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Writer/Comedian | @SICKOFWOLVES | cohost @CommandSphere | Contributor at The Onion | Contact: ItsDanSheehan @ Gmail | Alt For friends/mutuals: @Secret__Daniel

988 Following   32,755 Followers   13,994 Tweets

Joined Twitter 11/2/08

I have a mustache now and nobody knows because of all the masks @animatedGeoff breads freeze super well! My girlfriend made knishes and froze them like 3 weeks ago and this mornin…
Paused "Trial of the Chicago 7" midway through so that I could verify that the judge was deadLots of movies and shows are going to try to capture how simultaneously scary and stupid the current societal momen… @roxiqt @2Saddington There was never any additional info sadlyI've been locked inside so long that I'm starting to miss the shitty parts of social interaction now too. What I wo… @lizziecallen The Trip IS fun!! @nackoball That tracks, I spent a couple days feeling like I just straight up did not existOne of the weirdest things about all this is feeling apocalyptically scared and depressed, just consumed by fear, a… CHECK: Every moment is a precious gift and watching this debate is how you’re choosing to spend it
Retweeted by Doctor Woolworth AmbrosiaIf you slowly raise the temperature of the water around a frog it will eventually let you boil it, but if you do it… know this is absolutely not the case but there are some days where it feels like everybody has just adjusted to l… all this ending and having to go into an office visibly changed by our experiences and just be like "haha Mondays am I right?!"
@russbengtson heroes, every oneYour drafts are just a monument to your own cowardice, a tweet dies the moment you decide not to hit send*shivering in a lifeboat and watching the Titanic make its final plunge into the deep, somehow having survived a ni… love NextDoor right now it's just posts like "My dog has been missing for two days" with forty comments that say "VOTE"Could've been him is getting fucking lambasted by the sherman oaks homeowners association for being endorsed by the DSA. sorry…
Retweeted by Doctor Woolworth AmbrosiaMy role in the post apocalyptic society would be adult man with an uncomfortably intense devotion to Disney WorldThe fall jacket is a promise, it's an invocation of the "new school year, new me" energy you'd feel as a teenager.…👌🏼
Retweeted by Doctor Woolworth AmbrosiaPrepare yourself for 2 months of me saying that for lunch I'll be having a "sloppy gobb"While all you spooky idiots celebrate halloween, I prepare for the real reason for the season: the return of Trader… @megstalter oh hell yeahQuarantine has robbed me of my fall tradition of buying a light jacket, getting very excited about it, and then ult… @deannaortiz_ Those are for cool business folks on the goblocking anyone who uses this as an opportunity to yell at David Attenborough because when you do that you are in f…'m looking into plant based diets and this website recommended casually snacking on olives "on the go" and sorry p… formally asked to stop calling the Criterion Collection "special DVD cases that make my friends less sad" @lydiasigo @bookssarahcats He goes out of his way to discuss the sustainability of indigenous people's lifestyles a… @cottoncandaddy Yeah I pulled together some of the screenshots because I was getting so annoyed of people just look… @cottoncandaddy unfortunately yes @BullyJDean Like his position is so clearly articulated and genuinely useful to the cause of climate reform but I g… @BullyJDean but he makes the point by saying that when you improve people's material conditions, they typically ten… @BullyJDean Yeah he very much blames this on energy companies/capitalism. The population stuff is just him also bri… movie is called A Life On Our Planet, it's goodAlso if you’re calling David Attenborough an eco fascist without having even seen the doc idk what to tell you, that’s your callThe movie is worth a watch though! The ending qualifies as hopeful by 2020 standards @smthngthftsme Yeah most responses to the film just seem to have been written without watching it @smthngthftsme Also he blames industry/capitalist interests for our problems, he just also says those problems can’… @smthngthftsme I don’t think it’s ecofascist to say that one species is not entitled to completely overrun all others @jonahformayor it's a real rough watch"Ooh let's check out the new David Attenborough film, surely we haven't broken this 93 year old nature documentaria…*sees a pic somebody posted of a show I don't watch photoshopped into a reference I don't get with the caption "WHO… media does not want you to know about the many cool games on Hunter Biden's laptop
Using futuristic technology we have rendered what famous cartoon characters would look like as real, human, men. Th… just put his fist through drywall realizing he could've said this @MilesKlee beautifuli guess nobody wanted to live Quibiciously
Retweeted by Doctor Woolworth Ambrosia @RifewithKatie Pivoting to video was moreso just a grift we all fell for @RifewithKatie Quibi was just such a fundamental misunderstanding of what role phones play in young people's lives… reports are showing that the moon "sucks" anthropologists will view Borat as a minor deity and they will be rightLiterally one of the only tenants of our society left standing is "Borat is cool" and to see some people attacking… @Jwbanimeee Exactly! People have the freedom to make fun of celebrities, this is a great pointscarecrow gets # metoo'd
Retweeted by Doctor Woolworth Ambrosia @ethanschan17 I've gotta ask man, why are you going to bat for all these celebrities? These are just jokes and the…🥰🥰 wealthy celebrities will always care more about keeping their friend group's vibe positive than about your human rights 🥰🥰 @zlingray That's their new plan to supposedly make people "add to the conversation" but yeah it's just leading to a… tell you that something's "too sweet for them" like you're supposed to be proud @radponytail That's the Tracey guarantee @soalexgoes I always liked this breakdown of it is so fucked Workflow: 9am-12pm: Still waking up 12-3pm: Post lunch exhaustion 3-8pm: Unknowable Fog Of The Mind 8-9pm: Th… said that Chris Pratt's church was weird and Robert Downey Jr. just texted me a picture of the school my son goes to??Celebs Yesterday: 😊🥰please vote, we can get through this together☺️🥰 Celebs when we make fun of Chris Pratt: liste… @mikecarrozza yeah that's one of the biggest "work no-nos" there is @mikecarrozza Like even in the most charitable possible reading of what happened he is immensely lucky to still have a jobI have to go outside, will I be wearing the warm weather pant or the cold weather pantWe focus on the negatives of quarantine but I only have like two pairs of pants nowRepublicans goofed and did and "Oops all Proud Boys" and decided to just take over the democratic party and it fuckin' worked!!! @marinavstweets So cool! Incredible to see it all come together so well, congratulations!Thinking about how every election from now on is just going to be a choice between the most racist person available…
This isn't going to go away when Covid does, our country is increasingly becoming the type of place that people don… @MEDarch All that's important is just that Johnny was the bad guy and Ralph was the good guy in the original movies… @MEDarch It actually does a really good job of doling out details as it goes! (I also have little to no memory of the karate kid movies)the patient has clearly diedImagine this is playing as I lob a guy's still-beating heart into the air. It lands right back in the surgery hole,… I was a doctor I would play the Italian Chef Song during surgery as a little goofTo whatever future civilization is skimming through our society's digital remains: know that we deserved every inch… @CaseyMalone Given your new hobbies I think this one is more appropriate @CaseyMalone You're on a new path now my friend @CaseyMalone my job at the Money Factory just gives me a check every two weeks that says "however much you need" @CaseyMalone Just imagining having one social media account (an instagram I forgot the password to in 2014) and not… @CaseyMalone Ooh maybe go the Jimmy Buffet route @CaseyMalone let's do a hot jock rebrandWork? Sorry, no time for that today, I'm using my computer to see what it would be like if all my friends were mad at meAnxiety rules, it's like buying a nice computer and using it exclusively to render high quality images of what it w…
I love when Republicans give Democrats advice like "well as someone who would directly benefit from your downfall,… @cottoncandaddy is made exactly as I expected @jgfagerberg Even more fun that way! @cottoncandaddy All Corn Meal is very honest in its representation of what it is unlike this pie which makes you th… lot of people retweeting the tall pie as though it didn't murder my son @CaseyMalone 5-7 times I've seen this big pie and 5-7 times I've wished for its creator's death @bummer_no_b So sorry you have to put up with this manstop showing me the tall pie it is an affront to god @cloutlessone Ultimately they end up getting engaged despite every single one of their friends' warnings @cloutlessone Yeah for real, "necklace that says Dump Him" twitter really got their tyler durden moment with the flower slug