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Female cracksman of the nifty.

400 Following   138 Followers   11,108 Tweets

Joined Twitter 10/21/09


How old I am, without using a number: I used my birthday money to buy a Swiffer. #soexcited #swifferbiscuitshttps://t.co/Bh1lbdSUEu
1/21
2020
Blatant attempt at reproducing my favorite bakery’s pecan shortbread cookies, which are like delicious hockey pucks… https://t.co/miO54ucjT4I used @Amtrak to travel last fall. Planned to use them again but will find another conveyance if this isn’t resolv… https://t.co/HCOJ95q5D8
1/18
2020
“Hey, Shannon, did you spring a surprise birthday lunch of mochiko chicken, Hawaiian mac salad, and Bacardi rum cak… https://t.co/BNW1Z6IpPJThe last two slices of my birthday chocolate orange torte (GF with toasted almond flour) from Taco Tuesday. So dark… https://t.co/GibBLOOlkG
1/15
2020
@nkjemisin @StephenKing THIS RIGHT HERE
1/14
2020
@ChironArmand I needed to hear this. Thank you.THE LESBIAN FLAG IS JUST BACON AND YOU CAN'T CONVINCE ME OTHERWISE. https://t.co/hMFDjR9U2d
Retweeted by MercutiaNot a *great* selfie from the balcony of the Rex Theater in Galax, but you can see Breakin’ Up Christmas going on i… https://t.co/ue0v8QPiKw
1/11
2020
In 2020 let’s kill the narrative that overweight individuals are automatically advocating for any sort of lifestyle… https://t.co/Ygx7DHupNH
Retweeted by Mercutia @AM2DM @JillianMichaels Just gonna leave this here for you @JillianMichaels https://t.co/E5b0C4YXNz
Retweeted by Mercutia"Barbara Hillary skied into the North Pole on April 23, 2007. At age 75, she became the first African-American woma… https://t.co/54GYFkmKaA
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1/9
2020
Remember when the late John "supposedly the last bastion of 'bipartisan dignity' but actually a piece of shit" McCa… https://t.co/OvI1vIMCrI
Retweeted by Mercutia...the same as in 2003. My country is killing people and most people who live here could not tell you why. If we wa… https://t.co/IIOjjnkvQF
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1/5
2020
Zillion dollar idea: They should have local commercial jingles at karaoke.
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1/2
2020
Luke never met either Finn or Poe So what they do behind closed doors I guess I'll never know... But I would like… https://t.co/A2zNHt23c7
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1/1
2019
Crockpot pot roast. Refrigerating the juice separately from the meat to get the fat to rise to the top, then making… https://t.co/OPZbdDDacr
12/30
2019
WISE MAN #1: I brought gold for the babe WISE MAN #2: frankincense WISE MAN #3: myrrh ME: *pulls out Chili’s gift card* I hate you guys
Retweeted by MercutiaCHARLIE BROWN: happy holidays! CHARLIE BROWN’S PARENTS: wampwahwahwah CHARLIE BROWN: it’s not a war on Christmas, i… https://t.co/a2wAUUq1Iz
Retweeted by MercutiaME: so it’s a gun... INVESTORS: we’ll pass ME: ...that shoots chicken nuggets straight into your mouth... INVESTORS… https://t.co/k70IoUmM96
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12/27
2019
If no one has told you yet, Merry Christmas. I am so glad you exist.
Retweeted by MercutiaHeart of Darkness https://t.co/QQZ9ENEpxA @TheOGKennedy @T_Rdz5623 Then we know where your sis gets it from because continuing to make mac n cheese after she… https://t.co/cQhKdmdLk2
12/26
2019
Once-a-year marzipan cookies for part of my best friend’s Christmas present. Nummy. #baking #Christmascookieshttps://t.co/cNkjLWElVQ
12/24
2019
@MintJaan @chrisfluming The Alien Vs Predator of our time.
12/18
2019
@intelligentwat You’re BRILLIANT.
12/17
2019
gooooob morning. i know you’ve got a lot going on right now. so i wanted to mention. i think you’re doing great
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12/16
2019
Feelin’ it. #merrywhateverjustpassthedip https://t.co/BP7hU6B3p2Vatrushkas, pt. 2. Filled, risen once more and brushed with egg yolk, and fresh from the oven. They’ll be served on… https://t.co/AUqRVEzrtV @intelligentwat You are incorrect, if still adorable.Making vatrushkas for my friend’s Christmas party. They’re little yeasted Russian pastries that get a sweet cheese… https://t.co/D68ahGu2qW
12/13
2019
@theladyalx @chaninicholas My Virgo ascendant is right behind you (LITERALLY, even).At Laura’s, making our annual prekmurska gibanica (Eastern European strudel cake). #weretotalbadasseshttps://t.co/tPU5Dqh1uL
12/12
2019
Here’s the Golden Banana Moray Eel https://t.co/D5ST7F2DG2
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12/9
2019
This thread is BRILLIANT https://t.co/tL0cbk5JJM
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12/8
2019
@intelligentwat I feel like maybe sending you my colonoscopy pics *was* a bit much, in retrospect. #sorry
12/4
2019
@Pockwind @TheBloggess I LAUGHED SO HARD
12/2
2019
@intelligentwat Known in the trade as “the Pennywise treatment.” @intelligentwat Oh, me too. Plus my NEVERENDING LOVE for Frodo.
12/1
2019
Shout out to the top 5 berries in the world, straw, blue, cran, Halle and dingle.
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11/29
2019
The best way to abuse or oppress someone is to tell them they are not allowed to get/appear angry. Anger is what mo… https://t.co/FwQylClmlZ
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11/27
2019
@intelligentwat Doggo says your depression is lying and he’s gonna pee on it for you. https://t.co/1PyPNh7xo8
11/26
2019
My soon to be former coworker Shaina, showing the original Card of Shame and its natural evolution into the anti-tr… https://t.co/kZLcIF7VYz
11/25
2019
@Weebeasty READ THIS, HAVE DIED, PLZ SEND FLOWERS THANXLast hour. Down to coffee toffee cookies and gingerbread biscotti. #crunchyanddelicioushttps://t.co/v9iybhJAdEApparently I’m the ONLY baked goods vendor at the Mount Airy, NC Christmas bazaar. Lower level gym at the Reeves Co… https://t.co/x0N2OnO2LP
11/23
2019
@AnneWheaton How about my personal favorite, HAIR LOSS? Or maybe it’s just that hair gets very stiff and migrates t… https://t.co/CMANHUcVFZ
11/22
2019
@rmmcghie_ Also I guess there’s a practical case to be made for putting white characters in these roles to create e… https://t.co/jTvdFLKA6U @rmmcghie_ I really want to like Viggo Mortenson but he played another white savior type in Hidalgo. Might be worth… https://t.co/JK9YZ8X7LU @gman2oo1 @ChesyaBurke IMO, if white, it would have been almost comedy that he died. With a black character (intere… https://t.co/zz4hGONCPg @Dillon51601335 @ChesyaBurke Robert Downey Jr expressed support for the next Iron Man-type character in the MCU to… https://t.co/4FPPuN05ZI @metallikatos I am not a million percent sure what's going on here but I'm positive your coworker is exactly as ann… https://t.co/RcZMUnsuQ2
11/21
2019
@chrisfluming Bring that energy to your first colonoscopy and they'll give you extra drugs. #protip @AtomicOvermind Oh my GOD. *explosive laughter*
11/20
2019
Made my first-ever pan of butter mochi. I may sell this at the Mount Airy Christmas bazaar next weekend; we’ll see.… https://t.co/eldJAuIja5
11/17
2019
@megelison Is this Airbnb in Nightvale?SOLDT RIGHT OUT. Still got brownies and cranberry walnut oatmeal squares. #bakedgoods #christmasbazaarhttps://t.co/Z7VlgU1m4mSelling baked goods in the first floor gym of the Galax Rec Center, right there as you walk in from the lobby. Toda… https://t.co/0Mkz44aLUe
11/16
2019
@chrisfluming Is this “Pirates of Penzance” and where do I get tickets?
11/15
2019
@kibblesmith Big Trouble in Little Chin Hostbusters The Everending Story Star Wars: A New Hop Lash of the Titans… https://t.co/A7Y4PlJBek @gannet_guts Mine’s been slow af
11/12
2019
Straight women really need to admire our patience. Every week a GODDESS with a MASTER'S DEGREE who speaks FIVE LANG… https://t.co/ZITMfezfnv
Retweeted by Mercutia @Graytamb @bwalls27 @thaliathe1st @Mer_Squared I LAUGHED SO HARD
11/11
2019
@RaxKingIsDead My question being, how was she about it? Did she maintain an alluring, gothy detachment like a lady… https://t.co/kq2GkNhYeHscarjo: *says this* y’all: yOU rAPisT deFeNdiNg bITch !!!!🤢🤢🤮🤮🤬🤬🤬 jeff goldblum: *says the exact same thing* y’al… https://t.co/ouYT6T6MLM
Retweeted by Mercutiatry to say “oh yeah?” without sounding sarcastic or horny. u can’t
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11/8
2019
@intelligentwat *ALL THE HUGS*
11/7
2019
I've told y'all time and time again, my father's obsession with my (nonexistent) sexual activity is what made me in… https://t.co/3rqnZJ6oQj
Retweeted by Mercutia @DesiJed I’m not saying I feel good about laughing, I’m just saying I did.I am so, so sick of "BUT LOST PRODUCTIVITY!!1!1!" as a justification for anything
Retweeted by MercutiaThis thread is magic and accurate. Also, fuck you. https://t.co/Dt6S3GNB1j
Retweeted by Mercutiathe new Kentucky Democratic Governor should immediately put a transgender bathroom in Mitch McConnell's favorite Cracker Barrel
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11/6
2019
My left boob voted in today’s local election and encourages you to do the same. #getoutthevotehttps://t.co/qlbmq8W3js
11/5
2019
@pattonoswalt Is this how comedians have sex? It is, isn’t it?
11/4
2019
@chrisfluming Fun Fact: the creature from that film got started as an extra on the first Jurassic Park movie.
11/3
2019
I guess Nicole Wallace has had it with the motherfucking snakes on this motherfucking plane. https://t.co/BCa1akOCzO
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10/31
2019
Picture of the pier at the N.C. Aquarium on Roanoke Island from 2017 (playing with filters). #ncaquariumhttps://t.co/ODIQpDClMs
10/28
2019
I don’t know who needs to hear this but it’s ok to go to bed. Plz RT
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10/27
2019
At friends’ house. They *insist* they don’t have a private cemetery but they were fine with me going off alone to l… https://t.co/VRQdu2f2TMIn light of the Harvey Weinstein watching comedy NYC incident - it’s so clear that women comics are the ones with g… https://t.co/nPW6dE32q4
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10/26
2019
Imagine you’re a man, and you’re in a room with a known rapist, and then you boo a woman for pointing out there’s a… https://t.co/JWaJgT7LeE
Retweeted by Mercutia @ambiej I really urge you to watch the videos in here. The stand up comedian who decided to confront "the elephant… https://t.co/UGo0MWlpWN
Retweeted by MercutiaActress caught on camera ripping into Harvey Weinstein at Manhattan event https://t.co/sHKEkZH8Xt https://t.co/EMznKuo4gB
Retweeted by MercutiaIs having “no filter” just a way to avoid empathy?
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10/25
2019
So today I looked at the big boss’s shirt (pictured here) and said out loud, “We need cupcakes with frosting the sa… https://t.co/D6OC1oGVUC
10/24
2019
“Hey, Shannon, do you ever use that light board to make terrible puns about neurotransmitters that reference Ramone… https://t.co/0mCtrAb0C8
10/23
2019
@chrisfluming Please add tour dates in D.C., Virginia, and N.C.!Today would have been Carrie Fisher's 63rd birthday. We're remembering the legendary actress and writer with a thro… https://t.co/GwyiQ7nNT4
Retweeted by Mercutia @chrisfluming I feel like this is R-rated but I can’t adequately explain why.
10/22
2019
@intelligentwat Ooooh, cool! @chrisfluming I am neither an equestrian nor a dancer and yet I know in my bones this is pure truth.
10/18
2019
THERAPIST: Explain to me how you feel left out ME: Well for example, it just feels like there are a lot of conversa… https://t.co/YrKF9cBz2J
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10/17
2019
@intelligentwat Crushin' it for that candy.The rise of social media has been such a huge advancement in the ability to figure out when someone has grown tired of you
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10/12
2019
CENTRIST: A person who thinks concentration camps are regrettable but will defend to the death Ellen's right to be… https://t.co/KBi9SZiWMM
Retweeted by Mercutia @goblinpaladin @CateSpice The thrust of this whole conversation is just silly. @augusten @sfinnamore I love this picture. @chrisfluming I canNOT stop watching this and frankly I'm OK with that.
10/11
2019
@MarkRuffalo THANK YOU. Niceness is pointless in this case.
10/10
2019

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