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comedy writer but TO WHAT END?!

1,438 Following   31,137 Followers   45,253 Tweets

Joined Twitter 6/14/11

Butchering AAVE got you talking like Mr. Krabs
Retweeted by mr skeleton bonesSmart, eager to learn and treat-driven Cucumber #97724 will be murdered Thursday unless we get him out. When he get…
Retweeted by mr skeleton bonesPlease vote No on Prop 22 #NoOnProp22
Retweeted by mr skeleton bonesSeems important
Retweeted by mr skeleton bones @kbiegel no but we got this quarantine on ya see
all the dudes who wear this jacket should also have to wear the mask
Retweeted by mr skeleton bonesI don’t think I’ll ever get over the fact that we had someone running for President that was like “we need healthca…
Retweeted by mr skeleton bones12 foot girlfriend with life eyeslol looking aggressively human
Retweeted by mr skeleton bonesi'll never forget watching this happen in real time. over this website. how liberals spread random vids of crowds o…
Retweeted by mr skeleton bones @westinbonaventurememesYou can donate to @nithyavraman HERE:
Retweeted by mr skeleton bonestheres so many empty stores and then like 3 pan asian fast food places right next to each otheri miss going to the weird jet set futurist lobby / abandoned mall of the Westin Bonvanture hotel in downtown LA @LizMaupin football!Oh my GOD @zachbdunn Haha he looks so sadAs someone from the south I can tell you there's nothing southerners love more than getting mail from New York and… @SamuelSaulsbury @limitlessjest This is so funny[Talking to my daughters prom date with a shotgun on my lap] “If you don’t take good care of my daughter tonight I am going to kill myself”
Retweeted by mr skeleton bonesif Biden wins I hope the Dems are prepared for the four years of nonstop impeachment hearings that they were too cowardly to hold for Trump
Retweeted by mr skeleton bonesI am going to become midnight meat trainOfficially a zed-lister Strahan Gives Passionate Speech About Being Black In America While Terry Bradshaw Patiently Waits to Discus…
Retweeted by mr skeleton bonesUpdate
Retweeted by mr skeleton bonesThere's a clip they keep showing for cop show LAs finest where I think Jessica Alba says "I go to jail with this fa… @adulteraisin The Simpsons (it's about the Simpsons)Has anyone made it seem like Trump is dancing to the milk is the dad songat some point in kermit the frog's life he went from wearing clothes in a nursery to living in a swamp naked
Retweeted by mr skeleton bonesMy boss once called me irresponsible for living paycheck to paycheck. He told me this because he was a week late pa…
Retweeted by mr skeleton bonesSo we agree that trump is a fascist
Retweeted by mr skeleton bonesu at the club and u look across the room and i’m givin u one of these, wyd
Retweeted by mr skeleton bones @Joshstrangehill @ThatGuy3002 from trump
Retweeted by mr skeleton bonesHundreds of ICE detainees reported abuse inside California’s detention centers. Cases were rarely prosecuted
Retweeted by mr skeleton bones @BrotiGupta bearlogramsare bears...real football team? @RaxKingIsDead dont they put corn on pizza?Just thinking about the time when we simply trusted Boeing to oversee the certification of software on its 737 MAX…
Retweeted by mr skeleton bonesgather round children and hear my wondrous tale of how rbg sent the flylol bears get a delay of game out of a timeout incredibleAlso her alleged crime is that she broke into an empty home and lived there for a week. This is what you put a 35-w…
Retweeted by mr skeleton bonesLol just a plucky little co-op this but I urge everyone defending a pepsi subsidiary to stick a big ol asshole into their mouthWay late to this but dolemite is my name is very goodKirstie DumbassImagine having to take Aaron Sorkin's drink order if he's drinking with someone he wants to impress @robdelaney @GraceSpelman DoggBoggs208 @GraceSpelman Essentially @GraceSpelman I mean he got essential put in a second commercial that was cheaper than literally any commercial on tvAnother way to look at the whole ocean spray skateboard guy thing is that he gave them exposure you could not buy f… funny thing woulda been if she tried to have sex with tiny pajamas tom hanks like in back to the futureNothing could convince me my son wasn't taken by some kinda ill fitting clothing fetish pervYou ever think about how the mom in Big saw tom hanks wearing tiny pajamas and then her son came home wearing a giant suitthe biggest thing progressives have misunderstood about the Trump years, it's this: Trump actually is funny. phrasi…
Retweeted by mr skeleton bonesThat milk is the cereals dad video is what happens when copywriters find out I think you should leave is popular
Retweeted by mr skeleton bones @NoahGarfinkel Halloween two weeks away, people are debating which candy has to go @merosskimball Every timeAs I life longer republican who's voting for Biden I want you to know I'm a complete piece of shit but not one who tolerates potty mouthDavid Ryu just sent this mailer to Republicans. His closing message is identical to Trump's. Don't believe him whe…
Retweeted by mr skeleton bones @felipetmedinaa @samnaman Congrats! Sorry!SurreAl Yankovic do I have to do everything myself
@BrotiGupta Frankfeinstein's Monster @GraceSpelman Like you get the sense that this happens every 6 days or so @GraceSpelman Butler trying to lure salieri away from his own suicide with sweet creams is an A+ bitWhen the flight attendants do bits during the safety demonstration @bnacker The Joe Rogan Experience? (Got em)*On a podcast struggling to remember what sound the cow goes* "Oh man I'll bet people are screaming at their phones right now" @zokmotbot 100%As a republican I'm furious that I can't go to college and double major in the historical virtue of slavery and the… @coolhandschlute The fuck you didn't. You accused me of committing a felony. I'd avoid being around me, were I you.
Retweeted by mr skeleton bonesHe makes Glen do his laundryThat milk is the cereals dad video is what happens when copywriters find out I think you should leave is popularI wanna do a mad men sequel where bobby draper grows up and becomes a mayor @pattymo My tweets arent just good they're @maura @CraigSJ Lol @pattymo This is good right @tim_baltz Yes daddy @PJVogt A thing about New York is always having to know how the people around you are feeling"Close to Burstyn: I'm close to burstin'"-Glenn Close telling Ellen Burstyn she needs to pee (over a walkie talkie)
Retweeted by mr skeleton bones*Glenn Close decides to splurge and eat her third Kind Bar of the day* Glenn (to self): Time for a Close Encounter of the Third Kind
Retweeted by mr skeleton bonesGlenn Close looking like someone just told her she's in Hillbilly Elegy was Pee Wee for kids whose parents didn't encourage them to be themselves @itsjonmackey Journalism school is paying off @AndyRichter There's an app for your phone nowTruly a strange second act in my life to hand it to This Is Branchburg podcast: "guy who is convinced the Mafia did 9/11" is an incredible premise for comedy
Retweeted by mr skeleton bonesI heard that cult is taking packets for season 2 of the vowPaul Thomas Cruiser @pattymo will never watch one of those videos of people putting like marinara into a block of cheese and then melting it over ribs or whateverI'll bet a popular insult around car companies in the 90s was "this guy's all rack and no pinion if you know what I mean" @brocarthy When I do this at karaoke everyone laughs and then gets bored by the second chorusALRIGHT ALRIGHT! Here's the complete lyrics to "Monsters University" by Robert Pixar
Retweeted by mr skeleton bones