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Standard disclaimer: I actually do love my children. I’m also a freelance writer. #resist

1,396 Following   6,078 Followers   49,773 Tweets

Joined Twitter 3/11/13

@blaireerskine You can have AC and AOC.
Retweeted by Mama PajamaERCOT spokesperson
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Retweeted by Mama Pajamai just saw a child rub the extra fun dip on his gums
Retweeted by Mama Pajama"Hey nerd, who brings a friggin book to a bar?" *my eyes narrow as I close my worn copy of Advanced Techniques for Winning Barroom Brawls*
Retweeted by Mama Pajamame: I can't decide what to have waiter: what about the duck? duck: I'll have lasagna
Retweeted by Mama PajamaSomething Gen Z will NEVER understand is my specific memories and experiences
Retweeted by Mama Pajamahave respect for every human life. we are all made in gods image. big computers on top. buncha important balloons in the middle. stilts.
Retweeted by Mama Pajama[makes a voodoo doll of himself] [gives it a little back rub]
Retweeted by Mama PajamaIt’s not a family hike unless a child refuses to walk.
Retweeted by Mama Pajamamy review of the sun: one star
Retweeted by Mama PajamaDrawing is wild. You think you know what Things look like and then 5 minutes later you're googling "bird"
Retweeted by Mama PajamaMe: Hey 4, could you put this in the sink for me? 4: No thank you! *dances away*
Retweeted by Mama Pajamawhatever you have to say to me you can say in front of little chris
Retweeted by Mama Pajamajesus god
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What if when the Death Star blew up Alderaan it exploded in a pink mist and as Leia is devastated by the loss of he…
Retweeted by Mama PajamaI try to present myself as a responsible adult on this web site but, full disclosure, I just ate a snack and then w…
Retweeted by Mama PajamaREPUBLICANS: America was founded on the sacred freedom to believe whatever you want, and anyone who says different should be thrown in jail
Retweeted by Mama PajamaI hate when singers say "and it goes a little something like this" and then the song goes exactly how it goes
Retweeted by Mama Pajama @mastrap84 Love yooouuuuuuuu!!!
venmo me $3 and i’ll comment “brave” under 3 pics of your ex
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HAPPY #NationalBestFriendsDay @ro_tel !!!!
Retweeted by Mama Pajamamen will literally go to the edge of space with their brother instead of going to therapy
Retweeted by Mama Pajamalol jeff bezos’ brother looks like the porn version of jeff bezos
Retweeted by Mama Pajamaanti-vaxx doctor exposes vaccine side effects
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Free beer, cash, weed, scholarships — guess I should’ve waited before allowing common sense and civic duty to make…
Retweeted by Mama Pajamame: I told our son it's ok to cry if you drop your ice cream wife: what did he say? me: he kept laughing at me
Retweeted by Mama Pajamame: [getting murdered by waiter] this is great thanks
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a guy ghosted me once as in he’d spell weird things with my fridge magnets and assist me in making pottery.
Retweeted by Mama Pajamamy cat is molting so there’s hair everywhere and somehow she used glue to spell out my name in white fur on the blue sofa she’s so cute
Retweeted by Mama PajamaTaco salads are great if you don’t want anyone noticing that you’re eating 20 tacos.
Retweeted by Mama PajamaThere are 114 R's in the words "Worcestershire Sauce".
Retweeted by Mama Pajamalooking like the young wife in a nicholas sparks movie who dies of something like “cold lung” and then watches from…
Retweeted by Mama Pajama @urmumsausername
My weapons of choice going in to battle: - a bra that shoots laser bullets - a really really big sword - the Macarena - crying
Retweeted by Mama Pajama @Ygrene Inflation would be a bitch tho @urmumsausername knew it would never work. She was a Ravenclaw and I was an adult who has read more than one book series.
Retweeted by Mama PajamaVery happy to once again not be allowed in bars due to my actions instead of science
Retweeted by Mama Pajamalately i have been leaning into the chaos of my hair. I allow her to make her own decisions and she whispers terrib…
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i don’t have time for this
Retweeted by Mama PajamaVaccinated ✅ Let the partying commence!
Retweeted by Mama PajamaOh f*ck oh no
Retweeted by Mama PajamaThis is what it felt like during election season having to explain that a failed treasure hunter who invented a pro…
Retweeted by Mama Pajama“we just had a situation where a dog threw up on a seat and uh.... we gotta get that cleaned up professionally. we…
Retweeted by Mama Pajamathinking about this dui scene from reno 911
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Cryptocurrency is out of control. Imagine dumping your life savings into something called DingleBucks.
Retweeted by Mama Pajamacruella deville’s mother being killed by dalmatians is the funniest possible origin story. like what if batman had…
Retweeted by Mama PajamaMy favorite part of every X-Men movie is the scene where Wolverine looks at his claws like he forgot he had them and then gets real mad
Retweeted by Mama PajamaSpilled my coffee this morning. I got fully vaccinated 4 weeks ago. You connect the dots.
Retweeted by Mama Pajamabusiness 101 classes: - touching base - getting on the same page - drilling down business 201 classes: - circling…
Retweeted by Mama PajamaBeen getting into gardening lately and I think it’s going well!
Retweeted by Mama PajamaIf you see this guy at your hospital bed don't worry about that essay that's due
Retweeted by Mama PajamaPinterest girls be like: I’m getting married in a barn but the barn is made of reclaimed barn wood from a different barn
Retweeted by Mama Pajama[vaccination centre] nurse: first or second dose? me: seventh nurse: what? me: (levitating toward her) seventh.
Retweeted by Mama Pajama @DrakeGatsby Hey! Happy birthday!!!🎂🎁🎈🎊🎉My therapist: <laughs at a joke I said> Me (to myself): This is great. I’m going to get a good grade in therapy, s…
Retweeted by Mama PajamaThe different flavors of La Croix
Retweeted by Mama Pajamacompanies in June: what’s the lgbTEA my tops and bottoms? don’t forget to try our new iced f*gg*t latte 🏳️‍🌈😈🥳
Retweeted by Mama Pajama @nypost Right-wing media tries to paint Bernie booking a standard hotel room as some kind of unreasonable demand wh…
Retweeted by Mama PajamaI usually demand that my hotel rooms are 80 degrees and humid with a basking rock by the window
Retweeted by Mama PajamaPoliticians can’t create a fucking sign up sheet and post it on a wall? Who is gonna stop you??
Retweeted by Mama PajamaWhat like it’s hard? I’ll form a commission right now. Who wants to be on the commission?
Retweeted by Mama PajamaStill not over the fact that there was a whole ass ad campaign for years promoting Milk. Just milk. Not a brand of…
Retweeted by Mama PajamaI would dress so much nicer at the airport if I didn’t have to go through security, but I’m not about to be the one…
Retweeted by Mama PajamaI’ve never been in a fight. If I’m ever threatened I simply flash the eyespots on my back and that’s usually enough
Retweeted by Mama Pajama @indigogloves Why are there any pretzels at all?Checking in w the fam before I take off
Retweeted by Mama PajamaI find it comforting that even space can’t stand their family.
Retweeted by Mama PajamaI know what I’ll be thinking about tonight! And every night! Forever!
Retweeted by Mama PajamaI miss thinking a chore chart for my kids would fix everything.
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Him: Don't get your panties in a bunch. Me: It's called a bulk pack, Todd. That's how Costco sells them.
Retweeted by Mama Pajamai cAn FiX hiM
Retweeted by Mama PajamaUgh, I know
Retweeted by Mama PajamaFollow my OnlyRules account, for those who get off on being told they’re wrong, using logic and facts.
Retweeted by Mama Pajamamarriage counselor: so what do you want in a relationship? me: ...
Retweeted by Mama PajamaIs it me or Nintendo be making their lead male protagonist look feminine as hell..barely no muscles or soft non-mal…
Retweeted by Mama Pajama9yo niece: *eyeing my engagement ring with suspicion* THAT doesn't look like a real diamond to me me: *eyeing my husband with suspicion*
Retweeted by Mama PajamaThe kids across the street never learned to talk, only to scream
Retweeted by Mama PajamaMy dad in 1999 listening to me talk about the Pokémon I caught today
Retweeted by Mama PajamaMe to my friends about any long chin hairs
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What they don’t tell you is that Humpty Dumpty is the name of the king
Retweeted by Mama PajamaBOSS: Know why I called you in here? ME: Because I accidentally sent you a dick pic BOSS [stops pouring 2 glasses of wine] Accidentally?
Retweeted by Mama PajamaI thought improv was totally fine but then I learned adults do it too???
Retweeted by Mama Pajama @KylePlantEmoji I actually love that hair. You should grow it backmy new diet is not buying things at the store that make the cashier say wow looks like someone’s having a party
Retweeted by Mama Pajamai declare this illegal
Retweeted by Mama Pajamasaw a flamingo sitting down at 9:46 this morning and i still haven’t recovered
Retweeted by Mama PajamaPineapples went way hard. Knives on top. Shark teeth around the sides. Once you get inside you think you’ve won unt…
Retweeted by Mama Pajama"The mutant revolution begins here--at Home Depot!"
Retweeted by Mama PajamaEverything happens for a reason you make up afterwards.
Retweeted by Mama PajamaThe learning is very subtle
Retweeted by Mama Pajamacats in the underworld be like Oedipspspsps
Retweeted by Mama Pajamashout out to this hustler who tried to sell merch at the crucifixion
Retweeted by Mama PajamaPrank your dog by loosening his collar a bit everyday and googling "shrinking dog syndrome" while he's on your lap
Retweeted by Mama Pajamame: [flips over] my bed: ah the cool side of the person
Retweeted by Mama Pajamabeing asked to do a few things recently like wear a mask, be anti racist, stand up for trans rights and not be a se…
Retweeted by Mama Pajamaso disappointed after seeing this photo & realizing that's a third llama in the back & not the arm of the right lla…
Retweeted by Mama Pajamawife: [watching the news] some idiot tried to fight a squid at the aquarium me: [covered in ink] maybe the squid was being a dick
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