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One time I set fire to an owl. It flew away screeching and hit a tree. Then the tree set on fire. I ran away. he/him.

219 Following   265 Followers   10,371 Tweets

Joined Twitter 6/1/09


@tenthmuse @taughnee Pants are pants. But like, not YOUR flavour of pants. And also not your flavour. @Kathy_Darling ☹️ @taughnee THAT’S WHAT THEY ARE THOUGH PANTS ARE PANTS @HannahKate19 @mmegannnolan Actual genuine lols out loud. Comment 🙏🏻 = I will hum at a crystal to heal his chin
1/20
2020
@cassidoo This is my new favourite game and I’m going to win it FOR. EV. AR.
1/19
2020
@tenthmuse @taughnee THAT’S THE ONLY REASON YOU’LL NEVER BE A BILLIONAIRE @taughnee Read this morning: HABITS OF MILLIONAIRES. They read at least 20 books a week and survive on 3 hours of s… https://t.co/sIAWJNEHwl @Isaacheus @IMEmmaSmart Agreed! @IMEmmaSmart @Isaacheus I have the baby version. I’d *love* to do the larger one, but I’ve got nowhere to put it. T… https://t.co/4cQC8Sh8SE
1/18
2020
@IMEmmaSmart Oof - that Millennium Falcon tho 😍 @kvlly THIS SO HARD. @tenthmuse I think trying to define pudding is like trying to define the concept of irony: sure, it can be done, bu… https://t.co/OI1uwrlPnc @TatianaTMac My personal faves are always ‘baffled/baffling’ - if I say “I’m baffled as to why they did this”, it *… https://t.co/0134DdJ3H6 @lovevalgeisler Holy hell 🙄
1/17
2020
Jan 😅 Feb ♥️ Mar 🥳 Apr 😬 May 🎁 Jun 🤫 Jul 😍 Aug 😓 Sep 🎈 Oct 😄 Nov 🤷🏼‍♀️ Dec 🙄 https://t.co/J4LCmXT0Q6 @getbent81 Jalapeño Eyeball! 👋🏻 @tenthmuse I’m going to start with a coffee table first.(This is, quite literally, my recurring nightmare - and the only one I’ve had as an adult - that I’m back at school… https://t.co/03n1ZONrDbI AM GOING BACK TO SCHOOL. VOLUNTARILY. FOR WOODWORK. I AM GOING TO WOOD SCHOOL. HA. HAHA. OH GOD 😅 @tenthmuse TOO LATEJust had a REALLY AWKWARD sales call, and at the end the guy blurred out “Uh, thanks for your time and, uh, I hope… https://t.co/tdUZ1V8gvw @S0phieH ANTICISTAMINES! Amazing 😄
1/16
2020
@Kathy_Darling That... looks baffling. @JoshWComeau Not sure how helpful this is (early 00s), but: I taught myself Flash before anything else, and I was g… https://t.co/n8sxCu2UnD @Kathy_Darling “Bounce a coin off your Witcher...” https://t.co/eJS8cezZEF @Kathy_Darling 🤣 ACCURATE. @Kathy_Darling Hahaha. Okay, you do you with the pizza, and I’ll be a total snob about my tea 😊 @Kathy_Darling Honestly couldn’t tell the difference! It’s just a nice crispy base. But I’m also ALL ABOUT sourdough bases for me. @Kathy_Darling Have you tried cauliflower pizza? I made one once! It’s a pain to sqeeeeeeeze all of that moisture o… https://t.co/JrxiKYAOaY @Sturgeworld @jennifogg I *did* worse as a teenage boy, but this is as much as I’m willing to admit to. I will say… https://t.co/oGWFJ8zx5n @joeystrange @ThatEricAlper That’s right, @joeystrange lives in Camelot. @jennifogg @Sturgeworld I was a prepubescent boy. These things, I’m sorry to say, we’re not a concern to me 🤢 (Ple… https://t.co/0FW0Kw7v30 @jennifogg @Sturgeworld I used to do this myself so I could have an extra 40 minutes in bed. It’s just science. BED SCIENCE.do Brits refer to session cookies as session biscuits?
Retweeted by Lawrie’s gettin’ drafted
1/15
2020
@TatianaTMac Does it count if it was me? 😬 I helped someone into the disabled toilets at a store nearby. @thebirdiehansen @lizzo Which Little Mermaid songs? 🧜🏾‍♀️
1/14
2020
I couldn’t think of the name of it, so I said “the hair reverse-vacuum cleaner” 🤷🏼‍♀️ @JoelGratcyk Someone told me that the temperature at which you do your milk has to be exact to do latte art - I thi… https://t.co/RWoo2KVa4T @Elle_Nic_Woods lawl @Rachael_Fulton @evenstar6q I had the same question. Random capitalisation is *at least* as egregious as rogue apostrophes.
1/12
2020
@ProfaneFeminist This is the most recently saved one in my phone 🐶 https://t.co/uP2vCDYVGB @kaveeta “Hi Laura...”Not my problem so much as everyone else’s: no one knows how to spell or pronounce it 🙄 https://t.co/rULWWJzAk4
1/11
2020
@TatianaTMac @LittleKope Okay, let me try. Huh. Okay, I totally can for this one, but I didn’t see the ‘Add descr… https://t.co/bKB64OcqGc @LittleKope @TatianaTMac Here’s a really interesting point! I actually WANTED to write alt text for mine, but the o… https://t.co/sKzu2av7Xq @dougmessel @JimSpanfeller H E R B @TatianaTMac ☺️🥰 @TatianaTMac Everyone here looks SO GOOD 😍 This is easily the best picture ever taken of me, and I didn’t even re… https://t.co/cFhbtnQz7O @tenthmuse @MuellerSheWrote [gif alt: badger badger badger badger] https://t.co/LaDpTsln3M
1/10
2020
@kvlly That made me do a lol. OUT LOUD. @tenthmuse @MuellerSheWrote THE THING IS THO: both of you have that silver growing in PREMIUM FEATURE locations. My… https://t.co/dTwpKngbOx @EvanOutOfTen Goddamn. This is PERFECT ♥️ @BriannaShrum It’s a seasonal requirement that I MUST watch Jingle All The Way. I got so sad that it wasn’t on TV f… https://t.co/g8EWmK4zC8Run back Facebook did today. They bought a story in a publication, pretended it wasn’t sponsored, their COO posted… https://t.co/Xuv1F6blep
Retweeted by Lawrie’s gettin’ draftedJust witnessed a child in a zero waste shop yell ‘LENTILS’ before opening the lentil pipe and allowing them to gush… https://t.co/Ia66sMMoow
Retweeted by Lawrie’s gettin’ drafted
1/9
2020
@Kathy_Darling I’d assume that number-type inputs always have a value; BUT, you can always clear it on focus? Altho… https://t.co/mrZUyl8ZlwDaily Mail: Meghan you avocado eating bitch you are FUELING MURDER Daily Mail tomorrow: Why are you leaving, you w… https://t.co/4EYDMdKkNY
Retweeted by Lawrie’s gettin’ drafted @ohbowow ⚠️ Reporting: I’m in this tweet and I don’t like it. @tenthmuse I thought exactly that! His voice was SPOT ON. I’m assuming/hoping he’ll get the beard at some point.So I just started watching The Witcher, and my main takeaway after episode one is that Henry Cavill is why-do-I-fucking-bother hot 🔥This thread is just pure scientific GOLD 🏆 https://t.co/xIFniOfFZ7 @vampdavegrohl Congratulations!
1/8
2020
@jemjabella ...wait, you mean you DON’T? A lot of the kids they have nowadays keep talking about The Dream Weaver’,… https://t.co/pStZis7BDP @jemjabella Hahaha I just looked mine up and NVQs aren’t even a thing anymore. I did mine in WordPerfect 5.1, Lotus… https://t.co/gMBYLpyd0w @jemjabella High-five for those qualifications! 🖐🏻 #NVQinComputerApplications @bitca Yeah, well, y’know, that’s just like, your opinion, man. @Newdowndog @AnOldLefty We were recommended Canagan by the vet, and he only has 1 tin a day. He’s weirdly picky too… https://t.co/hJOwJuLwvZ @bitca I read this perfectly fine, and now I’ve come back to it 4 hours later like “...tea muffin?” 🥴 @alydiaries After reading what people have said, I have decided I can happily live the rest of my life without watching it. @Kathy_Darling (It was also almost $80 for 3 pizzas 🍕💸) @Kathy_Darling I was once recording at a studio in Chicago and the engineer recommended a pizza place. We ordered a… https://t.co/nowwBzA36t @spencermiIo @HanafubukuOh Hahahaha well, in my defence, I’ve never seen all of it 😅Bearded man wants his rug back. https://t.co/dMjshYbqiA @spencermiIo @HanafubukuOh Happiness? @TingyS Those rare moments of joy when a stranger somehow manages to pronounce both names correctly 😅 @Newdowndog @AnOldLefty Ha, already on both of those! That’s the exact dry food we give him, ad we got a laser pen.… https://t.co/361GLKd1UL
1/7
2020
@TaelurAlexis All of the luck! ♥️ @tenthmuse Everyone enjoys some cheese. Right @Kathy_Darling ? 🧀 @Kathy_Darling He will assume that’s the case anyway. @tenthmuse Last time they were like Vet: How much are you feeding him? Me: One can of Canagan & a 20g scoop of die… https://t.co/6qyJdmkKlt @thebirdiehansen Bwah hahaha, thank you saying this, especially after the post-Xmas weigh-in has CRUSHED MY SOUL 😓… https://t.co/pssJ7KKq4KNext week I’ve got to take Muffin to the vet and stand there getting admonished because he’s put on even more weigh… https://t.co/tCzgnOVWPo @DrewAlger Holy shit, that actually took me a moment to get 😅1. Recorded an album with Steve Albini. 2. Auditioned for Mark Owen of Take That’s backing band. 3. Made a stupid p… https://t.co/EhwNrlD3RuWhat’s your name? Lawrie, with a W. Oh, like this? LWAURIE? https://t.co/oiBDXjvPh8
1/6
2020
@wegotmonobaby se rendre à l'hélico! @cassiecodes I would ONE HUNDRED PERCENT love to attend this. If spaces are available, I definitely want to attend! ♥️ @wegotmonobaby Johnny English is on and there’s some French in that, if you want a refresher. @wegotmonobaby I read this interview. As a big fan of a lot of Gilliam’s work: fuck him. What an absolute fucking flapjack. @tenthmuse Oof 🤕
1/5
2020
@toomanycommas3 BLEURGH! What is up with that top one?! That is SO MUCH MORE sinister than the bottom on. Honestly,… https://t.co/F8XwH27yS9
1/4
2020
@ecnepsnai Note: You *can* go to Search Tools and select Verbatim, but a) you have to do that EVERY TIME, and there… https://t.co/KjTWFz2uKJ @ecnepsnai What I’ve really struggled with for a while now is actual, verbatim results. I was used to putting requi… https://t.co/zawesqE97A @EmmaBostian This is exactly what I’m doing right now. “I’ll just quickly knock out this one thing...” 😓 @taughnee I had to reply with “In good conscience I couldn’t even create a new file for that budget. Good luck with your game!” 🤪 @taughnee My absolute favourite(?!) was from a MAJOR record label: ‘we want an online game for The Jam - trivia, po… https://t.co/CNK5nhN6Bz @taughnee 😂 “For that budget, I will go as far as responding to your email. Here you go - please find invoice attached.”
1/3
2020
100% Not the Asshole™ - welcome to 2020: the year of saying Absolutely Fucking No. https://t.co/GmIDcOUlmh @jemjabella I saw that you did that! Now wondering if I should try it next year. Just start saving up copies of the Daily Mail 😂 @jemjabella Now’s the time to buy 5 rolls of fancy Christmas wrapping paper for 10p! I’m going to give it a week, t… https://t.co/2AqlSDJFPU
1/2
2020

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