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Always a Climate Change Accepter, currently juggling multiple catastrophes. Link to show just my tweets below

1,736 Following   5,757 Followers   28,433 Tweets

Joined Twitter 4/4/07


I couldn’t decide if I wanted bangs or not so I cut bangs for my daughter and she looks awful. Dodged a bullet there.
Retweeted by Ian Dukes Injustice RejecterWe have arrived at a sustained daily rate of 200k+ new cases and 4000 deaths. Unfathomable. How long can this go on?
Retweeted by Ian Dukes Injustice Rejecter
1/15
2021
[2001] GOP: we cannot bow to the fear of violence or the terrorists will know they won [20 years later] GOP: we… https://t.co/vcq3W8otjj
Retweeted by Ian Dukes Injustice RejecterEating popcorn happens in two distinct phases- phase one is eating the kernels one at a time in a civilized manner… https://t.co/up9uTbZ64m
Retweeted by Ian Dukes Injustice RejecterHad the pleasure of performing some online stand up to a select group of 20 the other day. Sure, it was my sons Kin… https://t.co/8G15a0oAG8
Retweeted by Ian Dukes Injustice RejecterMy love language is knives
Retweeted by Ian Dukes Injustice RejecterThe One With The Chicken https://t.co/he27GGwdnu
Retweeted by Ian Dukes Injustice RejecterIf Eminem ever quits rapping to be a full-time DJ, he should call himself Fatboy Slim Shady.
Retweeted by Ian Dukes Injustice RejecterI just made my daughter a grilled cheese and her response was “this is perfect, I bet you can’t do it twice” so yes… https://t.co/aPWj9DR9wY
Retweeted by Ian Dukes Injustice RejecterIf your wife's name is Judy and you don't have her in your phone under "Call of Judy," what are you even doing with your life
Retweeted by Ian Dukes Injustice RejecterBeing a medical student means any time I have a stomach ache I immediately think I have inflammatory bowel disease or stomach cancer
Retweeted by Ian Dukes Injustice RejecterPlot Twist: The framers of the Constitution rolling over in their graves
Retweeted by Ian Dukes Injustice Rejecterbank robber: put your hands where I can see or you all die me: *covering his eyes* I got this y'all
Retweeted by Ian Dukes Injustice RejecterMAGA BRO: so what i meant in that facebook video was let's take revenge on the democrats by LIVING WELL FBI AGENT… https://t.co/hKLOvrkpc2my cat at 4pm: *sleeping soundly* my cat at 4:01pm: *gets in my face* WHERE THE FUCK IS MY TREAT
Retweeted by Ian Dukes Injustice Rejecternote: do u like me? trump: [circling "no"] pence: :(
Retweeted by Ian Dukes Injustice Rejecterscientists are gaslighting snails https://t.co/6erflrfxYO
Retweeted by Ian Dukes Injustice Rejecter
1/14
2021
[first day skydiving] instructor: PULL THE CORD me: I THINK THAT SETS A DANGEROUS PRECEDENT instructor: WHAT me… https://t.co/0lkurTH42p
Retweeted by Ian Dukes Injustice RejecterDonald Trump is making history by becoming the only president to be impeached more times than he’s been elected president
Retweeted by Ian Dukes Injustice RejecterMe: I’m terrified I might turn into a Therapist: Me: dog Therapist: what’s with the pause? Me: OH SHIT WHERE
Retweeted by Ian Dukes Injustice RejecterUnder NO circumstances are you to EVER say “you’re welcome!” -fast food managers, probably
Retweeted by Ian Dukes Injustice Rejecterhey trump my uncle owns a landscaping company if u need a parking lot to host ur impeachment hearing in
Retweeted by Ian Dukes Injustice Rejecter*kidnapping Beyoncé* got your Knowles
Retweeted by Ian Dukes Injustice RejecterConnective tissue is when you open a new box of Kleenex and that first sheet comes out as eight all stuck together
Retweeted by Ian Dukes Injustice Rejecter @adamgreattweet 💉💉🙏🙏Covid Vaccine Trump Impeachment 🤝 Second time’s the charm
Retweeted by Ian Dukes Injustice RejecterTime traveling to undo a great catastrophe (when I accidentally threw away that free sandwich punch card)
Retweeted by Ian Dukes Injustice RejecterWas online learning with my 4 y.o. and he was being taught about David and Goliath which i thought was cool because… https://t.co/S7CVDR15WT
Retweeted by Ian Dukes Injustice RejecterREPUBLICANS: let's put this behind us ME: *building barricade* but.. the mob is in front of usimagine getting brainwashed by a facebook group, spending your savings on a trip to the capitol, risking your life… https://t.co/buGuwK1ivh
Retweeted by Ian Dukes Injustice RejecterMuppets are hand puppets so all their sex is no-strings attached.
Retweeted by Ian Dukes Injustice RejecterSkips one meal, weigh me now.
Retweeted by Ian Dukes Injustice RejecterThem: I hope this email finds you well. Me: *eating bagel bites in my pajamas at 4 PM* It does not
Retweeted by Ian Dukes Injustice Rejecter @JustMeTurtle yeah peaceful transfer of power is out the window this time boys. straight out the smashed capitol windowWar and Peace? In this dichotomy?
Retweeted by Ian Dukes Injustice Rejecter[2001] GOP: we cannot bow to the fear of violence or the terrorists will know they won [20 years later] GOP: we… https://t.co/vcq3W8otjjME: I heard that skin-to-skin contact is important for father and child bonding MY DAD: I think that's for newborns
Retweeted by Ian Dukes Injustice Rejecterthings we have learned over the past 12 months: - if you're on a video conference call, don't jerk off - if you'r… https://t.co/2E469BjsDC
Retweeted by Ian Dukes Injustice Rejecter“You just have to give it 110%” I can promise you no more than 45% and even that’s pushing it
Retweeted by Ian Dukes Injustice RejecterThe first thing I do in Minecraft is build an exact copy of my house https://t.co/NyjxZJbQ6P
Retweeted by Ian Dukes Injustice RejecterHer: I want roleplay and you to choke me Me: *walks in dressed as a fish bone* no problem
Retweeted by Ian Dukes Injustice RejecterJust tried to button my jeans and I swear to God I really need to stop snacking on spiders in the middle of the night
Retweeted by Ian Dukes Injustice RejecterI dont bring my car in for oil changes because I think my car is fine the way it is. Keep being yourself, car.
Retweeted by Ian Dukes Injustice Rejecter[Swiss bank] ME: I'd like to take out a loan CASHIER: Okay, what kind? ME: A tober CASHIER: what? ME: A toberl… https://t.co/Lk2A6oaNzg
Retweeted by Ian Dukes Injustice RejecterMy oldest son did two tours in Iraq in service of our country and constitution putting his life on the line, and GO… https://t.co/PZummZAZHf
Retweeted by Ian Dukes Injustice RejecterI prosecuted the mafia and never wavered from my oath to pursue justice, without fear or favor, no matter what risk… https://t.co/DmMwr9SPxK
Retweeted by Ian Dukes Injustice Rejecterin an interview last summer, Trump shrugged off 1,000 daily coronavirus deaths: “it is what it is” what it is today: 4,022 deaths
Retweeted by Ian Dukes Injustice Rejecter
1/13
2021
@ADHDeanASL sending hugs and best thoughts Dean ❤️you ok bro? you've barely even cranked that soulja boy today
Retweeted by Ian Dukes Injustice RejecterWould like to go back to 2001 to show certain Republican officials video of their future selves saying society shou… https://t.co/oN6lfPCzoa
Retweeted by Ian Dukes Injustice RejecterI publicly challenge Papa John to a fistfight. Winner gets all the money in the losers bank account
Retweeted by Ian Dukes Injustice RejecterME: *shouting from the back row* just play the hits! CONGRESS: *introduces articles of impeachment* ME: woooo this is my jam
Retweeted by Ian Dukes Injustice Rejecter*takes bite of Pringle* yes *nods at date then waiter* we'll have the tube
Retweeted by Ian Dukes Injustice Rejecterwho called it air force one and not snake on a plane
Retweeted by Ian Dukes Injustice RejecterBean-dad won't let me use my sink until I figure out how to unclog it with a can opener https://t.co/36TTHCuyHR
Retweeted by Ian Dukes Injustice RejecterOFFSPRING is short for Oh For Fucks Sake, Pringles
Retweeted by Ian Dukes Injustice RejecterSo glad I pay my therapist $200 a week for my brain to suddenly forget everything that was bothering us the second a session starts
Retweeted by Ian Dukes Injustice Rejecterdon’t know who needs to hear this, but if they’re rough with their toothbrush, they’ll leave you unsatisfied
Retweeted by Ian Dukes Injustice RejecterME: *chanting* accountability, now! GOP: *joining in* accountability, no!The only reason to procreate in the zombie apocalypse, is for the delicious meal you get in nine months.
Retweeted by Ian Dukes Injustice RejecterI’m not saying I was high last night, but I saw an email that said “free sweater inside” and I remember thinking ..… https://t.co/GVDJZSX3O6
Retweeted by Ian Dukes Injustice Rejecterme: [hiding behind couch] email: there you are
Retweeted by Ian Dukes Injustice Rejecterhim: your hands are so cold. cold hands, warm hea- me: no.
Retweeted by Ian Dukes Injustice RejecterWriting a movie where I’m a new teacher trying to reach a class full of tough youths but they make fun of my shoes… https://t.co/QWqWz9f1TS
Retweeted by Ian Dukes Injustice Rejectercritic: jazz is about the notes you don’t play me: [mouth wrapped around wrong end of saxophone] critic: he is magnificent
Retweeted by Ian Dukes Injustice RejecterWhat’s always appalled me about this country is how we have so much more empathy for powerful people who commit cri… https://t.co/hyUHK7lNqG
Retweeted by Ian Dukes Injustice Rejecter
1/12
2021
America has lost 12k people to Covid over the past few days. That’s on you too. Just FYI. https://t.co/wR9Yd84ehh
Retweeted by Ian Dukes Injustice Rejecter @TheObscureGents beautiful 💔❤️My zodiac sign is just the stars calling me a piece of shit
Retweeted by Ian Dukes Injustice Rejectercarmen san diego: hope this email finds you- waldo: no u
Retweeted by Ian Dukes Injustice Rejecterplease follow me for more platinum hits like this https://t.co/cmDzrdPCSSelon musk is worth $200 billion so how do we sell him
Retweeted by Ian Dukes Injustice Rejecterhttps://t.co/cEMpPzqUdk
Retweeted by Ian Dukes Injustice RejecterME: [as they're about to slap the cuffs on me] i hereby resign from all the bank robberies i did GOP POLICE: damn, he got away with it
Retweeted by Ian Dukes Injustice Rejecter @YlfTyler @adamgreattweet 🤘🙌😅The vaccine rollout is so typical of this country's approach to delivering public goods. A decentralized and underf… https://t.co/4NVTOwWVx5
Retweeted by Ian Dukes Injustice Rejecterlook. no matter what we do, conservatives are gonna say this is like 1984. at this point we should go all in. make… https://t.co/X5YUc8ngao
Retweeted by Ian Dukes Injustice RejecterME: *shouting from the back row* just play the hits! CONGRESS: *introduces articles of impeachment* ME: woooo this is my jamMore sports need to be like swimming. I might actually watch tennis if the players died because they stopped moving their arms
Retweeted by Ian Dukes Injustice RejecterAntifa is behind on my last three payments and Patton Oswalt isn't returning my calls.
Retweeted by Ian Dukes Injustice RejecterI’m from the south, we burn our extra tires in a tradition called a, “tar far”
Retweeted by Ian Dukes Injustice RejecterYogis who hook up are just friends with bendafits.
Retweeted by Ian Dukes Injustice RejecterCoping with depression by making impulse buys on Amazon aka letting Jeff Bezos feed on my sadness.
Retweeted by Ian Dukes Injustice Rejectermaybe it's a stretch but I think Charlie Brown was always sad and mopey because he was 10 years old and FUCKING BALD
Retweeted by Ian Dukes Injustice RejecterGoing to be a full-time activist for Idahoan independence from the US. I don't live in Idaho or anything, I'm just sick of their shit
Retweeted by Ian Dukes Injustice RejecterPortion control is a lie created by the bourgeoisie to keep the working class craving more chips
Retweeted by Ian Dukes Injustice Rejecterjust drew this i'm 32 https://t.co/JFcngJISBS
Retweeted by Ian Dukes Injustice Rejecterhim: how are things going me: very orgoodian my english teacher: [pokes head in] me: sorry, very orwellian
Retweeted by Ian Dukes Injustice Rejecter“She put me in the friendzone” wrong she also does not want to be your friend
Retweeted by Ian Dukes Injustice RejecterApplebees is short for apple bottom bees, boots with the fur
Retweeted by Ian Dukes Injustice Rejecter
1/11
2021
I cannot believe that it's now been FOUR DAYS since the most consequential attack on the seat of US government sinc… https://t.co/O0MnN1JMW9
Retweeted by Ian Dukes Injustice RejecterPicking up on @henryfarrell's comments here, one implication of my work on democratic breakdown is that the US shou… https://t.co/hubq7hfUui
Retweeted by Ian Dukes Injustice RejecterI don’t ever recall Republicans saying we shouldn’t investigate Hillary again because we need healing. It’s only wh… https://t.co/GSChwiYbUH
Retweeted by Ian Dukes Injustice RejecterI have gotten a lot of DMs about this and I would like to confirm that I am banning Donald Trump from hummus. Nobod… https://t.co/lgOylRac5H
Retweeted by Ian Dukes Injustice RejecterJUST IN: Campbell’s has snipped the string between Trump’s soup cans
Retweeted by Ian Dukes Injustice Rejecter
1/10
2021
“What if we put wheels on this toilet?” *inventor of the RV
Retweeted by Ian Dukes Injustice Rejecterhttps://t.co/udWWwO0t4y
Retweeted by Ian Dukes Injustice RejecterLet’s be very clear. The officials urging for no serious consequences after Wednesday’s attack on our country - in… https://t.co/A4Nwg0zrxE
Retweeted by Ian Dukes Injustice Rejecterwent to pickup some dinner but the place was on one of those streets where it’s angled parking spaces you have to b… https://t.co/O6r4nlVcvr
Retweeted by Ian Dukes Injustice Rejecterbreaker breaker one-nine this is Big Potus you got your ears on come back
Retweeted by Ian Dukes Injustice Rejecter
1/9
2021

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