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Jono Zalay @JonoZalay Los Angeles, CA

Ask me about my cult!

1,120 Following   6,141 Followers   13,706 Tweets

Joined Twitter 9/22/10


Yes it's a majority but can it win the electoral college? https://t.co/X6flLVr2eT
Retweeted by Jono Zalay
9/23
2020
Next he must face Indiana Jones in single combat. https://t.co/zbKBKunXNA
9/22
2020
I presume the emergency will be TOO MUCH justice? https://t.co/dMIM16Hg3bI watched Schitt’s Creek where’s my Emmy?I joined Twitter 10 years ago today and they made me this card so I can light it on fire and start over with a new… https://t.co/6rR0TSpjopNo stadium nor QB will ever make the Chargers not pathetic losers.If your center can’t shoot 3 pointers do you even have an NBA team?
9/21
2020
The probability this happens just jumped up significantly. https://t.co/bkLeDEslw9
9/20
2020
That was the earth opening up to swallow Mitch McConnellWhat deal did Mitch McConnell strike with cancer?Hell. Someone build a Hell for this man immediately. https://t.co/tR5BrEh22L
9/19
2020
No.
9/18
2020
@joezimmerman She laughed!Every woman has a period, but my GF has an ERA. Folks!EMOTIONAL STATUS: unfollowed 4 dog Instagram accounts for being too corny.Anna Karenina? More like Anna Kar-SIN-ina
9/17
2020
Someone tell Ben Shapiro that the Dollywood height requirements aren’t any more lenient than Disneyland’s. https://t.co/KiIAyjFrfVWhy am I so nervous about Biden? Well first of all I’m a Clippers fan... @AndrewSleighter They should be banished to the top like Mickey in the commercial."There's blood on Jokic's hand." Yes. Yes there is.It's been settled the Clippers can't win without Boban.Okay just throw me in there I'll toss up a couple 3-pointers. @joshgondelman I'm holding you responsible for next year too, Josh.Back-to-back missed dunk and layup. See you in 2021 #ClipperNation ! 🤦🤦🤦 @joshgondelman I'm very nervous the Clippers are going to implode again. I want desperately to see a Clips-Celts fi… https://t.co/czqIRWEW9g
9/16
2020
Every time I write a pilot I outline this tight, joke heavy script like 30 Rock but it’s always just over-the-top n… https://t.co/Qq2GvxA1er
9/15
2020
I think it's fair to say Tom Brady sucks and always has.
9/14
2020
Whoa the entire Chargers fanbase traveled to Cincinnati for the game?! https://t.co/qiyJo4jsvI @mattknudsen @PaymanBenz I dare not invoke the 2015 Rockets series. It's like looking into a mirror when you KNOW t… https://t.co/320xf66yD2 @joshgondelman Watching Jokic play like a point guard feels like if Jaws was also a concert pianist. https://t.co/pVtcDbAmInThis is embarrassing. @joshgondelman it is absolutely a glitch in the matrix when 7 footers drain 3 pointers. @kt_money It feels like I'm taking bong rips from the forest fire air.The Clippers blow more 16 point leads before noon than most people do all week.
9/13
2020
@joezimmerman I got a new tooth on groupon!
9/12
2020
Just remembered an ad I saw for a ‘chocolate diamond’ jewelry. So funny. “Hey honey, I love you more than anything… https://t.co/tqmIlpiiFw
9/11
2020
https://t.co/kVMaXtZpkQI love the Clippers but I'm not mad at the Nuggets' rainbow unis.
9/8
2020
GO HOME San Diego YOU'RE EMBARRASSING ME. https://t.co/tSQiPJ1kezIf I ran an aquatic mammal tour company our slogan would be: "You outta see Sea Otter Odyssey." And it would succeed despite that.
9/7
2020
https://t.co/IdMOdTzcV3
9/6
2020
A university study asked if I would accept money to deactivate my social media for the next 6 weeks and I was like honey I would pay YOU. @JonoZalay @joshgondelman Seeing you on the night you got your PhD, absolutely drunk off your ass talking about coc… https://t.co/TuyH4zgjBS
Retweeted by Jono Zalay @davewaitecomedy @hollyweirdo my man! @hollyweirdo @davewaitecomedy Is that when you put Cool Whip on top of a shot?or Mushed Potatoes? Idk my gf did this to us.[Lincoln Project slowly pulls blanket over lap to hide erection...] https://t.co/vqz4gJJlOiMashed potatoes with mushroom gravy? I think you mean MASHROOMED POTATOES 😳😳😳
9/4
2020
As someone earned a PhD studying cocaine addiction, I fully support and can back up with citations @JoshGondelman's… https://t.co/c0rtGLNBIF
9/3
2020
One time Carolla was trying to find milk in the green room and he opened every cabinet before trying the fridge.
Retweeted by Jono ZalayY'all ever poop so good it fixes your back? @ohJuliatweets Pretty funny IMO @possiblyTiffany https://t.co/DManirw6pUNever underestimate a Markey in Massachusetts https://t.co/rQXcPfrji1
9/2
2020
Massachusetts friends! I highly recommend re-electing Ed Markey to the senate, and if you're in Western Mass, Alex Morse to Congress in MA-1 @Jason4breakfast Mankind may never know.For context: I deleted the twitter app from my phone because it was ruining my brain. But that deleted all my draft… https://t.co/KILoYnOGtb @ParkerMolloy Huge if true. @ChaseMit no sorry it's in the library of congress forever. @ryanstaples from what i remember from 2004 it's exhilarating.Okay, who put all this cum in my balls?
9/1
2020
@ryanstaples JK everyone is welcome to be a Padres fan. We've never had them outside SD, so it's a new experience. @ryanstaples Sorry, seat's taken on this bandwagon.
8/31
2020
They think they can intimidate us with guns and trucks but I know three 'Ellen' producers with nothing but free tim… https://t.co/v6PFUn7nyZ
8/30
2020
https://t.co/ZiTJMkGN9s
Retweeted by Jono Zalay
8/29
2020
I deleted the twitter app from my phone and I've been waiting 18 hours to brag about it.The Jacob Blake shooting happened in Wisconsin. Bucks guard Sterling Brown was himself a victim of police brutality… https://t.co/DnKZmbCwFq
Retweeted by Jono Zalay
8/27
2020
I got this hat as a goof but now I’m proud to support the only good thing left in America. https://t.co/7U7GLQ2baSKyle Rittenhouse better hope he gets convicted while Trump can still pardon him.Getting “cancelled” doesn’t kill your career but does lead to an alt right fan base and I’d rather just go to jail.This is gonna be harder to fit on a sign.Arrest the attorney general in charge of arresting the cops who shot Breonna Taylor for not arresting the cops who… https://t.co/JwIYdPhKt7 @AriFleischer I’m sorry to inform you the suction was greeted as a liberator. @Redrufus4u I don’t know how to tell you this, but people put their whole lives into their lives.Forgot to restrict the replies the first time so... re-do! If you have the word patriot or an American flag in you… https://t.co/KVWKiQuzSsNo insured place of business is worth defending with a gun. #kenoshaWithout downloading new pics, mentally where are you? https://t.co/ej3XexyXJM https://t.co/9rwzDmdL5j @ChrisGorbos Bunch of cabbage eating step-children of the Adriatic.Not watching Melania. Luka is the only Slovenian who has earned the right to make me irrationally angry. @lisa_curry More GOAT shit than a poorly run petting zoo.
8/26
2020
ATTN REPUBLICANS: if you want people to stop calling you/America racist, voting for Trump will NOT HELP. https://t.co/FaaiaoAJILI didn’t know at the time how literal this tweet was. All subtlety is gone. When you can’t rely on your record, r… https://t.co/IBKbxGclBKWho said the Republicans don’t have a platform? https://t.co/39DQ0LrybhLet’s give the Mayans some credit, 2012 was PRETTY CLOSE.
Retweeted by Jono ZalaySong of the Summer https://t.co/oWGgXNjElr
Retweeted by Jono Zalay @LangstonKerman Yeah. Uh. Me... as well.I fucking KNEW IT. https://t.co/CjGvt8GUbhNo exit strategy tho https://t.co/wVDc7Mj1MV @chrisfluming You’re a treasure Chris!I watched 30 seconds of the RNC and in that time Nikki Haley used Dylann Roof’s murdering of 12 black churchgoers a… https://t.co/NiRRjkcQHHAt this point, even if Trump announced a vaccine, would anyone believe him? He’s doesn’t listen to experts and alre… https://t.co/wCrd2kmjqw
8/25
2020
Spoiler alert: he did not. https://t.co/uJaqQvcWZK
Retweeted by Jono Zalay“IS ANYONE ON THIS PLANE A DOCTOR AND IN NETWORK!?”
Retweeted by Jono Zalay @CraigMahoney Sit ups. I’m all abs now. Gotta prep for the wars to come.You can get your Xmas presents with plenty of time if you order them in mid-November. Otherwise your nephew’s ‘ca… https://t.co/SMP5DE8c2LSeems the only way mail-in ballots will be delivered on time is if we all agree to not send any other mail the 2 we… https://t.co/LG0O4RjcLh @mattruby I give him the benefit of the doubtWelp. Katie Porter can’t do everything in 5 minutes. But she did get DeJoy to... - Look stupid. - State he is immune from ethics. @gehrig38 Shouldn’t you be getting arrested on a boat somewhere? @eliyudin Except now you can’t stop people from saying his name.
8/24
2020

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