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i’m amazing. regular tweets: paper tweets:

3,737 Following   13,222 Followers   67,831 Tweets

Joined Twitter 8/29/17

Sure, my tweets are stupid. Everything is.
Retweeted by minkitypinkityAdds an egg to anything. THIS IS BREAKFAST NOW!
Retweeted by minkitypinkityI don’t have “a person”, I have “a lot of cats”.
Retweeted by minkitypinkityEveryone is twiddling their thumbs waiting for the big never.
Retweeted by minkitypinkityKisses in the rain > tears in the rain.
Retweeted by minkitypinkity[getting a pedicure] You know, I think I'd make a pretty good hit man.
Retweeted by minkitypinkityI moved my entire snacking operation upstairs to hang out with my cat and he decided to jump off the bed and go somewhere else
Retweeted by minkitypinkityI like to feed my soul cheeses
Retweeted by minkitypinkityMy hobbies include spacing out and
Retweeted by minkitypinkityCup my balls n tell me I'm pretty
Retweeted by minkitypinkityWoke up on the pool table again
Retweeted by minkitypinkityi'm at work what more do you want america
Retweeted by minkitypinkitySometimes it takes a few tries to latch onto the boxed wine tap.
Retweeted by minkitypinkityI'm still seizing a day from 1998.
Retweeted by minkitypinkityNever thought I’d need to say ‘don’t lick the paint’ to a 14 year old, yet here we are.
Retweeted by minkitypinkitySorry I thought you meant my gardener when you asked me what would Jesus do.
Retweeted by minkitypinkityI’m at my most delusional when I make a to do list
Retweeted by minkitypinkityI slept for 12 hours. I'm a demi God now.
Retweeted by minkitypinkityI’m not trying to kill the mood I just think we should stretch first.
Retweeted by minkitypinkityYou don’t scare me. You’re not an omelette I’m about to flip.
Retweeted by minkitypinkityME [pulling hair tie out of my mouth]: these aren’t very scrunchy HER: you ate another one
Retweeted by minkitypinkityI am here to spread joy and bullshit.
Retweeted by minkitypinkityi hope this email finds you and kills you
Retweeted by minkitypinkityMe, passing a dumpster: Well hello, kindred spirit
Retweeted by minkitypinkitysitting in front of the desk fan wishing i were an icicleWork is fun because you can play little games with yourself like, How Can I Kill Myself with a Stapler
Retweeted by minkitypinkityyou can tell a lot about a girl by all the songs she’s ruined for you
Retweeted by minkitypinkityHR says I’m no longer allowed to answer the phone with “for fuck sake, what now”
Retweeted by minkitypinkityI accidentally dipped my paintbrush in my tea, am I a real artist now?
Retweeted by minkitypinkityHow many likes makes a love
Retweeted by minkitypinkityI’m having chocolate cake for breakfast tomorrow. And then for second breakfast, chocolate cake. Followed by a sensible lunch.
Retweeted by minkitypinkityIn order to relax, somebody would need to knock me out.
Retweeted by minkitypinkityOnce again, silence is my friend.
Retweeted by minkitypinkity @JPLFR80 YaMay your hedgerow always bustle.
Retweeted by minkitypinkityThank you for accepting me as one of your own, you piece of shit.
Retweeted by minkitypinkityI came to twitter to tweet literary witticisms. My tweets were to be elegant and erudite - full of delicate prose a…
Retweeted by minkitypinkityI discovered a secret pocket in my jacket, and I plan to ride this high for the rest of the day.
Retweeted by minkitypinkity @misterbagman @JPLFR80 it’s all good here still flowing and stuff @misterbagman @JPLFR80 k that's true but i was doing a thing thereIf the cat climbs into a house guest’s lap, I like to freeze and whisper, “Are you feeling okay? She only does that…
Retweeted by minkitypinkityLook deep into my eyes and become a garden gnome
Retweeted by minkitypinkityI never want to lie, but I can finesse. I can finesse like the wind.
Retweeted by minkitypinkityThey say a picture is worth a thousand words. I think one word sums this up nicely.
Retweeted by minkitypinkityMe [driving]: *responsible noises* Also Me [still driving]:
Retweeted by minkitypinkityMy husband just walked by and burped while I was on speakerphone with the IRS. I don’t think I could love him anymore than I do right now.
Retweeted by minkitypinkityThey taught me my heart is a muscle, the size of a fist in my chest, and since that day I’ve known the truth: it do…
Retweeted by minkitypinkityme: here try this my husband: why did you poison it? me: oh silly goose, I wouldn’t kill you that way
Retweeted by minkitypinkityI love my husband, I married my husband, I had babies with my husband, I value and respect my why is i…
Retweeted by minkitypinkityIs it just me or does anyone else get anxious when they watch tv and see people not wearing masks?
Retweeted by minkitypinkityIt was only after 20 years of marriage that I discovered the wife used to be a Christian. To be honest it came as…
Retweeted by minkitypinkityUm...can I have YOUR druthers?
Retweeted by minkitypinkity @rmcoplon 😂man breaks up with girl who had no idea they were datingThe older you get, the more activities start with hiking your pants up.
Retweeted by minkitypinkityI wrapped bacon around a lot of food today and it was glorious.
Retweeted by minkitypinkityI’m “did I spill my drink or pee my pants?” years old
Retweeted by minkitypinkityThe evolution of dreams Age 5 - I wanna be an astrophysicist marine biologist Age 15 - I want to be older so I c…
Retweeted by minkitypinkityThis day in history. 2005. In L.A. beloved talk show host Johnny Carson died due to a severe heart attack and compl…
Retweeted by minkitypinkitywhat do you get the man who has...been recently acquitted of murder, but could still get it?
Retweeted by minkitypinkityfrench fries > feckless lovers*in bed* Wife: *puts her hand on my hip* hey baby Me: *excitedly* yes? Wife: roll over on your side so your snor…
Retweeted by minkitypinkity
I’m not like Meatloaf. I WILL do that.
Retweeted by minkitypinkity“I’m in a sorry state.” “I thought you called them provinces.“
Retweeted by minkitypinkityif i was a sparrow i'd treat your cheese dip like a bird bathIf Target didn’t want me testing out these Nerf guns they shouldn’t have put their logo up all around the store.
Retweeted by minkitypinkityOn my deathbed, I muster the courage to speak my last words. You lean in close and I whisper, “relax babe,” and in…
Retweeted by minkitypinkityCan’t. Busy walking my pet peeves
Retweeted by minkitypinkity @crowguye fair“So I never call or stop by. Is that a crime?” “Why, yes. Yes it is” replied my probation officer.
Retweeted by minkitypinkityOf course I am awful; it is my right as a Californian.
Retweeted by minkitypinkityHeart meet brain. Brain meet heart. You guys have a lot of catching up to do.
Retweeted by minkitypinkityI sexually identify as a Swedish crime drama where the protagonist is an alcoholic detective with a dark past
Retweeted by minkitypinkityI spend a lot of time planning crimes I’ll never commit‘Two steps forward and three steps back’ is my signature move.
Retweeted by minkitypinkityIntercourse is my favorite course other than dessert.
Retweeted by minkitypinkityI’m not going to tell you how to live your life, but you should get a cheeseburger and sit on the patio.
Retweeted by minkitypinkityIf anyone needs me l’ll be over here playing the blues on my kazooRichard Marx and I have agreed to a Casio Keyboard showdown to win your heart.
Retweeted by minkitypinkity @Aikiwomannc ❤️🧀The bed is my natural habitat.
Retweeted by minkitypinkityoh to be relieved of the terrible burden of trying to be normalLife hack: maybe don’t take life advice from strangers on the internet
Retweeted by minkitypinkityHerpes? No baby, ourpes.
Retweeted by minkitypinkitytaco trucks are my natural habitat
Retweeted by minkitypinkity🎶stillllll haven’t fooound what I’m looking foooor🎶
Retweeted by minkitypinkity*getting set on fire Thank you.
Retweeted by minkitypinkityFind yourself an old soul who understands that life is short and live accordingly.
Retweeted by minkitypinkityI'm not an actress, but I can pretend not to notice the traffic light changing with the best of them.
Retweeted by minkitypinkityIf I see an exposed cat belly and I do not pet it, I will simply die
Retweeted by minkitypinkityAll of my tweets are just quotes from Gravity’s Rainbow
Retweeted by minkitypinkityShe’s a woman of substance (abuse)
Retweeted by minkitypinkityPretty sure I had a cheeseburger once that was my soul mate.
Retweeted by minkitypinkityhow the fuck is monday in the lyrics of happy days
Retweeted by minkitypinkitythere’s just something about a ziplock bag of random pills that feels like home
Retweeted by minkitypinkityis napping together a date? yes or no
Retweeted by minkitypinkityif we date ima bite you probably
Retweeted by minkitypinkityI don't make the rules, I just eat them
Retweeted by minkitypinkityI am a force of chaos, your rules can't stop me! [me, walking in through the exit door]
Retweeted by minkitypinkityThe Golden Rule has been downgraded to the Pyrite Suggestion.
Retweeted by minkitypinkity