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I write comedy, occasionally date your aunt, and take photos of liquor stores which you can purchase on my website.

1,052 Following   355,691 Followers   17,020 Tweets

Joined Twitter 2/8/11


@MissyXMartinez Bukowski and Jerry'sLove this photo, though I'm not sure how I feel about whisky blended with cream. I once put tequila in a milkshake… https://t.co/t4VnjhjTHQahhh, print lab day, the one day of the week I can put all of life's bullshit in the rearview for a moment and gaze… https://t.co/kRGjZV3B2S
1/15
2021
what every post on Parler thinks it is vs. what it really is https://t.co/ztTsgsjH8bthat's just Ben Shapiro frozen in carbonite https://t.co/PnaC5IpNNJwas he killed in a Wes Anderson movie? https://t.co/89RUt8tFs7Disney's Hall of Presidents will eventually just be an animatronic Gerald Ford listing his favorite soups https://t.co/aFumG4BDlEthis double feature of Murder By Death & Clue is just what I need. Thanks, @TCM!this is like Nixon getting banned from Laugh-In https://t.co/DxVq5ynju5glad it got there so fast. finding blood in my book is like finding a golden ticket in a Wonka Bar. Enjoy! get your… https://t.co/Qn6aU7dCIF
1/14
2021
@OfficialKat I binged Chernobyl after the 1st impeachment. It was such a simpler timeif you think Trump is enraged about getting impeached twice wait'll Melania divorces him and starts dating a black guynothing says New York like the Ann Taylor Loft where CBGB's used to be https://t.co/qOoQk7smxiLiterally every regular human I know owns a box cutter. https://t.co/1Yd5HqXKNTnicely done. and I love Disaronno, reminds me of high school when I worked in a law firm mail room one summer and a… https://t.co/gs1goZ0wHV @1SpencerGarrett @AnthonyHopkins it's what I dotaking a break from the madness to watch Remains of the Day - the final scene between @anthonyhopkins and Emma Thom… https://t.co/ysd69PT8Xhall right, time to move some damn merch. People ask what 'detours' means in 'Liquor Stores & Detours' and it's phot… https://t.co/MCjhEWn9SW
Retweeted by Matt Oswalt
1/13
2021
"Welcome to the ICU, pal!" https://t.co/lKmeYpw0REis she single? https://t.co/sAh2xK8cpWis there any politician whose career culminated in one single moment of redemption and failed more than Mike Pence?… https://t.co/rzutkVbNbA @rosariodawson Trump must feel so deflatedplease go buy a ticket for my brothers streaming comedy special despite that shirt he's wearing https://t.co/jAcjByFyIR @KenJennings with her feet @KenJennings good luck, say hi to Vanna for me!
1/12
2021
if they really want to make sure Trump supporters don't do any harm to the Washington Monument they should surround… https://t.co/qtw1S24C5iif Parler shuts down Twitter should let Nazis back on but update the site making it impossible to send a tweet unle… https://t.co/QoDiIeSnUF @Johngcole damn, yer right!this is my Iwo Jima. A month ago my apartment was filled with boxes of books with no end in sight. Now just one las… https://t.co/XiWQwGJQrd
Retweeted by Matt Oswaltshoes on telephone wires. does this mean you can buy drugs nearby or is this code that Lloyd's Liquors still sells… https://t.co/dAp3rqyhYhI love this movie so much. https://t.co/UeBdOl2zSLat this point the only way to heal the divide in our nation is if Kathy Griffin holds up Mike Pence's head in a noose
1/11
2021
in a normal world I'd be totally impressed with someone who could get banned from this many websites in a day https://t.co/pUvQNbpflg @GaryRuckerNOLA yeah, they all come signed. go to the website I posted and click 'buy the book' - easy.this is my Iwo Jima. A month ago my apartment was filled with boxes of books with no end in sight. Now just one las… https://t.co/XiWQwGJQrdlooks cozy wrapped up in that blanket. like a bottle of Four Roses in a brown paper bag. Enjoy! get yours>>… https://t.co/ZE35bQ7Dy0 @GerryDuggan @NEILMAHONEY stunned. one of the first people I met when I moved to LA. such a sweet guy. will miss him.
1/10
2021
@soledadobrien still more articulate than Kirk Cameron explaining science @mileskahn Hands Across America Civil War Epcot Center @ScottAdamsSays wow, you played the 'what if' card pretty quickly, Scott. That's a tell you have no rebuttal. OK, I… https://t.co/uL4HpUmzBDIt's a close call, but I still gotta go with slavery as America's biggest mistake https://t.co/G5UZSne8uJ @BebeNeuwirth @MJMcKean Lawrence Olivier's performance in Marathon Man is positively Szellian @MJMcKean this Meatloaf concert is pure bat out of hellian @RealStAubin they're ok, but even a bad donut is still pretty good @CharleyRose62 I know, I should've charged more. I'm an idiot.Limp Bizkit at Woodstock '99 vs Limp Bizkit at Six Flags '09 https://t.co/hoVSPkNPeqall right, time to move some damn merch. People ask what 'detours' means in 'Liquor Stores & Detours' and it's phot… https://t.co/MCjhEWn9SWso anyway, where were we four years ago on Twitter before Trump interrupted us? Oh yeah, #FatMovies - Pie Hardmy prediction is Trump resigns on his last day in office and his toadie Pence pardons him and for the rest of his l… https://t.co/UBB4QL3Dv7 @davidcrosss hey, give the guy a chanceTrump just gave me the nuclear codes on Cameo for $45
1/9
2021
RIP Jeff TiedrichWill politicians please stop calling for Trump's impeachment on Twitter. What the fuck do you expect us to do about… https://t.co/zKLJjQgvBS"accidentally" https://t.co/R0hORYvVhB @theboydello yup @SarahKSilverman might have to express her anal glands. it's easy, there are tutorials on Youtube. I don't even have a dog and I watch them. @birbigs one first thing in the morning and that's it. I used to have a second cup around 2 for a midday jolt but I stoppedin case anyone needs a break from this hellish week, here are some photos people sent me of their cats with my book… https://t.co/P08atp8TsvI hope Trump isn't impeached before he has a chance to unveil his fantastic health planbeautiful, is that a Polaroid you took of my book? very Mapplethorpian. get yours while you still can -… https://t.co/Sy8dolYC8k
1/8
2021
@RealMerrinD that's why I take nostalgic photos of liquor stores and neon at night because I know one day it'll all be gonethis is actually taken BEFORE the US Capitol assault. I know because they played 'Gloria' before Trump went out and… https://t.co/FQj9k0kN0I @EdwinTheRedwin it will! @TriciaOKelley @pattonoswalt his life changed in a Quibiheaded to the post office later today with yet another stack of photography books on their way to all parts of the… https://t.co/6iSOZor1qFRepublicans jumping off the Titanic after it already hit the bottom of the oceanI hope authorities can somehow track down these stealthy protesters who broke into the US Capitol, livestreamed the… https://t.co/XMsGBlw5Az @blainecapatch they could've at least burned Mark Russells pianoTrump is gonna finish out his term at White House Total Landscaping @andylassner I know, they should have immediately certified Biden as a 'fuck you' to Trump and saved the speeches for lastlike taking away John Wilkes Booth's SAG card after he shot Lincoln https://t.co/LUSdVBw735
1/7
2021
so far 2021 is just 2020 with bangs @nachosarah Kanye is single!"Top of the world, step-ma!" https://t.co/Ehpme7QCMlguns drawn in the house chamber and Confederate flags in the hallway Exactly the series finale to the Trump preside… https://t.co/zkChWfuZVeif these were armed black protesters storming the US Capitol there'd be a body count by nowMcConnell's finest moment https://t.co/du0DQHWnfO @bader_diedrich @mybadauditions that's a very common response to my photographynow that the election is over tell me which one you prefer, color or B&W (if this location looks familiar it's the… https://t.co/WIwuLKA8rN'Leaning Ossoff' sounds like a mid-90's indie movie that Steven Seagal wrote, directed, and starred in to prove to… https://t.co/bI0Hbt1BmYand now Kelly Loeffler has a decision every GOP candidate must face, either concede or next week get Covid from bre… https://t.co/pi6t5eyGwhit's ALWAYS Christmas when my book arrives, at least that's what Santa says after he fails a breathalyzer. Enjoy!… https://t.co/qvEH7ivyKT @richardmarx clearly he's never had a root canal @LeaKThompson though I bet his wife writes his name on his underwearKim Kardashian is divorcing Kanye citing irreconcilable narcissism
1/6
2021
@MargHelgen thankfully Covid checks to make sure you have a green card before infecting you @RedHourBen damn, you're in a good mood. are the Knicks above .500 or something?no he doesn't you fucking moron. It's a ceremonial thing. It's like demanding a free desert at Medieval Times becau… https://t.co/x1qead40cjso glad it finally arrived. Enjoy! you can get your own at https://t.co/bitYwTfbh4 https://t.co/4EXEkV0vewright after the Hooters waitress finally gives you her phone number but just before you look at it and see it begin… https://t.co/RNzJWEmphfTres Comas - that looks deliciously dangerous. Enjoy! order your book>> https://t.co/bitYwTfbh4 https://t.co/Swzw8RNPjm @lalahhathaway the first time I went to Toi on Sunset it was the best meal I ever had. The next 5 times, the worst.sad to hear 101 Cafe closed, though I can't think of another restaurant in LA I tried harder to like yet always lea… https://t.co/En64rwSpgHeither a horrible mistake or the greatest Walking Dead audition ever https://t.co/jDCm47kJpl
1/5
2021
so many photos you guys have sent me with my book paired with different bottles of liquor but this one, my book dis… https://t.co/Di0f0Mg1BJI'm sick of this political correctness. "Amen" isn't even a gendered word, it means 'so be it' in Hebrew and Shebr… https://t.co/qjTdMC8xwAimagine the outrage from the GOP if after the 2016 election Hillary Clinton called up Michigan Dem's and ordered th… https://t.co/lWfZvz3onW @janemarielynch the way he worked that Falstaff plug in at the end was pure Harrythanks for the info. and yes, I knew Harry Carey was their play by play guy for awhile and know all about the infam… https://t.co/yr06bl8ddiwatching the video the stands resemble Comisky, maybe they changed the name. But the astroturf infield and natural… https://t.co/Sp5vd1wVSj
1/4
2021

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