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Comedy writer. Author of 52 Times Britain Was A Bellend: Waterstones: https://t.co/WEinPBVSbx Amazon: https://t.co/83zuzC7LO0 Hive: https://t.co/tWorGCoAHC

3,695 Following   158,045 Followers   29,783 Tweets

Joined Twitter 12/4/14


Famously, if there’s money left over at the end of making a star trek film, it gets pumped back into the local econ… https://t.co/vIRMnFZCeV
Retweeted by James FeltonEgyptian Mummy Unsure What It's About To Order In A Restaurant After Waiter Comes Over Too Soon @SpillerOfTea it's weird how their jokes all tend to stay at the same primary school level as their terrible fucking opinions @SpillerOfTea same as all days to be fair @SpillerOfTea lot of terrible bellends logging onto this site today eh @Matthew65481312 @SpillerOfTea God you're one of those "YOU MUST CONDEMN ALL THINGS IN ONE TWEET" reply guy shits a… https://t.co/agtDo05vBDEHHHHHHHHHHhhhhEverybody stop what you're doing right now and listen to this fucking mummy https://t.co/WbEzwFEjwH @Matthew___Lee @SpillerOfTea Shut up Matt @SoozUK smart move, shows decorumwhen facing a certain crash it's very important to put your hands by your sides, to make sure your face takes the f… https://t.co/59gf5hjXAH @Simon_Pegg when involved in a crash it's very important to put your hands by your sides, to make sure your face ta… https://t.co/qx0tGE95mxLive footage of the UK leaving the EU https://t.co/T2vEs4Bc6T @KebabDestroyer @Okeating @ThePoke Thank you, and apologies again!I’ve deleted this tweet because people started *actually replying with their personal information* & I should have… https://t.co/5Hg0mHP8Ys
Retweeted by James Felton @realDonaldTrump @foxandfriends You watching fox and friends again? @KebabDestroyer @Okeating @ThePoke No idea. I got a lot of abuse a while back and got trigger happy with the block… https://t.co/t9NBYLkIfW @SpillerOfTea @ThePoke Beginning to regret saying you could be my agent. @Scientits @SquigglyVolcano I prefer my wounds to be unsalted, but I’ll take delicious wounds if that’s all thats on offer. @Scientits @SquigglyVolcano Jim lays wounded on the ground. Tits runs towards him. He thinks she’s there to help, but she has salt.Yesterday my colleague called me a 'book murderer' because I keep weapons in books to do murders with. Does anyone… https://t.co/jQmca2x7WU
Retweeted by James Felton @SquigglyVolcano You sound like my dadMy homeland (Essex) has a tale of a ghostly black dog called Black Shuck that has walked the marshlands of East Ang… https://t.co/y3Pfqi2YQJ
Retweeted by James Felton @Lisamboo @ThePoke you sound like my dad @ErnieLaver damn i fancied my chances, forgot about the nuclear weaponsJust realised that getting into a fight with the US military puts me in the same category as e.g. Bin Laden and Saddam HusseinGetting into a fight with the US Army was clearly the career boost I neededLove that I've been upgraded from "twitter user" and "that milk coke cunt" to "author". Proud moment. https://t.co/AcpY1e0GON @ThePoke Love that I've been upgraded from "twitter user" and "that milk coke cunt" to "author". Proud moment.Author @JimMFelton triggered Trump’s Space Force with a joke. https://t.co/Lo1C9vOE32 https://t.co/63509N3QOQ
Retweeted by James Felton @ScouseArchitect No they gave up, which probably means I own space now. @10DowningStreet @BorisJohnson A prime minister with such little imagination that he, a man named Johnson, didn't e… https://t.co/wDTdw2xXGFPeople attack "virtue signalling" like the entire fabric of human society hasn't been held together for thousands o… https://t.co/UjWPxBymaV
Retweeted by James FeltonI am directly subtweeting every smug fucker who is doing ‘period maths’ to prove that there’s no need for free sani… https://t.co/pTa2IzKN0I
Retweeted by James Felton @icklenellierose (Just seen you’re still in waiting room, for some reason the Ross and Joey gif tricked me into thi… https://t.co/h3lulg775y
1/23
2020
@icklenellierose Ah god that sucks. Know how awkward it is when you don’t want to ask for too much of rushed staff,… https://t.co/ka1qDOLwCjWeird, because countries legislate their own maternity rights and the EU isn’t a country https://t.co/E29RFK1c1W
Retweeted by James Feltonvillain: ok we've injected you with truth serum Tony the Tiger: they're fine
Retweeted by James Felton @Mike_P_Williams [desperately searches for folder marked “film ideas”] @supermathskid Am... am I Space @supermathskid Joe’s got me banged to rights thereAt first this was funny, but now I just feel bad for American taxpayers that the people they’re paying to fight spa… https://t.co/AkxSAoldo3 @steveo25052005 @davidallengreen Oh thank you! I shall look in a sec :) @davidallengreen Goddamn that’s cool. For mine I practically begged. @davidallengreen I don’t normally respond to “alls” but yes, it’s true. Scared I’ve given away a club secret. @alistaircoleman @SpaceForceDoD @EsperDoD @SecAFOfficial @SpaceForceCSO @GenDaveGoldfein @DeptofDefense @usairforcehttps://t.co/9Ygonwde9AOh mate, they switched to their US Space Command account to like their tweet. https://t.co/7qh2MUfWbH @SpaceForceDoD @EsperDoD @SecAFOfficial @SpaceForceCSO @GenDaveGoldfein @DeptofDefense @usairforce Seriously though… https://t.co/KL1tfl5due @SpaceForceDoD @JimMFelton @EsperDoD @SecAFOfficial @SpaceForceCSO @GenDaveGoldfein @DeptofDefense @usairforce "pew… https://t.co/XH5ZI3aIAp
Retweeted by James Felton @SpaceForceDoD @EsperDoD @SecAFOfficial @SpaceForceCSO @GenDaveGoldfein @DeptofDefense @usairforce That’s exactly t… https://t.co/ifUJecYdBn @supermathskid @SpaceForceDoD @EsperDoD @SecAFOfficial @SpaceForceCSO @GenDaveGoldfein @DeptofDefense @usairforce T… https://t.co/VpLonPdQFjEvery time I’m in space and I see a tree I am going to be really fucking paranoid now, could be themSupposed to be fighting trees in space, now they’re fighting Jim on twitter.Amazing. I got a rise out of the US Space Force. https://t.co/tQ30o0O1T5Now worried that this is how I’ll get banned. Bastard’s Al Capone’d me.Being reported for insulting a deceased cartoon peanut https://t.co/3hy95Olrv4 @FredDur50913666 @MrPeanut It’s a cartoon peanut @FredDur50913666 @MrPeanut It's a cartoon peanut, it's not real. @MrPeanut Rot in hell you discount cashew @DmitryOpines @Luiseach @GotALightBoy Can we go back to commie or @DmitryOpines @Luiseach @GotALightBoy That one’s new @Luiseach @GotALightBoy I grow tired of lefties thinking I'm a centrist and centrists thinking I'm a commie, Sorcha… https://t.co/xTmcHzHAmn @rspiano They probably think it's some kind of bargaining chip. "We'll give rights to refugee kids in exchange for… https://t.co/YfCvtLdTlv @GotALightBoy nobody is saying otherwise @MikeHolden42 It's alright, we all know what you're saying in your head and you can't be banned for thought tweets.Shoutout to the 342 MPs who voted against an amendment aimed at reuniting refugee children with their parents. Agai… https://t.co/7HWJYZcuEE @Anna_Mazz Goldfish: forgot to voteYes but can they find odd socks to match the ones I have in a net bag ? https://t.co/EkglpELzDy
Retweeted by James Felton @LetsPlayJen *taps mic* I said they're driving me CRAY and I may KRILL somebody @LetsPlayJen All these fish puns are driving me cray, any moment now I may krill somebody @Lisamboo Evil. They're the Leave dot EU of the sea. @Lisamboo That was a coded message Lisa, like when she snubbed Trump by wearing the Royal dickhead brooch, the broo… https://t.co/484fNKkdKfSharks definitely voted leave, the little swimmy assholes. The subpar dolphin cunts.This is like when the Sun said the Queen would vote leave @thefishareloose They aren't very political, they just did it for the halibut. Like... like "hellofit". I'll let myself out the dorian.Around the 1 minute mark she says "I think it is of paramount importance that some type of oversight is put in plac… https://t.co/A2bQZvGJhV @GuardianBooks you're not digging yourself out of this by saying sentences hannibal lecter would say buddy @PickardJE He looks like he's telling his coach he doesn't want to play football anymore, he has real dreams.I had to read this and now you have to read it, too. I’m sorry. https://t.co/JbiWiCoaak
Retweeted by James FeltonThey have it. You’re taking it away. https://t.co/5H7s7zjuIZ
Retweeted by James Felton
1/22
2020
Did...did this car fall over with cold? https://t.co/iqaYGpfdz3
Retweeted by James Feltonif I slept with someone and then turned over in the night and they were pulling a 13 I would call the police https://t.co/iBHXQU3meE
Retweeted by James Felton @paperghost I don't think we should start fights with people who read with their fists, I'm scared. @Daniel_Sugarman If it had been a milk thing I would have been fine with it, maybe even respected him a little more… https://t.co/k503voRceO @LittleLiferRema Well I only did mine because everyone was talking about ripping books in half, but yes it is the behaviour of a psychopath.A friend at uni borrowed one of my books once. He returned it with the first 30 pages missing. Just gone. No mentio… https://t.co/NO4hGVPdaKEvery time I think want to quit twitter something joyous like this happens. h/t @DanKaszeta https://t.co/tj8w2K7wBu
Retweeted by James Felton @realDonaldTrump Congratulations Mr President, didn’t think you had it in you.15 times Sarah Dempster made Twitter a funny place to be. (Via @Dempster2000) https://t.co/smRpL0FABw https://t.co/ygvCZB4r04
Retweeted by James FeltonYo @pinterest and @pinterestuk - there is content harassing a friend of mine (@SheRa_Marley) on your site from two… https://t.co/2uDHP69ZWSI think this is the woman who told me that Lowestoft would replace its European markets with places like South Kore… https://t.co/B76VDKh8zx
Retweeted by James FeltonNext on the BBC, we'll introduce you to Dolph, who will explain why he believes in what he calls the "master race".… https://t.co/dq1q7cnLP8
Retweeted by James FeltonThis is the most fantastically stupid idea. You might as well use a magic potion. https://t.co/jgccubZ34c
Retweeted by James FeltonHaven’t done this before but it’s worth a shot. I'm an actor and here's my Spotlight. If you're shooting anything y… https://t.co/A57D4MRJpJ
Retweeted by James Felton @andraswf About damn timeI guess they were looking for a leak https://t.co/Un476ktMYW
Retweeted by James Felton @Firesnakious @Luiseach Tastes of shame @SpillerOfTea [says "waste not want not" in a brummie accent]Scientific study: "Testicles have taste receptors-" Internet, unzipping: "Say no more" Scientific study: "But thi… https://t.co/GEh73DLSf6 @Luiseach Huh guess I forgot about that. Let he who has not teabagged food cast the first stone I guess.
1/21
2020

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