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eli 👖🎷👖 @jazz_inmypants greatest hits 👉

first time dad, long time dumbass. (for extra useless content follow @jazz_onmycouch)

549 Following   129,560 Followers   11,974 Tweets

Joined Twitter 7/20/18

@nicothe420th @Skoog @KylePlantEmoji hey skoog can u hold my beer @Skoog @KylePlantEmoji HE SAID KIND OF LMAO @jbfan911 @jbfan911 The tweet is literally still up @FireBeets She just sent it to me with no credit to you finding it smh @roxiqt @jbfan911 @TacoFelines Well after her last reply neither do i.. @jbfan911 @TacoFelines Apparently I wasn’t “picking up hints” lol i hate me too :) @Suurrahhh this is the dream!!! @rudy_betrayed you can’t take money with you when you’re dead. but friendship? friendship you also can’t take with… @rudy_betrayed tell person A that person B said something nice about them and person A will be like what they reall… really nice work on that presentation. i’m impressed. ME (bad at taking compliments): shut the fuck up
Retweeted by eli 👖🎷👖Librarian: I’m going to ask you one more time to please keep your voice down Me: THERES A BULLET IN MY LEG Librar…
Retweeted by eli 👖🎷👖 @jojoboulder a more iconic duo @FeelingEuphoric gimme a N!!! gimme a O!!! gimme a T!! gimme some motherf*cking prozac and a lil bitta weed! @Jamberee13 happy to have you on board @kt_tetreault :( you ok? @undercoverloon1 jk extremely Not lmao like not at all @undercoverloon1 it’s impossible to know6:30 eastern time is the schrödinger of hours. If you’re up right now you’re either very functional or very very Not. @jbfan911 I’d rather wipe my ass with toilet paper cakeenough is enough I’m going to ask you one more time to please keep your voice down Me: THERES A BULLET IN MY LEG Librar…
@friendoftoads Sam stop I’m too stupid for these games @friendoftoads You’re from Vermont you don’t have a Benedict Cumberbone in your body @friendoftoads BULLSHITthinking about him. i had a nickel for every time they made a new spongebob meme, i'd have a nickelodeon @matchu_chutrain this you ? @rudy_betrayed did you break a barbie for this tweet or did you google broken barbie either way it’s fun for me to think about @brittany_broski Adult Brittany gotta go back in time and tell Young Brittany we get hot girl hang in there @brittany_broski @brittany_broski BRITTANY DONT MOVE IM FINDING A PICTURE YOURE GONNA KILL ME @2Saddington twitter cropped it like the poop emoji lmfao @jbfan911 Bitch @jbfan911 I ain’t never gonna stop loving you @jbfan911 Bitch @jbfan911 I love you @jbfan911 Nice! @jbfan911 literally us right now @nicothe420th I plan to live vicariously thru your future success no pressure ✨me: i wanna be a writer :) people who hire writers: ok have you written anything? me: i don’t see how that’s relevant @bigshalomie :’) @jordylancaster take your time ❤️
@calebsaysthings @JohnnyBerchtold @LiamWBZ @niccolethurman @NickStopTalking @alyssalimp @jazz_onmycouch @eccentric_wlrs Hopefully I’ll be DeadI’d like to apologize to my mother for the existence of this tweet. And also jesus. Just in case.[giving my son The Talk] ok so there’s this bird right. and he wants to fuck a bee. now imagine this bee had a vag… @onlineryn @KylePlantEmoji this was made for you on every level @carterhambley THE NOISE IT MADE @Shenanigans_luv @2Saddington @thombodytolove ty god bless @2Saddington @thombodytolove Can someone drop the breathe in Hayley pic @thombodytolove i look forward to you taking on the dragonfruit and other stupidly named exotic fuckers ❤️ @thombodytolove your fruit content is one of the weirdest brands I’ve ever seen take off @rudy_betrayed 🥰 @espn There’s a miracle on ice @undercoverloon1 honestly if he doesn’t like pizza I’m not the father @socks4bees maybe a beer with the boys @TheAugoosetus he gets to discover pizza for the first time I’m emotional just thinking about it @coollady42 12am to 9am 😬 please don’t arrest mesammy slept through the night for the first time and i want to do some positive reinforcement. do u think he likes pizza @FrazzleMyGimp oh sweet so no hell at all @FrazzleMyGimp You might be the first person to go to hell for the character you play in ur tweets @BoyYeetsWorld an idiot sandwich @BeansHype so true 💯 @netw3rk [Tuesday] Chef: here you go Mr. James Lebron: the fuck is this? Chef: it’s— Lebron: *holding dish* doe… @pant_leg turtle no oh my god turtle turn around 🐢 🗡🐇 @pant_leg 🐇 on your mark
@JohnnyBerchtold @brittany_broski My brain is going crazy rn it actually works so well @LiamWBZ @brittany_broski @JohnnyBerchtold call all your TV friends tell them there are some new kids on the block @abbygov exactly! you say I’m a virgin I say I’m an activist ✨ @pantsmyin_jazz this is a fun one @2Saddington Don’t blame the stars for my self sabotaging fear of rejection @jasminericegirl sure but no worries if not! @nicothe420th nico what did we say about reading tweets with the f wordgirl: do u wanna fuck me: [wants to fuck] I’m fine either way! @jasminericegirl I have stared at this reply for 2 minutes @jasminericegirl god i wish @jasminericegirl omg are you pregnant @jasminericegirl SHIT @jasminericegirl wait am I jazz @jasminericegirl when’s the last time jazz sucked a dick @jasminericegirl I’m not saying I don’t trust you but there’s no chance I’m playing whatever this is within a mile of the office @piscescinema this better not be sarcastic chloe I’m extremely fragile @piscescinema @ValterSkarsgar Believe me Valter has no issue if you’re gay. He won’t be your friend because he’s an asshole @piscescinema @ValterSkarsgar no it’s fine I get it @piscescinema @ValterSkarsgar wow ok u know what @ValterSkarsgar I give and I give and for what @ValterSkarsgar @jazz_onmycouch I SAID I’LL BE CHLOE’S FRIENDher: what are u thinking about me: Ash Ketchum’s last name is clearly a play on the words “gotta catch em all” whi… so my follower bass doesn’t like music jokes... Noted 👍 @toefurchris1 we’ve had a good week chris I won’t lie @_jazzghost_ LMAO (you are)yall get so mad at puns relax u don’t needa have a tenor tantrum 🤣🤣🤣 @rudy_betrayed this is the nicest thing you’ve ever said to me :’)baritones are low key good at singing @alyssa_schoener oh my god those 3 words together are awful @alyssa_schoener is that not what exclusive means lmao