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LMSW, Mental Health Advocate, Writer, Progressive Liberal, Snark Queen, Pop Culture Maven, Nerd Since 1977. My mom doesn't think I'm funny.

1,625 Following   3,070 Followers   49,237 Tweets

Joined Twitter 6/1/08


All y'all suddenly baking bread using only, like, Tide Pods and sawdust. Bless your hearts, you Ma Ingalls motherfuckers. #quarantine
3/28
2020
I would give anything to hear the B-Ball kids trash talking each other on the court across the street right now. Anything. #NYCLockdownMy beloved NYC is silent under quarantine. But the sweet spring breeze creates a beautiful melody as it whistles th… https://t.co/pNfhgagJue
3/27
2020
Hi, social worker frand checking in. We're scared, but we're not showing it. We're going to work, every day, doing… https://t.co/IZ9csbtRhV.@Lin_Manuel for all the people in your neighborhood (I'm one of them) and everyone else out there scared and trapp… https://t.co/ohXfDCCZxK
3/14
2020
I'm laughing so hard I CANNOT BREATHE. Uh, thanks, NJT, your pristine record of handling crises such as: drizzling… https://t.co/ReEJItP0Sn @Basseyworld I'm know, but I'm truly trying to keep my comments as spoiler free as possible, especially on FB, so I… https://t.co/nRcev0qZEN @Basseyworld shit, ran out of room without saying #OkayDoctorFuckboi @Basseyworld I've been shrieking "Jesus CHRIST, Shonda!!!!!" to an empty room for 47 minutes. I've texted four frie… https://t.co/ZUDCtSNFfE
3/6
2020
@subcultist Oh BLEVINS. You HAVE to watch the Watchmen. Holy CRAP. Truly mindblowing television.Angela Abar Claudia Jean "CJ" Cregg Ramona Quimby Laurie Strode https://t.co/PQOoCtpECu
3/5
2020
@SuzyQuzey I JUST WANT MY BROTHER TO NOT GET VAPORIZED. IS THAT TOO MUCH TO ASK??!!?!??!!?
3/3
2020
On this day in 1983, according to news reports, the NYC waterworks were overtaxed because so many people went to th… https://t.co/VgWN5QF4j6
Retweeted by America's Ass
2/29
2020
Me *sadly sings The Rainbow Connection* @nosulragal: WELL NOW I CAN'T MAKE A GROSS JOKE. Me: I ruined it. Me and… https://t.co/Sn884jtHxd
2/24
2020
@blurbette Listen. That's why mine plugs into the WALL. I don't even mess around with batteries.
2/18
2020
@chisherman Yep, got some bleeding going on in my abdomen. Swell!!!Number one thing you don’t want to hear as you settle into your hospital room: “The good ice machine is broken” #hospitalsI have not done three of these things. https://t.co/H5KTmTpQB8
2/15
2020
I was wondering if @TomatoNation knows about fucking Shia LaBeouf LITERALLY RIDING A GIRLS BIKE in the first Transf… https://t.co/ir4oAuCdLf
2/7
2020
The excitement that I am feeling regarding #HamiltonMovie is in a fistfight with my excitement that #Rush will soon… https://t.co/TchYO53D21Jennifer Lopez is eight years older than I am, and I almost died entirely shifting in bed last night. #SuperBowlHalftimeShow
2/3
2020
@laroux74 @clairewillett I LOVE IT
2/2
2020
Okay, I've made a LOT of memes in my day. But this is my favorite, because my brother (3 years younger) used to cal… https://t.co/519gIoEQBK
2/1
2020
@thelindsayellis Your whitewashing video is a MASTERPIECE. Thank you so much for that, I laughed, I cried, it was S… https://t.co/sOeKoJFR7G @scottEweinberg MOST (I'm not saying all, calm down) 3 year olds are out of diapers and can talk back to you. Toddl… https://t.co/9tbuXi9kyG @bwecht I completely agree. Tangled is WAY better than Frozen, and I like Frozen, but Tangled is the superior film.Fifth floor just completely missed the bed (their bedroom is directly above mine) AGAIN. I think the plaster is cra… https://t.co/gKa8FmHdz3
1/31
2020
Frankly I'm in awe that there was more than one draft. https://t.co/A27FeCJRLN
1/30
2020
@LisetteBaxter @thelindsayellis Listen. That kitten was trying to do us a FAVOR. @thelindsayellis Ramin is a fucking angel and if anyone says otherwise I will cut them. He is perfect. And hot. SO. VERY. HOT. @thelindsayellis Never will you EVER be as floored by absolute batshit insanity and awfulness than the SEQUEL, "Lov… https://t.co/xe93QV8khzThey make vegan pizza rolls now. Someone get the other atheists on the blower, we finally have all the proof we need.Barely made it through Catholic school for the same reasons. https://t.co/Ch2oIkBezM
1/29
2020
@nosulragal It was so masculine my headset almost shut down from the high frequency of the shrieking.
1/27
2020
I was watching a dreadful series I'm hooked on during #SNL and totally forgot to watch. So when #JonLovitz trended,… https://t.co/CjNIuLGkNl
1/26
2020
#911LoneStar is the most batshit thing I have seen since the first season of Twin Peaks. I haven't laughed this har… https://t.co/0CYNDwlQVY @ThatEricAlper I'm a peds doctor like my Grandpa.
1/25
2020
I think they’re beautiful. https://t.co/m4XhrXGjEQ
1/23
2020
You guys...Did I ever get a pic taken with Lev Parnas? I'm fairly sure I've never met the man, but these days YOU NEVER KNOW.Listen, I'm not saying my high school poetry was BAD, I'm just saying that if I had scripted it in my own blood on… https://t.co/M4kmpX1SG7 @nosulragal @suchnerve But...If being cynical and bitter isn't a personality, what will we Gen Xers do with ourselv… https://t.co/RKRYHQWpC6
1/20
2020
Dear goddo, Lev Parnas is only five years older than I am. I have never felt sexier IN MY LIFE.Just watched IT Chapter 2, and wow, that was UNEVEN. Great in parts (Bill Hader is spectacular) and totally incompr… https://t.co/1Rlb1jwpuQCannabis Cafes befuddle me. I'd be the freakshow sitting under the table eating pudding with my fingers yelling "YO… https://t.co/yxT82KaMBb @ethanfromreddit Man is it gonna blow your mind when she puts a finger in your ass.
1/19
2020
I've never taken a trip to Brooklyn that hasn't involved 7 different trains, a 23 minute walk and answering at LEAS… https://t.co/d7CgnpkcYI @thatalexyarde @cmclymer Tombstone is a perfect film and I will duel anyone who says otherwise. Daisy if you do. @thatalexyarde @cmclymer Someone's always gonna yuck your yum. Fuck 'em. @thatalexyarde @cmclymer it's a GOOD MOVIE, DAMMIT. And Billy Zane and his wig are like, two of film's best villains. @thatalexyarde @cmclymer The elderly couple AND THE IRISH MAMA PUTTING HER BABIES TO BED FOR THE LAST TIME
1/18
2020
I Made A Typo On Twitter Dot Com And Now The Only Logical Thing To Do Is Kill Myself: The @missbanshee StoryYES THERE'S A TYPO, PEOPLE. THINGS HAPPEN. EVER FUCK UP? HAPPENED TO ME.
1/9
2020
Margaret Hamilton suffered 3rd degree buns on her face during a stunt on "The Wizard of Oz." When asked, she said s… https://t.co/IVmTYCg1DpHarry and Meghan want to flee a toxic monarchy based in incest and colonialism and slavery and the rape of whole co… https://t.co/EiZKFCci8s @pattonoswalt forgive me if you've heard this, but I just saw that Chipotle is making something called "Lifestyle B… https://t.co/LNk8XxFrc7I mean seriously. WHO OF US hasn't screamed in frantic panic, WRONG HOLE!!!! WRONG HOLE!!!!!! https://t.co/TuHNTosyxK @nosulragal Oh god, NO. Me: *hysterically laughing* Him: I WILL PAY YOU Me: *cracking up* Him: ANYTHING TO MAK… https://t.co/lmErfL4awB*me, arguing with @nosulragal about how seltzer is the BEST, and him realizing that flat water should be called "ci… https://t.co/HdKkmkDwiIWE REALLY WOULD BE MANIC PIXIE DREAM GIRLS THEN, BUT Y'ALL COULDN'T HANDLE THAT, COULD YA????If psych meds came in PEZ dispensers, mental illness would be SO much more whimsical, you guys.Me: If I was giving a TED Talk, what do you think it would be on? @nosulragal: Mental health and musical theatre.… https://t.co/Lb0OuSj2Q8
1/8
2020
Never be afraid, as a woman, to make shit loud and ugly and unapologetic. Do it for Elizabeth Wurtzel, but do it more for yourself. #RIPAin't no party Like a Gatsby party Cause a Gatsby party don't stop (until someone's dead in the pool) #Roaring20s
1/7
2020
Whoa, I ABSOLUTELY thought #ChernobylHBO would sweep. My mistake. Let's see what else happens. #goldenglobes2020AND THEN THERE'S GWYNETH. #dressfail #bronzerfail #fail #GoldenGlobesCharlize Theron, from the haircut to the necklace to the dress, is utterly FLAWLESS. That dress should not work und… https://t.co/SQrTbgVG3E @JohnDeVore He is the LITERAL WORST.Dear people who wear fake eyelashes: Please don't wear eyelashes that are too hefty for your face and don't let you… https://t.co/HrqMKa06pUI see we're still tolerating Giuliana Rancic. That's...certainly a choice. #GoldenGlobes
1/6
2020
Me: Well the bird isn't, ostensibly, DRIVING the train. @nosulragal: True, no sign of him in the cockpit. Me: *pa… https://t.co/nHReP7ryGWFlowers in the Attic, keep Louise Fletcher, the rest are Muppets.
1/4
2020
Something I just actually said out loud, on the verge of tears: "I CANNOT EVER MEET QUENTIN TARENTINO. MY FEET ARE… https://t.co/OOlNTdZWNO
1/3
2020
You guys. I mean this SO sincerely. WHAT THE FUCK DAY IS IT.So I've been thinking a lot about the jackholes who accosted me on the street last night and asked if I wanted six… https://t.co/kv5GyimqAOEvery time a man insults a female comedian, @aliwong gets pregnant again, and that fetus has already booked her own… https://t.co/37njuWmxGg
1/2
2020
@penguin_ford I'm good. It was scary and annoying as fuck, but they didn't track and follow me at all. They were fu… https://t.co/LDBvekYC9X*sneaks into Anderson Cooper's bedroom* *leaves Advil and Pedialyte on the nightstand* *tucks him in* *shoves Andy… https://t.co/OJLfQJpZmo @alanalda We adore you so much, Mr. Alda. For your beautiful soul and ESPECIALLY your divine sense of humor.*sneaks into your room* *leaves a cold glass of water next to your bed* *checks that the alarm is off on your pho… https://t.co/l3ITRKuDOx @sharpest_rose I don't wear workout gear or scrubs, but I am DEFINITELY a white woman in New York sobbing. @baronessbree Happy New Year, sweets! @Tony_McFadden Absolutely. Thank you. @baronessbree totally fine, love. Promise.So to recap, six fellas couldn't score with women tonight so they pool their resources and go after me as I am walk… https://t.co/0CfZMsntPHbreakdown of my decade (2010-2019): ✨🌈💕 - 77.76% in jail - 11.05% in solitary confinement - 51.23% fighting for gen… https://t.co/OSMgW4PDrx
Retweeted by America's AssHAPPY NEW YEARS TO EVERYONE EXCEPT THAT GROUP OF GUYS BY MY BODEGA WHO CALLED ME "PORNO GLASSES" AND ASKED ME IF I… https://t.co/QPEwyriqso
1/1
2019
Sure, you SAY you have severe depression, but have you ever eaten an entire pizza whilst naked and watching HGTV? Fucking amateurs.How is it even humanly possible that I JUST realized @Lawrence plays Jed's dad in "Two Cathedrals?" I've seen this… https://t.co/mR5iq4r9Va
12/31
2019
@kalisah On Netflix!!!!Mrs Landingham is about to pick up her new car. How nice for her! I'm sure nothing bad will happen. RIGHT!?!?! #TheWestWingFor the LAST TIME: "Little Women" was written in 1868. You've had over 150 years to get a FUCKING LIBRARY CARD. On… https://t.co/FurO4hHB0E
12/30
2019
Me: Can I get a weed card? I have numerous severe mental illnesses. Weed Guy: Nah. We just give weed cards to peo… https://t.co/Anc4cYWEdi"No unruly behavior or consumption of alcohol onboard." HAHAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHAHHA. HAAHHAHAHAAH. HA!!!!! https://t.co/5o9aOp9Wr3I used to know someone who carried an iPhone with NO CASE. Just trusting the universe not to break an $800 phone ev… https://t.co/VAUGySKP53"Today on 'Face The Nation,' evangelical senators and then, Ivanka Trump!" And that's when I threw the TV directly… https://t.co/HIwDdCei2h @BarackObama this is absolutely a true story. Five story walkup. He lived on the third floor. I live on the fourth.… https://t.co/9mKKLYQPa4Sometimes I think about the fact that @BarackObama lived in my unbelievably shitty building when he was in grad sch… https://t.co/Gyd7mOtwgPCaligula. Keep Peter O'Toole. https://t.co/OkybujpTQz
12/29
2019
Te-Fiti in the streets, Te-Ka in the sheets. #RuinADisneyMovie @DreamingSquid YOU LOVE ME.
12/28
2019

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