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235 Following   244 Followers   1,159 Tweets

Joined Twitter 2/23/15


https://t.co/DAETo77Pvo
1/19
2020
@TheBigAndSexy70 closer than anyone’s gotten. slightly too fundamental @chigginwaffles sounds fucking terrible. no @ammg0618 still don’t get the sweet thing. no way @chigginwaffles wrong. carrots seem like they’re for happy people @29papichulo @JNiggs03 don’t feel good even responding to his handle @Cjcamacho18 no way it’s sweet. get outta here @dakota_driver7 he’d never @masonvanessen when i think of orange as a taste i think citrus. it’s a no from me
1/18
2020
i’ll give someone $1000 if they can tell me what a carrot tastes like in five words or fewer. the catch? i have to… https://t.co/YBw2z0dadzi can’t explain how surreal this is to me https://t.co/JgUegicfjAon a scale of 1-10 i would rate my pain as each and every one of my bones has several much larger bones growing inside of it @22mford the fucking gall it takes to make a song called “Yummy” while everything is crumbling around us
1/17
2020
a fun fact about me is that my neck has been stiff since 1998at the bar, doing impressions of famous people for my friends. they love it when i’m anyone but myself. they crack up
1/16
2020
same https://t.co/VGHLFigPBw🤝 https://t.co/GbrapDtW3njust when things were looking up for Bernie! https://t.co/olRukQjYi1
1/13
2020
@willbordewyk i actually think the world is a cool place
1/11
2020
“I would beg [Bernie] to drop out so I don’t have to keep flying in from LA to do SNL... he’s idestructible, nothin… https://t.co/MSz37ij55g
Retweeted by justin (jets fan)do i have a rich inner life or is my brain melting @moby_dickson ❤️wrote this little ditty the day i realized i loved Mal. she’s 10/10 https://t.co/TNp9Q0ekhP
1/9
2020
https://t.co/TJiWGWME8Fhttps://t.co/LPlfo70ckVhttps://t.co/gBXShk8SLUyou know what they say. another day another dollar spent trying to fill myself with anything that could make me feel even remotely contentthe military is my favoritei wrote about my friend https://t.co/ZW0bVAICmX
1/8
2020
@danielgerling hell yeah. fyi, he loves A&W restaurants, hates Country Girl Floral in Menno, SD, and is lukewarm on the Sanford Pentagon @eligullickson choose your fighterdude who gave Fernson Downtown a 2/5 Google review also reviewed the Atlantic Ocean and the island of Cozumel: https://t.co/UeUWOZkd3Ghttps://t.co/MxT8rYKLqt
1/7
2020
mornin’ https://t.co/UU3RgVmpZHabout to fuck the pizza guy
1/5
2020
citing the statue of liberty as a source in my latest NYT column, “Actually War is Good”
1/3
2020
🇧🇷🍔🇧🇷🍔🇧🇷 https://t.co/PzzaAAaSwN
1/2
2019
https://t.co/waDsoAKWdm
12/29
2019
murchris! how wonderful is Mal? she got me an old Tingus Pingus jersey https://t.co/z7jirqVRES
12/26
2019
most people don’t know this, but the third magi, Nate, had a functional anxiety disorder and didn’t even want to me… https://t.co/dnbcobsyVLmy grandpa used to start every day with the Three Ss: Shit, Shower, and Shave. similarly, i start every day by waki… https://t.co/cTnnv42Opbkiss my neck Santaremember when, for like a year, every online editorial was written in the form of an open letter? i liked that. that was sweetHe Is Risen
12/25
2019
post-shower sweats but all the timeit’s time for some Jets football
12/24
2019
has anyone ever actually met someone with a bumper sticker
12/23
2019
religion itself https://t.co/z8k9ndFiF3
12/20
2019
also https://t.co/0PDZpDO6p1yea https://t.co/Ukue3dj8w1
12/18
2019
@evanarichards @FernsonBrewing https://t.co/7OCGBHB5Vo @csolomon93 everyone knows that tuesdays are notoriously the day that employed people dread the most
12/17
2019
tonight, 8/7c, the Washington Wizard takes on the Phoenix Sun. live from Capitol One Arenahttps://t.co/wepbci28iZ
12/14
2019
obsessed with the idea of ordering pizza by weight instead of relative sizes
12/13
2019
It’s (_\ヽ   \\ .Λ_Λ.    \( ˇωˇ)      > ⌒ヽ    /   へ\ New    /  / \\    レ ノ   ヽ_つ   / /   / /| Beer  ( (… https://t.co/2CWPpvWVnp
Retweeted by justin (jets fan)
12/12
2019
it is simple science that 4wd vehicles go faster than 2wd. think about it for one secondi think if the top step of a ladder is in fact “not a step,” it should simply not exist. just saying! @csolomon93 what a loser!i actually think 15 year olds on tik tok are right about foreign policy @csolomon93 what does this mean. i’m serious
12/11
2019
it’s time for some Jets football @doin_work_2 11:37 a.m.
12/8
2019
@ildicks https://t.co/jgmV1ADFpUhttps://t.co/lTEF2dZ7iI @j_holzer8 @TheCoolJew @dohyoungpark the cool jew
12/6
2019
@Coach_Sage18 anti-capitalisthttps://t.co/y3EKrXkwsRreviewing my miller high life on untappd. nose is corn, grass; taste is corn and cereal. overall, fuck i hate myself
12/5
2019
trivia https://t.co/RwFusrOx6Zi’m so tired of my parents thinking everything i do is a part of some phase. i’m buying Rosetta Stone because i’ve… https://t.co/FQR4lm5cAxit’s time for some jets football
12/3
2019
spared by abortion https://t.co/zxLHRfeRnO @SamBreske @605magazine separate whole spreadmmmm fill me up with that sweet sweet scotch ale. put that 9% scotch ale into my shitty bodyRT (via @605magazine) https://t.co/uutsjNbSaFknow i’ve been tweeting a lot about babies lately but it’s because i find them fascinating and also my arch nemesis is one
12/2
2019
who was the first person to heat something up for consumption and also why did they do thatfor some reason the baby really loves being in this specific ceramic jar at my parents’ house https://t.co/PdD52BXOd3if babies are gonna fuss so much every time they’re getting changed, i think they should simply learn to change themselves
11/30
2019
imagining a Detroit Lions fan who ruins every family thanksgiving by screaming “little bitch” and “cocksucker” repe… https://t.co/7YFx7eQ7ei
11/28
2019
meant to post this awhile ago. Mal and i spent a random afternoon at the Crow Bar throwing darts and gambling away… https://t.co/fpvgvmU0mvi’m at my local cocktail bar, wearing a nike golf polo and the grayest pants, balding obviously. i’m wearing glasse… https://t.co/yjWeQyNJtOi actually think it’s good to wear leather
11/27
2019
i’m so tired of people waking up and immediately looking at their phones. i start each day by sitting perfectly upr… https://t.co/vwiDpjSZRF @j_holzer8 get it together
11/26
2019
🍻🖤🍻 https://t.co/HFNQkjNYcU
11/25
2019
@malllorykb 🤝it’s time for some Jets football @csolomon93 i’m interested in the melodic “sleeeeeeeep” syllable in this...poem?
11/24
2019
@BentzClara i have like ten and will work pro bono
11/23
2019
gonna totally lose it and reply “maybe you ARE on meth” seconds after Kristi Noem tweets anything for the next six months. biden 2020this guy fucks https://t.co/xkUlfpAhfl
11/22
2019
like if you think @evanarichards looks like a meerkat https://t.co/D98MFtSFbj @22mford @OlympusSports1 dreamyhttps://t.co/b1ce5gcq0p
11/21
2019
legend https://t.co/AT9z50IMac
11/20
2019
https://t.co/sSH3lSZ5Ck
11/19
2019
@moby_dickson on the anniversary of Nico’s deathmaking a concept album. so far it’s 27 minutes of welding sounds, a full opera that i recorded in my iphone’s voice… https://t.co/tsCVB8Tiol
11/18
2019

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