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Martin Williams @Martin1Williams Scotland, United Kingdom

Journalist at Scotland's The Herald with bohemian take on news & sport. Deadly serious about music, tho. More influential than Ewan McGregor':#Peerindex 2014

1,357 Following   66,879 Followers   44,414 Tweets

Joined Twitter 2/21/12


FunniestMisheardLyrics #Mamas&Papas #CaliforniaDreamin 'All the leaves are round & this guy is gay' https://t.co/2HfyfAnYCc
1/29
2020
@DarkJersey YesTop100WeirdCovers 61 #AmiiStewart unforgiveably disco-fied #TheDoors classic #LightMyFire https://t.co/0MRp7iwc9CI had my eyes peeled. https://t.co/gh4pQwFp9OAvoid identity theft by changing your name to Justin BieberGaffeTastic 'Altidore lacks a bit of refinery to his game' #DarrenFletcher's oil rightTurned down a minimum wage job as a ruler tester with Helix to work for Staples. You have to draw the line somewhereGet to grips with a man obsessed with the metric system by walking 1.609 kilometres in his shoesMy mate claims he makes clockwork models of Bale Ronaldo and Benzema. He's a Real wind-up merchant.Athletes who cheat when running the marathon always cross the finish lying. @irajersey Yes.. in ScotlandI have just lost my job as an assistant at a posh millinery. Coz I cry at the drop of a hat.It is understood that when they hit the Glasgow stage, it will be the first time that original members Axl Rose, Sl… https://t.co/5he6pwmXfaWhen a body is found it is ALWAYS found by a man with a dog. Why don't the police just give the snooping maestros a job.Welcome to the Jungle: Guns N' Roses to play major concert in Glasgow https://t.co/NiXB2XXvVAWhoever said 'it’s all about opinions” is just plain wrong.If the judge likes the sound of his own voice expect a long sentence.Turn a tired old jumble sale into a stylish 'vintage fair' by taking the same old tat & raising the prices from £1 to £50GaffeTastic 'Football is a democracy. There’s always a dictator at the top.” #DavidPleat https://t.co/wN4X2amcb5Top100WeirdCovers 62 Electropopster #Frankmusik clodhops all over #AmyWinehouse's #Rehab https://t.co/Ec74iSOuNvChills x Chills x Chills + Losing Control + Power You're Supplying = Electrifying
1/28
2020
I was researching eccentricity & spotted one of the keys on my laptop says '8?'. It's a weird twist of f8DaftDictionary Kerry. What a Glasgwegian does when he is taking the shopping home.Mate says he can eat two tubs of ice cream a day & still not put on an ounce of weight. He's talking metabolics.ImprobableThingsToReadInAKidsBook 'What's a gruffalo?' said the gruffalo. 'It's a buffalo on 30 a day.'GaffeTastic #ClarkCarlisle 'It's an unprecedented precedent' https://t.co/E7BHj8w6FpScrappedMovieQuotes We're going to need a boat that's far larger than the one we are currently in actuallyIf you wear a blindfold when clay pigeon shooting you won't know what you're missingA big ass tree https://t.co/NG9BPrmzOkShoppers.Use 1 Euro coin in the trolley chain saving 14p on £1 at current rates.If pound devalues simply shop in Europe & use a £1 coinI think it is entirely normal to have three buttocks. But then I could be biased🎥| Shawn, Camila, Niall and Lewis singing "Someone You Loved" #GRAMMYs https://t.co/LefVUidybk
Retweeted by Martin WilliamsJust discovered Gucci have come up with a fashionable garden pruner. It's the latest in cutting hedge fashionBeen playing the French Horn for seven years. My lungs are flippin killing meTop100WeirdCovers 63 #BonnieRaitt extracts quirk from #TalkingHeads classic #BurningDownTheHouse https://t.co/T48XIGxKIlFelt sorry for #GrangeHill actors. Not only did they have to go to a real school they had to spend spare time pretending to go to another"People in Scotland should be at the centre of the fight against its toxic air and councils should take the steps n… https://t.co/lq1QB2NSGAUsed to work at #Starbucks but got tired of the daily grind"Are we dealing with the issue properly? The bottom line is no." https://t.co/QQQRfui08N#DailyMail. It appears that some women celebrities lose weight & others put it on. Possible running story idea?Video: Walker rescued in Fife after being trapped in cave by rising tide https://t.co/Hio36h9L7rConvince everyone you are important by ending your Twitter name with the word 'official'GaffeTastic 'Matic opens his legs up and he's a big big man' #IainDowie is observant https://t.co/ZQmINTdSJD
1/27
2020
GenuineSillyHeadlines 'Meeting on open meetings is closed' https://t.co/J4DtXUTLQ8Top100WeirdCovers 64 Indie-rockers #YoLaTengo silly take on the #Prince classic #WhenDovesCry https://t.co/gP1qdXeIvrScotland's weather: Forecasters warning over Monday snow and ice https://t.co/f8svHBj1EpHere I am, stuck in the middle with ewe https://t.co/3Sq7eYDRTESave money on fake tans by developing jaundice and blushing. Simply adjust your brass neck to the shade requiredWhatWeLearnedFromSoaps If you walk into a pub even on ur first visit & say 'Pint please' the barman will know exactly what drink you wantTo be clear, I didn’t call a consultive referendum a “wildcat referendum”. https://t.co/6sWsXREuEz
Retweeted by Martin WilliamsJust opened my plush new hotel called Taste. But for some reason I can't get anyone to do the accounting.People from London started calling their wives 'er indoors' coz they all looked like Jim Morrison.Every bunny was king fu fighting https://t.co/eAFInscmVwJust went to the Glasgow Film Festival. Saw a notice in one building saying 'Watch Repair Service'. Odd movie subject matter. @bea_johanssen Not sure what you mean. A referendum is the ultimate opinion poll.Even more roadworks through Lenzie. It must be some kind of Scottish record. https://t.co/MZSoFgsWoeThe iburpofen gel is flippin useless. Ive eaten three tubes now and seen zero effect.Teacher asked whether my son whether he had any maths apparatus. He said he had a broken abacus. She said: 'That doesn't count'I quit as a rubbish marathon runner with ill-fitting trainers. I couldnt cope with the agony of de feetDaftDictionary Caw. What a Glaswegian does when he uses his mobile phoneGaffeTastic #RayWilkins 'That's exactly how you head a ball... you use your head' https://t.co/LVbvWf72oSI actually put this to the Scottish Government some weeks ago. Why not just do it yourself, without Westminster s… https://t.co/AEs0WS5Tqj @BennyN88 @andyc__ @HRwritesnews @HMcArdleHT @NeilMackay @realmckay @foreigncorr1 @iainmacwhirter @theheraldsun By… https://t.co/jjzJbCCrgpThis weekend's #heraldonsunday. Gaelic-only houses? Golf courses getting washed away? Drowning towns? And much more… https://t.co/iXuF2EVG1B
Retweeted by Martin Williams @Martin1Williams @YvonneJames7 Excellent comment. It's going to have to be canoes for millions of people before lon… https://t.co/LLQpyqt7dw
Retweeted by Martin WilliamsGot sacked from my job as a restaurant server because I brought nothing new to the table"I don't give a monkeys where we get the funding from, you are either going to be giving the residents of Montrose… https://t.co/kJ8P2Kn5xVWhile my dying mum could not handle my brother's sex resassignment.. he never left her side. He was always a Jason to her.“Coastal communities, infrastructure and landscapes already face threats from flooding and coastal erosion. These t… https://t.co/46MH0eC6rLFunniestMisheardLyrics #HallAndOates or #PaulYoung 'Every time you go away you take a piece of meat with you'Took Bonnie Tyler for a coffee. But she won't go to Starbucks or Costa. Think she’s holding out for a Nero.
1/26
2020
I’m a Kleptomaniac & a Hypochondriac. I scour hospital wards stealing other peoples diseasesHouseowners. Dont throw money away on an expensive safe. Simply store all your valuables in an empty #XFactor box set.The annoying thing is when you actually have a gun in your pocket nobody asks you anything.Amateur snooker players. Show you're more skilful player than you are by grimacing frowning & sounding disappointed after every stray shotUsed to be a banker but lost interest.Mate fired his argumentative masseuse today. She just rubbed him up the wrong way.GaffeTastic #StanCollymore 'Matty Jarvis had acres of time there'Top100WeirdCovers 66 Papier mache headed #FrankSidebottom kills #JoyDivision's #LoveWillTearUsApart stone dead https://t.co/BohbYdkgwGI'm that ancient.. I recall when a plasma screen was a blood testThinking of the advantages of a move to Switzerland. Well.. the flag is a big plus.UnlikelyThingsToHearOnAPropertyShow: What a pong!Get that fish out of here. You should never leave a plaice in the sunGaffeTastic 'United need a player of Juan Mata's statue' #GerryFrancisSlash the risk of falling down a manhole by strapping manhole covers to your bootsThe Post Bank would be hosted by the post office network in order to ensure communities across the UK have access t… https://t.co/42AfAFl5zkA million adults & 150000 children are obese in Scotland These of course are only round figuresMate was arrested after his therapist suggested he take something for kleptomaniaTo be fair even WITH a paddle.. Sh*t Creek sounds like a place to avoid
1/25
2020
GaffeTastic #ClaytonBlackmore 'It's never over until somebody sings'Going to enter the World Crying Championships. Well up for it.A hi-fi expert took #PaulMcCartney's speakers from his English home & placed them in Glasgow. All his trebles are so far away.Mirrors: Skype for schizosDelighted with those lovely people at #HMRC telling me my tax return was 'outstanding' particularly since I can't remember sending it inAn investigation has been launched following a burglary at a quilt-making factory. Police are searching for a motif.Except we actually won't. It is just the start of an 11-month transition period. We remain in the bloc's customs… https://t.co/at5sGgNcS7A guy has just been stopped at Glasgow Airport with a suspected case of Corona. https://t.co/FtjD2yDTeYJust fooled everyone that I got a hole in one by buying all 78 people in the golf club a pint. Ha ha! Numpties.Just went to view a beautiful thatched cottage with period features. But I really shouldn't keep calling my wife that.DaftDictionary Bile. What a Glaswegian does to someone's heid if they have irritated him.Top100WeirdCovers 67 Metallers #MachineHead create a screamo riot over #ThePolice's #MessageInABottle https://t.co/XSCxqJwEAw
1/24
2020

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