Sign in with Twitter

Username:

Lily Meyer @lilyymeyyer Boston, MA 02115, USA

a comic one time in Boston // insta @lilyymeyyer

456 Following   284 Followers   1,277 Tweets

Joined Twitter 7/31/12


People who lift, I now understand what were training for.
9/23
2020
“Not to be a bitch, but...” means I’m about to be a raging cunt
9/15
2020
Dawn employee: I have an idea for a commercial! Dawn CEO: does it include a duck covered in oil? Dawn employee: we… https://t.co/XQwEB2k60eIt’s crazy that people are people no matter what. Like some people have no anxiety or depression it’s like how do I… https://t.co/4rTvaGypwV
9/12
2020
The pope wears that big hat cause Jesus is under there controlling him Ratatouille style
Retweeted by Lily MeyerThere is no form of protest against racism that is acceptable to racists.
Retweeted by Lily MeyerPeople that are agnostic, it’s like alright, make a decision about something that no one has the right answer to an… https://t.co/Bm4K1PHx35I matched with a hipster on hinge and I asked a question and he responded with lyrics to a weird YouTube video song… https://t.co/QM8o9ClizU
9/11
2020
@JonathanTillson Yes you could, believe in yourselfNo more “felt cute might delete later”. We all can see that you’re hot in that pic. Just be proud of your hot pic.… https://t.co/RSjQEr13HS @willnoonan honestly the vibes weren’t right and I had to get outta there and I know how I sound saying that 😅I do not recommend smoking weed as a first date, it’s fun in theory, and thinking of excuses to go home to your couch in practiceThe food network should just donate $10,000 to a deserving chef on a weekly basis rather than make chefs go through… https://t.co/luxzsSq4GF
9/9
2020
*does well in school play* Normal Person: That was fun! Idiot: This should be my job.
Retweeted by Lily Meyer
9/7
2020
@JonathanTillson @ClosetDyslexic So selfless 🖤🖤Life insurance is insane, like we need money if we die so our family isn’t fucked, thats fucked
9/6
2020
I lost my bike lock key, someone come steal my bike so I don’t have to deal with it, thank you
9/5
2020
The youngest child in a scary movie is always right, why are people not believing them????
8/27
2020
Wish I could unprogram people from seeing my nude body
8/26
2020
Men be like “yea yea I’m clean I got checked 2 years ago”
8/24
2020
@erinmatthews27 Can you send him my number? I need a dentist
8/22
2020
I have gone into anaphylactic shock at least 20 times and never gone to the ER cause I’m not like other girlsMy hand fell asleep, can’t believe I’m finally getting laidCats dry food is food at home, wet food is takeoutIf Rebecca black can escape Friday, you can do anything
8/21
2020
Oh no I drank a whole french press of coffee and now I can’t breatheDo I have depression? Do animals each have their own language, like us, and we just can’t understand them? I don’t… https://t.co/5bfqMD5VhxI do this everyday, then swipe for 3 minutes, then give up https://t.co/TcH7p5FOHc
8/20
2020
I’ve been eating a lot of stone fruit recently. If I put on a frock, I’m full cottage core.I’m moving 9/1, which is why I haven’t cleaned my room in 18 monthsI don’t wanna date a guy who works out, but goes to the gym cause of depression. Very different.saw a guy going for a run without shoes on the Boston sidewalks, are we surprised he also wasn’t wear a mask? And n… https://t.co/ei4cYpY1KD
8/19
2020
Our grandkids are gonna be like “was prohibition fun?”, which was just when weed was illegal. Speakeasy’s are a friend of a friend’s house.
8/18
2020
Sometimes my motivation is “this will make my high school crush regret not giving me a chance” when they not only n… https://t.co/NwuxkLC0fnRestaurant patron contracts Covid after screaming at server because steak was overcooked, when he requested the ste… https://t.co/xsS2KCWe7q @monica_carroll Oh no, please do ❤️❤️ @monica_carroll That’s Wisconsin’s thing, are we even friends??I’m fun to date if you like cheese (why is this in my drafts and what did I mean?)why every female rapper gotta be a role model to preschool age girls???? FUCK THEM KIDS
Retweeted by Lily Meyer
8/13
2020
The comedic moment where someone angrily gets out of a car but the door is locked is *chefs kiss* never gets oldI’m so dramatic that I like to imagine whose lives I could fuck up with my sudden death
8/8
2020
A dudes dating profile said “online dating is weird” and “first round is on me. Hopefully you will be too.” YEAH CA… https://t.co/YJ4how6MSI
8/7
2020
I’ve been poo-ing myself a lot lately https://t.co/oe53u5CCVYWhat’s your favorite feeling? Mine is waking up very tired and looking at the clock only to realize that you have m… https://t.co/2Qy4S0aPX6Normalize working out in the same oversized gym shorts and ts you’ve had since high school
7/31
2020
@augusta_emma HAwhat is laughing but nervous hyperventilation @izzydarosa I like this analysis, I can wait until 50 to be a true adultI don’t wanna be the one that got away, I want to be the friend that you regret ditching when the new girl came to schoolWho chose 18 as adult age? I propose 35
7/30
2020
I take all credit for this, that dip ruins lives https://t.co/0iNPqQX4oDme in Twitter: in the past week I’ve bought my first car, blacked out and decided I have a binge drinking problem f… https://t.co/Tn78TRgSkc
7/29
2020
A dating app for people who wear masks and condoms
7/28
2020
The person who dumped their highschool pothead bf at 15 cause they smoked too much weed now loves to discuss indica and sativa at 28
7/27
2020
When I ask a guy if he’s sleeping with anyone else https://t.co/pAkGa1hSvsIf my friends could please throw me a surprise intervention for my 27th birthday, that would be great, thanks
7/26
2020
damn it taylor swift can make u stay up too late crying
7/24
2020
On my moms tombstone it will read “just a quick reminder to make a dentist appointment”No more “what ___ are you” accounts, I am my dads long legs and moms low alcohol tolerance
7/22
2020
I’m honestly glad dating is cancelled cause my stress BO is getting unmanageable
7/21
2020
@monica_carroll I knew there was a reason for our friendshipour dinosaurs are ready to eat the rich
Retweeted by Lily Meyer
7/17
2020
@FelixTomlinson But rhymesWere you a “never eat soggy wheat” or a “never eat soggy waffles” kid?If you have never woken yourself up with your own fart in the bed of a lover then we will never understand each other @DanCrohn I can’t waitI bought 2 pairs of sweatshorts yesterday and I swear to god this is a positive step towards bettering myself
7/16
2020
Frank from Shameless is a libertarian which I think is the best definition of libertarianismintermittent fasting is great because it allows straight men to ethically appropriate eating disorder culture
Retweeted by Lily Meyer
7/14
2020
@logieobie Wow thank you so much I forgot!Me eating my best friends when I discover they’re all made of cake. https://t.co/9d6Rlsrvks
Retweeted by Lily Meyer @erinmatthews27 We StanThis is how I usually waste my therapy session https://t.co/fL3S63f9O8I stopped trusting myself back in 2008, the day I stepped into the shower with socks on
7/13
2020
Can we all just admit that Shakespeare has been done enough, I’m over it, time to move on
7/12
2020
No man will ever get me like the tik tok algorithmIt’s kinda crazy that Dexter is a show that humanizes white male serial killersTwitter is both heaven and hell and I believe in neither
7/10
2020
YOU ARE NOT BETTER THAN PEOPLE IN THE SOUTH—THREAD! https://t.co/rsGNve0Tn6
Retweeted by Lily MeyerI got a “maybe: Louie” text today and I thought an old lover was tryna hit this booty but anyway if anyone is looki… https://t.co/Yl2m2GBymj @ClosetDyslexic Hahahahaha
7/9
2020
@Rob_Greene Oh yea I used to sweat a lot trying not to die of dysentery on the Oregon trail @ClosetDyslexic Hahaha it would be so much worse and Amazon would only sell booksWhat if covid happened in the 90s? Like every family member using the desktop at once tf?Someone better explain the difference between “popular on Netflix” and “trending now” before I lose it
7/8
2020
Can presidents not be on reality tv as a prerequisite?
7/5
2020
shane dawson: https://t.co/WWwaPzUyF0
Retweeted by Lily Meyer @erinmatthews27 I didn’t read the entire thing cause I got bored but I liked cause I love u 🖤🖤
7/3
2020
this. exactly this. https://t.co/MqsJrLvL7e
Retweeted by Lily Meyer
7/2
2020
@crileyariver94 Hahahahaha fav replyIt’s always interesting to see racists humanized in ways black people are never afforded.
Retweeted by Lily MeyerRemember when it was cool to be a girl with a lot of male friends? Ew.
7/1
2020
Normalize crying in the 7-eleven“if not, no worries!” - me sexting
Retweeted by Lily MeyerSomeone described me as “not afraid to be uncool”, which is an amazing compliment and very mean
6/30
2020
@LordPancreas @rajandelman Ugh not another thing for Jeff Bezos’s @ljabouttown Yes, let’s just start over, I like that idea
6/29
2020
I’m SO glad I didn’t peak in high school cause it’s so exciting to sit around and wait for your peak to happen @AustinIsntFunny 👋🏻
6/28
2020

0