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sponsored by Ingeborg’s Fine Danish Chocolate Emporium

316 Following   34 Followers   875 Tweets

Joined Twitter 8/3/19


pleased to announce I just understood phoebe bridgers. I get it now she’s great
9/21
2020
you’re really gonna name one daughter lily and your other daughter petunia? what the fuck? zero sympathy for the po… https://t.co/8SBtqmPNNj @nickkroll did not win an Emmy for this and I personally believe that is a sin https://t.co/bgQGaNEPGrjohn denver will literally rhyme any word with tomatoes he does not give a shit
9/20
2020
feel free to dm me with complaints, critiques, or clarificationmy heart 💔 https://t.co/QPwlH32tLbfirst two seasons of wilfred all of seinfeld all of barry first ten seasons of sunny first four seasons of the le… https://t.co/FrDpC9nbaq
9/19
2020
@annabel_meschke what’s updo?i have one skill and that is drawing brackets. fuck i draw such sick fucking bracketsgonna go to a statistician's halloween party dressed as a confounding variablefuck i love ikea so much if they made sensibly designed build-it-yourself coffins I would 100% be buried in it. or,… https://t.co/SerzZbv9KZ
9/18
2020
@aliisstruggling um obviously, in fact moses himself had so much burning bush he took off his shoes and spoke to godonce I lost my fucking mind and have been running around like a headless chicken ever since https://t.co/FoYTjBvtaK
9/17
2020
almost perfected my “laughing-but-you-can’t-hear-me-cuz-I’m-on-mute” fake zoom smile just in one class
9/16
2020
someone will post a video of trump saying “wow nothing in the world more fun than being a pedophile with all my ped… https://t.co/1XUhSpLGjkgood god do I love this man https://t.co/sWKZfrlmhN
9/15
2020
@annabel_meschke wow I’m genuinely honored @annabel_meschke can I use this as an album cover
9/14
2020
@James_Reese_Jr @geeequinn yep you’re right I’m simply not intelligent enough for the writing of Aaron Sorkin lmfaofuck https://t.co/JXle0duVQqmight open an onlyfans and make some side cash to buy Bionicles Venmo me at @wafflebrosinc to support my addiction
9/13
2020
@shumeister van? what van? @CharlieGileNBC Really glad to see Mr. Clean broadening his horizonsjust so everyone knows, when I say “I have an appointment” it means “I’m gonna get drunk and type Neil Patrick Harr… https://t.co/fpHjKav7ZM
9/11
2020
idk who needs to hear this but you can unmute yourself on zoom by holding the spacebar @nicegirlmeg this is the playlist of a person goin through some shit @whitenonsense_ I’ll buy it @tokiIIthedragon @NellyHusz yeah ok bud https://t.co/yFJAFLUXmKnot sure who exactly at Disney+ decided “Spacebar” should mean “close the entire window” but let’s kill that guynever seen a picture of Eric Trump where he didn’t look like he was halfway through shapeshifting into a vulture
9/9
2020
orthodox the town from judaism footloose 🤝 danci… https://t.co/6H2JiluO39late nights thinking about her* *the direction lego as a company has taken in the last six years and their terribl… https://t.co/cgRnDdUj9Eentire house to myself tonight. thermostat finna hit 74 baby
9/7
2020
.just googled Qanon and whatever you think it is I promise you the truth is funnier https://t.co/8SKD8kwboJ
9/6
2020
@nateandmufasa not related but neat fact debil is actually Hebrew for idiot
9/5
2020
@calebsaysthings during the eclipse in 2017 I posted “now is the time to attack the fire nation” and my uncle email… https://t.co/uQQIB6sGnTyeah sorry how I met your mother is pornography. more gratuitous than a thousand dollar tipwhy am I in tears over this https://t.co/DYOu5oy0bJ
9/3
2020
@SheRatesDogs Weird cuz “will you nurse my seeds and grow them” has been a fail safe pickup line for me in the past… https://t.co/Lfcvfdw6VUany girls out there who like everything about beekeeping except the bees? if so let’s datethinking about when I was working in marketing and an “influencer” with 2k insta followers told me she influenced o… https://t.co/Zm34RRSsGp
9/2
2020
not saying I’m Ernest Hemingway but I am rum-drunk in a hammock sooooooooliberals are so fucking weird https://t.co/y7aWQvnO36
9/1
2020
@commentiquette This episode was idiotic. Hands down your best work yetall Harry Potter kids grew up to become either Florence & The Machines tweens or Of Monsters & Men tweensit’s called “the hogwarts express” why the fuck is the station so far from hogwarts these bitches taking thestral… https://t.co/QycgF5kfvb
8/31
2020
@gap2thed @tillyqueerness justin vernon for poet laureate of the universe5 likes and I’ll do a seminar on self-care which I have clearly mastered https://t.co/5pvusjoaqk @nickkroll @representus They got a property brother?! I’m there baby
8/30
2020
realistically if I had a time machine I would just tell my younger self to take better care of my Indiana Jones Lego sets @mpopetweets I was seconds away from deleting this app. to think I would have missed thisI remember when I found out that Spider-Man is Jewish and how much that meant to me. It opened my eyes to the effec… https://t.co/pZJzFOLMre
8/29
2020
my dog is asleep on my belly. I’m drinking chocolate milk and we’re watching Indiana Jones stuff turns out okay sometimes y’all :)you know that voice in your head that tells you to jump when you’re up high? well tonight I met it’s cousin, the… https://t.co/pPi75C4umG
8/28
2020
broad city and parks and rec are President and Vice President of the “outstanding comedy shows ruined by an awkward… https://t.co/TQ19XBk1w5
8/27
2020
@HJBenjamin the way that the bottom half of your face moves reminds me of a dog under a blanket
8/26
2020
the most misleading part of the show parks & rec is the part where it's always really easy to get a job and every f… https://t.co/98oKV9U74s
8/25
2020
I want to borrow a sweater from Paul Dano and never return it
8/24
2020
aw man https://t.co/rrg03GCSNb @gap2thed that’s a good plant
8/22
2020
@nateandmufasa aw man I thought we were cool
8/21
2020
the most unrealistic part about sci fi blockbuster smash hit avatar is the part where the US government invades a f… https://t.co/81nDl5xnQi
8/20
2020
hey @LAPDHQ is it illegal to make a left turn from a right lane cuz I literally just got cut off in traffic by one… https://t.co/ApnhjAj3W4
8/19
2020
Birkenstocks: for when you have your shit together but want to pretend you don’t to keep identifying with the middle classI wish my life was together enough to own Birkenstockswhy are the people who wear Birkenstocks perfect
8/18
2020
I think I’m gonna watch every Seth Rogen movie and write a dissertation as a bearded pot smoking Jewish comedy writer this is my destinyweird that they put the Seinfeld theme song in this playlist huh guys? doesn’t anyone else feel like that’s weird?… https://t.co/dzFpZuqtri
8/17
2020
arrested development is the last 30 Rock level big lead sitcom I haven’t seen, and the only one I get to watch for… https://t.co/ApZqbWn2QXI take back everything I have ever said about arrested development. it is very good
8/14
2020
America My cousin Alyssa 🤝… https://t.co/9rby3aG9vX
8/13
2020
thus confirming my theory that @birbigs is The Godfather of comedy, secretly pulling the strings behind the scenes… https://t.co/IE6XIVD6hI
8/12
2020
if this entire movie is “edgelord billy crystal negging some lonely director’s type a dream girl” let me know now I’ll turn it offten minutes into When Harry Met Sally and it is just insufferable @gabsy___ don’t worry he’ll forget @Jac0bFM what scarf? that’s just what my neck looks like you rude bitch @Jac0bFM bring it I’ll make you cry twice @uglyjewishkid bat they weh ol of them decieved... ...for anatha ring was mademan root beer doesn’t even taste as good anymore I wish I had a treehouse I didn’t have to leave everyou know when you’re young and you have a crush on someone and then you two talk late at night and the whole world… https://t.co/ESSqxsG9Qu
8/11
2020
really heartbreaking to hear Ben admit he’s never made his wife’s pussy wet. not surprising but still, heartbreaking https://t.co/p74bPqSRDu @edgarwright This is the content I’m here to see.
8/10
2020
somehow bon ivers third album made the concept of having an aesthetic into an aestheticshe says “have you ever spatchcocked a chicken” the way Bond girls say their sexually suggestive pseudonyms https://t.co/CTkeTDttI2have I been wrong all this time? is la la land actually stupid?
8/9
2020
my theory the “Nick Cage Paradigm”, i.e. the ratio between how good an actor is and how wealthy an actor is, has be… https://t.co/fToLzPT50L
8/7
2020
i shall take my luncheon in the study darling after which we shall retire to the sunroom for tea posthaste thank yo… https://t.co/kS6k5hlvMG
8/5
2020
All that prevents me are ancient iron chains engraved with runes from a forgotten language, wrapped around my hands… https://t.co/JKXWue9fl6 @NetflixIsAJoke uh he high key stole this bit from donald glover?
8/3
2020
big shoutout to @okayfineAndy who made the list three times https://t.co/u1j8i35Uzs https://t.co/C36I8pr7Cq
8/2
2020
fried chicken is a calzone I will not be taking questions
8/1
2020
@zocharlize depends on which government tbh
7/31
2020
just rolled a crit 20 on my IQ testwow remember when you used to get excited about getting texts instead of an anxiety attack? me neither
7/30
2020
I just want Bob Odenkirk to give me a hug and tell me he’s proud of mepowerful ❤️ https://t.co/NDVTqxTSxnhad a sex dream where I had an open, honest, & frank conversation about the Israeli-Palestinian conflict and the pr… https://t.co/6nmrpoAngP @JoseCanseco hey jose do you want to make a documentary in a rainforest with methe amount of times I have hit my face on something because of a sneeze makes me think god gave me allergies as an… https://t.co/hjDs65G9Ch
7/29
2020

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