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Jared Ewy @Jaredewy Colorado, USA

comedian. @namedotcom guy. "You did OK." -Bob Newhart

1,614 Following   1,396 Followers   24,071 Tweets

Joined Twitter 4/30/09


Happy to see #TrumpIsGuilty trending. But is he a victim? https://t.co/1ZYjHdvNhF
1/23
2020
@missbikesalot Oh damn. I took prednisone and NyQuil at the same time and now I’m optimistic but confused. It’s bad… https://t.co/LtRn17xaIHGoing to hit this NyQuil so hard it’ll come back around give me a hug like some kind of warm friendly cloud who jus… https://t.co/NTUBN5p2yv @SarahEwy Oh it’s a mostly nocturnal animal that has adapted to urban areas mostly because it’s a scavenger and you… https://t.co/KI9LJSiYl5I should add in the Denver areaAnyone know anyone who has a something like a trained, domesticated raccoon that could be in a video? @KyleClark Breaking: Rockies to trade Larry Walkers legacy for raft of aging pitchers, some glove oil @athenahollow Is this a hair post? I like it. @utilitybelts https://t.co/NnINNyfp3S
1/22
2020
Apparently they’re family. The markings, yes, but mostly the disdain https://t.co/2x413mW3D7 @shayshinecastle I'm on day 4,927.5 and yeah it's nothing special.Is Donald Trump a Victim? https://t.co/YYjLrysdBw via @YouTubeBecause bad info leads to bad times, here's a new show! Are You Effing Kidding Me? Today: Is Donald Trump a Victi… https://t.co/PPmJDNqDKe @RockyMntnMike this dude's on firePlease enjoy the People's #Davos featuring @rcbregman and a firehose of hard truths for billionaires. https://t.co/X6QWB4Klak @malihoy I'm trying to bring em down but none. @malihoy First and only, I think. I'm just that guy now. That's who I am. The sick guy. Shivering like a freshly-sh… https://t.co/X61MM8XC6yA comedy about a militia that shows up to what they think is a Pro-Gun Rally. But it's actually an ambush draft. Th… https://t.co/NqiiNZJrvv
Retweeted by Jared EwyIf you haven’t been really sick and had to get three kids off to school, you’re doing something right. #vitaminCisforcondomPart of my being ill is the drama. My wife's sickness comes with silent durability. @jimbcbs4 Close rmnp down. It’s like the jersey boardwalk of nature.
1/21
2020
I guess I kind of miss the old-school clown with all the makeup and squirty flower https://t.co/yknTi0ulXo @missbikesalot Just a dick move, pippen @BethSteier @SarahEwy Endless love https://t.co/ubwyhIar8b @laura_condi @SarahEwy Look for his instant body slimming tea
1/20
2020
That Aaron Hernandez doc comes to the same conclusion of pretty much all other terribleness: Moron masculinity kills everything.I’m still married to ⁦@SarahEwy⁩ but it’s well it’s complicated https://t.co/HAisnv2tF3 @JoeMinock @ericmbudd Oh you know one of those modern day big wheel mountain bikes with the giant Michelin tiresNot much shakes my mortal coil more than seeing a movie I thought just came show up on basic cable @ericmbudd Likely a bike @nickisashkir @bigwetfish This is excellent. I need to call you and find out what’s next—and how we can assist.
1/19
2020
Really amazing to see what happens when a lot of people give a little bit to help (oh, and when a brave man shaves… https://t.co/eugsBpkt9y
Retweeted by Jared Ewy @ChiefMHyatt @wbaljfro @SpOlympicsMD @StacyLynNews @SarahEwy @ChiefMHyatt This sequel of Frozen is the best yet.The face of a dude who just wants to go to bed https://t.co/KofKzsPfyS
1/18
2020
We did it. https://t.co/vrFOgZyURk #GiveABuck https://t.co/rvusDasDbl
Retweeted by Jared Ewy @katatwell Just for finding the shoes you win. @liamoran @katatwell The trick is to proclaim your stain a fashionable logothis morning i was driving with my knee while feeding my daughter chunks of banana while she put her shirt on right… https://t.co/6yotnAjZHx
1/17
2020
@utilitybelts If he comes away craving sweet pickles lord help meFreakin traitor ⁦@utilitybelts⁩ https://t.co/5X7GvOK4BW @adam_mayer Likely getting paid by some altruistic org to care for the mentally infirmThe secret to success is marry my wife https://t.co/JFJATgES3Y
1/16
2020
@virtuallybing And sorry for sniffing your dog like that @virtuallybing I told my kids she’d get a good home @virtuallybing ARE YOU SHATTING ME?!?!? https://t.co/CVSrQNqwx6Going to the vet. Am registering some concern https://t.co/ChLkBCBcRB @allisonkayc Conservation is important @marie_willson I don’t think so... or at least she hasn’t shared with me that chapter her of her lifeI really want to roll over but I think it’s illegal https://t.co/wzXe9t4X88I just drink NyQuil in the daytime like a millionaire @denverpost @improbablekateThis guy has figured out the kitchen https://t.co/tcGMEpFozT @jeremyjojola Local man’s funeral to be held every day until he dies
1/15
2020
@GeoffreyTice Yeah I do video promos for shows just so my fail cake has frostingThat’s correct. Ten years from now. 10. https://t.co/hGxx67g5WB
Retweeted by Jared Ewy @smishychat @realDonaldTrump wtf did women ever do to deserve this? @katatwell That tree is standing tall all cool giving no effs @eatplaylove @realDonaldTrump This is the first part with more through the weak I think. https://t.co/CcphnaPSrFI’m listening to NPR‘s special on the different phases of a woman’s life and it all sounds fucking unfathomable and… https://t.co/5HPSrrbdwwVoted most likely to be poisoned like right now https://t.co/Mq0rPVbEv6This is literally a video just released by Lev Parnas’ attorney. It is basically TV ready as an ad. https://t.co/PoskMrmusA
Retweeted by Jared EwyIf Clemson wants this all they need to do is sack Joe Burrow. And whisper into his ear that this time next year he’… https://t.co/fZKJD94mHO @bulldawgmama It’s rare I look at another humans poop and am like ohhh I’ll get you something to firm that up.And now the world’s preeminent bastions of liberal arts and creative communication presents: the Tigers vs the Tigers.
1/14
2020
Who among hasn’t spent considerably more time making healthier food for their dogs instead of their children?Is that...crushed adderall? https://t.co/LDTRcFxlH3Hey, um, @James_Holzhauer that’s a goat getting cooked. Also, America, the best trash talk isn’t coming out of th… https://t.co/2XTDEfFgUWThe fake billionaire guy who has a dyed blonde combover, wears tanning makeup, has lifts in his shoes to make him 3… https://t.co/1qFu0cB0Sy
Retweeted by Jared Ewy @JJWatt What are you a traveling doctor? @teemcee @SInow @SportsCenter For a bit it was kind of cool thinking he had a beloved pet chicken. @teemcee @SInow @SportsCenter Thank you. @SInow @SportsCenter chicken? @unicorn maybe uncle gluten intolerant? @ashleykingsley He's a lady slayer and all he does is sleep. @utilitybelts ANYtime @utilitybelts I gotta get him to the vet to make sure he's all up to code. @elena_lape Heroic in all endeavors like sleeping. And well napping too. https://t.co/OYcnlFt3cAOne moment you’re wondering how to proceed but by the next you’ve discovered your calling: turning old kids pajamas… https://t.co/5xQsmF7O2C
1/13
2020
@laura_condi @HumaneBoulder We are aware of the situation and are taking the necessary measures. @mrjonliu Maybe lathe some coinsPutting the departure in bye weekThis one’s for Rahim Moore. #RavensDay 2, ⁦@HumaneBoulder⁩, and things going swimmingly. #AdoptDontShop https://t.co/rAbRh5chqQ @joncoopertweets @RDangler Is his grabbing pussy simply adjusting his tie?
1/12
2020
America’s attention problem in one screenshot https://t.co/ERXXC1e5Fw @KenJennings @James_Holzhauer What is savage?TikTok vs Twitter https://t.co/erBGaSwf5o
1/11
2020
@ashleykingsley This poor guy. He's the Brian Griese who came in after Elway. @jasonlray In Spanish it’s la verga @ashleykingsley Bogie! Regal beast. Incredible farter. https://t.co/sBg9RcyvQH @ashleykingsley She'd love toCouple of announcements. Cho Cho is tired. And why. https://t.co/ZcstK444mq @iHeartSteveB Glad you took the lead. Peart is legend.Can we start a fantasy league with Trump cabinet members and gross inaccuracies. Like this @hogangidley45 tweet wou… https://t.co/WWiuxRUlxuPerhaps more football player than cheerleader, but a mix nonetheless. @WickedSmaht #GiveABuck https://t.co/P7RnlggjnqI just donated to save a #Denver Food Bank - they are $16k away from their $800k goal. Please #GiveABuck:… https://t.co/lRGAFbl00a
Retweeted by Jared Ewy
1/10
2020
Just got a mostly anonymous donation to https://t.co/Y35HWfxMD1. Touching. #inmemoriam #GiveABuck https://t.co/mCVu7Zjt8sPeople, we're just 17.5k away. https://t.co/8MbPK2K4n7 @channel2kwgn @KenClarkTV #GiveABuck @mrjonliu @channel2kwgn That show with @KenClarkTV is awesome. I want back in, ken, I want back in!
1/9
2020

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