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Jared Ewy @Jaredewy Colorado, USA

comedian. @namedotcom guy. "You did OK." -Bob Newhart

1,661 Following   1,419 Followers   25,914 Tweets

Joined Twitter 4/30/09


@bungdan Bleak Lads Matter @Impeach_Cheeto @JasonMillerinDC @realDonaldTrump Will it cover removing your head from your ass?Yes, Boris. It’s called “Obamacare.” https://t.co/riFejN9Z4k
Retweeted by Jared Ewy @JayKacik being my first time, yes
8/8
2020
noIf everything we do causes climate change, then everything we do is an opportunity to curb it. And vote, ffs. https://t.co/jyKvKQQs9MJust walking across the street nbd https://t.co/bdKukmEgJh
8/7
2020
@GOP @realDonaldTrump Props to the person who has to find a shareable quote in there.My autofill seems to understand that time doesn't matter anymore. https://t.co/RKBmpKUXIc @MarkBuckawicki @bossy_bootz I don’t know...most dudes will lecture on anything for free @davidmweissman @waltshaub Wake up sleeple! @SethAbramson No shitI remember in 2001 my boss was peppered with calls to take me off the air because I suggested Bush could’ve done mo… https://t.co/E3gE5idlqW
8/6
2020
@Greeblehaus Was that a viagra commercial? @improbablekate Dougco is an amazing perhaps parody company for all the worst ideas. @improbablekate Oh why yes young lady we use woodland creatures for matches all of the time. @utilitybelts Now they can have that bird for brunchnot saying humans are a problem, but https://t.co/NkGzHsch7v @Krittledittle https://t.co/NpyQfmU8na @tonedeafvoice haha excellent. mine did less wellRn my 100m is only 11 seconds off the wr. https://t.co/4RNjFlVRos @Bretontheradio More like iHeartFascism @rondoyleco Pretty sure our marriage is fine @BrittMorenoTV The key is to believe you’ll never sleep again. It’s those expectations that get you.How to catch and kill fruit flies. https://t.co/zL5LJpEUKjThe lesser known 96 https://t.co/f8RoWhSzYi @raesanni Is that what’s wrong with me? @RDangler Oh ok well a drug at least @RDangler I truly hope that’s a dispensary
8/5
2020
@jgamet Oh yes a bunch of child stars all burned out and disillusioned @zachreinert0 Congrats...one hell of a week. Here’s a poem I wrote about marriage. Communicate communicate Communifuckingcate @zachreinert0 Local man feeling better again @TheDweck Likely because he shits on everythingIn a less conventional form of testing, @edyong209 puts his foot up America’s ass. The results are well worth the v… https://t.co/y5MsdSO0P9 @DenverChannel “after mistaking their SUV for a stolen motorcycle” I’m very excited to find out what @AuroraPD thi… https://t.co/VZNGEfOlvv @Joshuajered @AuroraPD maybe you shouldn’t get paid until you get something right. So yeah it’ll be tight for awhile.The internet can end now https://t.co/FR2oWLNTReThe dumbest family on tv is these umbrella academy idiots. I’m not saying the im not watching but goddamn gomer.
8/4
2020
If the Lincoln Project is right and there are still good Republicans why did they have to go back over 150 years to name one
Retweeted by Jared Ewy @Greeblehaus Gotta get this mothelfuckel out @iHeartSteveB @realDonaldTrump @JoeNBC @foxandfriends @CNN shut it snowflake what if bad ratings cause corona? @BethSteier She tore the pad on her paw while in Gould. Getting a foot injury to heal on a dog has been challenging.
8/3
2020
@davidmweissman Imagine being so freaking creepy that your own ad is used against youNot sure if you use the word brophistication. @elonmusk The other one-way would be far more popular.Proud of Bogie. I don’t think he knows why he’s there but he’s still standing in solidarity with his injured mentor… https://t.co/EqF1yzpR91I'm not saying your non-facemask-wearing troglodyte mindset is exhibit A to your ill-equipped, atrophied brain mass… https://t.co/FiouyyORBw @ProjectLincoln Jesus heroin Christ the robots are here and they will devour you one dripping syllable at a time. @Therightsucks god i have no idea. disgusting. I feel bad for the horses @unicorn ripe for thingsJust off the cuff here, seems like a more convenient location anyway. #wristrocket #sundial Man who lost penis to… https://t.co/mVektFT0vT @AmberD1116 Clearly superior @ASlavitt Now calm down Andy because of their unbending ignorance we all get to gamble (em)with our lives(em/) with… https://t.co/LefKGP0JQB @laura_condi i'm watching this zac efron thing on netlfix and he's cute but one of the least interesting dudes on the tv.These days I’ll take my heartwarming green energy stories where I can get them What the heroin industry can teach… https://t.co/j5bSaukbfc @petersagal Palm Springs
8/2
2020
@improbablekate @TheBloggess @NowhereBookshop It really helps redeem the 180 or so hickies @TheBloggess @NowhereBookshop You can wear them too https://t.co/cvu8xXfwAS https://t.co/U5ObHkuaMwI’d been wondering what America looks like from a distance https://t.co/5BiO6d3ciu @joshgondelman The NPR goon is one not to be trifled with @JenDSchneider They’re gonna drop the Bass? @thepointsguy Sweet weeping Jesus who is getting on a bobbing petri dish rn?Opinion | Alexander Vindman: Coming forward ended my career. I still believe doing what’s right matters. - The Wash… https://t.co/VGvm5OhGkl @susanorlean https://t.co/VOpv4Upb40Um... https://t.co/CePRrAQNxC
8/1
2020
Fuck 👏 https://t.co/Zlt1sGQHoY @realDonaldTrump Yeah that’s what the dr ordered🤦 https://t.co/JWZsiq1maf
Retweeted by Jared Ewy @bwest God we’re on the precipice of an unimaginable shitstormOn the road. Celebrating tech’s true heroes. https://t.co/5xZFz0D9RH @JesseDamiani @traceygaughran Go green, America. Go green. @sacca Ooze into a situation. Omg jared kushed all over the block until the orphanage had no choice but to close. @ericmbudd I mean I’m no scientist but I don’t think that vacuums gonna be able to do all thatMaybe not shocking, but both @AlanDersh and @realDonaldTrump have been identified as partaking in the Epstein abuse… https://t.co/M7V24gTZmxRepeating myself, but what a fine time to do a former pres psa about holding our shit together, voting or exercisin… https://t.co/BmKxX6tS1T
7/31
2020
@ediedbdbd @realDonaldTrump He knows we all know he's shitty so there's no pretense anymore. It's disgusting, but saves time and energy.You wanna help the USPS and do something for people who could really use some contact? Write letters to people in e… https://t.co/CFLrvCPd3WJust another lost soul googling Obama Eulogy. https://t.co/3KVTGra6ir @daisycakes I'm happy to filter for you only the most graceful of his correspondence.Couple of programming notes @realDonaldTrump: 1. In the future, maybe reconsider how and where you end your first… https://t.co/jCzAJCyNUE @bwest Whenever I get a loan my stock goes down. @Therightsucks @ProjectLincoln I’m in. #WeWillVote @VicVela1 @nick__puckett @DavidGilbertCCM SNIFFING ANIMALS IS HOW THE COVID GOT STARTEDSweet moist moses on a mountaintop. There are dog whistles and then there are giant, bellowing elephant farts. With… https://t.co/PSX1Nur5dH
7/30
2020
Thank goodness we have all these right wing people who won't stand for even the slightest whiff of authoritarianism. https://t.co/YdTHzdqM3W
7/29
2020
For those of you keeping score, our president pretended to have been invited to throw out the first pitch to a Yank… https://t.co/9WqInMdCRI
7/28
2020
@elonmusk the right seems to have moved it.At “https://t.co/UNCVfayHRs, find out instantly if your voter registration’s current. If not, follow the instructio… https://t.co/mYvi1eoqRn
Retweeted by Jared Ewy
7/27
2020
I think this writing warm up should help. https://t.co/LUzZzFthvx https://t.co/ODgZPUj7Cg @jeremyjojola Oh wow I worked mornings on big dog 96.9 at about that same time. Used to have Scott michlin on for news updates.
7/26
2020
@ToriMasonTV Pretty sure that’s the Deluxe Dad at Spirit Halloween. @ProjectLincoln Do you guys do parties? @laura_condi Actually, it's less fancy. Although still more sophisticated than witless shitgibbon.When the internet soars https://t.co/NG7HbcjDtsAnyone using the phrase maganitive decline? @DukeNolan My mom made me that sweater. @ChuckGrassley @realDonaldTrump Local man cements legacyhere are some political rules https://t.co/mLP4Yp3D4l @washingtonpost Wow right on time guys!America has become the Florida of the world.
Retweeted by Jared Ewy
7/24
2020

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