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Jon Canter @joncanter3 Aldeburgh, Suffolk, UK

Comedy writer, playwright and novelist. Co-wrote @ArabellaWeir and @LennyHenry touring shows. Stage adaptation of A Short Gentleman opens in October.

573 Following   834 Followers   3,081 Tweets

Joined Twitter 4/29/12


Girls! Boris was fun. Boris was cheeky. So you gave him what he wanted - your vote. Now your flat's been flooded. Y… https://t.co/kRiJ9Dl61S @JohnHenryWalsh Excellent! Keep them coming! How about paying tribute to all those hard-working men and women who m… https://t.co/WPGmJFqZUk @JohnHenryWalsh It would be nice if they named one of them after legendary Dark Side Of The Moon cover designer, Storm Thorgerson.
2/28
2020
I thought the whole point of Brexit was to end free movement of viruses and create uniquely British diseases that we control.
2/27
2020
@DervMac @ianduhig Thanks, Doc. This is a joy. Check out David Simon of The Wire fame @AoDespair. His splenetic gif… https://t.co/9wq6gDJtNr
2/26
2020
@lucyportercomic I put both my towels in an Old Towels Home, a couple of years ago. It's clean, and it doesn't smel… https://t.co/yzxbozaJguIf the Falklands War was two bald men fighting over a comb, Brexit feels more like one bald man trying to convince… https://t.co/wWFemZIsht
2/25
2020
@davidjones2804 But who's the Dominic Cummings?The longer it goes on, the sadder it is that Jurgen Klopp will never be Prime Minister.I grab a bunch of cavolo nero and ask it if it's ready to wok. It's one of those moments when you know you've still got it.
2/24
2020
@BBC6music plays an appalling Oasis knock-off. Meaningless lyrics, sung in a howling dog way. Faux-Beatles arrangem… https://t.co/EURNx4WfvS
2/23
2020
@jeremyhotpepper Zany is great. Try a t-shirt that says I'M MAD.
2/21
2020
@davidjones2804 @AldeBooks @peg_0 @INK_festival @AldeLitFest Thank you. It's better to look gormley than gormless.Comedians! When asked to do a photo to publicise your show, please don't look 'funny'.
2/20
2020
@FoodSafariUK @SlateCheese @SlateCheese built a wall of cheese in their Aldeburgh shop. Think about it. Not even Do… https://t.co/Wv07c63mxT @RosMGreen @EssexBookFest Ros, could you please follow me so I can email you in connection with @EssexBookFest? Thank you. @VictoriaPeckham So perfect they've actually photographed him under a big black cloud.'No unskilled workers'. Doesn't that seem a real blow to Dominic Cummings' recruitment policy? But then you look cl… https://t.co/mvD6iSK0aT
2/19
2020
Sabisky was not a ‘super forecaster’. He was something much more novel and exciting. The man was a ‘superfuckcluste… https://t.co/z07UwVntGmYou have to love Dominic Lemmings. He's leading us all down the plughole, just to be thrillingly weird. What price… https://t.co/FtfXj8gApuRemember that man who walked up and down Oxford Street all day, wearing a sandwich-board that said Protein Causes L… https://t.co/qNuoDPsABU @lucyprebblish @johnharris1969 To me they're just the band Sabisky quit to form Fucked-Up Avocados.
2/18
2020
@Joshua_Gadsby They don't if it's a shoe shoe train.
2/17
2020
Twenty-nine years ago next Sunday, I met my wife. Only she wasn't my wife when I met her. And I'm glad. I hate thos… https://t.co/q1jX1AFEiJ
2/16
2020
@isitrollingpod You're right. 'Seems'. Now I feel lost. I'm walking my dog in the rain, worried that I don't love B… https://t.co/jJZ2hOC9ry @davidhepworth @isitrollingpod She looks like Vermeer? She resembles a long-dead Dutchman? I live near the beautifu… https://t.co/hu96tuOyox
2/15
2020
@SteveOliver76 I once poured salt on UB40 but it failed to get rid of them.
2/14
2020
On his radio show, Kenny Everett had a competition. The prize was 'a life-size map of the world'. @DaveCohencomedy Dave, you've hit on the universal question: how do you know when an exchange is over? I mean, I'm… https://t.co/fr90eDqaJO @DavidShawParker Yes. That hurts. At least before the 'thank you' they didn't write 'Dear Sir'...What's it mean when you send someone a long amusing email and in response they just write 'ha ha'? Do they hate you? Are they busy? Both?
2/13
2020
When The Crown gets to Harry meeting Meghan, will the actress playing Meghan be Meghan? @riley_leman @j_amesmarriott @JulieAMcDowall That book destroyed my faith in men, women, love, marriage, family, so… https://t.co/PoXxDwMWHf
2/12
2020
@Sue_Limb 'Good evening. I'm an old woman.' 'And I'm an old woman.' 'And we may or may not be having sex.' 'With ea… https://t.co/g5oqu9uOHa
2/11
2020
@DaveCohencomedy This is great. For two thousand years, comedians have made mother-in-law jokes. It's time the joke… https://t.co/0JHN4njZe8'You can tell the world your mother-in-law loves you,' says my 90 year old mother-in-law. So I am. And, what's more… https://t.co/7eqFf28Cin
2/10
2020
Hey, Oscar, Uncut Gems was flawless. @AdamSandler was robbed. And why no Best Supporting Actress for @idinamenzel?
2/9
2020
It would be wonderful now if tv personality Donald Trump came out as nice. Imagine that. He's always known that dee… https://t.co/RX4prPmEQ4 @davidjones2804 Fabulous! The Joanna Lumley Terminal Hotline. Monetise THAT.There's nothing more sublime than a Joanna Lumley voice over. If you had to hear you had a fatal disease, you'd want to hear it from her. @TimGoffe 6mins this could have been dynamite.
2/7
2020
@MikeHaskins11 It was the legendary and very much alive @JakkoJ. You couldn't make it up. So I didn't.
2/5
2020
I've had a curry in Watford with the lead singer of King Crimson. I'll say that again. Not now. Later. Because, unl… https://t.co/KxeaEqyXX0
2/4
2020
I like Boris Johnson. I like his smile. He'll look after us. He's like Churchill. The carer says he's like Jim Davi… https://t.co/3GDkYqWJV4I'm excited. We're going to take back control. We're going to be a force in the world again. An empire. Like we wer… https://t.co/CQD1gZkxUo
2/3
2020
Strangely but truly, ‘Remainer’ now means ‘someone who wants to remain outside the EU’. @Alison_Inman @peg_0 No. It’s the end of the end.
2/2
2020
@simonbooker @abigailthaw @jennarusselluk I didn’t know I was gay till I read that title.
1/31
2020
The Jeffrey Epstein Women's Refuge. Kanye West's 'On Humility'.These are the things that come to mind when you see 'Trump Peace Plan'. @Bayluh Ah, how quickly they forget...
1/30
2020
@otium_Catulle This may sound like a metaphor for her marriage to John Profumo, but she never gave him back. She stood by him.On my way to the newsagent I pause, and take a detour down a side street. On my way back, I do the same. Why? Why d… https://t.co/i81t4mux0NI voted Remain. I voted Labour. I didn’t love Little Women. So that’s why I live in the cellar now. Join me. There’… https://t.co/sMkjukzIBb
1/29
2020
Is Co-Op Vegetarian Ham kosher?
1/28
2020
@Regatta171 Regatta's been a fixture of Aldeburgh High Street since Ed Sheeran was a baby. This truly is the end of an area. @Regatta171 So long! And thanks for all the fish... @Andr6wMale You were right about the church but wrong about the pub. She's in the Manor Inn in Lower Ashton. I'm wa… https://t.co/6GDo3aIAxU
1/27
2020
@davidjones2804 Left-half? What is this, the Sixties? They mean the midfielder of your brain.
1/24
2020
@davidjones2804 We're here in Cherry Tree Lodge, near Woking in Surrey. It's the first care home in Britain to intr… https://t.co/xGdQI9TseR @davidjones2804 'That's lovely! But can you tell me the name of the Prime Minister?' @davidjones2804 'Everyone! This is our new resident. Mr Jones. Would you like to say hello to everyone, Mr Jones?'… https://t.co/PIJi4rywDO
1/23
2020
Shame they're called 'The Sussexes' when so many other counties could use the publicity. When can we have 'The Linc… https://t.co/vnzwzCDpC7
1/22
2020
I've run out of opinions. Does anyone know a good place to get some more?
1/21
2020
Anybody want to co-write Hereward The Woke? All I’ve got’s the title.
1/19
2020
@sanditoksvig should do a job swap with @BorisJohnson. His semi-funny, semi-adorable bluster would be perfect on… https://t.co/kAdgHxgVWu'Can you die from a book?' Love In Winter is a play about the power of the written word @AldeJubileeHall 7/8 March… https://t.co/4lvBFwz1uv
1/16
2020
Willie Whitelaw was once asked how historians would look back on his time as Secretary of State for Northern Irela… https://t.co/ZYkvk8iabz
1/15
2020
@kingsley_tom @jamminfez I've been living my life in one single take for over sixty years, only going to black when… https://t.co/BpMkNL5Zj8
1/14
2020
@MikeHaskins11 It felt like 11. @simonbooker I did. And I fear I didn't just wet myself.I watched 1917 in one continuous take, even though it meant that I wet myself.
1/13
2020
People say the most beautiful words in the language are 'I love you'. But I'd go for 'three for two'. Because you c… https://t.co/9ZsiiVlJ4cOn a first date with a man, you should always ask if he's a grandson of The Queen. Best you find out early.
1/12
2020
I once saw a film Laura Dern wasn’t in
1/9
2020
How many Arnold Bennett books does it take to change a lightbulb? Because I doubt I'll ever read the ones I own and… https://t.co/gXy48m3o7j
1/7
2020
Dracula's so good it made me wonder: Dominic Cummings and Boris Johnson - who sucks whose blood?
1/5
2020
@rcharkin @JacquiGram I bow to your theory. Let's face facts - there are statues of literary critics but none of ex-flatmates. @JacquiGram @rcharkin Douglas had no interest in sport. That freed up the large areas of the brain the rest of us fill with the stuff. @davidjones2804 This is what Twitter’s all about.
1/4
2020
Dry Nanuary is, as the name suggests, the month you visit your Grandmother and offer to dry her hair. Towel? Blow-d… https://t.co/SJ6hQhGZFdMy wife and I are doing 'January', in which we only talk to people called Jan. It's self-punishing and difficult -… https://t.co/rso2Ygtt6zJust 29 days till BreXmas. That's when the man comes down the chimney and gives everyone: A) Back control B) Unleas… https://t.co/1g9rilUNC4
1/2
2019
@BBCRadio4 must commission a series called Trans-Woman's Hour, because there's so much about the subject that so ma… https://t.co/AvIhhRPZwW
12/30
2019
The decade just ending is the Brexties.
12/27
2019
When you lose yourself in a book, you shelf-medicate.
12/21
2019
@charles_lambert Nice. But sometimes an editor should simply say, ‘Be bald!’
12/20
2019
@SimonJohnRose1 Think of them as friends you haven't yet met...It's Limahl's 61st birthday. Yes, you read that right. We must help each other through it. We must unite, as a peop… https://t.co/OXPotCWR0s
12/19
2019
You get the feeling from some Corbynistas that they think the electorate should resign.
12/18
2019
@BBCRadio4 There were no highs, dude.No one who says 'in my humble opinion' has a single humble opinion.
12/16
2019
@DaveCohencomedy @Dempster2000 Thanks, Dave...The PM is a kind of Eighties ad agency account director, minus the bow tie. He's great at pitching but bad on detai… https://t.co/VWd7STfuTy
12/14
2019
@Geoff_McGivern @Sue_Limb You're asking for Jeremy Corbyn, right?The Prime Minister must bring the nation together by getting Brexit done and then rejoining the EU.
12/13
2019
Boris Johnson unites people. He makes them forget their differences and find a common cause. Like millions, I feel… https://t.co/bMZpFi4rf8A vote for Boris Johnson is a vote for all the honourable men who have the nation's best interests at heart: Prince… https://t.co/wn9Pd8s8xC
12/12
2019
@BadgerMash Mine's broke down. And now I've no one to love.I hate to ask, but are friends electric? (Asking for a friend.)
12/10
2019
'What are the five words you'd use to describe yourself that make you right for this job?' 'Entitled, devious, lazy… https://t.co/hurGACF4d2
12/9
2019

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