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Lisabug BBQJonze @Lisabug74 San Francisco, CA

She/Her. I’m married to @tomjonze. I love food and I'm addicted to true crime. I prefer dark & twisted humor. Welcome to Lisa World! #dog #cat #food #truecrime

8,244 Following   19,614 Followers   164,376 Tweets

Joined Twitter 3/22/11


I know the secret to time travel but if I told you I'd have to kill your great-grandfather.
Retweeted by Lisabug BBQJonzeTo the makers of Clue: If it’s clearly labeled as a SECRET PASSAGE and everyone in the game knows about it, it’s just a passage.
Retweeted by Lisabug BBQJonzeHaving a secret volcano base and a private army is sweet but I miss the days when I was just a crazy kid with a giant laser gun and a dream.
Retweeted by Lisabug BBQJonzeShe used to be "Victor". That's the secret.
Retweeted by Lisabug BBQJonzeI believe a secret group of toddlers with flashlights controls the world. Yes the illuminaughty.
Retweeted by Lisabug BBQJonzeI always fall down some stupid rabbit hole on here and come out feeling icky
Retweeted by Lisabug BBQJonzeI'm in the kind of mood where only Matzah balls will do.
Retweeted by Lisabug BBQJonze“Look here, Hoss: I don’t know where you 𝙩𝙝𝙞𝙣𝙠 you’re going, but I’m gonna need you to turn yourself around and hea… https://t.co/xZajWNNcWu
Retweeted by Lisabug BBQJonzeME: Is it "wax" paper, or "waxed" paper? SURGEON: I meant, questions about the procedure.
Retweeted by Lisabug BBQJonzeErnest Hemingway was an unmitigated ass, but I DO appreciate his insight on adverbs.
Retweeted by Lisabug BBQJonzeNOT TODAY, SATAN -me every time I get an email notification today
Retweeted by Lisabug BBQJonzeHim: I bought you a ring for Christmas Me: *rolls eyes* I don't need more jewelry Him: no a Ring - like the vide… https://t.co/5JY5h88iAL
Retweeted by Lisabug BBQJonze*replaces your Fruity Pebbles with Grape-Nuts
Retweeted by Lisabug BBQJonzeI keep a lawn chair in my trunk for those tense moments when someone honks at me for my parking spot
Retweeted by Lisabug BBQJonzeI always forget. Is it never shake a cat and babies always land on their feet or is it the other way around?
Retweeted by Lisabug BBQJonzeTwitter is a landfill. I just watched liposuction because I couldn’t mind my own business.
Retweeted by Lisabug BBQJonze[at Victoria’s Secret] Her: Sir...may I help you? Me (with panties looped around my ears and wearing like a mask): I’m good, thanks.
Retweeted by Lisabug BBQJonzeLooking forward to the 2020 holiday newsletters from people who usually brag about their amazing vacations.
Retweeted by Lisabug BBQJonze @HappySlut5691 https://t.co/dM2vb7SKtOI accidentally disguised myself as approachable again, by smiling. When will I ever learn?!
Retweeted by Lisabug BBQJonzeI can't die yet. I still don't understand tapioca.
Retweeted by Lisabug BBQJonzesomeone you love is struggling right now. anxiety, depression, and sadness hits different this time of year. reach… https://t.co/zNtM6dd3Kz
Retweeted by Lisabug BBQJonzeI keep misremembering the lines from my favorite scene in Butch Cassidy and the Sundance Kid and this is just slapdash of me and I hate it.
Retweeted by Lisabug BBQJonzeIs it normal for a credit card to spontaneously combust?
Retweeted by Lisabug BBQJonzeA secret off shore account but for snacks I don't want to share.
Retweeted by Lisabug BBQJonzeOne of those compression vacuum storage systems but for the skeletons in my closet.
Retweeted by Lisabug BBQJonzeMe: Here's your Secret Santa gift. *CW opens gift. Snake bites her* Me: Australian Death Adder. Guess who's not… https://t.co/73LjM2F5kl
Retweeted by Lisabug BBQJonzeIsn't it fun having a secret? Nobody knows you're eating for two. Just you and your tapeworm.
Retweeted by Lisabug BBQJonze @ibleedeaglesgr1 @junejuly12 https://t.co/aov6qJ5hm9Things that are top: -shelf -less -secret -notch -coat -pings
Retweeted by Lisabug BBQJonzeSquirrel Thoughts "I think the other squirrels are hiding things from me."
Retweeted by Lisabug BBQJonzeI always knew life was not a prelude but I never expected it to be a seclude.
Retweeted by Lisabug BBQJonzeMy secret handshake is just me high-fiving my dog.
Retweeted by Lisabug BBQJonze*finds my secret stash of snacks that I forgot I secretly stashed*
Retweeted by Lisabug BBQJonzeI’m wearing the same jeans today that I wore yesterday, but don’t tell anyone.
Retweeted by Lisabug BBQJonzeVictoria's Secret is that my ass never looks as good in panties as the models, but I keep buying all of their crap anyway.
Retweeted by Lisabug BBQJonzeYou call it Secret Santa, I call it Regifting Time. Potato, potahto.
Retweeted by Lisabug BBQJonzePassword must include one capital letter, one lowercase letter, the square root of pi, a proof of Fermat’s Last The… https://t.co/jn4iGWqNEq
Retweeted by Lisabug BBQJonze“I’ll tell you what the 11 secret herbs and spices are if you tell me how you do the trick with the wine.” https://t.co/YDJpvSAVAx
Retweeted by Lisabug BBQJonzeThe secret is brown sugar and molasses. https://t.co/pFuMZTNzJE
Retweeted by Lisabug BBQJonze"My lingerie is mass produced, overpriced and not that flattering. Shhhhhh." -Victoria's Secret
Retweeted by Lisabug BBQJonzeNo more nudes in Playboy & now no more Victoria's Secret catalog. I may never get another paper cut again.
Retweeted by Lisabug BBQJonze"Are you a secret shopper? You have to admit it if I ask. It's the law." "That's only for narcs." "That so… https://t.co/1Y4qJbMrqM
Retweeted by Lisabug BBQJonzeMy son is learning morse code just so he can fart secret messages.
Retweeted by Lisabug BBQJonze @SlummyM 😂😂🤔Learn to side step drama Set your boundaries or you will become an emotional tampon.
Retweeted by Lisabug BBQJonzePeople who have "retweets are not endorsements" in their bio imply the existence of a parallel reality in which ret… https://t.co/cynlvySOwB
Retweeted by Lisabug BBQJonze
12/1
2020
Wouldn't mind a verified Twitter, but last time I was "verified," judge at dog show examined my bits to see if I was "intact." No thanks.
Retweeted by Lisabug BBQJonze @HockeySkates3 Interesting 🤔😂I called my friends fuckers tonight. They were shocked. I forgot they aren't on Twitter. I've got to be more careful.
Retweeted by Lisabug BBQJonzeLet’s mess with the sharks and then act shocked when they bite. Idiots on Shark Week
Retweeted by Lisabug BBQJonze @therealjoeyboer @WhaJoTalkinBout @Pork_Chop_Hair Because the chicken was courageous, and everyone else cried fowl.german porn is just so weird https://t.co/76Xc1OowGn
Retweeted by Lisabug BBQJonzeHappy Father's Day to all those shocked & incredulous dudes who make the Maury Povich Show so fun.
Retweeted by Lisabug BBQJonzeA lot of people are shocked to learn that I’m still single. Especially my wife.
Retweeted by Lisabug BBQJonzeMe: I am a responsible, functioning adult. Also Me: *sometimes forgets I’m driving while I’m driving*
Retweeted by Lisabug BBQJonzeI’m excited about the cornbread we’re having with dinner tonight. After that I’ll probably watch Matlock and call it a night.
Retweeted by Lisabug BBQJonzeI used to nap during preschool but now I’m an IT professional and teacher’s aide.
Retweeted by Lisabug BBQJonze @Chalkarts @sweetmomissa And my lack of deodorant, probably.Me: I am surprised at how winded I am by this exercise!! Personal Trainer: This was the tour of the gym.
Retweeted by Lisabug BBQJonzeLast night I made a vegetarian dinner, and somewhere out there is a shocked but delighted chicken.
Retweeted by Lisabug BBQJonze“Prepare to be astonished!” - a plastic surgeon, just before the eyebrow lift
Retweeted by Lisabug BBQJonzeA moment of silence please for all the parents still doing their teenagers’ laundry.
Retweeted by Lisabug BBQJonzeSurprise a beautiful person today by disagreeing with them.
Retweeted by Lisabug BBQJonzeMy adult daughter rewatched a Disney movie she loved as a child, and was flubbergasted at her poor taste in movies then.
Retweeted by Lisabug BBQJonzeShe was a beautiful surprise, like finding soap in Kid Rock’s house
Retweeted by Lisabug BBQJonzeWhat is it called when the kids decide to surprise you with chocolate chip pancakes and destroy the kitchen before… https://t.co/xtAa2pquBb
Retweeted by Lisabug BBQJonzeMy husband was shocked to find out I do in fact have a favorite child. Then he got upset when he learned it wasn't him.
Retweeted by Lisabug BBQJonzeI will never not be amazed at what my kid takes out of his pockets.
Retweeted by Lisabug BBQJonzeIf we've learned anything from history... I'd be amazed.
Retweeted by Lisabug BBQJonzeOk, toe-sneaker lady, that's enough about your guacamole icepops or whatever you're talking about. Oh you make your own baby food, shocking
Retweeted by Lisabug BBQJonzeI told her she drew the arch on her right eyebrow waaay to high. She looked at me like she was surprised.
Retweeted by Lisabug BBQJonzeMy neighbor decided to put his Christmas decorations up in the beginning of November. Imagine his surprise when he… https://t.co/WQI8abeKrB
Retweeted by Lisabug BBQJonzeMy AARP card brings all the girls to my yard - to take advantage of amazing discounts!!
Retweeted by Lisabug BBQJonzeUnless you are literally juggling your testicles in the air, you should never say "amazeballs" ever again
Retweeted by Lisabug BBQJonzeImagine finding your soulmate only to discover their nutmeg-to-cinnamon ratio is all over the place and totally inc… https://t.co/Hx8DJ601N5
Retweeted by Lisabug BBQJonzeThe way 2020 has been going I wouldn’t be surprised if my mirror opened up and a masked man took me down to a secret lake under my house.
Retweeted by Lisabug BBQJonzeBefore you get too giddy with holiday spirit just remember that *all* of the other reindeer - *all* of them - 1)us… https://t.co/jrj649T8wH
Retweeted by Lisabug BBQJonze2020 mean girls be like, “OMG, is that the same face mask you wore yesterday?”
Retweeted by Lisabug BBQJonzeI'm surprised so few people ask me why I'm carrying a cudgel around.
Retweeted by Lisabug BBQJonzeI hate when I do something outlandish and I was going for outrageous.
Retweeted by Lisabug BBQJonzeDIRECTOR: So sorry for your loss. WIDOW: We knew it was coming. DIRECTOR: Oh no. WIDOW: What? DIRECTOR: Yeah, we ca… https://t.co/dXChVconYj
Retweeted by Lisabug BBQJonzeI’m surprised it’s still hungry after finishing the old man. https://t.co/r7HLK3DDXg
Retweeted by Lisabug BBQJonzeThe best way to avoid getting a nasty shock is by not using the toaster whilst in the bath. Tune in tomorrow for a… https://t.co/2ZRyUYkF1F
Retweeted by Lisabug BBQJonze[my place, date night] her: *shocked* why do you have that blow-up sex doll? me: it’s not what you think, I use i… https://t.co/W7D36JgTfD
Retweeted by Lisabug BBQJonze[at the museum] Ancient customs in the 20th century indicate people sent surprise images of the male appendage on a mobile device.Autocorrect changed 'I need a purpose' to 'I need a purchase' so apparently my Pet Rock will be here on Thursday.
Retweeted by Lisabug BBQJonze“Well, I hope you’ve learned your lesson, Jessica.” “I have. I’m never drinking again.” “Good. When you’re done,… https://t.co/rEFAnPT7UF
Retweeted by Lisabug BBQJonze @TwoBitManchild Right? I forgot to mention ”on dark brown bread.” 😭 😭 😭I've speculated how life would've turned out if mom didn't add raisins to tuna salad sandwiches, which yielded no lunch swaps for me ever.Having trouble thinking of tweets today. Keep trying to kick my brain into gear. Then I remember my brain doesn't h… https://t.co/n0ElAoRyc3
Retweeted by Lisabug BBQJonze @blade_funner Absolutely. You get nothing but the best princess and one pea. https://t.co/hsOuNPr5si @HatfieldAnne Don’t you know she wants to make rabbit stew? It’s not a hot bunny bath! 🤦🏽‍♀️ https://t.co/P6LPiGypvRHow tightly wound am I? I'm often irritated by the personal irresponsibility of cartoon characters.
Retweeted by Lisabug BBQJonzeSober Me: I'm not showing my butthole to anyone ever again Drunk me: Wanna see something I'm proud of?
Retweeted by Lisabug BBQJonzeYou tell ‘em, Gary. https://t.co/gW1yooTT3D
Retweeted by Lisabug BBQJonze @ScarletSoul66 Lovely creative and funny ladies to follow. @Marlebean @Pork_Chop_Hair @ThisOneSayz @HatfieldAnne @blade_funnerI love you guys but I need some more women follows. Name some below that I can follow that aren’t....b words. 😂
Retweeted by Lisabug BBQJonze @leigh_jeanette @ScarletSoul66 Thank you! 😘😘😘 https://t.co/OPqtTmVsdnMy heart wants what she wants and she's a damned determined, strong and passionate bitch. Fucking love her for that.
Retweeted by Lisabug BBQJonze
11/30
2020

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