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I write comedy, occasionally date your aunt, and take photos of liquor stores which you can purchase on my website.

1,040 Following   352,082 Followers   16,123 Tweets

Joined Twitter 2/8/11


@LaurenHolly @pattonoswalt @USPS last year I shipped over 2,000 books and prints all around the world thru @USPS and not one pac… https://t.co/fnQZtDrNtA#ChallengeAccepted https://t.co/F8YAs5U7p6
8/4
2020
pre sales for the 2nd Edition of my photography book 'Liquor Stores & Detours' have begun. The first edition sold… https://t.co/UxEzZfnDJh
Retweeted by Matt Oswalt"Sarah Connor?" (nervously) "Uh...yes." "Your vagisil." "T7 - THIS SUMMER!" https://t.co/4WuaNr2FW4thank you @LizGarbus for your tribute to my late sister-in-law in the brilliant and terrifying #IllBeGoneInTheDarkhttps://t.co/OwHdkFzzAU
8/3
2020
@SarahKSilverman depends on where it fell from @OhNoSheTwitnt don't love shame me! @OhNoSheTwitnt she didn't fat shame him. Fat shaming would be like if someone tweeted that this lard ass Nazi loser… https://t.co/Whf11eAiXiwho needs a time machine when you can just bring your camera to the outskirts of the San Fernando Valley and sudden… https://t.co/IqoOXMbeMV @aliciamalone @davekarger rarely am I starstruck but when I wrote the ASC Awards I got to meet the great Russell Bo… https://t.co/Bf7zHJHIIBpraying it doesn't turn out to be cake https://t.co/sYBQo0ec9M @GennHutchison I once shook hands with @RealLucyLawless and I'm pretty sure she cracked all my knuckles and shattered two fingernailsmy first porn shoot https://t.co/bitYwTfbh4 https://t.co/I1EFABfGMn https://t.co/gAhcH9YvZX
8/2
2020
by popular demand I've made this photo of Jeni's Ice Cream available to purchase as a print on:… https://t.co/UrDDaPbVQs @MiraSorvino the only thing that scares me more than 4 more years of Trump are the 4 months between the election an… https://t.co/fnxbwycFX7after all Trump has done over the past 3 and a half years, if the thought of losing TikTok is what motivates you to… https://t.co/rb6PJpdHp7I may have found the gas station Jonathan Winters destroyed in It's a Mad, Mad, Mad, Mad World… https://t.co/SL4KHsIpee
8/1
2020
Jim Jordan out there dunking on a cardboard cutout of LeBron James and still fouled out @sarahcpr are you kidding? Calling Obama 'sleazy' on FOX News will probably get him a raise
7/31
2020
@JamesUrbaniak tuck a handgun and badge into your belt and you could be a Miami detectiveanother successful print lab day and I got a good one. The Safari Inn at sunset. Glorious! I've shipped over 3,000… https://t.co/tuTHlEp2M3imagine the mere mention of the current presidents name at the funeral of a Civil Rights leader in such poor taste… https://t.co/wi2FL1XrKJRIP Herman Cain or as Marco Rubio is about to tweet, RIP Karl Malone @RedHourBen @espn they could at least use the Wilhelm Scream on errors
7/30
2020
just drove by Bob's Big Boy in Burbank and saw everyone dining al fresco in the car hop. Reminded me of one of my f… https://t.co/p8gQ33FdXNthank God, I'm sick of my low income neighbors always bringing cheap fondue to my swingers parties https://t.co/IcJWL934g2The Golden State Killer is 74 https://t.co/BJM9meaT1Z
7/29
2020
@MrJonCryer and just as Marty closed the refrigerator door a fly flew in and upon being shot back to the future Jef… https://t.co/KeE1nfjnECcongrats on yet another Emmy nomination though try as you might it'll never equal the greatness of my 1988 Northern… https://t.co/1UXYPKoyGEwow, @RheaSeehorn not getting nominated for Better Call Saul (yet again) is a crime @alliemackay no, but I have a raven in my Murder She Wrote spectrying to stay busy so I wrote a Twilight Zone episode and I'm damn proud of it, though I think my favorite thing a… https://t.co/I9RULKb3xd @bessbell is that what that is? I thought it was a nationwide casting call for a Revlon ad
7/28
2020
this video is astounding! Look at how in Japan you can now go outside and enjoy summer because when Covid-19 hit ev… https://t.co/wmgfixMQeH @RealMerrinD any Black Eyed Peas songMELANIA TRUMP'S COVID PLAN: PHASE 1 - combat initial outbreak by building White House Tennis Courts PHASE 2 - whe… https://t.co/RzKXqf5zxI @Vigilanthony73 with Julio Franco in the DH spot
7/27
2020
if it fell on the Mexico side they should charge Trump a storage fee https://t.co/ACk15xQnpq(Orson Welles's voice) "In Italy for 30 years under the Borgias they had warfare, terror, murder, and bloodshed but… https://t.co/mBus22QvOR @DrrtyBeavr nice, you're in the 700 Club! @LaurenHolly @jenisicecreams Salted Caramel. I usually get a Root Beer Float but they weren't making them.
7/26
2020
Lost in Translation https://t.co/aT08pgVJYO @DaveBngDave @jenisicecreams they're headlights from an oncoming car which I really needed cause that Mini was park… https://t.co/3GZhpj0I0f @reasereaser @jenisicecreams that was my reaction to tasting the Salted Caramel @janiehaddad @jenisicecreams the magic was in the caramel to salt ratiotreated myself to some @jenisicecreams last night and fortunately had my camera with me when this vintage Mini roll… https://t.co/QXeD3LOFyxit's #SmallBusinessSaturday (not really, but every Saturday in 2020 is small business Saturday) I'll never sell my… https://t.co/yDiNFCX8Qc
7/25
2020
another print lab day, the only thing that keeps me going thru these long lonely weeks. Noir Cadillac, available in… https://t.co/5xXDWKzWV1if they ever remake The Big Lebowski as a horror movie I found the perfect location. The eerily hypnotic Bowlero ou… https://t.co/YkEGN7BK2Wthis is either the worst pitch ever or he saw a Covid-19 germ on the baseball at the last second and saved the catc… https://t.co/vlBTLYVTO4
7/24
2020
@bader_diedrich @thekjohnston you gotta be pretty quick to out-mediocre me @thekjohnston I'm tired of myself tooironically, if both men were alive the happiest one to hear of this news would be Robert E. Lee. He HATED that the… https://t.co/BFiPrJJzYKIts Opening Day! Go Washington Baseball Team! https://t.co/roMtwM8Syrperson, woman, man, camera, tv, washington, football, teamThe Town House Motel along a lonely stretch of the Sierra Highway - shot from a distance. Love the retro font again… https://t.co/I9faHLqCfh
7/23
2020
Ben Shapiro must be wearing lifts https://t.co/xrhGTr3ClS
7/22
2020
Ghislaine Maxwell receiving word in prison that Trump wishes her "well" https://t.co/5goucxYGF1clearly Italian drug smugglers have never heard of York Peppermint Patties https://t.co/IyVzAjZvVJwatching Hitler: The Last Ten Days and I can't get over Alec Guinneses acting choices as Hitler. When he rants he… https://t.co/TWKLKOkTG6Teriyaki Noir https://t.co/bitYwTfbh4 📸 https://t.co/I1EFABfGMn https://t.co/aPKvOnyDvE
7/21
2020
"But we ARE, Blanche, we ARE selling your personal data." https://t.co/KCtfPTncHQ @BebeNeuwirth you're cast, unless of course it becomes an episode in a reboot of The Hitchhiker then I'm required to cast @shannonleetweedthe Town House Motel on a section of Sierra Highway that's like taking a time machine back to the 50's. I thought… https://t.co/3yptt6dZAzDear Penthouse Forum, https://t.co/Ph26JTGkbW
7/19
2020
Marco Rubio always tweets out a bible verse after fucking up a tweet, so get ready to read Ezekiel 25 performed in… https://t.co/7qj9fn9DenI don't know why but cat's are obsessed with my book. Maybe it's the shapes, the vivid photography, or perhaps the… https://t.co/sHwLbdYVsFevery Confederate monument that was torn down should be replaced with a statue of John Lewis #RIPJohnLewisKentucky Fried Movie won as it should have, though I'm surprised Groove Tube got so few votes. FYI, what got me thi… https://t.co/olSjNlmg8Omy parents are wonderful, too. I'll never forget that one magical Christmas when my brother and I woke up early, ra… https://t.co/3G5emByCmR
7/18
2020
ahhh, another glorious print lab day. Nothing captures the midway point of 2020 more than this shot of a deserted r… https://t.co/ssnAecSWd9settle an argument I'm having. Which one of these movies is best.out in the valley today I drove by Ladd Liquor, the first liquor store I ever photographed. I took one look at that… https://t.co/Ea5km5VzcE
7/17
2020
@robreiner this damning accusation should really help his poll numbers amongst his baseit's stunning to see Trump waste time during a pandemic talking about something as trivial as shower heads when he… https://t.co/lf4ZqbcLXgstrange the scammers didn't hack Trump's twitter account, but then I realized they were only targeting rich people
7/16
2020
@blainecapatch you're such a romanticjust an abandoned gas station out in the desert. I wanna get married here, or at the very least use it as a meeting… https://t.co/JqfzZmpYIUyou're a great man and a greater American. can't wait for you to get it! https://t.co/PIRgp6tilN
7/15
2020
a 2020 themed Escape Room https://t.co/Yo6iZOjzEbI donated some 11x14 prints to @ADIGALLERY with proceeds benefitting the Lynne Cohen Cancer Foundation. The Randys… https://t.co/vL07836Li1 @TitusNation only if you let me do punch up.the great @RealRichardKind https://t.co/g5Ku5sprCO
7/14
2020
this guy makes a good point, in all the photos I've seen of an underage Ivanka in a low cut mini skirt uncomfortabl… https://t.co/fQoesChjTv @eddiepepitone so you're finally agreeing to do a Puddin' reboot? @robdelaney The Washingtons 'O Fun @john_sipher I was a Georgetown fan when I was 15 so the only Pearl I was familiar with was Earl "The Pearl" Washington - Hoya killernot all heroes wear bangs https://t.co/pNi7d9QOs5 @SarahKSilverman wait, does this mean Gallagher is just PRETENDING to hate watermelons?
7/13
2020
who was your favorite NBA player when you were 15? despite Bird, Magic and Dr. J, mine was rookie center Manute B… https://t.co/20h9PEt9tv @carlosalazraqui more like poopi-yawnit's 100 degrees in the valley and I'm pretty sure it's all generating off the hood of this Lincoln Continental at… https://t.co/lJnmWAzvEK @SusannaHoffs Sunday is my lay on the sofa eating Fiddle Faddle while watching Nazi documentaries on the History Channel day @WendyLiebman utterly pointless @MrCraigBierko @SeanMastersons if they ever do, Robert Altman's Popeye set in Malta is still therejust watched the remake of Papillon. With this, The Taking of Pelham One, Two, Three remake with Denzel Washington,… https://t.co/n4EVjaO7Mp
7/12
2020
BREAKING: Mayor in Jaws 4 closes beaches https://t.co/uE1wzL7HzEthe original Del Taco in Yermo, CA - now a Burger Den. But whether it's burgers or burritos the secret ingredient… https://t.co/8MedstvsWn @Schmirgen its got a few new surprises in it.
7/11
2020

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