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Jill Twiss @jilltwiss New York City

Writer for @LastWeekTonight. Author of the Better Bundo Book. Order "The Someone New" here:

937 Following   20,978 Followers   19,695 Tweets

Joined Twitter 9/23/08

And this is also something and I cannot pretend that it is not live in the future, folks @mythosopher @avocadoplex I am DELIGHTED @larynjpg You know, I didn't expect it but this is also very good @larynjpg Listen, this is very goodI guess I wouldn't say no to a photoshop of Klobuchar eating Mayor Pete with a comb
@somm_bitch Fair @somm_bitch Look, i don't disagree but also they sometimes poop on your car so every species has its problems. @somm_bitch they are SUCH GOOD FRIENDS @crawdady21 @TheGoodPlaceNBC @LastWeekTonight look i don't have a lot of free time, Ben. @crawdady21 @TheGoodPlaceNBC i am so specifically glad to be alive in the time that it existed! @Nick_Pettigrew @girlonetrack Will now rewrite it 18 times : ) @WroteCole @ParkerMolloy My writing has an astigmatismWriting is that thing at the eye doctor where they say “Which of these is better?” and you can’t actually tell but… @TheAndrewNadeau GOOD BECAUSE I WOULD LIKE TO HEAR IT OUT LOUD @TheAndrewNadeau still thinking about this tweetJust remembered this and have high hopes someone adopts it this time around. call my abs Elizabeth Warren because I am not giving up hope and neither should you
Retweeted by Jill Twiss
@jeremyoharris HOLY COW. Amazing how many people "just want to challenge you". @oyofmidmidworld i do. @oyofmidmidworld i literally had the same thought. i THINK i do? but i will find out soon @david_j_roth David McCullough probably has an opinion here. @daniellenuss "I MADE IT A DIFFERENT WAY"Also this person who, for some reason, I believe unconditionally the people who have the energy to be angry in the comments section of an article on hand-washing. @PattiMurin Oh THIS IS SO GREAT @itsjennylbrown @Remy_Lai @rajanilarocca @KimLongMG @Summer_Rachel_ @be_frank_ @ledelbrock @TheLizWasser @DianaDeBolt @Karahdactyl ❤️♥️ @OnMyPlateBlog @MandahLee_Blue You all have adorable paper clip dogs! @hl_rowe i am afraid that men cannot handle unicorns AND penguins @OnMyPlateBlog @MandahLee_Blue WE HAVE A PERFECT MENAGERIE @crchad because it is attending a saloon thank you for asking @LynnSherr LYNN I CANNOT WAIT!! What a thrilling experience to have @JeannetteLovesU they are perfect and waddle like nobody's business @theinschneider i admire and appreciate your imagination though @itsjennylbrown ahem. @LynnSherr I LOVE THEM @MandahLee_Blue Oh i hope they get together and pick a lock!!! @theinschneider i regret to inform you that it could not @TheNHNerd wouldn't it be cool if it MATED FOR LIFE with another penguin paper clip? @NatheLawver Oh they will triple in value by tomorrow at least!Well I just got a paper clip shaped like a penguin in case you were wondering what is good about today @ambivalentricky @ArielDumas Truly I can't imagine how many hours it took! and all i wanted was a dumb plastic doll… @ArielDumas @ambivalentricky i did! (i maybe still do...?) I named her Amanda Suzanne in case that is your next question @ambivalentricky My mom did this with a Cabbage Patch kid. It was so kind of her and i was so disappointed
@JuanMarhl weirdly YES! @sumrthyme @mz_kmoran @Kdmiller4 @EGKellerDraws @DoInkTweets By the way, here is a song that goes with the book "Th… @sumrthyme @mz_kmoran @Kdmiller4 @EGKellerDraws @DoInkTweets I love all of this so much!
@mariskreizman @leilacohan same! @DifficultMrs I support any and all Faery Unions @TrashPandaFTW that's how you pay them! @5klp471 @MaraWilson BECOME BEST FRIENDS???!!? @DifficultMrs I am afraid they have stated firmly that they will not do this. @dblanch100 @ch of course! you just have to stock the drawer with holiday socks so they know @ch oh yeah, those peanut butter ones with the Hershey's kisses in the middle @3rian_3erk yes. @pinkbunnyr Maybe Etsy, which is also the name of a third elfLIFE HACK: Employ two elves named Buttons and Crouton to live in your sock drawer and make you delicious cookies
@itsdlevy this is very comforting. and i am absolutely up for being library-friends! @itsdlevy Will i get lost and not be able to find anything i actually want to read or see because I am too scared t… @itsdlevy David I am very intimidated by the performing arts library even though I live nearby. Can you give me a pep talk as such?
@mz_kmoran @EGKellerDraws @DoInkTweets Oh this is WONDERFUL
@iguessmegan i will concede that but only because she is obviously a perfect kitty @WytKat @soundofaspark @ShaunEliComedy it was a delightp.s. I do have a picture book with some FANTASTIC animals coming out in June, and boy is it now available for pre-o… BEAN HAS WON IT ALL FOLKS @soundofaspark I CANNOT HELP IT WE ALL KNOWThe Right Honorable Eudora Bean Deborah Pickles will sweep your floor whether you need it or not @jamiemacqueen Hello and good day to His Eminence Douglas P. Barklesbury III, Esq. @lintstorm i can tell you that it DID NOT ESCAPE ME @ShaunEliComedy It is an honor and a privilegeThis is Liberace Elvis Cumberbund and he is a GODDAMN STAR Colonel Tucker McFritter is fearless in battle but very scared of the vacuum cleaner @NotJoeCreighton hahahaah. staying private for a while, but i bet this won't be the last time i name some dogsDame Mabel Batsywiddle doesn't mind if you don't curtsey as long as she can chew on your shoe @SnarkySteff this is VERY good inside informationFriends this is Tipsy Bootles. She is a doggy lounge singer and hides treats in her piano dog's actual name is Dazzle and I actually think that is a pretty good name, which is a thing I've never said… this is Gunner I present Postmaster General Puddles T. Bitsyfeet at your service Mr. Wadsworth Diesel Huckleberry, may your life be filled with treats and very fast squirrels need you to meet Dr. Eloise Taco, who discovered the vaccine to my heart is Lord High Constable Macaroni McDigger and he has a long and storied digging lineage to popular demand (one person) I am watching the last few minutes of the Westminster Dog Show and renaming the… @soundofaspark ok i have lied to you. But next dog show i am at your service. @soundofaspark I don't have cable BUT AM GETTING A LOGIN FOR AMERICA
@DaveysBig The Nantucket thing made me laugh way more than it should haveThis interview with Julia Louis Dreyfus was a real bright spot in my day.
@LaughAtlantis I think it is the only reason whyI just remembered that Cynthia Erivo ran a half-marathon before performing a TWO-SHOW DAY at The Color Purple. She… @louisvirtel I thought it sounded just like the chord structure of "sugar pie honey bunch" @berkson0 If she hasn't listened to Greta on the Scriptnotes podcast, I highly recommend it. It was fascinating and… @TorielliJosie JOSIE I HAVE NEVER BEEN MORE THRILLED. River is a dignified General and a leader among dogs
@joannarothkopf Oh Joanna that is maybe the only good reason to cry
@robyoon Will consider for all future fish @GabrielTigerman when i was about her age I had a Beta fish I named VHS that also died. So i feel a real kinship wi…
@somm_bitch WELL NOW I HAVE
@AnneK94 @StoryTimewithM1 @Flint4Pete @__Laura_VB @PeteButtigieg @Chas10Buttigieg @LastWeekTonight @TrevorProject T…
@JamesWise5 what else would that man put in a Hershey's syrup bottle?