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That Mom Tho @mom_tho In the stars

Married mom seeking cheese and potatoes. As seen in @buzzfeed and @huffpostparents Tweets: https://t.co/zZo5PPknUE

3,591 Following   17,216 Followers   41,997 Tweets

Joined Twitter 7/25/19


@toomanycommas3 Hello beautiful friend. A good cry in hot water is therapeutic. Also know that you are loved and so… https://t.co/iZ5mxA7VcOMy daughter has been drawing “mom” and...accurate https://t.co/14jl0bZN78
Retweeted by That Mom Thogood morning to everyone except my four year old who woke me up at 530 to inform me she can only dress herself if h… https://t.co/mCzZhOkoOX
Retweeted by That Mom Thoafter brushing out her tangles my daughter exclaimed she was “prettier than a hippo in a dress” and it is hereby my daily mantra
Retweeted by That Mom ThoApparently she got this from Doc Mcstuffins but I’m still going to laugh about itMen: I’m sick and took medicine it isn’t working Me: you just took it 5 minutes ago Men: *in casket*
Retweeted by That Mom Tho @toomanycommas3 @jameswilson678 Wow they got suspended fast!! Hey no worries but I hate it when they come from me too 😊 @LizerReal @EllaZee5 @thesammyhannah @Tobi_Is_Fab @dadthatwrites @reallifemommy3 @Mom_Overboard @notmythirdrodeohttps://t.co/A8UQdH4Xn7 @sweatsntopknots My four year old daughter poops like a grown man and uses half a roll of tp every time, but I’m ve… https://t.co/x9q2OSRemXAwesome things about successful potty training: 1) No more diapers 2) More independence 3) The toddler clogging the toilet
Retweeted by That Mom ThoThanks for including me with these awesome tweeps! https://t.co/3l3zq59lgwLow key lime pie
Retweeted by That Mom Tho @MinkasaurusRex @geekysteven 🤣 @BuckUpBits @Love_bug1016 @SimoneSpringer @starringmichell @looksliketuttut @groovuroy @sheseemslegit https://t.co/Dk20MDJROI @jameswilson678 @toomanycommas3 You sent me a dm to chat more, I’m married as listed in my profile so sorry I will not be
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2021
@jameswilson678 @toomanycommas3 Yes? @bj_flemming Ouch! @Love_bug1016 @BuckUpBits @SimoneSpringer @starringmichell @looksliketuttut @groovuroy @sheseemslegit https://t.co/YPUR42vMgwPlease follow some of these beautiful people of Twitter @BuckUpBits @Love_bug1016 @SimoneSpringerhttps://t.co/9EnC7fHfLz @LizerReal So much same @tolkienasian @NDrules43 Oh man, I’m sitting here wallowing in sadness and now you’ve brought me happy tears, thank you friend ❤️This is the same child. She has lots to say https://t.co/mzq840pkNp @henchbeaver Same! @CarbonatedCB @JodingersCat @colleen_eileen @Kryzazy @EthanOpia_ @nnnatchos Happy to be a part of it 🥰after brushing out her tangles my daughter exclaimed she was “prettier than a hippo in a dress” and it is hereby my daily mantrapatient: am i gonna be okay medic: don’t speak right now patient: why medic: you bother me
Retweeted by That Mom Tho*Talking Heads concert* David Byrne: 🎶Psycho killer🎶... *turns microphone to me* Me: Uhm...quesadilla? DB:… https://t.co/bId6RZzOJV
Retweeted by That Mom ThoWhy does TJ Maxx have more than one World’s Best Mom mug for sale?
Retweeted by That Mom ThoI sit like Smaug atop my mountain of glittering likes
Retweeted by That Mom Thoi already know how to cook, i want remy to teach me how to twerk
Retweeted by That Mom ThoMy girl boss said to get to girl work or I'm girl fired
Retweeted by That Mom ThoPrime numbers are not divisible by 2. Amazon Prime items arrive in 2 days. Coincidence? Ask the Illuminati
Retweeted by That Mom ThoSure heartbreak sucks but has your sock ever fallen off in your boot while driving?
Retweeted by That Mom ThoMe: I need a minute to play with myself to get hard Wife: *smirking* ok Me: *pulls out my game boy*
Retweeted by That Mom ThoInside you there are three frogs One is saying "bud" one is saying "weis" and one is saying "er"
Retweeted by That Mom ThoThem: Arianna you didn’t show up to work on Monday... Me: It was raining. Them: or Tuesday Me: There was snow E… https://t.co/kbkXv4Y6wm
Retweeted by That Mom Tho[At the strip club] Me, a prick: *counting out 79 cents* Yeah the wage gap is a damn travesty
Retweeted by That Mom ThoIs bright eyed and bushy tailed two separate categories on Pornhub?
Retweeted by That Mom ThoIf you want to know the difference between smart and educated, just know that someone once asked me if I knew about… https://t.co/NJf7C3cAjK
Retweeted by That Mom ThoMe: You only live once, you might as well be a badass! Also me: *tucks boobs into granny panties*
Retweeted by That Mom ThoShe’s a lady in the fleets and a freak in the tweets.
Retweeted by That Mom Thocan you see me now? https://t.co/ai3dHGvqd9
Retweeted by That Mom ThoSuper long fake fingernails freak me out. They look like talons. I'm waiting for the person to catch some poor prey… https://t.co/Ah6zPymdvQ
Retweeted by That Mom ThoHear me out. A bar just for parents because sometimes you want to go where not everybody knows your name. Or says i… https://t.co/0sSUboeVEo
Retweeted by That Mom ThoI fast and even worse, I talk about it.
Retweeted by That Mom ThoEveryone knows that when a Karen loses her mind another jar of sauerkraut is created.
Retweeted by That Mom ThoTHEM: godspeed to you ME [fastening the velcro on my roller skates]: idk he’s pretty fast
Retweeted by That Mom Thowell shit https://t.co/m3t47uRqep
Retweeted by That Mom ThoWhat my cars warning light said: change oil and rotate tires What the mechanic said: change oil, rotate tires, all… https://t.co/CK7ODQkJ2a
Retweeted by That Mom ThoI keep writing “year of absolute, never-ending hell” on all my checks, gang. Wait. Still works.
Retweeted by That Mom ThoYou all can joke that 2021 has nothing to offer us, but GrubHub is now delivering Girl Scout cookies.
Retweeted by That Mom ThoMy wife is out of town so I learned how to do laundry who knew clothes didn’t fold themselves?!?
Retweeted by That Mom Thodad: how many times have I told you to take your shoes off at the door matthew me: idk a lot, you’d think you’d stop
Retweeted by That Mom ThoHUSBAND: haha look how many tiles you had to draw WIFE: haha read em and weep Gary https://t.co/f5DjOboHYb
Retweeted by That Mom ThoUncle Lou enjoying the hot tub - Catskills, 1974 https://t.co/AkKYq0mUFL
Retweeted by That Mom ThoHusband and I figured out 3 turned off alerts on our phones for when we text each other and I’m pretty sure he’s angling for two Christmas’s
Retweeted by That Mom ThoMy all-alligator remake of Dirty Dancing has encountered some unexpected problems
Retweeted by That Mom ThoMy kids kept complaining my bedtime stories weren't scary enough so I told them about their older sister Sharon who… https://t.co/KQOc0kDwUn
Retweeted by That Mom ThoMaybe I didn't see you there, because you don't believe in yourself. Tooth Fairy:
Retweeted by That Mom Tho @treydayway I really love that movieUnpopular opinion: the movie 5th Element is better than 85.67% of all Star Wars and Star Trek movies
Retweeted by That Mom ThoThanks for including me 🥰 https://t.co/X71R4miqIgI once got offered $800 to sleep with a married couple... The government gave me $600 to go fuck myself
Retweeted by That Mom Tho @samimostlyhappy So scary 😂 @itmegreggy https://t.co/UBNeN673pD @TwinzerDad Oh yeah thoughts and prayers @hurrakhi @mattewe02 😂 @SnarkyMommy78 Can I get your kids number? They can just call each other and discuss! @pantless_papple I think they all conspire togethergood morning to everyone except my four year old who woke me up at 530 to inform me she can only dress herself if h… https://t.co/mCzZhOkoOXYou're the yin to my wang
Retweeted by That Mom ThoQuarantine: stay inside where theres nothing to do and be sa- Adderall & Craft Supplies: MAKE DUCKS
Retweeted by That Mom ThoMacaw: “Day 37; Betty White still thinks I’m two ducks.” https://t.co/uZiGH2okOS
Retweeted by That Mom ThoCan't wait till things get back to abnormal.
Retweeted by That Mom ThoI just kissed the top of my dog's head, and he shook to get it off. So, yeah....I'm pretty good at relationships.
Retweeted by That Mom ThoWelcome to adulthood, you now have a favorite spice on the rack (It’s paprika)
Retweeted by That Mom ThoRemember when Simba defeated Scar and the climate changed back, vegetation regrew all over and no aninal was starvi… https://t.co/KNJLcv88GT
Retweeted by That Mom ThoAny hour can be a happy hour when you don’t say stupid shit like, “it’s five o’clock somewhere”
Retweeted by That Mom ThoI prefer not to carry anything that doesn’t fit in my pockets.
Retweeted by That Mom ThoThe most powerful weapons in the world is your words!
Retweeted by That Mom ThoI'm not a navy seal but I've been mistaken for an actual seal when I was laying on the beach. I scared the shit ou… https://t.co/CDLmZqRLDx
Retweeted by That Mom ThoWelcome to adulthood. Your keys will be in the pocket closest to the hand holding the most grocery bags.
Retweeted by That Mom ThoListen... If Daniel LaRusso and Johnny Lawrence can set aside their differences and come together in Karate Kid: Th… https://t.co/uJwtYUmZZ7
Retweeted by That Mom ThoI am you have to stay up until midnight and have Cinemax to see boobs years old
Retweeted by That Mom Tho @itmegreggy ️️ ️️️️️️️️️ ️️ ️️ ️️️️ ️️️️️️️️️ ️️ ️️ ️️
Retweeted by That Mom Thois it just me or are bottom feeders the roombas of the sea https://t.co/GSzkdyhIJv
Retweeted by That Mom ThoShowed up late with my torch and pitchfork so I just did some night threshing.
Retweeted by That Mom ThoThis day in history. 1945. Adolf Hitler retired to his Führerbunker which featured a beer fridge, a pinball machine… https://t.co/DI3my1i5p9
Retweeted by That Mom Tho[blind date] Her: You don’t look like a Navy SEAL. Me: If you read my profile carefully it says “ᴼˡᵈ Navy ᵇᵉᵃᶜʰᵉᵈ Seal.”
Retweeted by That Mom ThoHow to be a parent 101: #67: Never, never, never let the little bastards see you cry.
Retweeted by That Mom ThoMe: I wish I had a 12 inch penis Genie: *turns me into a horse* That what you wanted? Me: Neigh
Retweeted by That Mom ThoMy toddler wiped her mouth on her sleeve and my husband silently got up, grabbed two paper towels, wrapped her slee… https://t.co/wO9XygFlZq
Retweeted by That Mom ThoCrunchy or creamy peanut butter? Neither. I prefer my peanuts pre-chewed and fed to me by syringe like a baby bird
Retweeted by That Mom Thosomeone made dumplings that look exactly like bubbly goldfish and I can’t stop thinking about it https://t.co/TUJClb4g8h
Retweeted by That Mom ThoMe: Catamaran? More like dogamaran amirite lol Friend: You don’t know what it means, do you? Me: I do not.
Retweeted by That Mom ThoSaturday morning cartoons made me happier.
Retweeted by That Mom ThoHats off to... Haha got your hat! You can't catch me I'm moving… https://t.co/OjHJwA7Ycb
Retweeted by That Mom ThoI like big rolls of toilet paper. Mega roll? Not good enough. I want the roll to protrude into the next room. I wan… https://t.co/Ucu1krBLo4
Retweeted by That Mom Thome when i receive a picture in my DMs with a warning that it 'may contain sensitive material': https://t.co/tX1UW3iycs
Retweeted by That Mom Tho
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