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Late Night TV writer, Emmy loser, future Vine star.

1,181 Following   1,165,902 Followers   19,338 Tweets

Joined Twitter 3/31/09


@HelloCullen I heard this scene before I even saw you posted the image.All my tweets were scheduled in March of 2014.For the last time, yes. Your dad used to sell cocaine. @CriswellWJ Mine just tastes like tears. @notthebeendall Yes but I’m William H MacyI look like everyone’s dad when he used to sell cocaine. https://t.co/OvWJ1i2J50I came up with a phrase to explain why these “bad apples” are so bad. My pitch is “a few bad apples spoil the bunch… https://t.co/qBzBQpF2qJJust passed a storefront with no boards on the windows. Straight up rawdogging 2020.
6/5
2020
@rmayemsinger Thought this meant Kellyanne and gasped. @lcpyc Darkwing Duck?Let’s just call next year 2019. Then keep counting down till eventually Jesus comes back. @thatdevinfield If this was me I wouldn’t be able to stop thinking abut this. On my death bed I’d still be thinking about it.Welcome to the resistance, ground. @realDonaldTrump Also neither of you have told Don Jr you love him.This is the apex of the social media information war.
6/4
2020
Rarely shocked anymore but- WOW https://t.co/8U3DoTnOToEver since we started saying Merry Christmas again this place has gone to shit.
Retweeted by Jesse McLaren.@MayorOfLA I have a City Services question that I'm having trouble finding on the website. What time exactly will… https://t.co/gKm4H0Sefd @FhrhomeFrench you mean your* stupidTo the morons saying Americans are only marching because gEoRgE soRoS pAiD tHeM. Donald Trump sent us each $1200 a… https://t.co/5feNgkoH95 @NYPDShea As a TV producer who has shot bad broll. This is bad broll. @colljamosh Staten Island’s got the biggest dump but Long Island’s got the most trash. @minkusdomink @GailAaann This IS a personal attack on @GailAaannIf you think looting has no negative consequences, may I remind you that’s how the guy from Sublime got his guitar. @caitiedelaney WOWThe fact that prominent republicans are now at the very least openly admitting that police brutality and racism exi… https://t.co/l798eiFitt*Mitch Hedberg voice*As much as I used to hate George W. Bush, I still hate him too. @masonpelt Judging from their timeline noFinally read his mom’s deposition? https://t.co/jPmTKvmpTSPeople like @tedcruz and @chiproytx have to be pressed on these statements. If they truly believe that “people are… https://t.co/TPDg0WMaR7 @Acyn On the plus side, Fox News just inadvertently confirmed they understand the Civil War was about slavery.In case you were wondering, there are still people who say this unironically. https://t.co/c5Idcjvmcnhow jay z ruined beyoncé’s and rihanna’s friendship; a thread https://t.co/YB3xZiniJQ
Retweeted by Jesse McLaren
6/3
2020
The 2020 song of the summer is All Along The Watchtower.JOIN THE LA POLICE COMMISSION ZOOM MEETING IN PROGRESS AND REMEMBER TO UPDATE YOUR ZOOM ACCOUNT #BLACKLIVESMATTER https://t.co/xfrymPNPFz
Retweeted by Jesse McLarenWe survived murder hornets, then an escaped tiger, now there's a- https://t.co/e4uZbUuXTiIt's great that y'all are contributing to bail funds, but many of them have more money than they can use rn (thanks… https://t.co/2hjJlKDvTJ
Retweeted by Jesse McLaren @realDonaldTrump Yet here's footage of you desecrating a mall Santa in the same Macy's in 2013. Like usual grabbing… https://t.co/IvOLLEuve9 @WolfEnt @geekgirldiva *EXECUTIVE* Producer Dick WolfThe only leader uniting people is DeBlasio in that everyone hates him.Can’t believe this is happening when nature was *this close* to healing itself.That government force you’re cheering on is coming for you next.I KNEW IT. https://t.co/VecpL59Hp75pm curfew. https://t.co/ToRzG1cWny
6/2
2020
@johnkeithjack And call for the ban every Muslim person from the country.So what happens to the Hennepin County Medical Examiner who found "no physical findings to support a diagnosis of t… https://t.co/kmsAQA7lt3I’ve spent enough time on TikTok where this video is completely normal to me. It’s like trying to shock me with a p… https://t.co/Fzaga4KIfPThis was mall cops’ big moment and they blew it.To be clear, what's happening in America now was also happening in 2015. I was just looking back on the last time I… https://t.co/lFHnIIftuy @StinkyJesus No within a month.5 years apart https://t.co/w9MunUQAR8I’ve seen Tiger King, I know the street value, it’s like a stimulus check with whiskers.Call 911? Sure, if you want to throw away a free 2000 dollars. https://t.co/TRHB8uCynGDon’t let SOME bad cops ruin the reputation of ALL D students. @NicholasGazin Makes me think of the stanford prison experiment.Cops should ALWAYS be dressed like dorks. We let them cosplay as soldiers and look what happens.Another man publicly called your wife ugly, and you did NOTHING about it, so of course the idea of people sticking… https://t.co/XDCTWTVeRL
6/1
2020
Who would have thought that these gates could lead to something ominous? https://t.co/kf9kLcwwK8What a coincidence that the only four Minneapolis PD officers who are indifferent to murdering black people were al… https://t.co/K6DxevINVIOne side of our country cosplays as people who fight the government, the other side actually does it.Is it just me or does MAGA Night suck?If we've learned anything today, it's where the plastic face shields have been hiding for 3 months. https://t.co/ROvdAMh53K
5/31
2020
Kendall Jenner has the Pepsi to stop all of this yet she does nothing.EricAndreShootingHannibalBuressMeme.PNG https://t.co/kNCBRTVdgI👇 https://t.co/yhBC6QeHjo Lots of donation links.Countdown until the protests become the administration's new CoVid scapegoat until the election. @bhautikj @Rschooley My brain is so broken this is the only thing that can make me laugh right now.If you ARE in eighth grade, hell yeah dude. FUCK PARENTS they suck.If you're a white anarchist, and you're not in eighth grade, it's time to reevaluate.*yelling up at rocket* “You can’t run from everything!” https://t.co/4cr0twSdMP @Walldo I opened this video right as it took off. It took me 10 seconds to realize I was watching a live video.I believe police culture can change, for instance somewhere around 2008 a few cops got forarm tattoos and now 100% of them have them.
5/30
2020
My Facebook feed. https://t.co/UbqIfTsAHFWe picked a hell of a week to put good news behind a paywall.So glad Clickhole is back. https://t.co/x1XSWxPTS2If you really hate anti-police sentiment stop openly fantasizing about killing police because they're trying to tak… https://t.co/BEL6MFdMVUThe 'mericans who built their whole identity around their readiness to kill police/military ALWAYS root for the mil… https://t.co/fuIEOKXlZD @GMPaiella @IsaacFitzgerald Gabby please continue until you've interviewed every actor from Con Air.All those people who hit the streets because the government wouldn’t allow them to get a haircut are going to be u… https://t.co/piNUkOheVdTHE. CAPTION. https://t.co/WN69SN6Q6sJustin Timberlake picked a hell of a day to promote his book at Target. https://t.co/5IcCvCeQTzFinally, a good chain letter post. https://t.co/HyFFoLLeGhMovie Zuckerberg Vs Real life Zuckerberg https://t.co/liMAq4edvd
Retweeted by Jesse McLaren
5/29
2020
Thank god at least the pandemic is over. Imagine if we were still dealing with that too? @noncanadianguy I’ve been waiting 18 years for a Target to get robbed!TIP: Don't loot a Target in a red shirt or other rioters will start asking you where things are.Movie Zuckerberg Vs Real life Zuckerberg https://t.co/liMAq4edvdWow this is huge. https://t.co/8aHM5DI5TfBREAKING: Mark Zuckerburg, Facebook CEO, Planted The Story About The Chicken.Maybe if you don’t want to be robbed don’t put a Target on your store.2021: HBO Grab 2022: HBO The 2023: HBO HacksawHBO Go, HBO Now, HBO Max... HBO is clearly trying to tell someone named Max to murder their family.
Retweeted by Jesse McLarenIf you’re defending cops by saying “it’s just a few bad apples” you should look up the second half of that phrase.-Discovering video of Hilary Clinton doing the Macarena in 1996 -Greenscreening Sean Spicer’s green tie / Huckabee’… https://t.co/jpWSY7SLgzEvery once in a while everything will be quiet and out of nowhere my brain will say “now THIS is pod-racing”Remember when his father LIED about seeing muslims celebrating as the twin towers fell. Well here is his own son, c… https://t.co/iSnSAnoFfK~THE NEAR FUTURE~ GUY IN BACKGROUND OF TELEVISED DISSIDENT EXECUTION IS SEEN SNEAKING A PIECE OF GUM. THE INTERNE… https://t.co/CjBNxMY625
Retweeted by Jesse McLaren @AlanJDavis416 Too soon.
5/28
2020
Julius Caesar was a moron. 60 of his coworkers planned on stabbing him and he didn’t see it coming? If 60 people we… https://t.co/6b4BMfKMsl
5/27
2020

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