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jen merritt!!! @jennifermerr LA | venmo: jennifermerr

ex-pre-med, pre-comedic writer, ongoing disappointment | copywriter | if u let me write for ur tv show i’ll kiss u |

1,052 Following   78,273 Followers   15,498 Tweets

Joined Twitter 1/21/12

you need a job for each of the 50 stars if you even want to glance at a slice of avocado toast btwnot many know this but the 13 stripes on the american flag symbolize the number of jobs you need to have in order t…
every time i eat cheese i break out and yet here i am, eating cheesebabe are u ok you’re barely harmonizing in the sea shanty @mattyboii44 i don’t think i stopped crying at any point during the finale @Davisindisguise happy tears @NoremacCinafets 100% samei want you all to know i watched the entirety of the good place this past week and it has absolutely destroyed me e…
thinking abt how lucky my ex’s new gfs are. they have endless content to scroll through that totally solidifies the… @man_repellant dude same. i feel like everyone else is more excited than normal to go do things and i want to cry e… @incognith0 i was talking about that with a friend lately! like even with vaccines i feel like it’ll take me months… @strictfp1 yeah i’ll be honest idk if i see american handling this well if at allok i’ll be honest: i am not looking forward to going back to the office, going out to bars, attending concerts, sit… @dovenymph not to be presumptive but ur kids are gonna be hot
gently rubbing my cat’s chin and telling her “i am so jealous that you have no idea how the world is going to shit right now”
meeting my new therapist for the first time and the door opens and i cheerfully say hello! only for my therapist to…
@thebiggestyee ok not in chicago but i love this where did you get itdoes anyone have personal recommendations on a pots and pans set from amazon that won’t give me chemical poisoningfirst name string of random numbers default avi accounts tweeting “goodbye twitter” to their three bot followers to own the libsthe presidential term: ends in 12 days twitter: we know it’s been four years but we finally decided to suspend tru… was gonna tell me about the typoi’m socially stunted because i was never cool enough to break my arm and have sll my classmates sign it when i was…
my fav part of being a girl is when my period is arriving and i wake up in a literal rage for zero reason other than Being Alivewhittle baby west wingers got the grumpy wumpies because their actions have consequences boo hoo :((
people who say “buh bye!” at the end of phone calls? i love youre: the protestor that died — we’re all on the same page that being a vet doesn’t automatically make you a good per… so back to that kanye west and jeffree star thing... what @FeelingEuphoric god your dog is so pretty @Not_Meis dying in the ocean doesn’t even seem like the worst thing in the worldhonestly? i’m starting to understand why people who hated their countries hundreds of years ago would just hop on a… my migraine from the stress of our crumbling democracy or is it from staring at a screen all day while reading a… @dailybruin my thoughts are that it was badjanuary 2021 capitol building has the same energy as january 2020 ww3 @skenzieeee @kait_hazelett oh girl @strictfp1 i’m not surprised in that i thought he’d denounce white supremacy, i’m surprised he ended the video the…“how are you still surprised!!” “can we drop the surprised act??” i’m not surprised you callous fucks, i’m confused…
tangentially related i picked an awful time to make “stop smoking weed” a new years resolution @nathanallebach i hate that you’re right @DrewMackin10 i thought nothing could surprise me but the “ily <3” really got me i’ll admiti feel like maybe bosses should give u the day off when there’s a coup but that’s just me i guess @DanamahaR big “pinch me i’m having a nightmare” moment @avantnard there’s nothing they can say do or write that will be a better parody than this country already is of itselfthis will never not be relevantoh, the writers at snl are losing their MINDS right now
Retweeted by jen merritt!!!did...did donald trump just tell a bunch of domestic terrorists “i love you” via a twitter video ? like that just happened rightnon-americans, and i ask this genuinely, what goes through your mind when stuff like this is happening?somewhere, right now, there’s a white woman drafting a tweet about how rbg is in heaven crying“maybe if we break into the capitol building they’ll reconsider the positives of racism” is a hell of a political hill to die onall being american has taught me is that patriotism is a fucking diseaseme: i am a strong, powerful individual with the ability to accomplish anything also me: if i forget to take any on… that i genuinely expected 2021 to be less crazy than 2020 but whew boy we are only six days into 2021 and this… @tswiftxcx i wish i was my neighbory’ neighbor’s curtains were open and i saw a lighting/soft box set up so i was like oh neat let’s casually…’m turning this account back into my diary i hope that’s okdeep sigh realizing all of the things i used to do that empowered me and how i don’t do them anymore and how all of…
i’ll let y’all chooseevery day i face a single decision: cry or go for walk (while crying)sometimes i get nervous and google “betty white” and then breathe a sigh of relief when i see she’s still alive.
i washed no less than 200 aphids from some whole foods broccoli the other day and it grossed me out so bad that i h… girl with that won most beautiful face looks identical to literally every girl who has ever worked at a brandy melville @oigevalt personally really love the Simplified planners by Emily Ley! i use the my day section for rants and rambl… @erinfroe this is the story of how i went to staples this morning bc i accidentally bought an academic planner that… a daily planner, a 0.38 g2 pilot pen, and a chai latte ive been sipping on for three hours i am functionally a useless human being
@JackWilliamRtF language purists are the fucking worst man
anyway happy birthday to the prison of a human construct we call timemost excited for the clock to strike midnight so i get direct deposit paidddd babyyy the new year means nothing i a… nye has given a whole new meaning to the phrase “here goes nothing”i think i spent all of 2020 feeling bloated
he just fell off a bookshelf for anyone curiousproud owner of an exceptionally dumb cat yeah the selling kids conspiracy theory was crazy and all but can we talk about how wayfair sells the exact same…
@adderalluser damn dude. absolutely perfect"my child is completely fine" your child used academic validation and teacher approval as a source of self-esteem b… nation under god? more like one nation buried in the depths of hell
the more a girl looks like me, the more intimidated i am by her. like what do you mean you have brown hair. that’s my thingdo u think congress has little ice breakers before each meeting like hey everyone before we decide how much we hate…
@nihaokylen u are gonna lose ur mind when ya find out about reusable strawsme, drinking something without a straw: :( me, drinking something with a straw: :)
@showmetheyamz feeling seen @KylePlantEmoji man @FeelingEuphoric me plshey idk who needs to hear this but you’re not a bad person. in fact you’re a really good one
@heatherhcw maybe even a slack channel? discord? @Halfwaveplate ok soo i’m depressed and having an asthma attack outside, now what“if u have depression just go for a walk!!” ok soo i’m sad outside, now what @_nouschka how’s that goingif you’ve ever wished a nice old woman could come to your house for 3 days straight once a month and do all your la… other oldest siblings who cared for their brothers and sisters from a young age and now feel extraordinary burn… @badboychadhoy i don’t even got that i just keep watching 15 min videos of youtubers watching christmas movies so i… @lynndewitttoya yeah same i baked cookies and listened to michael buble for one day like three weeks ago and haven’t felt anything sinceif u have holiday spirit this year, no judgement, but literally how @pant_leg god i miss being Outside back tears as the starbucks barista tells me they’re out of both chai lattes AND almond milk with no way to…’t believe there are really people out there without depression, just raw dogging happiness like that @TrevorDmusic so glad we had the same dayevery politician is fake asf party labels mean nothing and most of all i hate it here thank you and goodnight
@TrevorDmusic i scored slightly below average on the mcat and i say yes“just invest your $600!!” girl, into what? the collapsing global economy ?it’s always “you don’t seem like you have seasonal depression!” until it’s three weeks into december with zero supp…
currently working on my new thinkpiece, “I’m Using My $600 Stimulus Check to Buy Riot Gear, and Here’s Why You Should Too”