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27. Professional Dad. Stop being an idiot, and start being donuts. (This is where my jokes go to die)

779 Following   10,456 Followers   13,378 Tweets

Joined Twitter 1/25/09


I just came across this gif from an old video and I have no recollection of the context, but this is damn good advi… https://t.co/6kinVRKsXgDear men, what is preventing you from looking like this? https://t.co/vXchYOyVtq
5/27
2020
Is there a way I can make a career out of being really judgemental, but not about anything that actually mattersAre all the hot women I’m attracted to just born with girlfriends or what
5/26
2020
@MatthewKBegbie @neonfiona AhahahahahI am drunk but not yet drowned and I love women, y’all!! Wow it’s 8:30 PM
5/25
2020
It’s Loki! A good boy! https://t.co/rXrdxWzGPk
5/24
2020
Check out this dog https://t.co/QwjPvku5IT
5/23
2020
@lisadraws @marinashutup I’m sure u already know but DUDE !!!!!I love the new Harry Styles music video https://t.co/6epfOEgHWn @elle91 Thank you ☺️“I don’t need therapy I just need attention” Bitch I need both @DothTheDoth https://t.co/vGf9uLlhq2Today is NOT my Birthday but you still HAVE to be nice to me @davidqbyrne Don’t
5/22
2020
@doddleoddle OHhttps://t.co/ZxiPCgS5WiSee: - Miranda Priestly - My middle school bullies - Cruella de Vil - Kathryn Merteuil - My sister’s dog - Blair Waldorf - Heather Chandler @doddleoddle I’m confuseWhy are the meanest people the most stylishI’m seeing majority say Toph and I love that!!!
5/21
2020
I’m gonna delete this tweet but indulge my nerd-ass https://t.co/iBJwAf09Tz1 second after the movie gets out I’m “MY OPINION IS”Does the fact that this has never happened or occurred to me confirm I’m an asshole https://t.co/9NHaUhiugy @ThatAaron OH I KNOW AND IM CAUTIOUSLY PUMPED @neonfiona 4,5,6,1,2,3,7,8,9. @tennseventeen Lol if only it were that easy. There are literally classes to teach adults because it’s a particular… https://t.co/9SivJ42RmhHey, my name is Morgan, I’m 27, and if I had a dollar for every time someone told me they would teach me how to rid… https://t.co/2V9I5TtsPX @HannahLeeKidder I don’t know how to ride one
5/20
2020
And that’s one of the reasons I hate this bird appOne time I tweeted that they should do a reboot of breaking bad & despite 98% of my tweets being jokes someone resp… https://t.co/r6drpTw2BI @Addison_Peacock RudeWhen Dakota Johnson had that interview with Ellen? Immediately horny for that @MaiLinhsTweets @evilhag @edgarwright @likemark @maebirdwing @AnnaKendrick47 @BrandonJRouth @ellenwongster Yessssssss!
5/19
2020
@MaiLinhsTweets It’s just... such a weird choice???Literally I just saw a girl in a pic with some on her back and got Flustered lolFreckles and moles are hot. The more the merrier! I don’t know why! But damn, I love me some body polka dots @MaiLinhsTweets I immediately stopped talking to a guy on bumble for this @Ottoismy1dog I have never seen a rich person take and eat some leftover french fries off an abandoned plate @neonfiona Wait does your therapist not offer video chat or even phone sessions?
5/18
2020
They said it with a kind smile. That bitch knew what she was laying downI had someone tell me I look like a comedian. A very solid burn @doddleoddle OhmyGOD
5/17
2020
If you post a picture of yourself without makeup and you don’t look ugly, you’re not actually being brave, Jessica @PatGraziosi Dude that’s rad!! @bobbyhalick AdoptionIf Mickey and Minnie love kids so much why didn’t they have anyI have decided to try and combat my low self esteem by looking in the mirror at least once a day and telling that b… https://t.co/FGAWUnZY5C
5/15
2020
His shirt says Papa incase we got confused. Very considerate of this man who lives inside a Cheesecake Factory https://t.co/LOPAD4XIdb @jazz_onmycouch Wow, precious!!!!
5/13
2020
Flipping someone off in genuine anger is so funny to me?? “LOOK AT MY MIDDLE FINGER. IM SHOWING YOU. THIS FINGER IS… https://t.co/hNASOGgyYx @EvanEdinger @connieglynn Never been stung either 🤷‍♂️If you have a crush on me I want to thank you for your service
Retweeted by Morgan PaigeI’m a catch and my cat is lucky to have me
5/12
2020
Meet me at the Cuck Zone 😎 https://t.co/GGMebBFHQX @jaredoban This is a work of fictionHere are photos I would recreate if I were even half as hot as my mom https://t.co/bogWwyTete @marinashutup I have a friend who uses better help and swears by it!
5/11
2020
Yes, I think [famous celebrity] is funny on Twitter. Yes, I will also gladly eat them when the time to dine on the… https://t.co/Y9WSmQcAyRI don’t know what to name this one, but I really like it, and I love the joy on their faces 😊 https://t.co/mRqXnz0c3e
5/10
2020
@givememotion Who knows????
5/9
2020
@icklenellierose @ashens @Farrantula @stevemcneil @lomadia Aw, I love and miss you very much ❤️!!! @theliterarykid @shattered_topaz 💕Polite or pathetic, u decide https://t.co/pGVb7uJW8K @theliterarykid @shattered_topaz Not to undercut the previous response, but I saw this posted a while back and it’s… https://t.co/brLYPOLImx @CassJayTuck @hankgreen Seconded. MBMBAM. Some happy funny punch-up comedy goodness.*then, idiot
5/8
2020
If Benedict Cumberbatch can be hot than so can I @Addison_Peacock I’m certainly TRYING REAL HARDThis is so incredibly unfunny to me that it’s circling back to funny. H E L P M… https://t.co/76OwOwIrx5 @Addison_Peacock My brain: “damn. If Jack Black can be hot then so can I”I love films with rodents who cook very well
5/7
2020
Sometimes I do wish I was the kind of person who could find joy with a simple “don’t talk to me before I’ve had my coffee” mugI made this. My felt poptart pal https://t.co/rmRzvcOP79 @marsupialpuddng LOVE THIS
5/6
2020
Every time someone talks about “choosing happy” an angel vomits in their mouth a little bit @JonnyEveson Gorgeous
5/5
2020
Pussy, boyfriend and pizza? This is the law https://t.co/fTbfGZ2MUL“I hate my wife” Did u know u can... not have one
5/3
2020
@laurenfairwx Wait really? I love thatWhere is my back acne representation in media
5/2
2020
I love her https://t.co/olH4PQRkRyLOL this is from when I was still in the closet and people kept asking me this question and I didn’t wanna lie, so https://t.co/5nl61ptSztI decided to look back at my old tumblr and turns out past me was still pretty great https://t.co/96BCZzUKBjThinkin’ about how I’m not scary enough @MatthewKBegbie FuckI didn’t do it obviously. What would I do if they said hi back? No idea!!!!Today I felt the pull to BE the stranger in someone’s DMs that says “hi” and I am shaken to my core. I can’t get up @goodbeanaltalt That’s rough buddyI got stung by a hornets nest so soon. Why were there no hornets nest tweets https://t.co/4Ccoi5zOnH... finally. Finally I will understand the tweets https://t.co/NgRPSYHLPh
5/1
2020
I comment, “Hope she sees this” (“She” is my grandmother up in heaven, looking to have hot ghost sex with progressive and feminist men) @gilly Nah🎶 I’m a bitch I’m a boss🎶 [zooms in on rosemary and thyme focaccia] 🎶I’m a bitch and a boss, Imma shine like gloss🎶Has anyone made a fancam of bread yet @gillian_biss I am one of the unfortunate few who still cannot get away with that. Life is so unfair @gillian_biss Lol oh yeah. Sacks of yellow fatExcuse me johnmccaine7329, I am 27. I am a young and hot baby https://t.co/uFVZDSuYFA @davidqbyrne @MBMBaM Same!!
4/30
2020
DATE: I love a girl who can just hang ME (trying to impress): [I begin to place a noose around my neck]
4/29
2020

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