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writer, librarian, lesbian willie nelson. dad. NYT bestseller mostly dead things. upcoming: with teeth, a novel & short stories (@riverheadbooks). she/her

1,403 Following   56,112 Followers   93,361 Tweets

Joined Twitter 8/29/08

@heyyoukid415 @KaylaKumari WOW!!!! @heyyoukid415 @KaylaKumari this is cool as helljust told my girlfriend she has Thomas O’Malley energy
Retweeted by Kristen Arnettspirit halloween can open up a new location in my heart there is free real estateMe lip syncing at the grocery store under my mask:
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after i complain about this hell site but then i log on again closest I get to a manicure is when I jam olives on my fingers and pretend I'm a tree frog
Retweeted by Kristen Arnettguess who owns a knives out sweater and lives in miami @PeterKispert 🎉🎉🎉my dog is auditioning for oliver twist @amandamull what a sweet baby - love to you and your family 💗put me in twitter jail! what the fuckmy bra is gonna start charging rentsometimes i wonder if my bra is as tired of housing my tits as i am of putting on a braDoctor: Your body has ran out of magnesium. Me: 0mg
Retweeted by Kristen Arnettprobably good right!! like we’re all at the bar together! anyway i got anxietycan’t tell if it’s good or bad that i’m getting drunk before asking people for blurbs @todgoldberg i own that one too!! god what a fucking great book @livesinpages wow yes @elizmccracken upsettingly excellent!!Mark Ruffalo sounds like the name a dog would give if he was pretending to be a man.
Retweeted by Kristen Arnettwhat’s a book you return to again and again when you want to be reminded of how good writing can be? this is mine,… doesn’t even have all the words in it!!!!! anyway i’m a writer"oh no thanks" i said to every and nothing all at onceI keep rereading this Arthur Sze poem and being newly amazed. The miraculous image of the horse. The shock of “fuck…
Retweeted by Kristen Arnettif i lay here if i just lay here maybe my anxiety will lessengot to chat with @Rumaan about LEAVE THE WORLD BEHIND & MEMORIAL & also food over at @WSJ 🍃🍻🍘
Retweeted by Kristen Arnettme, writing: ugh me, not writing: ugh me, not writing while eating fries: ugh yum
Retweeted by Kristen Arnett @pronounced_ing oh buddywithout downloading new pics, where are you mentally? tl
Retweeted by Kristen Arnett @Kristen_Arnett Okay but imagine calling your morgue “mostly dead things.” The THREATENING AURA of “mostly”
Retweeted by Kristen Arnett @yestervegh okay yes this is Goodi got so many good ideas today!!! (i have had some beers)gonna open a funeral home called “morgue & mindy”October cooking tips
Retweeted by Kristen ArnettWishing I had the confidence of the first-year undergrad I once taught, who, despite having never read Joseph Conra…
Retweeted by Kristen Arnettfinally lit this rainbow boob candle @Kristen_Arnett got for me for my birthday back in’s based on an insi…
Retweeted by Kristen Arnett
@nickwhite1985 💗😍💗😍💗am i theming out the drinks with my dogs scarf? bitch i mighthot date of important insights today!!!! anyway it's happy hour @njooyounkim @NatalieHallak @amylizbishop @parkrowbooks @ReesesBookClub @DGandBTweets hell yeah! congrats!I am 💀
Retweeted by Kristen Arnettgranola is simply a way we punish our teethToday we made our cats a bedroom.
Retweeted by Kristen Arnett @grrreen 💗😌💗they just let me tweet whatever i want on this site, an afflictionwhen you’re on your period and you really need a drink they should call it a beeriod
Retweeted by Kristen Arnettevery day of my life i need a napimagine going back in time and having to describe “new yorker zoom dick” to someoneit’s weird when movies are bad. like wouldnt they want it to be good? I get when tv episodes are bad. but that’s a…
Retweeted by Kristen Arnett @sexualboat wowowow yes"ugh god why do i feel so weird and dehydrated," i said, a human being who is fully dehydrated yet refuses to drink any waterplants rlly be like ‘I do not vibe with this dirt’ and die
Retweeted by Kristen Arnettsnickers witch @donutducky @schaalfan THIS IS NICEgetting my coven together to call the four candy cornersHonored to be part of this benefit reading for @womenshealthwv, West Virginia’s lone remaining abortion provider. P…
Retweeted by Kristen Arnettwho named it “look who’s talking” and not “the born identity”Fun fact: the first librarian to come up in a 'what does a librarian do' google search is @Kristen_Arnett (and the…
Retweeted by Kristen Arnett @schaalfan WOWby this yes i obviously mean nicole kidmanthere are two types of people: those who like to have a lil snack while they are making dinner and then there are the OthersA “beyond burger” implies the existence of a “bed burger ” and a “bath burger”
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Retweeted by Kristen Arnett
@captgreenbomb this is nice!! thanks!Hi hello would just like to tell the world I read @Kristen_Arnett 's Mostly Dead Things in less than 24 hrs and it…
Retweeted by Kristen Arnettwhen the moon is a lil smirky sliver and looks like it just told a really shitty joke it thought was funny that no… absolutely nothing done today because I learned every painting of Ophelia drowning can be edited to make her ju…
Retweeted by Kristen ArnettBecause you want to see baby calf and a chicken as best friends.
Retweeted by Kristen Arnettjust made my girlfriend lady and the tramp a pringle with me @House_Feminist she’s E M O T I O N A Li love this lil freak dog so muchwhen the song really got you in your feelings us a week from tomorrow to welcome @ChrisDStedman and @Kristen_Arnett to talk about Chris's new book IRL!…
Retweeted by Kristen Arnetthad a very excellent time today at my new local bookstore @BooksandBooks and picked up some work by some really gre… lemme tell you............ it is usually the latteroh good it's time for my favorite part of the writing process where i ask myself "is this an idea that makes any se… shared this on a thread but it’s always a good day for this one, for everyone “Don’t you want to believe it? Don… @TaraSkurtu ada limón’s “how to triumph like a girl” @brywashing @heyitsfranklin2 @nytimes 🎉🎉🎉so many thanks to @heyitsfranklin2 for making space for MEMORIAL in the @nytimes 🌱🍛🍻
Retweeted by Kristen Arnett @gothtropolis thank you!!A Good One morning to everyone but especially the two very little kids who played with my dog for awhile this morning on… is what eases the pain of living with other people, language is what makes the wounds come open again. —A…
Retweeted by Kristen ArnettPlacing this gently in your tl in case you find it as relaxing as I do.
Retweeted by Kristen Arnett @Browtweaten LISTEN I’M SORRY @ejreports same!!weezer, god help me don't get why you have to call my wife *librarian ignores me while on phone* "your husband is here trying to check out a book about ramps"
Retweeted by Kristen Arnettwhen you are the last people left on the zoom call so you really work it
@MaraWilson oh my GODrealized recently that i have absolutely no idea what dry cleaning is. don’t even have a guess really
Retweeted by Kristen Arnett @joshgondelman 🎉🍺🎉🍺🎉 @joshgondelman thank you buddy!!!half a beer in and it’s time for some TweetsChonky cat cankles
Retweeted by Kristen Arnett