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Comedy writer. Sunburn: https://t.co/1AtY1YTVZM 52 Times Britain Was A Bellend: Waterstones: https://t.co/WEinPBVSbx Amazon: https://t.co/83zuzC7LO0

3,523 Following   261,582 Followers   39,899 Tweets

Joined Twitter 12/4/14


https://t.co/Ged0cAjuneBut isn't the *whole point* of tying aid to a % of GDP that you don't *need* to cut it when GDP drops, on account o… https://t.co/mc31jwOoWB
Retweeted by James Felton @Louiestowell In my experience when they tell me kill your darlings they’re mainly talking about fart jokes @BritNatAdam Mate you should have grown out of the “I know you are but what am I” shit by the time you were ten, it’s just embarrassing.Witnessing one of the all time great self-owns today https://t.co/LPZshgyM1j @JennaEllisEsq i guess as a conservative you're pretty mad about your lie, huhI repeat: Do not worry about the goo, do not even think a̴̛͙̖͕̲̪̥̼̻̟̒̀̇̊̋͘̕͜͠b̷̢̧̤͇̳̳̼͉͖̊̍͊̃͞o̴̧̨̼̼̤̖̣̞͔͒͗͌͊̂̾͛̊̓̕… https://t.co/jUFSBFlOon
Retweeted by James FeltonCongratulations to everyone who voted for a government that spends billions on failed apps, the military and plucky… https://t.co/hMjLTS1Sxe @Oswaldthefrisky Welcome to what is known as a joke, Oswaldhttps://t.co/Z7s6VsrKlRUpdate https://t.co/xwj7ZIJeFlAllison Pearson suggested Priti Patel was too short to be a bully – 5 favourite responses https://t.co/RWHP7xdvwL https://t.co/nfRst3Eb8L
Retweeted by James Felton @sidlowe Let me check... nope, you're fine. https://t.co/5VbVBjS7TgOnce again I must ask: Does she read her own shit tweets https://t.co/xAMwNjZHFx @JimMFelton Fuck me imagine the delusional confidence of being that PE teacher going to the headteacher to complain… https://t.co/ZVMW4C4nER
Retweeted by James FeltonAllison Pearson's knocked it out of the park again https://t.co/4YkQAlVW1n2020 DOES NOT NEED GIANT ROBOT TENTACLES HAVE WE LEARNED NOTHING FROM SCI FI https://t.co/6LKREdcR5x
Retweeted by James Felton @whitelockfamily Ah good swap! Hope you like itHave you ever experienced laughing so hard you piss your pants while simultaneously being so enraged you shit your… https://t.co/BQs3RDgF5O
Retweeted by James FeltonOne month till Christmas Day. If you still haven't got your pressies sorted holy fuck what is wrong with you. Get t… https://t.co/AG4yJLrNezWhen you catch sight of your reflection in the bottom of a mug. https://t.co/ma5UD0PBJi
Retweeted by James FeltonA SNAKE IS JUST A LONG GORILLA https://t.co/f6TujZbEbt
Retweeted by James Feltonjaw-dropping findings from the NAO on the cost of UK having to scramble to secure PPE in the spring: “Between Febr… https://t.co/SLkiM0bS58
Retweeted by James FeltonNews of a £29 million pot for the Festival of Brexit went down as well as you’d expect. https://t.co/TpOpgeiNCv https://t.co/ivpj7K3c4j
Retweeted by James Feltonhttps://t.co/gnxDtK6Lzi @Telegraph @allisonpearson https://t.co/245k2SRgb9Allison Pearson there pretending she thinks bullying is done in height order (for money) https://t.co/gnBM36OKN3JESSICA GET BACK IN THERE AND CHANGE THIS INSTANT, WHAT HAVE WE TOLD YOU ABOUT DISTRACTING THE PAEDOPHILES WE CONTINUE TO EMPLOYAttention all children we are sworn to protect: please stop distracting our paedophiles. Thank you for your coopera… https://t.co/8VNNv4UjVOThe reason here is FUCKING OBVIOUS Hatt, and I’m not an economist or a health professional , let alone the health m… https://t.co/HQJc0Enz0m
Retweeted by James Felton
11/25
2020
NEWS: And it's officially confirmed. The @ukhomeoffice are planning a pre-Christmas mass deportation of Black Briti… https://t.co/PiVUDMRfxf
Retweeted by James Felton @twisteddoodles I LOVE that story so much I did a thread about it a few days ago. Soooooo good. https://t.co/vowaqwnzMp @twisteddoodles About 6 months ago I'm sure I'd have been all "what the fuck" but now it's just "yeah ok, mink risi… https://t.co/vPCZGZ1PnFThe news: "The mink are rising from their graves in their hundreds of thousands and marching towards the living" M… https://t.co/kbE4qn8YdQ @GreenBagOG n i c e2020 went from "weird new virus in Wuhan" to "and when there's no more room in hell the dead shall rise and walk th… https://t.co/2ml1wzP5fb @ImDanThompson @LiamThorpECHO They were harassing a friend with their massive account so I told them to stop being… https://t.co/B3swvbKU6oFirst Clear Evidence Of Hallucinogenic Drugs At Rock Art Site Found In California https://t.co/crsV5fIHnu https://t.co/Xpvs1POWCQ
Retweeted by James Felton @MrKenShabby @RosieisaHolt @supermathskid @SoozUK @rickburin @SpillerOfTea @ItsAndyRyan @_BillieBelieveshttps://t.co/0lh8lpNuZR @MrKenShabby @RosieisaHolt @supermathskid @SoozUK @rickburin @SpillerOfTea @ItsAndyRyan @_BillieBelieveshttps://t.co/NjLNJVyZpJSome small(er) accounts you should follow because they're funny, fun or just plain nice: @RosieisaHolthttps://t.co/EC7XZ47IwJ @glowypanda Thank you. Huge fan of your rat content at the moment by the way, soooo adorable, need to get me some m… https://t.co/EsPjdKVzOj @SaHreports I really don’t get why people don’t just mute me if they don’t like my tweets. Absolute dickheads. Mind… https://t.co/wQnwbsUWQp @SpillerOfTea @sturdyAlex @meejahoar @IanDunt @pimlicat Calling the social services for raising them brummie. I thi… https://t.co/C8qllNiIJu @SpillerOfTea @sturdyAlex @meejahoar @IanDunt @pimlicat My epitaph will just be a recipe for mix in the mouth cauliflower cheese @SteveBakerHW Do you not feel even the least bit ashamed of yourself for pretending that people who are concerned a… https://t.co/CmgoJj6BEt @sturdyAlex @meejahoar @IanDunt @pimlicat Look I’m not saying it would be nice, but someone offers me a sprite and… https://t.co/wdBbI5AHWP @sturdyAlex @meejahoar @IanDunt @pimlicat Don’t pretend you aren’t curioushttps://t.co/dS5pmry1IrI guess this sort of thing passes you by when you only emerge at night to feastSit down John, I have some pretty major news about why people might not have been buying cars this year https://t.co/ryspPtI3a8 @IFLScience 2001 a space odyssey 2, Utah boogaloo. https://t.co/Jh6BAhbEE3Combine two news stories to make a sci-fi movie. We'll start: https://t.co/D1kt12UxiL
Retweeted by James Felton'What did I tell you to do?' 'Maintain a statesmanlike tone so people understand the gravity of the situation.' 'An… https://t.co/gnS3f1FUGi
Retweeted by James Felton @samiscalm @idlevic @medstudentalice @BionicIguana Jesus Christ. I assume these people stand up during Jimmy Carr g… https://t.co/ghX6zzO1OuIT’S HAPPENING https://t.co/2sWi6d1TIZBoris Johnson’s video link to the Commons falling mute was peak 2020 – the 8 funniest responses.… https://t.co/nHCnw90KrH
Retweeted by James Felton
11/24
2020
@SpillerOfTea I’ll shoot me next @SpillerOfTea Where shall I shoot him, Super Mario who is here for some reason? The cheeks? The nose? Cap-a-chin-o @13sarahmurphy @DavidDavisMP @VodafoneUK Ha! Ah thank you! Hope you like the book if you do! @SpillerOfTea No wait I’ve got one! You’ve let yourself down Maxiato- @SpillerOfTea Max is going to live [cocking gun] on a farm now, Timmy, now put on these ear muffs and don’t come outside till I say soIf you call it a vaccaccino in real life you get a big needlefull of undiluted covid, this is a rule now https://t.co/FPlWlt1zi9 @ThinkGov @JoshStark89 @paperghost @supermathskid Peter your tweets have convinced me not to get vaccinated, I can’… https://t.co/PopZdY6YLW2016: "Sunlit uplands" "I see no downsides to Brexit, only a considerable upside" 2020: "It's going to cause more… https://t.co/yrmFfl8781
Retweeted by James Felton @sidlowe Ooh great! Hope you like it! @DavidDavisMP @VodafoneUK Try to think of having no fucking phone as landline plus plusDid you try telling them you were willing to walk away without a phone @DavidDavisMP @VodafoneUK Did you try telling them you were willing to walk away without a phoneIf I was somebody who sold myself on my badass negotiation skills I probably wouldn’t admit it took me six hours to… https://t.co/6tBvUJCEJf @DavidDavisMP @VodafoneUK If I was somebody who sold myself on my badass negotiation skills I probably wouldn’t adm… https://t.co/4hWEak1R8NTwo more hours than he spent doing his job https://t.co/IHGNdYQWjr @paperghost @supermathskid @ThinkGov Me: *follows account known for those jokes they have these days* [later] what… https://t.co/1hRsQSlSpWHuh I’m starting to think those weren’t IT lessons https://t.co/dFu9gXHt3T2001 a space odyssey but it’s sheepsProbably fine, don’t worry about it https://t.co/kOZi5ZdASaTwo More Victims Of Unimaginable Deaths At Pompeii Discovered In Cryptoporticus https://t.co/K08DPZwqqI https://t.co/yUswqoUVNB
Retweeted by James FeltonEveryone pretend you don't see him, he's trying his best. https://t.co/0VmKvcTpEiFrom within a protective squareOof they'd better all listen to this or face the consequences of being allowed to continue in their job https://t.co/8IYqR9mPMMKoalas are dumb. Due to smooth brains they lack higher-level recognition and understanding other animals enjoy. T… https://t.co/FwB4R4kqHj
Retweeted by James Felton @SpillerOfTea Gonna issue a fucking press release next timeThis is obviously a joke not misinformation, and I’m quote tweeting an article where you can read the information.… https://t.co/CHEXx3OGFo @samiscalm @idlevic @medstudentalice @BionicIguana Thank you Sam. Goddamn this terrible website. @medstudentalice @BionicIguana It’s not misinformation, it’s a joke, which many people *have* found funny and virtu… https://t.co/Dp0AiMNbd5Tough words from a man who accepted bullying two days ago https://t.co/qPAEoX4o1tLGB Alliance is an anti-LGBT hate group, of course the fucking BBC is quoting them. For fuck sake Write a complaint https://t.co/2bfpI2oAEC
Retweeted by James FeltonWhen the Oxford vaccine runs out the rest of us get the Durham one
Retweeted by James Felton @BionicIguana Alan, please try to get the whole joke before you reply, for the love of god. @SteveBakerHW https://t.co/5EbFg0fUtR @ScratchChrome Ah thank you, glad you're enjoying them! Working on the next book now!https://t.co/87cEaxUeeSSteve Baker there https://t.co/6kRzva5Nv3Steve Baker would do literally any job within the Tory Party. If he was told to clean the toilets in the Commons he… https://t.co/AJpaS4uEXC
Retweeted by James FeltonSame Steve Baker that voted against allowing child refugees to be reunited with their families (twice) https://t.co/LiMPR5Eb9ztories are famously supportive of the right to family life https://t.co/kWhfqF1sLr https://t.co/YOMAyHZ2L8 https://t.co/GvEJzlim4Z
Retweeted by James Feltonif breaking bad was british they’d have cooked meths
Retweeted by James FeltonBoris Johnson following the science https://t.co/DpNGnvuWoOPlease stop explaining stuff to a joke. Thank you for your cooperation. @Flutter_ish I do not love it
11/23
2020

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