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My writing's been found on food shopping lists & mini golf scores. (Avi by @Trixtopherduke)

1,512 Following   10,429 Followers   528,298 Tweets

Joined Twitter 10/9/15

Security experts have some concerns about Biden's Peleton. But Trump posed tons of security risks!It's called crossfit because you're really mad that you're doing it
Retweeted by Dannylord no. i’d rather stay single than that.
Retweeted by DannyJanuary 20th is “put out the trash” day for America.
Retweeted by DannyDo you think that there is any chance Sanaa Lathan would agree to make a guest appearance in one of my tweets?RT if you're proud to have voted for Legitimate Joe!Support your local roller derby.
Retweeted by DannyOh good. A snow squall warning. I don’t remember the last time we had a squall. Squish, yes. Squeeze even. Not a squall.
Retweeted by DannyI want someone who will stand by my bed and fan me while feeding me grapes. No weirdos.
Retweeted by Dannyi only have time for three modes: -worry about adult son -in the depths of counseling clients through the effects…
Retweeted by DannySorry I said now that you are vaccinated I’m turning grocery shopping duties back over to you.
Retweeted by DannyYou don’t have a nemesis you have a mental illness.
Retweeted by DannyTurns out all kinds of monsters can fit through a little crack in the door.
Retweeted by DannyFuck this day and I don’t mean that as a sexual innuendo.
Retweeted by DannyI don’t mind seeing an emotional and caring President
Retweeted by Danny.@MSNBC, please chuck Todd already.
Retweeted by Dannytoday’s In Political History: Humphrey, Duke of Gloucester (1391-1447) married his mistress, Eleanor Cobham, who wa…
Retweeted by DannyI used to love swimming in all types of water and now I won't get into small pools because there might sharks.
Retweeted by DannyDon't think of Jan 20 as the end of era, think of it as the end of an enema.
Retweeted by DannyREALLY? Our biggest worry about Biden being in the White House is that he has a Peloton?? You remember Donald Trump, right?
Retweeted by DannyAs my sweet mother used to say, “Good riddance.”
Retweeted by DannySister Sledge and MC Hammer have paired up this summer for the Sledge Hammer Tour.
Retweeted by DannyIn your 50s — suddenly and without warning — you begin to happily welcome cardigan sweaters into your wardrobe.
Retweeted by DannyAnd here I thought cancel culture was a reference to the Republicans continually voting no on arts funding.
Retweeted by DannyMy favorite oxymorons: Government intelligence Airline food Corporate culture Brief survey Fox News
Retweeted by DannyMy wife no longer says “I’ve had it up to here with you” because it’s gotten out of her reach.
Retweeted by DannyIn Momese, "Just a second" roughly translates to "I'm going to forget until 2am when I'm in bed overthinking for everyone."
Retweeted by Danny“Trump was a treasonous jerk. But please, don’t think you have a mandate to do stuff. Your candidate promised to un…
Retweeted by DannyTime machine jokes are offensive to me. A time machine killed my great-great-grandson.
Retweeted by DannyIt’s weird how in almost every movie set in the future the characters have futuristic clothing and technology, but…
Retweeted by Danny[job interview] Me: Do you have a cry room? Interviewer: Oh, you have kids? Me: No.
Retweeted by DannyWeird how the Book of Revelation never mentions stores running out of toilet paper.
Retweeted by Danny @JohnLyonTweets pseriously!I’m sick of silent letters taking up space in our words and not doing any work. Get a job, freeloaders!
Retweeted by DannyIt's not really a pardon but he could at least free Britney.
Retweeted by DannyHappy Birthday to this guy (gouache and ink on paper) #EdgarAllanPoe #Poe
Retweeted by DannyIs anyone actually retweeting anything?
Retweeted by Danny @kimtopher22 ❤️ @kimtopher22 They were real patriots and heroes. Their service is appreciated. May the memories of them continue to chime as a blessing.These two men, my brother and my father, were Patriots. Both worked to help the local people while deployed, and co…
Retweeted by Dannymay god have mercy on your soul(cycle)
Retweeted by DannyMe: I love imagining what we could do together *slow wink* Policeman: I just said 'come with me'
Retweeted by DannyFYI: I’m expecting a pardon from Trump soon. Thus, I will not need to continue tweeting to fulfill my community service obligation.
Retweeted by DannyThe greatest advantage of big boobs is that after they sag enough they become nunchucks. Good enough, send
Retweeted by DannyLooking forward to the series finale of America's Worst President
Retweeted by DannyWhat if he pardons someone we think is dead but isn't and they reappear?
Retweeted by DannyControversial opinion here but kid contestants on tv shows are AWFUL
Retweeted by DannyTrump gets sued so much post-presidency that the family end up having to move to a duplex in North Jersey. The sidi…
Retweeted by DannyThose who speak ill of French wine are vin-dicative.
Retweeted by Danny
No, thank 𝙮𝙤𝙪.
Retweeted by DannyJoe & Jill right now
Retweeted by DannyWould you love me if I ate the stars
Retweeted by DannyI loved to see my little kids eating cakes covered in powdered sugar. I would give them a bite and have them look i…
Retweeted by DannySure, I want to, but not really
Retweeted by DannyA man upset that a woman is a feminist tells me everything I need to know about the man
Retweeted by DannyDONALD TRUMP: [lights a house on fire every day for four years] JOE BIDEN: [given a watering can from the outgoing…
Retweeted by DannyMamas don’t let your babies grow up to be reply guys 🎶
Retweeted by DannyElon Musk uses mindfulness [hands] to print a pdfs from the air
Retweeted by DannyVetting? Did they all take a lie detector test? I doubt it. It is one of the biggest challenges for our country ove…
Retweeted by DannyCan't be said enough: we toppled a dictator.
Retweeted by DannyEverybody thinks they can win me over with red velvet donuts.
Retweeted by DannyI have to stop living in denial and just admit it. I don’t have the laundry skills required to own sweaters.
Retweeted by DannyFuck it, I’m wearing a tutu to work
Retweeted by DannyWhat do you call a cow that plays hockey? Mario Lem-moo Hi, dugglebutt here. Now that I have your attention, I’d…
Retweeted by DannyYou should always have people in your life who make your heart ache
Retweeted by DannyDress me up in your hands
Retweeted by DannyI only read about habits of successful people so I know what to avoid
Retweeted by DannyI just need to make better decisions starting 20 years ago
Retweeted by DannyCan’t. Eating five more pies so I can be the bigger person
Retweeted by DannyArt major hopes you enjoyed the Non-Jackson Pollock & that you have room for dessert.
Retweeted by DannyNo pictures with Trump. So messy.
Retweeted by DannyThe only thing about whatsisname being gone from Twitter is we can't all simultaneously tweet at him: YOU'RE FIRED
Retweeted by DannyJust great. Now when I hit the dance floor and do the robot I insult the robots. "We don't dance like that you damn…
Retweeted by DannyAt my funeral I want everyone to blame themselves, scream "WHY, WHY...??!!" and fight each other to climb into the coffin with me.
Retweeted by DannyA third vaccine is coming out. Hurray! Now there are THREE vaccines you can't get!
Retweeted by Danny[Butcher Shop] Joe: I never know which ground beef to buy [FROM OUT OF NOWHERE] Dolly Parton: Joe - lean Joe -…
Retweeted by DannyBe a Dolly Parton, not a Donald Trump.
Retweeted by DannyDolly Parton certainly has her knockers, but I think she's awesome.
Retweeted by DannyWhat is Dolly Parton's favorite comic? Maxine, Maxine, Maxine, MAXINE
Retweeted by Dannythe male version of Dolly Parton's song is Brolene
Retweeted by DannyDon’t talk to me about Dolly Parton until I’ve had my cup of ambition
Retweeted by Danny┏┓ ┃┃╱╲ in ┃╱╱╲╲ this ╱╱╭╮╲╲ house ▔▏┗┛▕▔ we listen to ╱▔▔▔▔▔▔▔▔▔▔╲ Dolly Parton ╱╱┏┳┓╭╮┏┳┓ ╲╲ ▔▏┗┻┛┃┃┗┻┛▕▔
Retweeted by DannyUniversal Treasure Dolly Parton is 75! Happy Birthday ❤️❤️
Retweeted by DannyTests positive for COVID Listens to Doctors instructions Get tons of texts with unsolicited advice #life
Retweeted by DannyWhen your Cabin fever is COVID fever
Retweeted by DannyHears sobering news Gets drunk
Retweeted by DannyGets chills While chilling
Retweeted by DannyAll I’m saying is - being that I’m a positive person It was only a matter of time until I would test Positive
Retweeted by DannyWhen @Buddhatree heard about Tiffany Trump's fiance did he say "Boulos? Boulos? Golly.""Now to a 20 minute, pre-recorded message that #IlDuce―" NO. Off.
Retweeted by Danny“Like a miracle...he will just disappear!”
Retweeted by DannyI screwed up drawing on my eyebrows. Tired to fix them. Now I’m fronting a Siouxsie and the Banshees tribute band.
Retweeted by DannyWho called it a member of British parliament eating snack cakes at a chain hotel and not BoJo eating Ho-Hos at a HoJo?
Retweeted by DannyIf he doesn’t pardon Joe Exotic I say impeach him a third time.
Retweeted by Danny @Mom_Overboard is this a steady someone? because it sounds like someone who might jump around.imagine meeting your soulmate and before every sexual encounter they said pack it up pack it in let me begin
Retweeted by DannyThat tweet was clever until you spelled whoa as woah
Retweeted by DannyImagine the most horrible boss you’ve ever had being led out out of your place of employment, being replaced by the…
Retweeted by Danny @_SingleBabyMama A lot better. (Seriously, I'm parked in a lot.) (More seriously, OMG! Glad you're okay.)Forgot to set the parking brake and almost rolled off the side of a parking garage, how’s your day going?
Retweeted by Danny