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*autobiography - 🐲🐴

7,865 Following   10,391 Followers   134,118 Tweets

Joined Twitter 2/8/15

i’m self conscious about everything i’ve ever done but there’s accountants and insurance agents naming CHILDREN aft…
Retweeted by Luke+A teacher once wrote on my report card that my only talent was “making clumpy urine”
Retweeted by Luke+I'm not above coughing on the pecan pie just so I can have it all myself.
Retweeted by Luke+It's when they tried to serve salad on Thanksgiving that I got the fuck out of there.
Retweeted by Luke+I can’t believe my family canceled Thanksgiving dinner after I practiced being nice all week.
Retweeted by Luke+If you can’t be bodacious at least be audacious, people!!
Retweeted by Luke+My Covid spirit animal is a duck, calm on the surface, but paddling like crazy underneath.
Retweeted by Luke+I mean, I was gonna take the candy and all, but that dude had a fifteen year old secondary flip phone and that’s just skeezy as fuck.
Retweeted by Luke+The Lego Star Wars Holiday Special was released a week or so ago and as a father to a 7yo boy - I’ve seen it no sho…
Retweeted by Luke+Think I’m going to do one of those “Only Fans” account thingees but I’ll just be doing home improvement projects an…
Retweeted by Luke+One of my superpowers pissing my wife off by asking rhetorical questions.
Retweeted by Luke+My wife is watching reality TV, I'm playing on social media. We are basically the same.
Retweeted by Luke+My neighbor Gary invited himself for coffee this morning, good thing I had already hid my donuts in the pantry.
Retweeted by Luke+Almost time to switch up the dig the grave spades for the cover the body snow shovels.
Retweeted by Luke+Got a real deal on the flight recently, for an extra fee I got an extra two inches of legroom, a fidgety seatmate and wifi that didn't work.
Retweeted by Luke+I already ate a whole pumpkin pie, it's delicious with bacon and eggs for breakfast.
Retweeted by Luke+Bless with good friends on this app. You guys keep me smiling and laughing even on days I'm not feeling it. I'm thankful for all of you.
Retweeted by Luke+My grandpa didn't leave me a gold watch or a large insurance policy, he left me something much more valuable which…
Retweeted by Luke+The worse part about a nap is having to be woken up the next day.
Retweeted by Luke+My wife didn't think it was funny when I stapled the leg openings of her panties together but in my defense, it was…
Retweeted by Luke+I had a neighbor named Susan once, she lived in my shed until she disappeared.
Retweeted by Luke+You grew a beard to get the ladies, pffft, I do that with tacos and cheesecake.
Retweeted by Luke+She cooked breakfast for me and then left and that ladies is the correct way to treat a man.
Retweeted by Luke+It's the hardships, they make you beautiful
Retweeted by Luke+Ok Google, delete all of my fuckups
Retweeted by Luke+Buttholes and assholes are similar, except assholes act like dicks
Retweeted by Luke+The wife's favorite time to have sex is later
Retweeted by Luke+It's like nobody cares that I almost died yesterday from overeating
Retweeted by Luke+The shortest distance to a tweet is a whiskey neat
Retweeted by Luke+Sure her dressing is good, but I prefer her undressing
Retweeted by Luke+The root word for "family" is famulus, it means random annoying people in Latin
Retweeted by Luke+paddle faster i hear baby shark
Retweeted by Luke+When the seasonal depression was regular depression all along
Retweeted by Luke+My body is a wonderland? No, my body is a national forest with hair for trees and fat for hills and if you spit in…
Retweeted by Luke+you don’t want to miss this action
Retweeted by Luke+But do you “Conquer the eight worlds of the Mushroom Kingdom to save me” love me?
Retweeted by Luke+My husband laughs Me: are you laughing at my double chin? My husband goes for a walk Me: are you walking away fr…
Retweeted by Luke+Now Thanksgiving is over and I'm happy to announce I've found my Christmas spirit - it's whiskey... no wait, maybe gin.
Retweeted by Luke+Not actually sure if I'm drunk or not, because my breathalyzer barked and ran away when I tried to blow into it.
Retweeted by Luke+Cyclists who don’t give runners space when they pass Why do you hate us?
Retweeted by Luke+Guns N’ Roses Pediatrics: We Could Use Some Lil’ Patients
Retweeted by Luke+ @pro_worrier_ Word. Up. Haha
everything is fine
Retweeted by Luke+Excuse me sir, your feet look very much like mice and I would like to murder them please. ~ my cats
Retweeted by Luke+Home for the Holidays in 2020 means using the pandemic as an excuse to avoid people from high school
Retweeted by Luke+Watching the Queen’s Gambit is the equivalent of watching other kids play the video game demos at GameStop
Retweeted by Luke+When I dissociate mid conversation and try to zone back in, pretty sure my brain start up sound goes 🎶SEGA🎶
Retweeted by Luke+Alcohol is the Instagram filter for real life, which means acid is the Snapchat filter.
Retweeted by Luke+It’s called splitzies because splitting fries with your spouse almost always ends in divorce.
Retweeted by Luke+Therapist: What's one way that you can encourage your children to move out? Me: change the wifi password Therapist: no
Retweeted by Luke+American Pickers gives me hope that the garage full of crap I’ll inherit will contain something worth $350.
Retweeted by Luke+They say you have to crawl before you can walk, but I can easily walk to the wine cabinet over and over before I have to crawl to my bed.
Retweeted by Luke+I thought I heard my kid screaming for help in the bathroom but it was just a wipe dream
Retweeted by Luke+Don't let Hollywood fool you. I was in an orphanage for 13 yrs and we only broke into a song & choreographed dance twice
Retweeted by Luke+I’m no psychic but I see a lot of people coming out of this pandemic carrying a flask
Retweeted by Luke+2020 - when “Put on Your Big Girl Pants and Deal with It” means you need to get bigger pants if pants are actually required
Retweeted by Luke+Oh, you like Limp Bizkit? Name every flaccid penis.
Retweeted by Luke+Me looking at starting another Netflix limited series like: •How many episodes? •How many minutes in each episod…
Retweeted by Luke+There’s something I really like about Willy Wonka’s chocolate...I just hope it has nothing to do with that chubby G…
Retweeted by Luke+If your day hasn’t been ruined yet, there’s an audio version of Mariah Carey’s memoir. You’re welcome.
Retweeted by Luke+Sure, it’s impressive that my children know every word to What Does the Fox Say and can sing with all the harmonies…
Retweeted by Luke+The 8 Reindeer of the Apocalypse Door Dasher Distanced Pajamas Video Chat Charmin Clorox Doritos Blitzed
Retweeted by Luke+I aspire to be as wealthy as Facebook ads seem to think I am.
Retweeted by Luke+I just fell down the stairs and accidentally wrote a System of the Down songIf you don't remember what song played on my MySpace page you're too young for me.
Retweeted by Luke+Q: Going out today? Me, putting on pants: How did you know?
Retweeted by Luke+BREAKING: at least one Xbox controller in our house every week.
Retweeted by Luke+Wife: You kids could be anything you want to be when you grow up Son: I want to be an astronaut Me: You got a d…
Retweeted by Luke+Just realized I was yelling “shut your stupid face” as I read some of your tweets
Retweeted by Luke+[playing Among Us] blue: red is sus yellow: def trying to kill everyone orange: what? how do you know? blue: th…
Retweeted by Luke+formula one: the monaco grand prix is the biggest racing event on the planet indycar: the indianapolis 500 is the…
Retweeted by Luke+Best thing about this hangover are the chainsaws running at the house next door
Retweeted by Luke+Me, homeschooling: If a train leaves the west coast at 7:00am traveling 60 mph and one leaves the east coast at 9:…
Retweeted by Luke+“This is the worst horse I’ve ever ridden!!” *me, drunk, about to be gored by a bull.
Retweeted by Luke+A toast with champagne Is a slippery slope The next morning with pain So I best just say nope
Retweeted by Luke+
I'm guessing whoever coined the phrase "no news is good news" obviously did not have children that were playing quietly in their rooms.
Retweeted by Luke+We all know kids say the funniest things! My sweet friend @sarabellab123 put some of these gems into a book that I…
Retweeted by Luke+The movie castaway except it’s a mom who goes out of town for 2 weeks and leaves her family to fend for themselves
Retweeted by Luke+I fell asleep halfway into a Hallmark Channel holiday movie, then woke up halfway through another. It took me 30 minutes to notice
Retweeted by Luke+
During this quarantine, I’m doing tasks that haven’t been done in a while, like cleaning out the fridge. Is it p…
Retweeted by Luke+Quoth the chicken “never store... on the top shelf of the fridge this helps avoid cross contamination.”
Retweeted by Luke+2019: takes an Uber to dinner 2020: rides the roomba to the fridge
Retweeted by Luke+My childhood: "You can get locked in a refrigerator and suffocate" Children today: "Don't eat Tide Pods" We are not the same.
Retweeted by Luke+
Awww yeah it's almost 4:20 you know what that means (I need to go for a walk NOW bc it's gonna be dark in 30 minutes)
Retweeted by Luke+How did you come up with the name of your company? Adidas: My nickname in college was Adi Audi: It was my nicknam…
Retweeted by Luke+🎶 Make my wish come true, ohhh 🎼 All I want for Christmas, is... 🎵 *record screech* ...a bidet to help save toilet paper
Retweeted by Luke+Date: I really want to see the Mayan Ruins. Me, trying to impress her: If you like ruins, you'll be pleasantly sur…
Retweeted by Luke+Ironically this years tried to kill us but we’ve learnt to appreciate life.
Retweeted by Luke+I've opened my fridge 3 times and food hasn't magically appeared in it. This day is shot to shit already.
Retweeted by Luke+I always keep children's art on the fridge, not my children's, they're hacks.
Retweeted by Luke+My kids devour food so quickly that my fridge has been broken for two months and nobody realized.
Retweeted by Luke+My daughter’s homeschool report card is shaping up nice: Algebra: A Science: A Social Studies: A Bringing dad a b… today the day in the apocalypse where we learn to turn water into wine or no?
Retweeted by Luke+Some of you act like your ass crack doesn’t sweat and it shows. No really, I can see the sweat from here.
Retweeted by Luke+Fed the kids popcorn for breakfast, dropped the wrong one off at school (neither child corrected me; the office had…
Retweeted by Luke+Always the moth , never the flame.
Retweeted by Luke+Do I have any plans? What do I look like, a goddamn architect?
Retweeted by Luke+me: I kind of had a sex dream about you erica: omg tell me about it me: well I was naked and you were making fun…
Retweeted by Luke+Banana bread is made from bananas ‘Nana bread is made from grandmas
Retweeted by Luke+wife: my husband is bad with words. therapist: what do you mean? me: *tears in my eyes* where do you get the gallbladder
Retweeted by Luke+