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tony shalhoub stan account

206 Following   26 Followers   508 Tweets

Joined Twitter 8/3/19

why does google even advertise? why are they paying money to commercial creators when they are - get this - alrea…
people are friends with me on purpose. it never ceases to amaze me lets create a fun and exciting cereal executive: okay, go on marketing: it’ll have cool colors and fr…
Retweeted by king grandpa 🧢 @birbigs @joebirbigs which one is mike?! what is happening here?!?!?!Yang is as cute as Warren is horny
“and that’s how you kill a dog”
Retweeted by king grandpa 🧢this thing makes a cool sound
Retweeted by king grandpa 🧢I am in my twenties. I should be able to drive my 2018 Honda Civic without making X-Wing noises. and yet here we are.
as if a greeting card from a dog (that cannot write or purchase cards) isn't already funny enough? where does it en… I get to run an old timey soda fountain/ice cream parlor. it's my dream job now too
gotta make corona virus jokes now so it'll be double funny when it kills me
l e g e n d can’t wait to say I told you so to every single person I know
Grandpa 2020: You Want Some Fried Chicken, You Fat Piece Of Shit? my brother to the dmv today @hipcoolaunt this is very insensitive to people with too many/too few thumbs. we get it, you have the average amoun… NAMES I’D USE UNDERCOVER: - Don Geronimo - Buster “wet nips” Guster - Slip N. Slide (1/?)hey @mrgoodbar fuck you asshole be a Hershey’s Crackle or be nothing disappointment has a face and it is wrapped… to imagine rocky 3 or the mighty ducks as a medical procedural. you can’t? that’s because in those movies, ther…
the VMAs and the Grammys are jokes. @Spotify should start their own end of the year award show that’s half based on… can drive an Aston Martin all you want, you’re still parking in freshman parking lot A @abbygov Seinfeld did what years of Yeshiva High School couldn't - it made me proud to be Jewishoh thank god. finally I can sleep at night. too long have I been tormented by the fear of insufficient air travel c… spotify: I never not ever not once in my life have…
@jabber_da_hutt how did I miss this priceless tweet. carve this in a stone tablet and give it to the sons of israel from the mountaintopEven @HamillHimself is a mere regular Jedi. Bet he wishes he could be a Double Jedi like me had a 35 minute lightsaber battle with two seven year olds. they crowned me a "double Jedi" and I've never bee…
is chef short for chefherdIn most contexts, if something will “melt your popsicle” it’s a metaphor for something unattractive and not arousin…
I don’t support the death penalty except for whoever invented good ‘n’ plenty licorice pieces @birbigs as a lifelong fan and a lifelong Jew, I never heard that Mel Gibson bit until just now and loved it. how d… was a period of time (2006-2009? not sure exactly) where monk, scrubs, psych, how i met your mother, and the… got a lil fuzzy head and imma LICK ITSlurp Slurp Shaloub Gimme That Cheekimma lick tony shaloub
JUST WHEN I THOUGHT I HAD FINISHED SEINFELD MARVELOUS MRS. MAISEL SEASON THREE COMES AROUND AND @IJasonAlexander @jormataccone somewhere out there @JesseDavidFox just had a heart attack
rt if u have seen seinfeld
Retweeted by king grandpa 🧢honestly @gabegundacker has a lot of great standup clips on his Twitter. bet he could stitch them all together for… @cottoncandaddy I wrote a comedy sketch with this premise literally last week wtfThe Witcher makes ZERO sense. I miss watching Seinfeld
why. why? why would you start a conversation with me. from the down escalator. when I’m on the up escalator? that’s… saw a short guy hug a tall girl. he was holding on to her backpack for dear life. god put that before me for a reasonHey #yanggang can we make Jon Secada’s “Do You Believe In Us” an unofficial campaign song? Give it a listen and tel… is no one more lovable on this earth. #AmericaNeedsYang don’t have a bucket list, instead I have a hundred open tabs in my safari app, each with a different thing I migh…
white dudes love saying “joe rogan actually talked about that”white dudes love saying "what's better a warm toilet seat or a cold toilet seat?"white dudes love saying "you know it's always sunny in philadelphia is a seriously underrated show"white dudes love saying "uh actually adding lanes to highways doesn't alleviate traffic, transportation reaches a natural equilibrium"white dudes love having boring conversations and saying "bro we should totally have a podcast" then their fellow…
comedians: How can I be funny without being offensive??? r/ambien:
Retweeted by king grandpa 🧢 @JesseDavidFox @realDonaldTrump wow imagine having a penis that small @hipcoolaunt this tweet is a better pick-me-up than the coffee I drank from the mug this morning ❤️
scrubs be like “these three unrelated stories ARE related - because even though we have flaws, at the end of the da…
@jew_crew_ jo jo rabbit. movie of the year. finally accurate Jewish representation in modern media.
@jew_crew_ The Breakfast Club but it’s 5 baby yodas on 5 different journeys of teenage self discoveryjust saw @melissavcomedy at the Hollywood Improv. who knew laughter is supposed to warm your heart? I do now!
me: man I’m really disappointed about the Salhir them: oh, Crimea River? me: could you be supportive just oncewhether it’s Bernie or Yang we are in for a sassy four years
J. Robert Oppenheimer - known for his work on the atomic bomb, his famous quote "I am become death, destroyer of wo… days my mood is "optimistically dumping laundry on my bed to fold it later". some days my mood is "pushing i…
Curb scratches the itch.
the wii sports soundtrack didn’t have to go that hard, but it did - for us.
today is the last day u can retweet this for the next 10 years
Retweeted by king grandpa 🧢
I speak Sein language
Retweeted by king grandpa 🧢This subreddit post makes me so happy. A Warren staffer draws comparison to the Obama campaign's enthusiasm and not…
Retweeted by king grandpa 🧢#3Mil4Yang
@robots_feel me and my best friend @JesseDavidFox relate to thisso ok I know this is dumb but I literally just figured out "I saw mommy kissing santa claus" is about a kid that do… why the fuck every girl I ever met "used to do ballet"
I am so emptyhis final stand up is in an orange jumpsuit, in prison, and no one laughs. he literally gets dragged off stage as e… Costanza fucks a judge. a blues montage. newman lives in his car. a string quartet cover of the theme and a partridge in a pear treeholy shit Elaine ruined the soup nazis life. over what?The Soup Nazi’s testimony could be a Spielberg feature on its ownwow this show is such a clear genesis for community, it's always sunny, and every other anti-sitcom sitcom. you nev… fat guy that got robbed is played by the first comedian I ever heard, John Pinette. I feel like my life is coming full circleNo. Fucking. Way. The honorable Arthur Vandelay.hey Frank Costanza needs to smoke onewow the setup for this episode took like 8 turns and as many hoursoh damn the bossa cover of the theme should've been in my life wayyyy sooneryou're right Jerry! it CAN'T end like this!KRAMER EVEN HAS BLOOD IN HIS EYE. CALL SOMEONEyo Newman scares the absolute shit out of meope kramer finally snapped that ain’t french buddy that’s an aneurismmr. and mrs. seinfeld using separate receivers to talk to their son and watching Xena warrior princess together is… is absolutely unhinged in this one holy shit I can't watch"don't grab a sports jacket!" cut to Jerry in a sports jacket what a fucking two faced bitchback when using a cell phone was impolite, WILDoof first time a joke in the stand-up part didn't land. they kept it in. interesting does not bode wellIt's time everyone. I aired grievances, I made a pilgrimage, I even watched the bloopers. I can push it off no long… @SeinfeldTV I went to the Seinfeld diner on festivus in honor! a pilgrimage to the ancestral homeland for the holiest day of the year. happy festivus everyone.
@giantschleps @Seinfeld2000 The Mishna holds that festivus actually begins at sundown on the 22nd
found the amazing salvio's side hustle: soap making @commentiquette hating Hamilton & Lin Manuel Miranda vs my theater nerd friends @JoseCanseco great point jose thanks
god I just saw the most fucked up thing on the subway. some kid in Crocs took a bite out of his ice cream with his…