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Arrested Development, Baskets, Kroll Show, Portlandia, Silicon Valley, and “John Levenstein's Retirement Party”

1,001 Following   29,428 Followers   58,596 Tweets

Joined Twitter 1/14/11

@emilynussbaum What do you want from me?! @MaryKoCo NOT chunky?? @kikionfleek Where else would I go?I really shouldn’t have to say which supermarket at this point.Overheard at supermarket: “If you say we’re all out, the customer goes away and doesn’t come back. That’s one track…
If that kid hadn’t been caught posting racist messages, he would have had the opportunity to meet like-minded stude… Trump were my daughter, I’d say, “hey, maybe you could focus a little less on how badly treated you’ve been.”Is Trump running for re-election or for who has been the most badly treated?To celebrate Father’s Day, daughter texted to ask if I saw that she tried to call. Acceptable. @mradamscott I like your vocal more than Elvis’s! @TaraAriano Have a little pride while you’re grieving the monster!First mistake if you’re trying to keep a deadly secret is to become known as the Monterey 5.If you go by the characters’ names, you’re watching for the wrong reasons. Ziggy is a notable exception.If I were Nicole Kidman, my top priority would be waking up before Meryl Streep every morning. Win the battle of br… @jamiattenberg 244About 1 and 2/3 dozen people How do I get the Boy Bye wallpaper for my kitchen?Article about Pelosi’s political savvy focuses exclusively on her methods for heading off impeachment, but never ex… fan of Michelle Obama’s celebrity dodgeball team. @susanorlean It’s amateur hour! @realDonaldTrump This feels temporary. @capnjoy She is also a mandated reporter for abuse, but she never reported it.Why did Bill Cosby use Fat Albert’s catchphrase for his Father’s Day greeting? Fat Albert is a child. @EmilyABroderick What did she do for a living last year? @jamiattenberg 6:07 A.M. @alliemackay He spilled the biggest secret of all last year—who the bully was. Your dream boy did that! @alliemackay He loves to sing and dance to the music mommy likes best! @maxsilvestri It could be a nice income stream for you!If I could get Meryl Streep’s ear, I’d point out that a woman recognized a man she had not seen in years, while the… @BeingSaid She got the bangs in Salinas. @maggieserota You would read my Tiny Big Little Lies Letter? @DesiJed I don’t know why they’re even keeping up a pretense of keeping secrets. They are terrible at it. Everyone… wouldn’t trust anyone in Big Little Lies with my darkest secrets, not even Nicole Kidman’s therapist. She is itch… Laura Dern wants to hurt her husband, she should play with his train set. @DesiJed Rolls off my tongue beautifully.It occurs to me that participation trophies probably don’t say “participation” or “participant” on them. We just re… a character who lives in Monterey work at the Monterey Bay Aquarium is the kind of choice that makes writing look easy.Not charmed by effective interventions in therapy scenes.No need for stage teeth. Give Meryl Streep the pair of funny glasses and call it a day.
A little disheartening to tune in to a Bar Rescue marathon on Father’s Day, and Jon Taffer is missing from the firs… @monicaheisey On Father’s Day?! @magicmikecastle I’m not sure friendly and gentle reminders are friendly and gentle, are you?If you want to get a cold reaction from a millennial, try talking about the problems you are having with the contra… Father’s Day go the way of Columbus Day?! @FriederJim It’s a question of focus. They are not focused on their children while they are complaining about their dads.Making a few imaginary trims in season one of Big Little Lies as a cute Father’s Day gift to myself. @DesiJed It’s Carmel. Doris Day would have made sense. Rock Hudson and Doris Day. There ya go. @DesiJed This would have been a big, little spoiler a year ago!Why did the first season of Big Little Lies build to an Elvis and Audrey event that is also inexplicably billed as… @davidstassen Give her a rough draft to work from?Pete Rose with my daughter in Vegas. Happy Father’s Day!
@SmelOdiesOG He was a Pete Reiser fan.“Learn to switch hit and the world is your oyster!” - Earle Levenstein, June 1970“That’s not a knife in the head. THAT’S a knife in the head!” - Alligator Dundee summer my father tried to teach me to bat left handed. No idea what he was thinking. I guess he was in crisis.… @DesiJed I believe he was singing about pining for his father as a child. I do not think it was an active complaint. Do YOU?Men over forty who complain about their shitty fathers are almost always shitty fathers. I say almost because some…’t make me mute “Father” @nickkroll @danacarvey @LargoLosAngeles This is nice, you look so happy about it! @AlisonRosen Not all the scenes are this good! @DesiJed @mollylambert Yes. They wouldn’t record until I was drunk enough. @mollylambert I felt like they would have liked it if I’d fucked up the information more too. I was also very drunk… @mollylambert Didn’t they give you a breathalyzer test before they started shooting? @shutupmikeginn I didn’t want to be the one to say it. @PFTompkins @BrandyLJensen MADD and GLAAD! @chelseaperetti @JordanPeele That’s fatherhood! @StonewallBaron All social convention. Gatorade is also a promotion. @StonewallBaron The shower is a precursor to a celebration. What’s alcohol on the head? A precursor to a shower? @StonewallBaron It’s the biggest moment of your life. What’s are you going to do? Pour alcohol on your head? This i…’m starting a prank show where we’ll screw with the people who screwed with people trying to find work, by pretend… @marisaronis But it was so revealing. And a rare moment when the housewives were all aligned.More than one kind of not being able to delay gratification is at play when neighbors set off fireworks on June 14th an hour before dark. @evafay Yay!!!!
@DesiJed @MorganCline I wonder if the anesthesiologist ia reading a romance novel tonight too. @MorganCline I wonder if he’ll tell you in an intimate moment in the future that you did barf on that day long ago? @MorganCline Sounds like there’s a spark.One of my favorite Real Housewives scenes in recent memory. What happens when you say you feel left out... @maxsilvestri That’s challenging. @maxsilvestri Is your character named Max, because you get visibly confused otherwise? @marklisanti @hbhannigan Hold on, you guys. Did everyone sign? @laurenlapkus You do a nice job establishing plausible deniability here. @hbhannigan Harry, you’ve got to find out if this is any player’s first choice way to celebrate.That’s a celebration. @jondaly I’ve looked at the tweet and I don’t see how I had anything to do with it.Athletes don’t know what to do with themselves during locker room celebrations. How about instead of drinking from… @Caissie @blainecapatch @RobynElyse @meredithmo I love not being able to hear a fucking thing.Hunter Biden seems a bit impulsive.The NBA needs to do something about lengthy ref conferences at the end of playoff games. It was effectively over la… @MarthaKelly3 @timheidecker The ego on this one.
.@JessicaBiel I’m hosting a charity slumber party. @thatbilloakley Mine are hilarious. I wouldn’t call them cutesy-poo. It’s been going on for twenty-five years. I can’t be contained. @JoshMalina Not the flower shop, Josh! I was sorry to see that. @dannyzomps Well you hooked me! @dannyzomps Do you really want to know, or are you just flirting with EVERYBODY? @MrEmilyHeller @carolineframke I wish I were caught up. I’m watching season one. I feel terrible for those kids in… are businesspeople joking? I’ve got to start doing characters for camera. (sighs heavily)Sarah Huckabee Sanders is stepping down to spend more time with her indignation at ever having been asked a question.
Retweeted by John LevensteinMy pet peeve is that the people getting buried aren’t really dead. @ders808 “You know...”