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Martin Williams @Martin1Williams Scotland, United Kingdom

Journalist at Scotland's The Herald with bohemian take on news & sport. Deadly serious about music. And trying to keep smiling through the corona nightmare

1,279 Following   71,278 Followers   50,430 Tweets

Joined Twitter 2/21/12

Convince folk you're a con artist by painting a picture of someone in jail.The #PCWorld tech guys are rubbish. They couldn't replace my broken 'enter' key on my keyboard. Won't be returning anytime soonGaffeTastic #ChrisKamara 'In a way he didnt concede a goal coz ball wasnt over the line but it was given so I suppo… Avoid punctures by simply spraying No More Nails on your tyres.WhatHollywoodTaughtUs Natural disasters only occur where they can cause the most damage & casualtiesTop100ScottishBands 31 #Bis were the first 'unsigned' band to do #TopOfThePops. #TeenCPower appeals court has upheld a ban on pitbulls. That's another victory in the war on terrierOnce crashed my car into a lemon tree. Am still bitter and twisted.Bloody coronavirus prevented the Sauvignon Blanc delivery. Now the Merlot is corked. And just found out all the Pin… terrified that a surgeon was about to graft a rodent's posterior onto my rear. Turns out I was rat a*sedGaffeTastic #MickChannon 'Believe it or not goals can change a game' Peter Pan punches they Neverland.Im officially in the clear over not having a TV licence. I explained that I hadn't evaded paying for one I avoided it.Finished the book Zero Gravity. It was impossible to put down.Convince your other half that you're a pro snooker player by tapping the dinner table when she cooks a fine meal.I'm great mates with 25 of the letters of the alphabet. I don't know why.Scots today take first steps in new effort to ban betting sponsorship and advertising in football #JohnMotson 'The match has become quite unpredictable but it still looks as though Arsenal will win the… to make it up with my girlfriend after she left me over my @TheStoneRoses obsession. She won't listen. She's made of stone.
My girlfriend says she will walk out if I don't end my obsession with #MichaelJackson. I wish she would just beat it & leave me alone.WeirdCovers #Smiths fans run fi cover. #DanielMerriweather & #MarkRonson do #StopMeIfYouThinkYouveHeardThisOneBefore how to create an online argument on line in two easy stages. 1) State an opinion. 2) Wait.What do we want? Northern Irish accents. When do we want them? Noiy.Had to go to hospital vomiting after eating out in a restaurant. Doctor said he needed a stool sample. So I gave him the cushioned seatGaffeTastic #MartinTyler 'McCarthy shakes his head in agreement with the referee' 32 @HueAndCry.. The Kane bros from Coatbridge had swagger #IRefuse daughter came home with a tattoo last night & I wasn't impressed.'You're not bringing a flippin marching band into this house' I said.How did i get out of Iraq? IranGaffeTastic #SteveCoppell 'At the end of the day it's all about what's on the shelf at the end of the year' who is this Lorraine and why exactly did Adele set fire to her?WhatHollywoodTaughtUs In a two cop partnership only one is streetwise owns a cool car or has a familyMy PC has been at a standstill for half an hour so I chucked the keyboard at the wall. I lost CTRLGaffeTastic 'You score 3 goals at home u win the game you score 3 goals anywhere u win the game' Aidy Boothroyd aft… the belief that things are always in the last place you look by finding my mobile & going on to look for it in two other placesFunniestMisheardLyrics 'Tick it.. tick it.. tick it like a qualified teacher.' #Outkast #HeyYa once crooned 'When Will I Be Famous.. I can't answer that'. I can. In 1987 and 1988.GaffeTastic 'Ronald Koeman was always going to be the first finger to be pointed at'. #PaulMerson Moving elderly from Scots hospitals to homes during the coronavirus pandemic may have been illegal Diplomacy (n) The art of letting someone else have your wayPet hate annoying cliched word of the month? 'Woke'. Not the word to define what i did to get out of bed. But the… situation at Glasgow University is a disgrace given all the classes are online. Money over lives, and inevitabl…
Retweeted by Martin WilliamsTotally predictable. Shame 'the science' that is supposed to dictate our government didnt work that out.
Watching TV is a nightmare nowadays: Violence fighting cursing swearing... just to get the remote..The Greeks have run out of Hummus and Taramasalata. It really is a double dip recession nowWeirdCovers #SnowPatrol decided its a good idea to try out #TheUndertones' classic #TeenageKicks #travestyGaffeTastic #MurrayWalker 'He is right on the ragged edge of flying off the circuit & staying off it' Moses said to God 'So is this right? The Arabs get the oil & we get the right to cut the tips off our what?”Going to the Royal Mail fancy dress party. I will be there in a jiffy.WhatHollywoodTaughtUs Lipstick will never rub off...even while scuba diving.Why don't people disappear into fat air?Top100ScottishBands 33 Aberdeen indie-rockers #Geneva formed in 1992 were best when melancholy #WorryBeads will often find that it is actually medicine that is the best medicineSticking your chin under someone's chin is an ideal way of discovering if they like a chin under their chinGaffeTastic #ChrisKamara 'Oooh great block from..err... ah.. one of the Millwall players. Still 0-0 err 1-0' told me it was impossible to cross a poodle with a dodo. Turned out to be a doddle.There's been an bomb blast at the paint factory where my mate works. He's missing presumed red.This is why you never see your father cry @PLoyalties To say it is brave is an understatement.Official probe urged as Scots' life expectancy slumps to lowest in Western Europe hats off to Kirsty Blackman MP for going public with her mental health issues. Reading her tweets have m… 'Everywhere you gooo always take De Gea with you.' @ManUtd do Crowded House
I'm not hungover. I have wine fluIf we have to have SEVEN portions of fruit & veg a day #Starburst are gonna have to get their finger out & add a few more flavours.CrazyParentsLogic 'Because I said so that's why'GaffeTastic #JamesSanderson 'Well Ibrox is filling up slowly but rapidly' #RangersCan an atheist get insurance for acts of God?ThingsYouWontHearInTheWhiteHouse Welcome PresidentSchwarzeneggerDue to see my psychic at the end of the week. But she called me up & told me I wouldnt be able to make itI've had enough of rubbish celebrity calendars. Their days are numbered.Why is the third hand on the watch called the second hand?Ive been hallucinating lately. But I'm getting better. I am starting to see a psychiatristGaffeTastic #ChrisKamara 'He guides his header with his head well he would with his head wouldnt he' cash on overpriced journeys to see the Northern Lights by squinting at traffic lightsMy car brake light keeps coming on. So I had to get that disconnectedProtest set for Glasgow today as fears mount over huge Scots council tax rises to fill '£1bn funding black hole''Inclusive' Rolling Stone best 500 albums of all time is topped by Marvin Gaye - & you won't guess the top Scots pe… racket? Two in three brand grocery packs are not fully recyclable with crisps biggest culprit police tried to pull me over for not having a rear view mirror. But I didnt see them.Three Scots areas are judged the places to be in the UK to sell a house quickly racket? Two in three brand grocery packs are not fully recyclable with crisps biggest culprit is it called 'after dark' when it really is 'after light'?
DaftDictionary Debate (n) What lures de fishesTop100ScottishBands 34 London-born and Edinburgh-bred composer, performer and producer @AnnaHMeredith twists betwee… #DavidColeman 'Don't tell those coming in the result of that fantastic match. Let's have another look a… Those who don't know their parentage turn out to be either very rich or aristocracyWhat we all need is Beyonce the Tank Engine. phoned the RAC over 8000 times in one week. I am having some sort of breakdownCrazyThingParentsSay 'Will you look at that dirt on the back of your neck'New bridges or tunnels could end A83 Rest and be Thankful chaos - but final decision wont' be till next year Dont show a picture of your sweetheart back home if you want to survive any battle in a war."We’ve relied too much on saying ‘town X is ok because it has an ATM’ or ‘that group of people can get to a bank br… I am, stuck in the middle with ewe bunny was kung fu fighting decided to clone a new more efficient version of my brain. But then I realized that I was getting a head of myself.Went to see Walt Disney on ice. Was rubbish. Just some old chap in a freezer.My wife said she was leaving me because I don't understand her. I said 'What d'ye mean?'Scotland really HAS recorded the most positive coronavirus cases in a single day since the pandemic hit the nation.… girlfriend has left me because she can't cope with my obsession with #BlackEyedPeas. Where is the love?Organisers of the annual Glasgow Carnival at the #SECC wondered if I had any criticisms of the ghost train. I said nothing leapt out at me.Coronavirus: Scots will be left 'out of pocket' by Nicola Sturgeon's October holiday travel guidance