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J Confetti @jumagico Boston, MA

204 Following   196 Followers   1,549 Tweets

Joined Twitter 3/11/09


@motherpurresa Ramen
9/2
2020
eat a piece of fruit every time the basketball announcers say “penetration” if ur tryna get litty with your health
8/19
2020
@crileyariver94 Dude sames. Life changer!
8/6
2020
It’s so sweet that some nerds create new stuff for fellow nerds to talk to other nerds about. Because I bet some… https://t.co/QVOOHq7xXW
7/31
2020
The dairy industry is still getting pummeled by COVID-19. Order your pie with double cheese and throw in an order… https://t.co/lva19zujge
7/26
2020
I vote Washtington Red Bins, can we move on this? #theredbins @WashingtonNFL https://t.co/2v7wUIaGZG
7/25
2020
@prawnthrax Is kitty ok?? @motherpurresa 💯Don’t tell me now I’ll just forget againI don’t even remember how jeans work. Do you button up the zipper or is it the other way around ?
7/18
2020
@DanCrohn Invisible poop
7/15
2020
Knocking on doors for Kanye 4 Prez, opening by reading the lyrics of “Jesus is King” and just got called a missiona… https://t.co/Sbs9PecV2D
7/7
2020
“Rager at Mikey’s tonight, I’m taking the over on Lauren, she’s wicked immunocompromised.” https://t.co/PaIGGmMFiODo y’all leave your mask on in the shower?
Retweeted by J Confetti
7/3
2020
@gracemanozzi ew BYE
6/9
2020
https://t.co/aJY4Imvf9q
Retweeted by J Confetti
6/6
2020
@gracemanozzi 😎🔥 @gracemanozzi 😂😂
5/22
2020
You know the bbq joint is fire when they’re flying a POW flag
5/15
2020
My fellow citizens, we are at quar. We are quarring against a tiny but mighty enemy. Quar-time is never easy, but… https://t.co/1V29wikOSK
4/24
2020
just found an old home movie of me when I was six talking to my invisible friend, we were playing War and decided t… https://t.co/b69QW56D2z
4/10
2020
app idea: design your own headstone! upgrade to the paid version for embossed templates.
4/8
2020
@LizAMcShane Oo la la!
3/28
2020
Can we please get on the same page about how many days we’ve been quarantining? How about tomorrow we start fresh… https://t.co/AGjMShBzIL
3/26
2020
Updated self-defense/safety protocol for women walking alone at night: cough.
3/20
2020
@zacbears @yousuckzac Soooo fahkn bahston kehd
3/19
2020
The experts are saying we'll soon see hospitals pushed beyond max capacity. Meanwhile, most colleges & universities… https://t.co/o4CWr4yw30
Retweeted by J Confetti
3/17
2020
Fine, you’re right. There will never be a “perfect” time. So today I finally open my very own kissing booth.
3/13
2020
@pierce_kelley_ @ewarren Do it, Joe #VPWarren
3/6
2020
Moderate Dems https://t.co/sbBbj1nZGE
Retweeted by J Confetti
3/2
2020
I am so fucking sick of watching Elizabeth Warren counted out of a contest that is only just beginning. The woman k… https://t.co/L9HcCqVL8z
Retweeted by J Confetti
2/26
2020
Tom Sawyer has come a long way from his fence-painting days. I have a guess who his running mate will be... VP Huck… https://t.co/mMHvZAO2Tc
1/15
2020
Top 5 scams of all time: -health insurance -Trojan horse -the kardashians -email scams -democracy/multivitamins
1/11
2020
trumps military advisors: what do you wanna do tn? chill at home, go get pizza, or go to Randy’s party? trump: ...… https://t.co/z4u6vJ53uh
1/5
2020
Stand-up is about giving 22 year olds a chance to crack decades-old societal problems
Retweeted by J Confetti
1/2
2019
at my man’s basketball game feeling like we’ve all made great strides in 2019 - did u know a trendy cool style for… https://t.co/Djt3CUvf4g
12/31
2019
It hath begun https://t.co/d0q1cCekdx
Retweeted by J Confetti
12/29
2019
An oreo, but the cream filling is a slice of ham, and the crackers are sharp cheddar, and milk is maybe a nice jam? Call it a charcutoreo.
11/14
2019
@LizAMcShane Lmao ily
10/8
2019
@Dan_Shaughnessy @BostonGlobe I was at the game Wednesday! Had my eye out for you 🙂
9/20
2019
Bond, James Bond. Ternally. Justin, Ternally.
9/15
2019
@LizAMcShane “Can you recommend something new? I’m trying to branch out” @LizAMcShane “Uh oh, I spilled some and soiled myself” @LizAMcShane “Why not, I’ll have a dirty martini” @LizAMcShane “It’s getting late, I really have to grow” @LizAMcShane “No more for me, it’s time to leaf”
8/30
2019
Sports analogies have so much in common with sports - they both involve something flying over my head
7/26
2019
Me and my gals in college: yaaaas let’s drink this BAG of wine & go DAAAANCING Me and my gals now: Ok so what you… https://t.co/uwBqZNr3QJ
Retweeted by J Confetti
7/8
2019
Elizabeth Warren has never asked a bartender “what whiskeys do you have?” She’s already checked the shelf. https://t.co/En8zSSh6rq
Retweeted by J Confetti
6/27
2019
@Hootsuite_Help Hi! I paid for the social marketing certification but it isn't listed in my orders & asks me to pay… https://t.co/y1h0nmxboCplease don't open up a new can of whoop ass when there is already an opened one in the refrigerator
Retweeted by J Confetti
5/4
2019
everybody gangsta until the sleep paralysis start hittin
Retweeted by J Confetti
4/6
2019
Omg I just found out that spinster used to be reserved for women 23-26 and that after you turned 26 if you were unm… https://t.co/0bV9G44m44
Retweeted by J Confetti
3/14
2019
.@NFL Wanna jack up the hits? Swap out the Rams players with real mountain rams #defense #SuperBowlLIII
2/4
2019
Break a leg Tim Brody !!! Literally.
2/3
2018
Freud would have a field penis with this one https://t.co/Scotdq1hNi
Retweeted by J Confetti
11/12
2018
someone asked me if I got my watch in a 25-cent machine and I don’t think they were trying to be mean but it was st… https://t.co/iBMRaBWGaI
5/18
2018
Hahahahahaha https://t.co/9BfapDD6IQ
Retweeted by J Confetti
1/6
2017
The Hound throwing shade at fire guy's top knot was HELLA relevant #GameOfThones
7/17
2016
@HBOGOhelp why can i watch WW on my ipad but not John Oliver on my TV... what did i ever do to you?
11/8
2016
5-year-ago me meant to say, "you'll regret voting trump" https://t.co/79vVe6jk14
10/27
2016
I'd like to eat a sub. But I'd love a sub to eat me. What, I'm into dom subs.
10/26
2016
@AskCapitalOne hey guys I appreciate you raising my limit that 1 time but I'm 25 now & $500 only gets me so many mustache waxing kits
10/18
2016
A donut a day keeps the therapist away
10/13
2016
@ArianaGrande You're a great positive role model for young girls and a big time talent,never let some image maker or muck raker take that!
Retweeted by J Confetti"Trump Humps Pence's Penis" -article headline idea for when we find out that the two of them are secret snuggle buddiesMake America Grope Again #debate
10/10
2016
Helga Clinton #debatenight https://t.co/zuFkTDrKKWHILLARY https://t.co/C5ZaSW3oRW
Retweeted by J ConfettiTiny-handed Racist Underboob sweat Mansplaining Poop stain. #Debates2016Plz include his cheekbones in the list of Things About Trump That Are Highly Unbelievable #contouring #beautiful #Debates2016
9/27
2016
"The iPhone doesn't have a headphone jack but the Galaxy literally explodes" is a perfect metaphor for this election.
Retweeted by J Confetti
9/15
2016
Wait, so Hillary has PNEUMONIA and she's still campaigning as hard as she is? You realize how badass that is, right?
Retweeted by J Confetti
9/12
2016
"It was a gay bar?" "I mean, it's the South End, everything's pretty gay there" "Wait the SOUTH END is the gay part??"
1/1
2015
@deathtosourmix I'm here I'm beer
12/28
2015
Eau de Oink
10/27
2015
In celebration of #LucilleBall, who became the first woman to run a major television production studio in 1962! https://t.co/oupdoHZ11w
Retweeted by J Confetti
8/11
2015
Soldier with burnt hands to commanding officer: "I thought you said seize fire"
8/6
2015
FACT: if you walk faster than someone you're better than them
Retweeted by J Confetti
7/27
2015
It's like rain on your wedding day when there's been a drought & you're happy for others instead of being selfish for once in your life
7/21
2015
A cob of corn A snob of porn A mob, forlorn
7/15
2015
#fame https://t.co/VAsY2HwDdx
7/9
2015
Talk about a fivehead #gaffiganshow https://t.co/WTBHi57rcw
7/4
2015
Waiter: Sweetcorn sir? Me: Uh, yeah. I guess its kinda sweet? Date: He's asking if u want some Me: *flips table* YOU FUCKIN WANT SOME DO YA?
Retweeted by J Confetti
6/24
2015
Praise caffeine in the name of sugar, cream, and the holy bean
6/17
2015
If you don't like to eat the apple peel that just means you're not shallow & probably should take a vitamin supplement
5/7
2015
Did you know: the longer you let a call ring, the cooler you are/become
5/1
2015
People absolutely love when comedians make fun of everything except for the thing they think is more important than all the other things.
Retweeted by J Confetti
4/21
2015
I can't wait to hit the point in life where I'm not buying the cheapest version of any given thing.
Retweeted by J ConfettiMaybe one day a loudly whistled tune coming from a quiet office hallway won't be easily gendered. #probsnotthough #patriarchy
4/16
2014
People whose last name is Dickinson: Hope you know your ancestors were nasty incestuous perverts...shame on you all
12/29
2014
"Hi Mr Christ is Jesus there? ...Hey dude, I know you love red & green but they look fucking awful together on the custom Jordans I got you"
12/22
2014
I'm sorry I blew my nose in your bow tie while you were wearing it
12/19
2014
I know the perfume section is located by the door so people with disabilities can smell their way to the exit but what about the deafnoses?
12/18
2014
Lady in CVS was screaming about Speed Stick and Old Spice... talk about a deodo-rant
12/5
2014
I let so much junk food go to waistIf I had a zebra I'd paint it all black so it'd be my little secret. BUT, twist, it would really be a horse.
11/24
2014
i brew my own Purell
11/20
2014
Do you put your table of contents in your table of contents
11/17
2014

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