 VAILD 🍑
Retweeted by goofHey beautiful followers, I made a fanhouse. Not much for now, but I’ll be posting edited v… is short for o, greg
Retweeted by goof @stonepatberg don’t liquor stores sell groceries 🙄
[mercator displays map of the world] guy: oh my god does it really look like this friend: nah he's just projecting
Retweeted by goof @drunkenoprah 4 Loko hands????
Retweeted by goofProtecting the inside cheek from your own teeth is the next crucial step for human evolution
Retweeted by goofme: I just don’t get it [sips coke] I brush twice a day, [eats a gusher] and I still keep getting cavities. [uses s… can you help me spell "lunking?" Me: you know I'm claustrophobic
Retweeted by goofYou’re telling me there are one thousand islands in this dressing?
Retweeted by goofOral before sex is called a headstart
Retweeted by goofIf you don’t understand what the professor is saying, just give them your best “ohhh” face.Much like my phone battery, I survive on low power mode.
Retweeted by goof @arwenlothbrok Oh man, me too! I also sexually identify with the way it creaks, is inefficient in practice, and has bad service.I sexually identify as a rotary dial phone. Kinda cool and retro, but still useless.
Retweeted by goofwhen a composer dies im like damn you have my symphonies
Retweeted by goof @damnfinetweet @girlgeist I’m so flattered 🥺💕This is even better than that other one. Ain't it a peach? @goofballbirkla was trophied by @girlgeist. Booyah!
Retweeted by goofObviously it’s Footloose
Retweeted by goofwhen a private account quote tweets me:
Retweeted by goofWhat did the Truman Show even play on TV when he was compulsively masturbating for three years straight?New discourse just dropped
Retweeted by goofI would be down to try yoga pants but I don't think they have it in size "dummy thicc".
Retweeted by goofwhen a reply guy dies we must send our deepest simpathies
Retweeted by goofWhy would I breastfeed my baby when the mountain dew is right there
Retweeted by goofis this what spaghetti sees when grated parmesan rains down?
Retweeted by goofif we ever took the same antidepressants that's a body
Retweeted by goofMeth AND phetamines?? In this economy??
Retweeted by goofsince masturbation does not make you go blind, we can only assume that it improves your eyesight.
Retweeted by goof“I’m just looking for the Jim to my Pam.” How about you look for a personality
Retweeted by goofAre we ever gonna talk about how Snoop is just slowly morphing into Stevie Wonder?
Retweeted by goofI'm ○ single ○ cuffed ● on Twitter saying stuff nobody care about
Retweeted by goof @clebdotcom I love theseEmotional consent is important too.
Retweeted by goof
Make myself**** but whatever ☺️
Retweeted by goofSay what you will about Dahmer but the man knew how to save face.The concept of preserving animal remains is so after years of codependency, I finally feel safe admitting that only I can myself truly happy. therapist: tha… can't please everyone, you're not that pleasant.
Retweeted by goofA hot tub full of guys and one girl is just a simp cocktail
Retweeted by goofI feel attacked
Retweeted by goof @sherrysworld Not all people appreciate high art. @Jest_Iris LmfaoHappy Cyber Monday! a/s/l?
Retweeted by goofMidwestern Jerry Maguire: “You had me at y’ello!” Thank you for your time. @adamgreattweet Just a little longer my dude ☺️🔥🔥Michael Cera’s full name is Michaelangelo Ceratonin.
Retweeted by goof[ski shop] Owner: Can I help you? Me: *tries on mask* Owner: TAKE WHATEVER YOU WANT JUST PLEASE DON’T HURT ME M…
Retweeted by goof @charbroil_chew LMAO sorry Erich I’ll pay the medical bills @SandwichGhoul Max, my man! @AtRichieK Too real Richie too real 😂me every single day
Retweeted by goofworried my memory foam pillow is beginning to know too much
Retweeted by goofThere is hardly anything worse than making a TASTY ASS MEAL for one person (myself).
Retweeted by goofI’d rather open the Ark of the Covenant than my email this morning.
Retweeted by goof
Retweeted by goofstop following me i have asthma
Retweeted by goofPerson: THE HOUSE IS ON FIRE! WE HAVE TO GO!!! Me: [not finished with chips & salsa] mmhmm, one sec-
Retweeted by goof @charbroil_chew Jocose @nodata4u It’s somehow more terrifying that way @Monkeyinheaven Schitt’s Creek?Jersey Shore was renowned for its Situational humor.It’s always the people who’ve suffered the least who preach the most.
Retweeted by goof @SandwichGhoul MAX LMFAOWhen I was 19 and worked at Applebee's I didn't know blackened was a kind of seasoning so I was just burning everyt…
Retweeted by goofI genuinely think the CIA should have internship opportunities for bitchy high schoolers. They would tear down enem…
Retweeted by goofWhat’s Joe Biden’s plan for chipotle diarrhea?
Retweeted by goof @mksnark The is sound logic I cannot disagree“We’re gonna need a bigger coat” - me getting fatter every winter
Retweeted by goof
Word of the day: Boratfield
Retweeted by goofMaybe football players wouldn't get injured on the field if they maintained social distancing.
Retweeted by goof“I’m a top!” “I’m a bottom!” But they’re living in the same house?! This Thursday on FOX check out...I for one would like to know Biden’s plan for helping me beat Mike Tyson’s Punchout!