Sign in with Twitter


first time dad, long time dumbass✨big fan of basketball and mental health. please laugh at my jokes! (DMs open on the alt @jazz_onmycouch)

572 Following   136,355 Followers   13,831 Tweets

Joined Twitter 7/20/18

@Loralray @jbfan911 omg yes @TweetPotato314 611 operator: what the hell are you doing at my desk @DrakeGatsby [lying] yeah haha of course @DrakeGatsby congratulations jon you just made me listen to Yakety Sax for the first time @Keefler_Elf yes you would. @TweetPotato314 if my opponent doesn’t sing along when it gets to “Everywhere you look” I’m canceling the fight @joeemacc [gets punched in the face 3 seconds in] well uh you done done me and you bet i felt itif you were a professional boxer what song would you choose for your entrance? mine is Bubbly by Colbie Caillat @jbfan911 i was just kidding 😄😄 @jbfan911 wait she follows me @jbfan911 ur mom @MNateShyamalan @rudy_betrayed BWAHAHAHAHAA @Flora__Flora i missed your birthday yesterday wtf happy birthday good job being alive we appreciate you doing that @desukidesu WOW @desukidesu hey suki unrelated i think spuki is a great halloween name but you also could’ve done Suki Monster just something to think about @JohnnyBerchtold haven’t opened the video yet just wanna say your hair looks great @verytiredkat This is the onefuck Bed, marry Bath, kill Beyond
@jbfan911 this whole conversation has been painfully boring let’s take a break and come back refreshed @jbfan911 omg this is so unlike you @jbfan911 ok well I’m not @jbfan911 why would i be mad at you @pant_leg my own amazon prime/netflix account, full membership at a spa, a car with bluetooth capability, season ti… 16 year old british kid is gonna reply something like “if americans love coffee so much then why don’t they ha… @FrazzleMyGimp I don’t understand this but I love you a lot and I’m sure it’s funny @randypaint god forbid i should enjoy my ice cream AND be left feeling cool and refreshed wow please forgive me @stuartfiddle happy birthday samm! ty for existing :)if british people love tea so much then why is it silent in the word british
@KylePlantEmoji I’m stepping out to get a pack of cigarettes kyle you stay right there @KylePlantEmoji i have a literal infant and i find talking to you more exhausting ❤️ @KylePlantEmoji babies don’t chew ........i wrote a whole scene where the baby grows up never learning the difference and it leads to some humorous miscommun… wow an airplane in the sky! baby: *not looking* yea mom it’s called the little dipper. i thought u were smartmost babies learn to eat before they ever learn what an airplane is so they probably think the word airplane means… @ValterSkarsgar sorry I’m late I was thinking about all the ways in which i appreciate your existence and friendship
@ValterSkarsgar happy birthday handsome I love youone thing I’ll do with my kid is pick him up so he’s flying (like superman) and then i blow on his face to simulate…
@KylePlantEmoji to think that the offensive part of this tweet was the decaf coffee and not god existing I’m just baffled @jazz_onmycouch @faunabeauty i wish you nothing but the best and i hope your mental health gets better every day but as a survivor… you get insulted by an opinion that i tweet, please stop for a moment and remind yourself that my name is ja… me decaf coffee the way my existence serves no purposegetting cancelled over hating decaf coffee is not how i thought it would end but i am happy to die on this hill. or… @kashiifoto @faunabeauty @yashar no u love coffee and u settle for decaf @faunabeauty @yashar nobody loves decaf coffee i'm sorry you had to find out this waygod: hey angel angel: oh hey god god: did you give the humans less baby cows like i asked angel: i thought you s… @okiecorri have hot chocolate in a starbucks cup i did it for yearsif god is real explain decaf coffee @MediumWilly happy birthday king !he missed his chance to turn the other cheek lmfao @SpookiiNate father Pringle you seem a little salty can i get you some vinegar? 😭😭😭some personal news @ValterSkarsgar @jbfan911 look how proud and cocky I was too lmao what a fucking dumbass @KylePlantEmoji cosigned.guys look on the bright side at least we all die in the endall Biden needs to say is “Donald? more like Don’tnald!” and this election would be over @timelesssports_ I know he’s not the best ever I would just like to mention the name Peja Stojakovic
@jbfan911 fuck @jbfan911 you were 15... @yerrdamean that’s the @jbfan911 experience™️she wasted her best tweet on nobody @jbfan911 professional hot person !!! @_gmindanao @KylePlantEmoji could not have said it better myself @KylePlantEmoji no it’s nothing personal i just didn’t think you were smart @KylePlantEmoji dammit this was a trap @KylePlantEmoji *gesturing at your entire account* this you ?what if twitter showed when you were typing and everyone was able to see u spend 12 minutes on a 3 word replyitalian flowers be like bada bing bada bloom
@FrTomPringle also no ones threatening to kill you they’re just asking that u let them live ?? @FrTomPringle THERES NO WAY YOUR REAL LAST NAME IS PRINGLE THERES NO WAY @Marife581 see this is my problem @Marife581 LobotoUs ❤️my (26M) dumbass brain (12M) won't let me function. what do i do? @Keefler_Elf take as much time as you need ♥️ @Skoog who do you think Geri used to play chess with @goodbeanaltalt do we love to see it @Flora__Flora can't wait to see what the guys from Nickelback have to say 😂😂😂 @Skoog if any old guy from a pixar short deserved their own film it should’ve been this guy 😔 @TweetPotato314 If you told me this is what they had on the white board in writer’s room i would absolutely believe you @ArfMeasures I wish I could agree with you but I simply do not remember any of it @badboychadhoy your intellectual honesty and courage is what I respect so much about you ❤️ @badboychadhoy I can’t tell if you’re very offended by this or you’re just high and agreeing with me @LlamaInaTux ok cool me too @fairygoombella Interesting perspective but for me this would’ve been true about finding nemo after the opening sha… you guys think part of why people obsess over the first 10 minutes of Up is because the rest of the movie was extremely forgettable? @TakeForGrantd :) @TweetPotato314 one day you’re gonna need his help upgrading your virtual pacemaker and he’s gonna remember this tw…
@MNateShyamalan @hog_mild @MNateShyamalan this just won the internet for today 🤣 @jasminericegirl I got as far as “despite my tall dashing looks and exquisite physique” and i threw up everywhere please let me go @jasminericegirl not reading all that I’m happy for you or sorry that happened ❤️ @jasminericegirl nratihfyosth ❤️ @ihatethiskid’t get mad at me for putting him in hell I’m not godsatan: cake time! make a wish me: i want to see my family satan: *puts his fingers on my lips* shhh me: oh am i…[10 months later] me: *eyes closed* where are we going satan: [opening the cafeteria door] you’ll see :) no peak… good morning sleepyhead me: *looking around* satan: what's wrong me: i just. i thought there would be mo… 5'9 is not THAT short god: what is he talking about. what happened to the metric system did you forget to teac…[heaven] god: again?? jesus: i'm sorry i was trying to help god: who's your little friend me: oh haha heyy i'm… THERE'S A TRUCK jesus: the hell is a tr-