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Standard disclaimer: I actually do love my children. I’m also a freelance writer. #resist

1,385 Following   6,242 Followers   47,413 Tweets

Joined Twitter 3/11/13


Since no one ever got to see my prom dress bc of Covid here y’all go 🚶🏾‍♀️ https://t.co/pJW9gdeRJX
Retweeted by Mama Pajama, BLACK LIVES MATTERdarth vader driving in a convertible: *harmonica noises*
Retweeted by Mama Pajama, BLACK LIVES MATTERI don't know much, but I know this is where all the space aliens are hiding https://t.co/NIaDuBsWg4
Retweeted by Mama Pajama, BLACK LIVES MATTERa single sour patch kid would kill a pilgrim instantly
Retweeted by Mama Pajama, BLACK LIVES MATTERme: I hate when I walk into a room and forgot why I went in there haha patient grabs my ankle: epipen
Retweeted by Mama Pajama, BLACK LIVES MATTERare these the same guy https://t.co/yyD4rmS6nc
Retweeted by Mama Pajama, BLACK LIVES MATTERhim, leaving for work: we still need to talk about your soap opera addiction me: *walks away and stares out the w… https://t.co/hQoIa5JAnK
Retweeted by Mama Pajama, BLACK LIVES MATTER
11/29
2020
[do not read until 5 billion years from now] please, my sun, it’s very sick
Retweeted by Mama Pajama, BLACK LIVES MATTERWhen I die, I want to donate my hands and feet to become the hands and feet of a snowman so people will think “Wow… https://t.co/es2u4GlnW7
Retweeted by Mama Pajama, BLACK LIVES MATTER @weedswildflowrs Romantic comediesTrump paid for a recount in two counties in Wisconsin with the most Black residents. The result--Biden's lead gre… https://t.co/5qnK1fETrK
Retweeted by Mama Pajama, BLACK LIVES MATTERtime traveler: i love your volcano pompeiian: our what? time traveler: your mountain, your normal mountain
Retweeted by Mama Pajama, BLACK LIVES MATTER
11/28
2020
dave : if a picture paints a thousand words then why can't i paint you me : because you're shit at painting, dave
Retweeted by Mama Pajama, BLACK LIVES MATTERAt this point, if Pennywise tries to lure me into the sewer, I’m going.
Retweeted by Mama Pajama, BLACK LIVES MATTERGuess it's time to take down my Christmas tree.
Retweeted by Mama Pajama, BLACK LIVES MATTER✨Thankful for all the jams in space ✨
Retweeted by Mama Pajama, BLACK LIVES MATTERI am home hanging out with my husband and kid because god gave us the once in a lifetime opportunity to skip seeing… https://t.co/V2NGJuZfSb
Retweeted by Mama Pajama, BLACK LIVES MATTERMe: Eat your food sweetie 4yo: No. I'm worried it's going to taste really bad Happy thanksgiving y'all.
Retweeted by Mama Pajama, BLACK LIVES MATTER @DickMountain4 I think this is what you use to wrap your gift to the ladies. 😉In case you are looking for a last minute Christmas present for me: https://t.co/8n0nToQTkI
Retweeted by Mama Pajama, BLACK LIVES MATTER @TheRealPalMal @itsmebeegee07 🥰🥰🥰🥰I’m thankful for you all and would hate to make a list because I’m sure to miss some. However, I am most thankful f… https://t.co/2znyH6r1gf
Retweeted by Mama Pajama, BLACK LIVES MATTERThanksgiving 2020 was not quite weird enough, so my kid fixed that by repeatedly referring to our dinner as “the turkey body.”Buddy, *flicks cigarette after a long drag* literally no city was build in a day
Retweeted by Mama Pajama, BLACK LIVES MATTERMy daughter’s Barbies are having a Thanksgiving feast of roast puppy. She’s fine. This is fine. https://t.co/yt5C6oBntP
Retweeted by Mama Pajama, BLACK LIVES MATTER
11/27
2020
I don’t care who you are. If you ask me “guess what” I will always, ALWAYS reply with “chicken butt”
Retweeted by Mama Pajama, BLACK LIVES MATTERthanksgiving is that magical time of year when my beautiful wife suggests that I better deal with our lovely daught… https://t.co/A2dGsC9ej8
Retweeted by Mama Pajama, BLACK LIVES MATTEROn March 18th, America's 614 billionaires were worth a combined 2.95 trillion. On November 24th, there were 650 bi… https://t.co/oN2bdu152L
Retweeted by Mama Pajama, BLACK LIVES MATTERI wish Mad Libs were this much fun when I was a kid. https://t.co/HAsdD99nBd
Retweeted by Mama Pajama, BLACK LIVES MATTERI am so tired that I passed out on my couch in the middle of an email and woke up 2 hours later fully yelling "No… https://t.co/ce12aWHXNu
Retweeted by Mama Pajama, BLACK LIVES MATTERmy mom asked me yesterday why i was at a club and i was like ??? and then through a lot of back and forth i found o… https://t.co/m2oQNoWNZt
Retweeted by Mama Pajama, BLACK LIVES MATTERIf you want to donate to an out of work bartender I will polish a pint glass and look disinterested while you tell… https://t.co/hjKh7zkUfM
Retweeted by Mama Pajama, BLACK LIVES MATTERAbout 40% of pardoned turkeys end up back in the system.
Retweeted by Mama Pajama, BLACK LIVES MATTERi CANNOT BELIEVE these libs want to GIVE ASSISTANCE to PEOPLE IN NEED when i STRUGGLE EVERY DAY to make sure MY GUN… https://t.co/n0w0bQtTwA
Retweeted by Mama Pajama, BLACK LIVES MATTER“McRib is BACK????” https://t.co/AkRyLcVibG
Retweeted by Mama Pajama, BLACK LIVES MATTERif this pandemic happened in the 80s my mom would’ve sent us out to play with plastic bags over our heads and oven mitts
Retweeted by Mama Pajama, BLACK LIVES MATTERMe when a carefully crafted tweet gets 6 likes instead of 2 https://t.co/SmMb1g9tU1
Retweeted by Mama Pajama, BLACK LIVES MATTERI just hope I'm hating the right things.
Retweeted by Mama Pajama, BLACK LIVES MATTER @mmpadellan @TheAlexNevil I’d pay $1000 for option 2.JUST CURIOUS: Would you rather: - have $1,000 cash in hand now - have a front row seat to watching trump dragged out of White House
Retweeted by Mama Pajama, BLACK LIVES MATTERhelo. have you ben injured in an acident. https://t.co/l2LNMNSHrA
Retweeted by Mama Pajama, BLACK LIVES MATTER[the movie Jaws] Jaws: man I’m hungry Everyone: *totally freaking out* Jaws: ok wow sorry I require nutrition to live
Retweeted by Mama Pajama, BLACK LIVES MATTERMy Dad once took a BDSM leather making class without knowing what BDSM was. At the end of the course he gave me t… https://t.co/zPzsvGqoCV
Retweeted by Mama Pajama, BLACK LIVES MATTERBest compliment someone gave me was calling me a Walmart Idris Elba
Retweeted by Mama Pajama, BLACK LIVES MATTERUm if corporations aren't people then how do you explain Pete Buttigieg
Retweeted by Mama Pajama, BLACK LIVES MATTERSo was it a boy or a girl https://t.co/aDEWpxiq4f
Retweeted by Mama Pajama, BLACK LIVES MATTER
11/26
2020
Hey guys, it's a reply to a tweet, not an improv class
Retweeted by Mama Pajama, BLACK LIVES MATTERNever will get used to the beauty of a Canadian child being born. https://t.co/OudHSpAXOB
Retweeted by Mama Pajama, BLACK LIVES MATTERTony Hawk wanted to be a famous skateboarder, it was a half pipe dream.
Retweeted by Mama Pajama, BLACK LIVES MATTERMy vision board: https://t.co/pbIGYjfKtQ
Retweeted by Mama Pajama, BLACK LIVES MATTERIf you’re looking to buy me a present, I’m a 2019 small and a 2020 large
Retweeted by Mama Pajama, BLACK LIVES MATTER👎🏽WuKid Wednesday👎🏽 We’ve been busy, but let’s bring back dat tweet call. Submit your tweets about: -Failure -Neg… https://t.co/GCMwOgtN8K
Retweeted by Mama Pajama, BLACK LIVES MATTERReal love is accepting your kid’s ornament placement even though it's always fucking wrong.
Retweeted by Mama Pajama, BLACK LIVES MATTEROffered without further commentary https://t.co/HTqGqBCiCx
Retweeted by Mama Pajama, BLACK LIVES MATTERThe guy next to me on the plane changed seats right before take off. Pretty rude since I’d already wiped down his t… https://t.co/fi49upv4d4
Retweeted by Mama Pajama, BLACK LIVES MATTERIf you use your stimulus check to buy baby chicks, then you got the money for nothing and the chicks for free.
Retweeted by Mama Pajama, BLACK LIVES MATTERGUYS SHE IS GROWING SO MUCH https://t.co/jis6zOQcQS
Retweeted by Mama Pajama, BLACK LIVES MATTERBrutal — and searingly beautiful. First ruling that has ever brought me to tears. https://t.co/xlWOXryids
Retweeted by Mama Pajama, BLACK LIVES MATTERMeanwhile, Four Seasons Total Landscaping quietly bidding on the Rose Garden.
Retweeted by Mama Pajama, BLACK LIVES MATTERMaking irresponsible purchases so I can stop crying is the real trickle-down economics
Retweeted by Mama Pajama, BLACK LIVES MATTERRudy Giuliani: The election was rigged because Trump didn't win Politey Giuliani: Trump lost and should respectfully concede
Retweeted by Mama Pajama, BLACK LIVES MATTERDid Trump pardon the whole turkey or just the white meat?
Retweeted by Mama Pajama, BLACK LIVES MATTER57 Days to Uncle Joe’s inauguration. I already know what I’m going to wear: relief. https://t.co/tR5kYtYMkF
Retweeted by Mama Pajama, BLACK LIVES MATTERThe more times I hear a phone number in an ad the more suspicious I get of the product.
Retweeted by Mama Pajama, BLACK LIVES MATTERAnyone else not think they'd spend their adult years defending 'science' and 'the mail'
Retweeted by Mama Pajama, BLACK LIVES MATTERHeartbroken to find out that Tony Montana never played football.
Retweeted by Mama Pajama, BLACK LIVES MATTERA quick-test plunged our lives into chaos last week then two more reliable tests were negative and plunged our live… https://t.co/uHf6R7G5hy
Retweeted by Mama Pajama, BLACK LIVES MATTERCan’t see my family for thanksgiving so I’m relying on strangers to ask me if I’ve gotten a real job yet.
Retweeted by Mama Pajama, BLACK LIVES MATTER*my male-order bride arrives* me: damn my dyslexia!
Retweeted by Mama Pajama, BLACK LIVES MATTER“May I take your order?” “Yes, I’d like-“ “Closer to the microphone, please.” “Sorry. May I have-“ “I’ll need you t… https://t.co/VlRrzbPSKy
Retweeted by Mama Pajama, BLACK LIVES MATTERGood news: I’ve finally made piece with auto correct.
Retweeted by Mama Pajama, BLACK LIVES MATTERspartacus: i’m spartacus member of crowd: no, i’m spartacus me: holy shit what are the odds
Retweeted by Mama Pajama, BLACK LIVES MATTERDryer repair man asked if he could use my washroom. Left the door open while he peed, flushed before finishing his… https://t.co/MH4grt5ekC
Retweeted by Mama Pajama, BLACK LIVES MATTER @TheWinegasm @LJokerella @dancampbell01 Yes!!! 😂😂😂HAVE ROADIES (esp. VIP, Merch, Stage Managers) RUN COVID TESTING SITES. We're all out of work and we all know how… https://t.co/pjOxDREm5U
Retweeted by Mama Pajama, BLACK LIVES MATTER*at the first ever rodeo* Guy: I have no idea what i'm meant to be doing
Retweeted by Mama Pajama, BLACK LIVES MATTER @elizabethbmore @urmumsausername Awesome! I love Maryland. ❤️🦀 @urmumsausername I’m in Maryland (US) https://t.co/Z2SweTbdiLThis is a tweet that I'm writing with the hope that I can make you smile and we could all do with a few smiles. Pl… https://t.co/6b5mcehalg
Retweeted by Mama Pajama, BLACK LIVES MATTER
11/25
2020
@SvnSxty Idk sounds anti-ghost to me.I'm EXTREMELY body positive I believe very deeply everyone should have a body
Retweeted by Mama Pajama, BLACK LIVES MATTER2/ Rep. Larry Hogan Sr, R-Md., is best known for his courageous votes for impeaching Nixon during Watergate in 197… https://t.co/J4Z1OYoLFY
Retweeted by Mama Pajama, BLACK LIVES MATTERIf you had done your job, America's governors wouldn't have been forced to fend for themselves to find tests in the… https://t.co/yJh6fiDbCU
Retweeted by Mama Pajama, BLACK LIVES MATTERGive Stacey Abrams $1b of Mike Bloomberg’s Money and See What Happens 2021 Challenge https://t.co/FVTjZAKuQB
Retweeted by Mama Pajama, BLACK LIVES MATTER“Twitter is filmed before a live studio audience.” Hi honey I’m *screams of anguish track plays for 22 minutes*
Retweeted by Mama Pajama, BLACK LIVES MATTERdon't assume someone's gender just because they are back in town
Retweeted by Mama Pajama, BLACK LIVES MATTERSo Biden is nominating a highly qualified civil servant with zero name recognition for Secretary of State? Wow, all… https://t.co/SONvfMxCkW
Retweeted by Mama Pajama, BLACK LIVES MATTERI'm enraged to have to feel relieved because a President, sulkily and weeks late, does the bare mininum. I'll take… https://t.co/WY6C9WFFny
Retweeted by Mama Pajama, BLACK LIVES MATTERNever forget that the big plan these scumbags had for reversing the election was to convince judges that Black vote… https://t.co/7nBl4sHaOj
Retweeted by Mama Pajama, BLACK LIVES MATTERJan. 20, 2021--Biden Takes Oath of Office And Becomes President in Latest Setback for Trump's Efforts
Retweeted by Mama Pajama, BLACK LIVES MATTERIf my kids ask you guys, I 100% invented the moonwalk. Cool?
Retweeted by Mama Pajama, BLACK LIVES MATTERWe shall remember Donald Trump by renaming “Malignant Personality Disorder” as “Trump Syndrome.”
Retweeted by Mama Pajama, BLACK LIVES MATTERhim: my dad left when I was younger, around 7 me: before rush hour, smart move
Retweeted by Mama Pajama, BLACK LIVES MATTEROh I get it. Fun onions.
Retweeted by Mama Pajama, BLACK LIVES MATTERDo other people’s Thanksgivings operate the way my house did where dinner might be ready any time between 3pm and 9… https://t.co/WRg42h1CiI
Retweeted by Mama Pajama, BLACK LIVES MATTER3yo: why do you have rips in your jeans? Me: I’m a badass. [looks at my butt] 3yo: looks good to me.
Retweeted by Mama Pajama, BLACK LIVES MATTERhope is a fucking dangerous thing. do it anyway. it’s what makes you beautifully brave.
Retweeted by Mama Pajama, BLACK LIVES MATTERHey, isn’t this that new White Supremacist site??? https://t.co/qqeVwYIJMQ
Retweeted by Mama Pajama, BLACK LIVES MATTER
11/24
2020
love when someone says 'are you okay? you've not seemed yourself lately' when you were perfectly fine until that mo… https://t.co/bjZTgML9Uh
Retweeted by Mama Pajama, BLACK LIVES MATTERWife: *putting shoes on* Time to take out the garbage Me: Can we please go back to calling it date night
Retweeted by Mama Pajama, BLACK LIVES MATTER
11/23
2020

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