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writer, librarian, lesbian willie nelson. dad. NYT bestseller mostly dead things. upcoming: with teeth, a novel & short stories (@riverheadbooks). she/her

1,403 Following   56,112 Followers   93,361 Tweets

Joined Twitter 8/29/08


@heyyoukid415 @KaylaKumari WOW!!!! @heyyoukid415 @KaylaKumari this is cool as helljust told my girlfriend she has Thomas O’Malley energy https://t.co/p4tE6Gwgzx
Retweeted by Kristen Arnettspirit halloween can open up a new location in my heart there is free real estateMe lip syncing at the grocery store under my mask: https://t.co/30jeAVUtNL
Retweeted by Kristen Arnett
10/21
2020
after i complain about this hell site but then i log on again https://t.co/BzJoJsNoGHthe closest I get to a manicure is when I jam olives on my fingers and pretend I'm a tree frog
Retweeted by Kristen Arnettguess who owns a knives out sweater and lives in miami https://t.co/cgvQ3QLY61 @PeterKispert 🎉🎉🎉my dog is auditioning for oliver twist https://t.co/wtU0BbnSll @amandamull what a sweet baby - love to you and your family 💗put me in twitter jail! what the fuckmy bra is gonna start charging rentsometimes i wonder if my bra is as tired of housing my tits as i am of putting on a braDoctor: Your body has ran out of magnesium. Me: 0mg
Retweeted by Kristen Arnettprobably good right!! like we’re all at the bar together! anyway i got anxietycan’t tell if it’s good or bad that i’m getting drunk before asking people for blurbs @todgoldberg i own that one too!! god what a fucking great book @livesinpages wow yes @elizmccracken upsettingly excellent!!Mark Ruffalo sounds like the name a dog would give if he was pretending to be a man.
Retweeted by Kristen Arnettwhat’s a book you return to again and again when you want to be reminded of how good writing can be? this is mine,… https://t.co/yRkGKsvDN9this doesn’t even have all the words in it!!!!! anyway i’m a writer"oh no thanks" i said to every and nothing all at onceI keep rereading this Arthur Sze poem and being newly amazed. The miraculous image of the horse. The shock of “fuck… https://t.co/IuDultAtD8
Retweeted by Kristen Arnettif i lay here if i just lay here maybe my anxiety will lessengot to chat with @Rumaan about LEAVE THE WORLD BEHIND & MEMORIAL & also food over at @WSJ 🍃🍻🍘 https://t.co/UgNRDfzaM7
Retweeted by Kristen Arnettme, writing: ugh me, not writing: ugh me, not writing while eating fries: ugh yum
Retweeted by Kristen Arnett @pronounced_ing oh buddywithout downloading new pics, where are you mentally? https://t.co/oKDEDTI4sl https://t.co/GXojIiBjUZcleansing tl https://t.co/9ev6dfsqfJ
Retweeted by Kristen Arnett @Kristen_Arnett Okay but imagine calling your morgue “mostly dead things.” The THREATENING AURA of “mostly”
Retweeted by Kristen Arnett @yestervegh okay yes this is Goodi got so many good ideas today!!! (i have had some beers)gonna open a funeral home called “morgue & mindy”October cooking tips https://t.co/TqpWKrD0Gz
Retweeted by Kristen ArnettWishing I had the confidence of the first-year undergrad I once taught, who, despite having never read Joseph Conra… https://t.co/08Ke6cPYKS
Retweeted by Kristen Arnettfinally lit this rainbow boob candle @Kristen_Arnett got for me for my birthday back in May...it’s based on an insi… https://t.co/mu9F4paJib
Retweeted by Kristen Arnett
10/20
2020
@nickwhite1985 💗😍💗😍💗am i theming out the drinks with my dogs scarf? bitch i mighthot date https://t.co/eSFNyolbm3lot of important insights today!!!! anyway it's happy hour @njooyounkim @NatalieHallak @amylizbishop @parkrowbooks @ReesesBookClub @DGandBTweets hell yeah! congrats!I am 💀 https://t.co/RaubZKYrWw
Retweeted by Kristen Arnettgranola is simply a way we punish our teethToday we made our cats a bedroom. https://t.co/CbZpdrK2b4
Retweeted by Kristen Arnett @grrreen 💗😌💗they just let me tweet whatever i want on this site, an afflictionwhen you’re on your period and you really need a drink they should call it a beeriodhttps://t.co/pBP9jFAzdO
Retweeted by Kristen Arnettevery day of my life i need a napimagine going back in time and having to describe “new yorker zoom dick” to someoneit’s weird when movies are bad. like wouldnt they want it to be good? I get when tv episodes are bad. but that’s a… https://t.co/OcWIxx9het
Retweeted by Kristen Arnett @sexualboat wowowow yes"ugh god why do i feel so weird and dehydrated," i said, a human being who is fully dehydrated yet refuses to drink any waterplants rlly be like ‘I do not vibe with this dirt’ and die
Retweeted by Kristen Arnettsnickers witch @donutducky @schaalfan THIS IS NICEgetting my coven together to call the four candy cornersHonored to be part of this benefit reading for @womenshealthwv, West Virginia’s lone remaining abortion provider. P… https://t.co/zVfJYQD8wA
Retweeted by Kristen Arnettwho named it “look who’s talking” and not “the born identity”Fun fact: the first librarian to come up in a 'what does a librarian do' google search is @Kristen_Arnett (and the… https://t.co/lyJXL2c7OI
Retweeted by Kristen Arnett @schaalfan WOWby this yes i obviously mean nicole kidmanthere are two types of people: those who like to have a lil snack while they are making dinner and then there are the OthersA “beyond burger” implies the existence of a “bed burger ” and a “bath burger”
Retweeted by Kristen Arnetthttps://t.co/7VG8z99OZD
Retweeted by Kristen Arnett
10/19
2020
@captgreenbomb this is nice!! thanks!Hi hello would just like to tell the world I read @Kristen_Arnett 's Mostly Dead Things in less than 24 hrs and it… https://t.co/xGQT3UMf3l
Retweeted by Kristen Arnettwhen the moon is a lil smirky sliver and looks like it just told a really shitty joke it thought was funny that no… https://t.co/DJqOdJsuhQGot absolutely nothing done today because I learned every painting of Ophelia drowning can be edited to make her ju… https://t.co/EpU50RZysw
Retweeted by Kristen ArnettBecause you want to see baby calf and a chicken as best friends. https://t.co/TiLm5MsJCF
Retweeted by Kristen Arnettjust made my girlfriend lady and the tramp a pringle with me @House_Feminist she’s E M O T I O N A Li love this lil freak dog so muchwhen the song really got you in your feelings https://t.co/5PH3urFmZgJoin us a week from tomorrow to welcome @ChrisDStedman and @Kristen_Arnett to talk about Chris's new book IRL!… https://t.co/Ocq0LTtsYO
Retweeted by Kristen Arnetthad a very excellent time today at my new local bookstore @BooksandBooks and picked up some work by some really gre… https://t.co/52AsMRuCwrbuddy lemme tell you............ it is usually the latteroh good it's time for my favorite part of the writing process where i ask myself "is this an idea that makes any se… https://t.co/Pbv51WxUV1i shared this on a thread but it’s always a good day for this one, for everyone “Don’t you want to believe it? Don… https://t.co/CPoE7aaI8j @TaraSkurtu ada limón’s “how to triumph like a girl” https://t.co/wMoyWYc8J2 @brywashing @heyitsfranklin2 @nytimes 🎉🎉🎉so many thanks to @heyitsfranklin2 for making space for MEMORIAL in the @nytimes 🌱🍛🍻 https://t.co/7vvWhFwZYC
Retweeted by Kristen Arnett @gothtropolis thank you!!A Good One https://t.co/f3kobEUuz7good morning to everyone but especially the two very little kids who played with my dog for awhile this morning on… https://t.co/4O0IAyYL3sLanguage is what eases the pain of living with other people, language is what makes the wounds come open again. —A… https://t.co/V0zmSWcKAX
Retweeted by Kristen ArnettPlacing this gently in your tl in case you find it as relaxing as I do. https://t.co/m4ZmZH1Hjf
Retweeted by Kristen Arnett @Browtweaten LISTEN I’M SORRY @ejreports same!!weezer, god help me https://t.co/5vvyBOR9vEI don't get why you have to call my wife *librarian ignores me while on phone* "your husband is here trying to check out a book about ramps"
Retweeted by Kristen Arnettwhen you are the last people left on the zoom call so you really work it https://t.co/nO9eXMaoZU
10/18
2020
@MaraWilson oh my GODrealized recently that i have absolutely no idea what dry cleaning is. don’t even have a guess really
Retweeted by Kristen Arnett @joshgondelman 🎉🍺🎉🍺🎉 @joshgondelman thank you buddy!!!half a beer in and it’s time for some TweetsChonky cat cankles https://t.co/uagp7dyvVr
Retweeted by Kristen Arnett
10/17
2020

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