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Wife of a guy. Mother to spawns. Proficient chicken dancer. Seen on Huffpost and Buzzfeed. #BlackLivesMatter

3,521 Following   9,567 Followers   23,588 Tweets

Joined Twitter 5/22/17

me: [flirting] this isn't the first time i've had this effect on a man man: [quietly sobs]Shhhh, no talking during leftovers.
Retweeted by Lil Bit ๐ŸŒˆWhen your mom says you have to take three more bites of dinner before you can have dessert maps: bear left me: ok but why was he here anyway?
Retweeted by Lil Bit ๐ŸŒˆI picked a fight with my wife because we got a new couch and it doesn't snore or steal my pillows
Retweeted by Lil Bit ๐ŸŒˆYour twenties now extend to 32 to cover time lost to covid
Retweeted by Lil Bit ๐ŸŒˆdeciding on baby names. mud if itโ€™s a boy, meatloaf if itโ€™s a girl, disappointment if itโ€™s a republican
Retweeted by Lil Bit ๐ŸŒˆ[jesus getting caught smoking weed as a teen] god: youโ€™re grounded for 17 years, 3 weeks, and 4 days jesus: why tโ€ฆ
Retweeted by Lil Bit ๐ŸŒˆbrain: so tired me: we just woke up brain: huge mistake
Retweeted by Lil Bit ๐ŸŒˆThese kids are going to wake up one day and realize I changed the locks.
Retweeted by Lil Bit ๐ŸŒˆGeorge R. R. Martinโ€™s favorite song is โ€œUnwrittenโ€ by Natasha Bedingfield
Retweeted by Lil Bit ๐ŸŒˆThe major difference between a mountain lion and a regular lion is that a mountain lion has a winch on his jeep.
Retweeted by Lil Bit ๐ŸŒˆI self sabotage because I have *jazz hands* ANXIETY
Retweeted by Lil Bit ๐ŸŒˆMe: [jumps out of plane] Instructor: hey you forgot your parachute Me: ๐Ÿคธโ€ฆ
Retweeted by Lil Bit ๐ŸŒˆCorgi is pronounced different from orgy and now I know why the Queen no longer returns my correspondence
Retweeted by Lil Bit ๐ŸŒˆIn the spirit of Christmas I am going to make sure my Christmas decorations and lights destroy yours.
Retweeted by Lil Bit ๐ŸŒˆHim: Your test came back, and itโ€™s negative. Me: Whew! Thank goodness. Him: No, your math test. Youโ€™re failing this class.When you have your own house you can do things your way, unless of course you have kids. Then you do things the toddlers way
Retweeted by Lil Bit ๐ŸŒˆI coughed twice, so now I'm worried that the ยฃ67.43 in my bank account won't split evenly between my two children when I die.
Retweeted by Lil Bit ๐ŸŒˆI've been screaming at this all morning ๐Ÿคฃ๐Ÿคฃ๐Ÿคฃ๐Ÿคฃ
Retweeted by Lil Bit ๐ŸŒˆI just dropped my dog off at his Grandmas. Now I'm walking back with a bag of dog shit, and no fucking dog, like some kind of psychopath.
Retweeted by Lil Bit ๐ŸŒˆTisโ€™ the season to watch Love Actually until your eyes pour blood.
Retweeted by Lil Bit ๐ŸŒˆ60% less tongue guy. come on here!*reading the nutrition facts of a cookie* me: so Iโ€™ll need to eat at least 83 of these to get 100% of my daily protein
Retweeted by Lil Bit ๐ŸŒˆ*first day as a nurse* me: letโ€™s check your blood pressure [slits patientโ€™s jugular vein] me: wow great pressure!.โ€ฆ
Retweeted by Lil Bit ๐ŸŒˆwhat a year to not get trapped in a painting.
Retweeted by Lil Bit ๐ŸŒˆFind you someone who looks at you the way my dog looks at me when Iโ€™m doing crunches.
Retweeted by Lil Bit ๐ŸŒˆif plants could scream, mine might eventually get watered
Retweeted by Lil Bit ๐ŸŒˆY'all gon' make me lose my mind Up in here ๐Ÿ‘‡ ๐Ÿ‘‡Up in here
Retweeted by Lil Bit ๐ŸŒˆMe: Itโ€™ll be nice to have a dog around, we wonโ€™t have to worry about intruders My dog: Itโ€™s a new person! Pleaseโ€ฆ
Retweeted by Lil Bit ๐ŸŒˆWife: If you know what's good for you, you'll stop that. Me: You don't get a body like this if you know what's good for you.
Retweeted by Lil Bit ๐ŸŒˆA dream journal, but for burritos.
Retweeted by Lil Bit ๐ŸŒˆWould a Xenomorph wear a mask Like or Like This This
Retweeted by Lil Bit ๐ŸŒˆ @RobertManchild Solid tweet! @rn_murse recording the dreams of burritos? YES @PellerOnIce they were jammed in the back of ladies' throats. way too far.guys back in high school trying to kiss you like trainer says more push ups, but I can't find them in my size.
Retweeted by Lil Bit ๐ŸŒˆall of my tweets are meant to be read as if iโ€™m a slowly deflating balloon that keeps saying words faster and fasteโ€ฆ
Retweeted by Lil Bit ๐ŸŒˆWhen the seasonal depression was regular depression all along
Retweeted by Lil Bit ๐ŸŒˆYou would think setting such a low bar would make the real thing better. But no.
After seeing my dog hump a toy when I was a kid, I assumed human men also grew a red rocket for sex. For the recordโ€ฆ're not putting THAT in there. ~ first woman, probably
Retweeted by Lil Bit ๐ŸŒˆ @miapolitan pregaming @RandallAndrews1 no. emo. @FScottFitzJesse This is amazing!!! @LizerReal
Retweeted by Lil Bit ๐ŸŒˆ @ra7ar Yaaaaaas @altyeahright1 Look at those flaming-Oโ€™s!!!! @MaxAMaxim Just brush those head feathers over his eyes.My husband accidentally called this an emo, and you know what? Heโ€™s right. This is totally an emo ostrich. like the commercials where someone buys a car for Christmas without discussing it with their spouse.
Retweeted by Lil Bit ๐ŸŒˆPervy fishermen DM you pictures of their docks
Retweeted by Lil Bit ๐ŸŒˆHappiest of birthdays to @Tobi_Is_Fab - THE most supportive giant-eyed Kewpie doll of a human on this interwebs. Alโ€ฆ husband wonโ€™t stop talking to me as i eat my grape nuts so i keep nodding but what if i just accidentally agreedโ€ฆ
Retweeted by Lil Bit ๐ŸŒˆMe: What do you wanna do when you grow up? My 5-year-old: Say โ€œfuck itโ€ and cut line in my car.
Retweeted by Lil Bit ๐ŸŒˆbitch iโ€™m carrying unsalted cashews around town in a ripped change purse. i ainโ€™t got shit to lose
Retweeted by Lil Bit ๐ŸŒˆLately my 5-year-old has been asking us to call him Kid Grandma, which we play along with, but last night he said,โ€ฆ
Retweeted by Lil Bit ๐ŸŒˆi am merely but a ham hock in tight jeans and the push up bra of life
Retweeted by Lil Bit ๐ŸŒˆif you donโ€™t gouge out your own eyeballs with a spork, do you even self-care bro
Retweeted by Lil Bit ๐ŸŒˆMy toddler is currently barking and scooting his butt across the floor like the dog we saw at the park last week, bโ€ฆ
Retweeted by Lil Bit ๐ŸŒˆmy dq blizzard doesnโ€™t have enough nuts. there are not enough nuts in anything for me. why are there not enough nutโ€ฆ
Retweeted by Lil Bit ๐ŸŒˆdonโ€™t fall in love with me. iโ€™m the kind of girl who puts tuna in the microwave
Retweeted by Lil Bit ๐ŸŒˆcover your nipples in cranberry sauce for a minimal yet festive holiday look
Retweeted by Lil Bit ๐ŸŒˆI just had leftovers and now my stomach is stuffed like all the holes in double penetration porn.
Retweeted by Lil Bit ๐ŸŒˆI can deflect a compliment like I invented the idea, and donโ€™t you forget it.
Retweeted by Lil Bit ๐ŸŒˆgod: here are the animals man: [pointing to horse] iโ€™m making that one wear shoes
Retweeted by Lil Bit ๐ŸŒˆwhy do nerf footballs not exist without a bite taken out of them.
Retweeted by Lil Bit ๐ŸŒˆYeah sex is great, but have u ever actually had sex tbh its usually only ok
Retweeted by Lil Bit ๐ŸŒˆIf you work at Michaels and someone comes in to buy a lot of yarn you can't be sure if they have really boring hobbโ€ฆ
Retweeted by Lil Bit ๐ŸŒˆmy boss: get in the cannon me: huh? my boss: read your employment contract โ€” you can be fired at will will: oh shit
Retweeted by Lil Bit ๐ŸŒˆI get a little turned on when youโ€™re annoyed -- itโ€™s how I know youโ€™re listening
Retweeted by Lil Bit ๐ŸŒˆThe only thing Iโ€™m testing positive for right now is mashed potatoes.
Retweeted by Lil Bit ๐ŸŒˆme: wanna role play? her: ok you be a guy with a giant dick me: her: me: y-you know i canโ€™t do that
Retweeted by Lil Bit ๐ŸŒˆme: r u ready to have your world rocked? girl: omg yes baby me: *setting board game pieces* ok so this is calledโ€ฆ
Retweeted by Lil Bit ๐ŸŒˆA Viking funeral, but Iโ€™m in the fetal position in a clawfoot bathtub in the middle of a field while people I havenโ€ฆ
Retweeted by Lil Bit ๐ŸŒˆMy 6yo brought snacks to eat on the ride to pick up food, and just like that she leveled up in life.My kid locked himself in the bathroom so he could eat a snack without having to share it and just like that he became a mom
Retweeted by Lil Bit ๐ŸŒˆIf I was a little bit taller I wouldnโ€™t be a baller I would simply grab the good spices at the grocery store
Retweeted by Lil Bit ๐ŸŒˆIf it takes longer than ten minutes I'm not doing it โ€” me, sexting
Retweeted by Lil Bit ๐ŸŒˆKids, I shit you not. There used to be a phone number you could call just to find out what time it was.
Retweeted by Lil Bit ๐ŸŒˆthe last thing a treat sees
Retweeted by Lil Bit ๐ŸŒˆIt's a strange time in America right now, so let's switch everything from pounds to kilograms and see if they notice
Retweeted by Lil Bit ๐ŸŒˆ4 asked for vanilla yoghurt which I gave him. He then yelled at me because he wanted banana yoghurt. So I ate the vโ€ฆ
Retweeted by Lil Bit ๐ŸŒˆ @tigerquinn7 @mack44_d Iโ€™m sorry you feel itโ€™s disrespectful in that manner. My point is that Iโ€™m social distancing regardless.When Iโ€™m visiting a friend and they say โ€œdonโ€™t mind the messโ€ I think to myself, โ€œI donโ€™t mind, youโ€™re the one living in this filthโ€
Retweeted by Lil Bit ๐ŸŒˆYa just know the presidential library will have every episode of fox and friends on file in the arts and entertainment section
Retweeted by Lil Bit ๐ŸŒˆ @mostly_cheese this is true.My wife asking for a glass of water: โ€œCan you do me a huge favor?โ€ My wife asking for a bureau to be moved upstairโ€ฆ
Retweeted by Lil Bit ๐ŸŒˆMom: your dad and I are coming by Me: right now? Mom: ya Me: cool see you soon! *click* Me: [tying headband and seโ€ฆ
Retweeted by Lil Bit ๐ŸŒˆ @pajaritosimpson welp. i'm still here. @The_Albinoshrek @Timothygriff317 Happy Friday, friend! @The_Albinoshrek @Timothygriff317 @Bales4Judge MAKE THE SANTA PANTS TIGHTER PLEASE @DarnFam4 @RiotGrlErin SCHWING! @farfnme our special secret is that you can never have a second wave if you don't finish the first i guess you guys are social distancing through the holidays? me: oh yes definitely family: this pandemicโ€ฆ takes a lot of wine to raise a kid.
Retweeted by Lil Bit ๐ŸŒˆ"I'm sorry, we couldn't save him. His heart grew three sizes this day," the Grinch's cardiologist said to the grieving widow.
Retweeted by Lil Bit ๐ŸŒˆSome days I feel like that other girl in Fleetwood Mac. What was her name again?
Retweeted by Lil Bit ๐ŸŒˆ