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@mommeh_dearest Did somebody grab the Ruby slippers tho?Anybody else feeling a little like this today? https://t.co/XckPGhfK4C
Retweeted by Momma ChalupaPlease don’t tell me it’s too early to pop open the champagneWhat if your teeth were porous and absorbed liquid like dish sponges?
Retweeted by Momma Chalupa[Grinds up ibuprofen, throws it in cake batter and bakes a chocolate ibuprofen cake.]
Retweeted by Momma Chalupa @ln0217 That would be my faceImagine falling in love and they don’t like Taco Belldoes this weed come in decaf
Retweeted by Momma ChalupaThat tweet was clever until you spelled whoa as woah
Retweeted by Momma ChalupaThose moments that creep into your thoughts making you cringe, Wishing you could find ways to keep them out on the fringe
Retweeted by Momma Chalupa @TheAlexNevil https://t.co/nREkLjXhqJNo, thank 𝙮𝙤𝙪. https://t.co/DEwhQ2JeyM
Retweeted by Momma Chalupa5: I wanna show you a video on my tablet me: ok 5: [sits in front of me and watches the video himself] me: i can… https://t.co/2eWyabHpbb
Retweeted by Momma Chalupa @Kateness8 Ooh ooh, do we have the same mother?!Pretty sure my mom likes to ask herself “how can I make this more inconvenient?”
Retweeted by Momma ChalupaWe all make fun of the people who clap when the plane lands but people also get mad if I boo when the plane lands so make up your minds
Retweeted by Momma ChalupaWhat if each of your teeth had a different pitch and you had to communicate by hitting them with a tuning fork?
Retweeted by Momma Chalupa"Do you have to go?" "No." "Are you sure?" "I'm sure." “Really sure?” “YES.” "I'm going to start driving now." "I t… https://t.co/ikZJaMffb0
Retweeted by Momma ChalupaOh baby I’ll do you like a crossword. Slowly and make you feel inadequate.
Retweeted by Momma Chalupa @HomeWithPeanut https://t.co/k80Vry9tuRDon't you love when a joke tweet of yours takes off in the 1st hour & then falls off the face of the Earth like an… https://t.co/TO6bRO7ZGt
Retweeted by Momma Chalupa @poutinesmoothie https://t.co/y3FZrOo07KUsing a carrot as a butt plug is called a “what’s up, doc?”
Retweeted by Momma ChalupaI hope this email finds the buried treasure
Retweeted by Momma ChalupaDentists are really just salons for teeth
Retweeted by Momma ChalupaFind a guy who’ll spend the evening rubbing your feet and drinking wine with you Then give him my number
Retweeted by Momma Chalupaimagine meeting someone you really like a lot and then finding out they believe in the concept of soul mates
Retweeted by Momma ChalupaBlown by the wind, trampled in dust. https://t.co/zcIbPBx6VV
Retweeted by Momma ChalupaWhenever I’m feeling fancy, I like to buy Advil Liqui-gelsIs there such a thing as fake ibuprofen? I think I have a couple bottles. *whispers* i cannot get rid of this pain in my head
Retweeted by Momma ChalupaOverdose on ibuprofen and chill?
Retweeted by Momma ChalupaI’m I-take-ibuprofen-with-my-morning-vitamins years old.
Retweeted by Momma ChalupaIf I could be anything, I would be independently wealthy and travel the world collecting experiences.
Retweeted by Momma ChalupaPeople that say they are rich in love are assholes.
Retweeted by Momma ChalupaIf your heart is rich I don’t need to see it on your clothes.
Retweeted by Momma ChalupaMove over butter... I need some room to snuggle in.
Retweeted by Momma ChalupaWhen the birds sing at 4 am it's "beautiful" and "a part of nature" but when I do it, it's all "shut up or I'll cal… https://t.co/5qdI0FjI3K
Retweeted by Momma ChalupaI’ll worry about MY butt cheeks. Maybe you should worry about yours.
Retweeted by Momma ChalupaLet’s frolic in a field of cynicism and despair.
Retweeted by Momma ChalupaMy ‘getting back to nature’ is sitting on my back patio drinking a margarita.
Retweeted by Momma ChalupaYour kiss is on my list, as is your collection of vintage 90s Pokémon cards.
Retweeted by Momma ChalupaBet you didn’t think you could be “wrong” about the foods you enjoy or the music you like. Welp. Welcome to twitter.
Retweeted by Momma ChalupaI’ve finally accepted that I’ll never ever be done with laundry. Even if I were to ever get to the bottom of the bi… https://t.co/TPd0zOwIyv
Retweeted by Momma Chalupaimagine meeting your soulmate and finding out they don't believe in soulmates
Retweeted by Momma Chalupa @Caffeine_Sam https://t.co/rJReVyFyqc @_stylr https://t.co/5RAZEB3Ds2 @RolandoTaCoS https://t.co/8NxMCnCRrJ @ChristineVinard Yeah!! I’m that way with books too!!I’m a blobfish girl in a mermaid world I’m gelatinous You’re just fabulous
Retweeted by Momma ChalupaI’m too tired to overeat. What kind of bullshit is this?
Retweeted by Momma Chaluparude unwanted moviegoer erection 🤝 down in front
Retweeted by Momma Chalupa @ChristineVinard That makes me feel so much better!Drug-seeking behavior, except it's just me tryna see if I can get another one of them naps
Retweeted by Momma Chalupa

@NerdJokeTuesday @damnfinetweet https://t.co/5uivjHA0Px @NerdJokeTuesday @damnfinetweet https://t.co/m3Zm4UsWOxIn my natural habitat QT this with a photo of you that somebody else has taken. Selfies are not allowed. It can b… https://t.co/Zog0CfpPdMIce T's estranged son has been trying to reach him. His name? Extended Warren T
Retweeted by Momma ChalupaMarriage counselor: How do you communicate your feelings to each other? Him: Morse Code. Her: Semaphore. Marriage… https://t.co/ZfVs77zuYo
Retweeted by Momma ChalupaStore Manager: You know, in hindsight, maybe we shouldn't have stocked the Gwyneth Paltrow Vagina Candles and the G… https://t.co/ywNhMgVI2t
Retweeted by Momma Chalupa*starts a GoFundMe page to finance my campaign to change the plural of platypus to platypussies*
Retweeted by Momma ChalupaA genuine wear n tear hole has appeared in the knee of my jeans and now my daughter won’t talk to me.
Retweeted by Momma ChalupaBoss: Why don’t you take one for the team... Me: Why don’t YOU take one for the team! Boss: What? Me: What?! Bo… https://t.co/5VEo2ajLIW
Retweeted by Momma ChalupaThe existent of the paper crane, implies the existence of the paper bulldozer.
Retweeted by Momma ChalupaMaking things awkward is my trademark and you can’t take my brand
Retweeted by Momma ChalupaI just realized I’m probably annoying because why else would someone hate me
Retweeted by Momma ChalupaI hope this e-mail finds your well https://t.co/qfbMGbakNa
Retweeted by Momma ChalupaGood morning. Today is his last full day in office
Retweeted by Momma ChalupaMr Rogers Taylor Swift 🤝 Cardigan
Retweeted by Momma ChalupaI hate when my foot falls asleep and I have to kick a coworker in the face to wake it up.
Retweeted by Momma ChalupaYou say I'll never grow up like that's an insult.
Retweeted by Momma ChalupaExcuse me where do I check in for my existential crisis?
Retweeted by Momma ChalupaWhat type of markers do fish use? Sharkies! Ahahaha, sorry
Retweeted by Momma ChalupaTaco is short for TrulyoutrageousAmazeballsCrunchyorsoftOppulence in case you didn't know
Retweeted by Momma ChalupaDate: Are you winking or blinking? Cyclops: I do not know.
Retweeted by Momma ChalupaI hope this email finds Bigfoot
Retweeted by Momma ChalupaIf they had toddlers working security, they would have found him in 3 minutes. Bet. https://t.co/Zwd3dmL6ej
Retweeted by Momma ChalupaMy 6yo niece: Look uncle Mike! I got a new kitty! Her name is Trixie. Do you like her? Me: I sure do Peanut. But… https://t.co/CXNB8exvun
Retweeted by Momma Chalupaimagine meeting your soulmate and before every sexual encounter they said pack it up pack it in let me begin
Retweeted by Momma ChalupaDon't knock my Walmart bargain bin underwear They can get the job done just as well as those fancy ones you buy at Target
Retweeted by Momma ChalupaDo you ever forget you put on makeup and when you walk by a mirror you’re thoroughly surprised that you don’t look like a troll?I ain't afraid of no ghost. I am afraid of yes ghost. I ain't not afraid of zero ghosts. I ain't not no afraid of n… https://t.co/obVpSULdUb
Retweeted by Momma Chalupawho called it Co-sleeping and not No-sleeping?
Retweeted by Momma ChalupaBaby carrots imply the existence of carrot sex, and now I'm never looking into the crisper drawer again.
Retweeted by Momma ChalupaOne of my favorite things about being a pre-school mom is I’m occasionally gifted handmade art projects that look like a giant penis.
Retweeted by Momma Chalupayou may have skillz but i just tossed a trash bag into the dumpster and it somehow grabbed my sunglasses off my fac… https://t.co/9HmNpU4u4r
Retweeted by Momma ChalupaAh, shaving your legs in winter. Slicing off the top layer of your skin only to put them in long clothes for no one to see
Retweeted by Momma ChalupaDoomsday prepper: Be forwarned, the END is nigh!!! her: can't you just climax like a normal person?
Retweeted by Momma Chalupawaiter: can I take your order me: take it? I didn’t even get it yet
Retweeted by Momma ChalupaI woke up this morning already wearing a sensible cardigan like some kind of extra on Everybody Loves Raymond
Retweeted by Momma ChalupaBuddy: so how’d you make out on your date last night? Me: mostly with my hands and mouth
Retweeted by Momma Chalupa @writeden @kennyfckndavis https://t.co/JNeEQFXKVk6 had a little meltdown and threw her crayons whilst yelling “I’m just so frustrated!!” Girl, same. @reroutingnow Frosted mini wheats here!I enjoy Honey Bunches of Oats and the occasional Raisin Bran if anyone wants to know how old I am.. The answer is 32...I’m 32
Retweeted by Momma Chalupamy nudist neighbours are moving away and selling everything and I'm thinking the washer and dryer will be worth a look
Retweeted by Momma ChalupaIf he doesn’t pardon Joe Exotic I say impeach him a third time.
Retweeted by Momma Chalupabut like, what if there’s a parenthesis I opened but forgot to close and then everything I’ve ever written, thought… https://t.co/of3uJA0AlR
Retweeted by Momma ChalupaSTOP KILLING THESE BEAUTIFUL CREATURES TO MAKE PIANDOS https://t.co/I4xiN8Ctcu
Retweeted by Momma ChalupaWhen you grab a guy's dick for the first time and it's too small, just tell him you believe in catch-and-release an… https://t.co/UElLLD88TB
Retweeted by Momma Chalupathere’s just something about a ziplock bag of random pills that feels like home
Retweeted by Momma Chalupa