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Jared Ewy @Jaredewy Colorado, USA

comedian. @namedotcom guy. "You did OK." -Bob Newhart

1,614 Following   1,396 Followers   24,071 Tweets

Joined Twitter 4/30/09

Happy to see #TrumpIsGuilty trending. But is he a victim?
@missbikesalot Oh damn. I took prednisone and NyQuil at the same time and now I’m optimistic but confused. It’s bad… to hit this NyQuil so hard it’ll come back around give me a hug like some kind of warm friendly cloud who jus… @SarahEwy Oh it’s a mostly nocturnal animal that has adapted to urban areas mostly because it’s a scavenger and you… should add in the Denver areaAnyone know anyone who has a something like a trained, domesticated raccoon that could be in a video? @KyleClark Breaking: Rockies to trade Larry Walkers legacy for raft of aging pitchers, some glove oil @athenahollow Is this a hair post? I like it. @utilitybelts
Apparently they’re family. The markings, yes, but mostly the disdain @shayshinecastle I'm on day 4,927.5 and yeah it's nothing special.Is Donald Trump a Victim? via @YouTubeBecause bad info leads to bad times, here's a new show! Are You Effing Kidding Me? Today: Is Donald Trump a Victi… @RockyMntnMike this dude's on firePlease enjoy the People's #Davos featuring @rcbregman and a firehose of hard truths for billionaires. @malihoy I'm trying to bring em down but none. @malihoy First and only, I think. I'm just that guy now. That's who I am. The sick guy. Shivering like a freshly-sh… comedy about a militia that shows up to what they think is a Pro-Gun Rally. But it's actually an ambush draft. Th…
Retweeted by Jared EwyIf you haven’t been really sick and had to get three kids off to school, you’re doing something right. #vitaminCisforcondomPart of my being ill is the drama. My wife's sickness comes with silent durability. @jimbcbs4 Close rmnp down. It’s like the jersey boardwalk of nature.
I guess I kind of miss the old-school clown with all the makeup and squirty flower @missbikesalot Just a dick move, pippen @BethSteier @SarahEwy Endless love @laura_condi @SarahEwy Look for his instant body slimming tea
That Aaron Hernandez doc comes to the same conclusion of pretty much all other terribleness: Moron masculinity kills everything.I’m still married to ⁦@SarahEwy⁩ but it’s well it’s complicated @JoeMinock @ericmbudd Oh you know one of those modern day big wheel mountain bikes with the giant Michelin tiresNot much shakes my mortal coil more than seeing a movie I thought just came show up on basic cable @ericmbudd Likely a bike @nickisashkir @bigwetfish This is excellent. I need to call you and find out what’s next—and how we can assist.
Really amazing to see what happens when a lot of people give a little bit to help (oh, and when a brave man shaves…
Retweeted by Jared Ewy @ChiefMHyatt @wbaljfro @SpOlympicsMD @StacyLynNews @SarahEwy @ChiefMHyatt This sequel of Frozen is the best yet.The face of a dude who just wants to go to bed
We did it. #GiveABuck
Retweeted by Jared Ewy @katatwell Just for finding the shoes you win. @liamoran @katatwell The trick is to proclaim your stain a fashionable logothis morning i was driving with my knee while feeding my daughter chunks of banana while she put her shirt on right…
@utilitybelts If he comes away craving sweet pickles lord help meFreakin traitor ⁦@utilitybelts⁩ @adam_mayer Likely getting paid by some altruistic org to care for the mentally infirmThe secret to success is marry my wife
@virtuallybing And sorry for sniffing your dog like that @virtuallybing I told my kids she’d get a good home @virtuallybing ARE YOU SHATTING ME?!?!? to the vet. Am registering some concern @allisonkayc Conservation is important @marie_willson I don’t think so... or at least she hasn’t shared with me that chapter her of her lifeI really want to roll over but I think it’s illegal just drink NyQuil in the daytime like a millionaire @denverpost @improbablekateThis guy has figured out the kitchen @jeremyjojola Local man’s funeral to be held every day until he dies
@GeoffreyTice Yeah I do video promos for shows just so my fail cake has frostingThat’s correct. Ten years from now. 10.
Retweeted by Jared Ewy @smishychat @realDonaldTrump wtf did women ever do to deserve this? @katatwell That tree is standing tall all cool giving no effs @eatplaylove @realDonaldTrump This is the first part with more through the weak I think.’m listening to NPR‘s special on the different phases of a woman’s life and it all sounds fucking unfathomable and… most likely to be poisoned like right now is literally a video just released by Lev Parnas’ attorney. It is basically TV ready as an ad.
Retweeted by Jared EwyIf Clemson wants this all they need to do is sack Joe Burrow. And whisper into his ear that this time next year he’… @bulldawgmama It’s rare I look at another humans poop and am like ohhh I’ll get you something to firm that up.And now the world’s preeminent bastions of liberal arts and creative communication presents: the Tigers vs the Tigers.
Who among hasn’t spent considerably more time making healthier food for their dogs instead of their children?Is that...crushed adderall?, um, @James_Holzhauer that’s a goat getting cooked. Also, America, the best trash talk isn’t coming out of th… fake billionaire guy who has a dyed blonde combover, wears tanning makeup, has lifts in his shoes to make him 3…
Retweeted by Jared Ewy @JJWatt What are you a traveling doctor? @teemcee @SInow @SportsCenter For a bit it was kind of cool thinking he had a beloved pet chicken. @teemcee @SInow @SportsCenter Thank you. @SInow @SportsCenter chicken? @unicorn maybe uncle gluten intolerant? @ashleykingsley He's a lady slayer and all he does is sleep. @utilitybelts ANYtime @utilitybelts I gotta get him to the vet to make sure he's all up to code. @elena_lape Heroic in all endeavors like sleeping. And well napping too. moment you’re wondering how to proceed but by the next you’ve discovered your calling: turning old kids pajamas…
@laura_condi @HumaneBoulder We are aware of the situation and are taking the necessary measures. @mrjonliu Maybe lathe some coinsPutting the departure in bye weekThis one’s for Rahim Moore. #RavensDay 2, ⁦@HumaneBoulder⁩, and things going swimmingly. #AdoptDontShop @joncoopertweets @RDangler Is his grabbing pussy simply adjusting his tie?
America’s attention problem in one screenshot @KenJennings @James_Holzhauer What is savage?TikTok vs Twitter
@ashleykingsley This poor guy. He's the Brian Griese who came in after Elway. @jasonlray In Spanish it’s la verga @ashleykingsley Bogie! Regal beast. Incredible farter. @ashleykingsley She'd love toCouple of announcements. Cho Cho is tired. And why. @iHeartSteveB Glad you took the lead. Peart is legend.Can we start a fantasy league with Trump cabinet members and gross inaccuracies. Like this @hogangidley45 tweet wou… more football player than cheerleader, but a mix nonetheless. @WickedSmaht #GiveABuck just donated to save a #Denver Food Bank - they are $16k away from their $800k goal. Please #GiveABuck:…
Retweeted by Jared Ewy
Just got a mostly anonymous donation to Touching. #inmemoriam #GiveABuck, we're just 17.5k away. @channel2kwgn @KenClarkTV #GiveABuck @mrjonliu @channel2kwgn That show with @KenClarkTV is awesome. I want back in, ken, I want back in!