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first time dad, long time dumbass✨big fan of basketball and mental health. please laugh at my jokes! (DMs open on the alt @jazz_onmycouch)

572 Following   136,355 Followers   13,831 Tweets

Joined Twitter 7/20/18


@Loralray @jbfan911 omg yes @TweetPotato314 611 operator: what the hell are you doing at my desk @DrakeGatsby [lying] yeah haha of course @DrakeGatsby congratulations jon you just made me listen to Yakety Sax for the first time @Keefler_Elf yes you would. @TweetPotato314 if my opponent doesn’t sing along when it gets to “Everywhere you look” I’m canceling the fight @joeemacc [gets punched in the face 3 seconds in] well uh you done done me and you bet i felt itif you were a professional boxer what song would you choose for your entrance? mine is Bubbly by Colbie Caillat @jbfan911 i was just kidding 😄😄 @jbfan911 wait she follows me @jbfan911 ur mom @MNateShyamalan @rudy_betrayed BWAHAHAHAHAA @Flora__Flora i missed your birthday yesterday wtf happy birthday good job being alive we appreciate you doing that @desukidesu WOW @desukidesu hey suki unrelated i think spuki is a great halloween name but you also could’ve done Suki Monster just something to think about @JohnnyBerchtold haven’t opened the video yet just wanna say your hair looks great @verytiredkat This is the onefuck Bed, marry Bath, kill Beyond https://t.co/vlDcCQ4Td6
10/29
2020
@jbfan911 this whole conversation has been painfully boring let’s take a break and come back refreshed @jbfan911 omg this is so unlike you @jbfan911 ok well I’m not @jbfan911 why would i be mad at you @pant_leg my own amazon prime/netflix account, full membership at a spa, a car with bluetooth capability, season ti… https://t.co/jo2C25Wx2Usome 16 year old british kid is gonna reply something like “if americans love coffee so much then why don’t they ha… https://t.co/vTDMjLwYkI @FrazzleMyGimp I don’t understand this but I love you a lot and I’m sure it’s funny @randypaint god forbid i should enjoy my ice cream AND be left feeling cool and refreshed wow please forgive me @stuartfiddle happy birthday samm! ty for existing :)if british people love tea so much then why is it silent in the word british
10/28
2020
@KylePlantEmoji I’m stepping out to get a pack of cigarettes kyle you stay right there @KylePlantEmoji i have a literal infant and i find talking to you more exhausting ❤️ @KylePlantEmoji babies don’t chew ........i wrote a whole scene where the baby grows up never learning the difference and it leads to some humorous miscommun… https://t.co/ncAkj4ryTomother: wow an airplane in the sky! baby: *not looking* yea mom it’s called the little dipper. i thought u were smartmost babies learn to eat before they ever learn what an airplane is so they probably think the word airplane means… https://t.co/qOWmERBjtc @ValterSkarsgar sorry I’m late I was thinking about all the ways in which i appreciate your existence and friendship
10/25
2020
@ValterSkarsgar happy birthday handsome I love youone thing I’ll do with my kid is pick him up so he’s flying (like superman) and then i blow on his face to simulate… https://t.co/5v96STPj5p
10/24
2020
@KylePlantEmoji to think that the offensive part of this tweet was the decaf coffee and not god existing I’m just baffled @jazz_onmycouch https://t.co/7MUOxNigh7 @faunabeauty i wish you nothing but the best and i hope your mental health gets better every day but as a survivor… https://t.co/tytGuXeF6Obefore you get insulted by an opinion that i tweet, please stop for a moment and remind yourself that my name is ja… https://t.co/hLmZIg2xeCcall me decaf coffee the way my existence serves no purposegetting cancelled over hating decaf coffee is not how i thought it would end but i am happy to die on this hill. or… https://t.co/YflmwmyvES @kashiifoto @faunabeauty @yashar no u love coffee and u settle for decaf @faunabeauty @yashar nobody loves decaf coffee i'm sorry you had to find out this waygod: hey angel angel: oh hey god god: did you give the humans less baby cows like i asked angel: i thought you s… https://t.co/69p9K7mBE8 @okiecorri have hot chocolate in a starbucks cup i did it for yearsif god is real explain decaf coffee @MediumWilly happy birthday king !he missed his chance to turn the other cheek lmfao @SpookiiNate father Pringle you seem a little salty can i get you some vinegar? 😭😭😭some personal news https://t.co/gWurp0ZOBx @ValterSkarsgar @jbfan911 look how proud and cocky I was too lmao what a fucking dumbass https://t.co/JC42Fme6Bq @KylePlantEmoji cosigned.guys look on the bright side at least we all die in the endall Biden needs to say is “Donald? more like Don’tnald!” and this election would be over @timelesssports_ I know he’s not the best ever I would just like to mention the name Peja Stojakovic
10/23
2020
@jbfan911 fuck @jbfan911 you were 15... @yerrdamean that’s the @jbfan911 experience™️she wasted her best tweet on nobody https://t.co/4NqaWGv5ko @jbfan911 professional hot person !!! @_gmindanao @KylePlantEmoji could not have said it better myself @KylePlantEmoji no it’s nothing personal i just didn’t think you were smart @KylePlantEmoji dammit this was a trap @KylePlantEmoji *gesturing at your entire account* this you ?what if twitter showed when you were typing and everyone was able to see u spend 12 minutes on a 3 word replyitalian flowers be like bada bing bada bloom
10/22
2020
@FrTomPringle also no ones threatening to kill you they’re just asking that u let them live ?? @FrTomPringle THERES NO WAY YOUR REAL LAST NAME IS PRINGLE THERES NO WAY @Marife581 see this is my problem @Marife581 LobotoUs ❤️my (26M) dumbass brain (12M) won't let me function. what do i do? @Keefler_Elf take as much time as you need ♥️ @Skoog who do you think Geri used to play chess with @goodbeanaltalt do we love to see it @Flora__Flora can't wait to see what the guys from Nickelback have to say 😂😂😂 @Skoog if any old guy from a pixar short deserved their own film it should’ve been this guy 😔 https://t.co/s71ecgAWh4 @TweetPotato314 If you told me this is what they had on the white board in writer’s room i would absolutely believe you @ArfMeasures I wish I could agree with you but I simply do not remember any of it @badboychadhoy your intellectual honesty and courage is what I respect so much about you ❤️ @badboychadhoy I can’t tell if you’re very offended by this or you’re just high and agreeing with me @LlamaInaTux ok cool me too @fairygoombella Interesting perspective but for me this would’ve been true about finding nemo after the opening sha… https://t.co/SkpDDkd85Tdo you guys think part of why people obsess over the first 10 minutes of Up is because the rest of the movie was extremely forgettable? @TakeForGrantd :) https://t.co/qDfpLCTzKb @TweetPotato314 one day you’re gonna need his help upgrading your virtual pacemaker and he’s gonna remember this tw… https://t.co/3uYq9fksA5
10/21
2020
@MNateShyamalan @hog_mild https://t.co/q3xv7AwGg6 @MNateShyamalan this just won the internet for today 🤣 @jasminericegirl I got as far as “despite my tall dashing looks and exquisite physique” and i threw up everywhere please let me go @jasminericegirl not reading all that I’m happy for you or sorry that happened ❤️ @jasminericegirl nratihfyosth ❤️ @ihatethiskid https://t.co/oFTV2rnVUsdon’t get mad at me for putting him in hell I’m not godsatan: cake time! make a wish me: i want to see my family satan: *puts his fingers on my lips* shhh me: oh am i… https://t.co/GCDcRdCVmF[10 months later] me: *eyes closed* where are we going satan: [opening the cafeteria door] you’ll see :) no peak… https://t.co/Gk0ro0Ujnssatan: good morning sleepyhead me: *looking around* satan: what's wrong me: i just. i thought there would be mo… https://t.co/N53mK7GCShme: 5'9 is not THAT short god: what is he talking about. what happened to the metric system did you forget to teac… https://t.co/UYtwHSpUf6[heaven] god: again?? jesus: i'm sorry i was trying to help god: who's your little friend me: oh haha heyy i'm… https://t.co/yFOxrOdFrrme: THERE'S A TRUCK jesus: the hell is a tr-
10/20
2020

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