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https://t.co/GDZ438sCiT + https://t.co/z2wKv0t1jG

210 Following   15,038 Followers   6,159 Tweets

Joined Twitter 4/17/07


got the Dr. Bronner's vaccine. doesn't stop COVID but I can now understand this bottle with complete clarity https://t.co/ZB2PrlIKQV
1/19
2021
My friend Andrew had a tough football loss tonight, and where his brain went was here. Find you a colleague like th… https://t.co/z4CtwqGK1x
1/18
2021
You? https://t.co/ykWyOar5fG
1/17
2021
“I really think of my work as being a storyteller” is not what I wanted to hear from this chiropractor
1/16
2021
@RandBallsStu Shit. I had a feelingThis has to be the first SNL Host to be impeached twice right?And this is different how? https://t.co/jXprJcgxn1😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂🤣😂🤣😂🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣 https://t.co/e0sIx0SNyE
1/14
2021
Desperately hoping for an 8 day Mike Pence presidency is not where I saw my life going tbh
1/13
2021
@jaminors Let’s not get carried away
1/12
2021
Cleveland on pace to score 6,765 points this game. which would be a new record. @andrew_walsh a lot changed over the last two weeks. will explain on tomorrow's @TBTL
1/11
2021
Making my yearly shift into “teams I don’t like, losing their games, is my only happiness” modeSay what you want but this is 100% true. Without https://t.co/o8xWoIjWRe the US President has no way whatsoever to… https://t.co/zDGtKiF5tA @RBELLIS13 Hard agreeIn case you’re considering jumping your lunar rover off a moon cliff https://t.co/1yaKrd7MTx
1/10
2021
100% Jake from State Farm wins in a fight vs. Aaron Rogers right?Okay now shit is getting real https://t.co/KhL8WliGNqBuried in the constitution: your 5th impeachment is FREE. It’s known as the “Subway Clause” Look it up I wish I was jokingDO YOU THINK SPACE FORCE CAN SHOOT DOWN TWITTER https://t.co/aLlTWWHKdw @RandBallsStu No that’s the dude who made Eternal Sunshinetotally Orwellian that Paramount Pictures refuses to let me star in “Mission Impossible 7” is that what that book was about?The entire world has Trump on read right now and it feels amazing
1/9
2021
TGIF right? The shit that went down this week was NOT coup.
1/8
2021
Running a little behind because of the attempted coup in our neighborhood by a deranged fascist mob, but rest assur… https://t.co/dIf4KdmRzR
Retweeted by Luke BurbankCracked it https://t.co/o5dJ5q5oSYA classic We Absolutely Know Who Done It https://t.co/6mthAoWotVWet January is here
1/7
2021
in fairness this is exactly like that one time Antifa violently stormed the US capitol and took it overCongratulations to Jon Ossoff, the first U.S. Senator to catch a computer virus while trying to download the Garden… https://t.co/FvVwWnGwiS
Retweeted by Luke BurbankIf Georgia pulls this off, it deserves to win the 🍑 emoji back from butts.
Retweeted by Luke Burbank
1/6
2021
@chrislhayes Can confirm @JohnV_SEA206 I would be pleasantly shocked Johnny VIf there was some like, audio recording of Trump trying to steal the election THEN we’d have him. Oh well 🤷‍♂️
1/4
2021
in awe of the Worcestershire sauce business model... "here's a bottle of our product, it's 5 dollars, it will last you two human lifetimes"High as hell just givin it to the notes app
Retweeted by Luke Burbankand risk blowing the deal during the business meeting I scheduled in this elevator? YeH right dude https://t.co/h5HOazWedU
1/3
2020
https://t.co/oK6yKb3kFu @Anthrochick33 This is not body shaming it’s shaming people who force underlings to lie about various things both i… https://t.co/JAdbSHwPV6Would absolutely kill to golf just one round with my 6’3, 239 pound President. https://t.co/0qcWPnlFy0
12/29
2020
@chrislhayes @RandBallsStu @TBTL Us getting old feels normal but when our kids age it’s deeply troubling. At least to meI don’t like seeing Jake from State Farm in other tv ads. It’s like seeing your teacher at the store. Very destabilizing @chrislhayes @RandBallsStu @TBTL Our 12+ year plan worked
12/28
2020
@burleymac For my kid. Setting her further on the road to having way nicer kitchen stuff than I do 🤷‍♂️
12/26
2020
Mood: chaotic grateful https://t.co/er0WKdnb0NThinking about Zooey Deschanel making holiday small talk with the third Property Brother https://t.co/MBM0ahHgVL @chemtev Close https://t.co/7RVSYmRf80switched to tissue paper, the “screw this” of the wrapping experience https://t.co/ISCF31ck6IFor example https://t.co/T0RPareT9xMerry Xmas to all the dads doing a slapdash wrapping job Christmas morning while their kids wait impatiently. This is our destiny.
12/25
2020
This is weirdly mesmerizing https://t.co/tIBrmZWefNName a more confusing moment. I’ll hold, delete, accept, and wait. https://t.co/20smO3ECbUWhen your mom starts to really grasp no one is coming home for the holidays but still desires strong familial conne… https://t.co/NKoquUOcKWMove, Mitch, get out the way.
Retweeted by Luke Burbank @revelyn Not Myvydas, or Yourvydas... He’s, of course... Ourvydas
12/24
2020
@RandBallsStu The key to generating Authentic Engagement™️ in the online space is provoking a conflict with a more successful colleague @kairyssdal So that’s a yes?Americans spend over 72 billion dollars a year on their pets, it's a huge business, which is why this is the right… https://t.co/cz9WDAHruY
12/22
2020
Breaking: Russell Wilson believes you must “bring your all” when playing nfl football. Just incredible stuff https://t.co/bV5cGEJHvvHappy 50th birthday to my dear friend and biological father @RandBallsStu https://t.co/o7MeqkqrRW
12/20
2020
Feeling both seen and owned by this https://t.co/21TvwdyQ4xMaybe we just put our democracy on a high shelf where they can’t reach it? https://t.co/f8WHpSVflm
12/19
2020
Just incredible stuff https://t.co/Emhv2Y5Wit
12/17
2020
@the_amt @petersagal This is my legacy @Y0ur_M0mmm @andrew_walsh Surprisingly pro Lamar and anti-racist assumptions about QBs so I think it’ll be okay for you
12/16
2020
Would recommend. This show is really really good. https://t.co/lsXgnHaycbJust realized Fauci will still have his job in the Biden administration meaning he outlasted Trump. Fuck yeahNYT: First Vaccine Doses Available WaPo: Biden Affirmed as President https://t.co/hftprlStCl
12/15
2020
since this is no worse than the flu I'm assuming they'll be turning this down right? https://t.co/LJ25GPJfNI
12/14
2020
Anyone else OBSESSED with season 2 of “I Can Hear You Dance” on FOX?
12/13
2020
another Burbank Stone Cold Lock™️ https://t.co/9GYdkXq7qw
12/12
2020
Here’s a sentence I just heard on public radio: “Israel is considered a world leader in medical clowning” have a great weekend everyoneThe lawyer most responsible for defeating the Trump election steal is only on TV to hype his dog and I love it https://t.co/jI8P2abDzC
12/11
2020
@chrislhayes @tomgara I’d Go Fund that in a heartbeat
12/9
2020
Damn, Bob Dylan must be set for lifemight fuck around and harness the power of AI at enterprise scale
12/7
2020
This was basically like doing psychedelics for 7 year old me https://t.co/dVROkHasSDThe level of confusion by celebrities as to why they are getting the insurance rates they are is frankly shocking to me
12/6
2020
@L_Oshiro_CA @andrew_walsh @RandBallsStu @chrislhayes This would be the primary reason for me taking this job.
12/5
2020
Meanwhile everyone I’m describing looks like they’re in “Blind Melon”. I fucking love this placeThere are no boxes so the audio mixer I bought off the rack is shoved into a Ziljian cymbal bag to go.The guy checking me out starts explaining the extended warrantee (they’re going out of business) I stop him, he’s s… https://t.co/9uptZRXWUVman Guitar Center is like the WILD WEST right now. They just declared bankruptcy, an employee was yelling at his ma… https://t.co/8nYfcPnnWU
12/2
2020
@ohhappyjake Right where we want them
12/1
2020
My phone just autocorrected something I typed to “Portishead” and 22 year old me feels really seenin the clearance aisle of a West Elm looking at placemats and a 23 year old kid walks up and wearily says “a tiske… https://t.co/GSI2qG4QVF
11/29
2020
Using the bathroom at a grocery store in the 1980’s was a real journey behind life’s curtain
11/28
2020
Happy Thanksgiving from this particular situation https://t.co/4p3qk9nsO1
11/27
2020
Heading for seconds after that burp that Tetris’d your stomach contents back to zero https://t.co/uKCHej67ZsDon’t let the distance between us this thanksgiving stand in the way of reaching out to the ones you love. https://t.co/srhW8cXQt9
11/26
2020
@kimholcomb *almost* ? you're tougher than I am @MrAutumnMan1 That was yesterday. Today the transition is underway, I have a chair and a tv and AMERICA IS BACK BABYStarting to think this guy is an upgrade from Mike Pompeo https://t.co/OsTFWmb5nX
11/25
2020
@KenJennings Point being, some loaves of bread are THRILLING @KenJennings Yup @KenJennings We once had to kick this guy out of a Live Wire taping for fighting someone in the theater. The compan… https://t.co/hghkEexoyN @RandBallsStu @gourmetspud This is a masterpiece
11/24
2020
@winrosenfeld Thank you.
11/20
2020
@drewmikkelsenk5 I had totally forgotten about that! Back in the Steve Emtman daysGood morning. We are more wise, and grumpy than we can ever know. https://t.co/duPSoq3tcp
11/19
2020

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