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Father. Comedian. Head Writer for The Lowdown on AFRO TV and the pessimistic half of The Obligatory Podcast with Kermit & Myke.

948 Following   1,341 Followers   725 Tweets

Joined Twitter 5/23/12


Great. Now they’ll definitely bounce..... https://t.co/XAklWspqfV via @nbcnews
4/15
2020
Everything you need to know about #tigerking in under 3 minutes! #joeexotic #billyjoel #wedidntstartthefire #parodyhttps://t.co/Uk44OicoIw
4/6
2020
Move over Bobby Boucher! There’s a new underdog in town! #waterboy #zamboni #hockey #Hurricanes https://t.co/9LvELTls0N
2/23
2020
There was no need to glue them on the pigeon’s heads... Especially when the sheep will wear them willingly... Welco… https://t.co/sw61eZgtGE
2/22
2020
What happens When it falls below 40° in Florida? Feel free to share with your northern friends who think they have… https://t.co/uWOoYU2ZV0
1/22
2020
When God is your co-pilot.... https://t.co/IueOpmU614
1/21
2020
Fort Lauderdale... See you this week! https://t.co/rsSnOZI1UF
1/20
2020
Well That backfired... https://t.co/wYi5TcRMld
1/19
2020
I watch with the volume off... trust me, the plots not that hard to follow... https://t.co/9lls04WGeP
1/18
2020
So we just gonna act like Japanese Shouring Vases aren’t a thing?!?! https://t.co/9v9Nm98hhT
1/17
2020
As a @gameofthrones fan... I'm good with this... Kansas man wants to settle ugly custody battle with 'trial by com… https://t.co/0lpI12PjKN
1/16
2020
Disney is really grasping for new characters... Ladies and Gentleman... The Mariachian! https://t.co/JBpbQ4GDJt
1/15
2020
Amazing magic! Sorry for the technical difficulties... but when performing live, s**t happens! #magic #streetmagichttps://t.co/sMoN9mcpsU
1/14
2020
Everybody has this roommate.... What does your roommate do that drives you crazy? #pos #badroommate #funnyvideoshttps://t.co/wB7jRg9XDV
1/13
2020
Great show with @LouieAnderson and @CarmenVallone at @daytonabeachhilton ! https://t.co/JtwCHi8YqT
1/11
2020
Hasbro has bought Death Row Records. Making way for a Death Row inspired version of Monopoly where players end up d… https://t.co/NR7nybI8ae @Publix Subs #InsteadOfMoneyPleaseSend3 Chicken Double D’s all-the-way and a Mouth-Hugger from @GringosLocosFL #InsteadOfMoneyPleaseSend
1/10
2020
You ever have THAT roommate? https://t.co/NSNaNVs76R
1/9
2020
Siri can you hear me?
1/8
2020
Fun Fact: Don’t F**K With Cats was the original name of the group now known as PETA. #PETA #DontFWithCats #DontFWithCats #DontFkWithCats
1/7
2020
Anyone else getting excited for Christmas? #Christmas2020
1/6
2020
What?!?! Sandals with a hidden flask?!?! And people say I’m hard to shop for.... #jameson #whiskey #jamesbondhttps://t.co/MTRLjlCU0P
1/5
2020
Worst. Roommate. Ever. What does your roommate do that sets you off? https://t.co/dAlwp6LjKM
1/4
2020
I’m glad I broke all my resolutions in the first 48. Takes the pressure off the rest year...
1/3
2020
Let me see if I remember how this thing works...
1/2
2019
He also claims to have written “All of Me” ... @johnlegend @chrissyteigen @realDonaldTrump https://t.co/TYT7edxlXU
9/9
2019
Apparently there’s only room for one boy-wizard.... https://t.co/AHu5ZlUi11Any truth that @ArianaGrande has got Forver 21 changing its name to Chapter 11?
9/4
2019
My 8-Year-old just explained to me how Pokémon: Detective Pikachu is basically Avengers: Infinity War and I couldn’… https://t.co/zyS9EEpwN5
5/12
2019
#truth #bookfail #tokillamockingbird https://t.co/mTNMmI9DS4
5/8
2019
Oh! So, OUR refund came in? #TaxReturn #taxrefund #IRS #loanshark #getmeback https://t.co/n9Ci3tz1hxBe honest.. It’d be the most violent game ever!...It’d make GTA look like Paperboy! Leave YOUR mom’s weapon of choi… https://t.co/ht7bGQbrBs
2/15
2019
#SuperBowlSunday #SuperBowl53 #SuperBowlLIII #TomBrady #DeflateGate #rams #RamsVsPatriots #dunkindonuts https://t.co/69tfiJ2B0v
2/3
2019
“To Catch A Predator” Host Chris Hansen was arrested this week for passing bad checks totaling nearly $13,000. Hans… https://t.co/pVR9Uxyy2MTwo sisters discovered a five-foot wide crater on a New Jersey beach this week. Authorities are now trying to deter… https://t.co/ZdoAskZXYLNY Police seized an illegal alligator from a Suffolk County home. The tip came from a concerned neighbor who said h… https://t.co/ZyVA9QP5FLCostco is selling a 27lb bucket of Mac & Cheese containing 180 servings for $89.99. Or as President Trump calls it… https://t.co/nN1ZhXDLyyNike has unveiled a new version of its Air Mac 1 golf sneakers featuring a grass-like turf material to make the sho… https://t.co/rtXLXPk1vwPA Police Dept. sought 3 volunteers to drink to the point of inebriation so officers could be trained how to perfor… https://t.co/4nIvAiZhna
1/22
2019
I miss the days when you could google “President of The United States of America - Peaches” and be directed to a co… https://t.co/dIJq8LlGZn
1/13
2018
Tried one of those chewable viagras. I’m worried. My tongue has been stiff for more than four hours.
10/22
2018
Love the Fall! Every yard filled with political signs. Really helps me to determine which houses I'll be egging on Halloween. 🎃
10/19
2018
#hotcheetos #50cent #oldschool #lilxan #GetWellSoon https://t.co/jgf6IfN66s
9/25
2018
Amazon reportedly aims to open 3,000 cashierless stores by 2021. When asked to comment, a Walmart executive replied… https://t.co/gpfUWuxdUB
9/20
2018
Coca-Cola is currently considering a marijuana-infused drink. If put into production, the company plans to once aga… https://t.co/tOKdYF6rrH
9/18
2018
“The Predator” opened up No. 1 at the domestic box office this week, though it had mixed reviews. The biggest of wh… https://t.co/yRDAUYfCcsInfinity War just passed Titanic to become the 4th highest grossing film in American box office history. James Ca… https://t.co/gDQgFlAVLq
9/17
2018
Texas Board Of Education has voted to eliminate @HillaryClinton & Helen Keller from their History curriculum, savin… https://t.co/AxsNNyGiTA
9/15
2018
Check out "FREE TICKETS!!! ORLANDO IMPROV 8/29 STAND-UP COMEDY!!!" https://t.co/Slxi4jTd9V @Eventbrite
8/27
2018
Wednesday. August 29th. ⁦@ImprovOrlando⁩ Click the link and score some complimentary tickets! https://t.co/ZnWlCnhmYn
8/21
2018
And yet I’ll watch every episode. @oxygen #Snapped #truecrime #murder #womenbecrazy https://t.co/fZwtjCxAhM
8/4
2018
Upon entry, @ChuckECheeses stamps parent’s and children’s hands with matching numbers so, if separated, employees c… https://t.co/mErb0D83OU
7/15
2018
Thanks @HamptonByHilton for another great stay at your Tarpon Springs location. Your staff is always amazing. Alre… https://t.co/SXq2mZED9M
6/5
2018
https://t.co/GKC0xgOafj. If your idea of foreplay includes a non-disclosure agreement, you’re doing it wrong.
5/9
2018
Donald Trump: — “Grab em by the pussy” — “I moved on her like a bitch” — “Blood coming out of her wherever” — “I wo… https://t.co/XwrCOSaydY
Retweeted by Myke Herlihy
4/30
2018
April Fools’ and Easter fall on the same day this year. Which reminds me, remember when Jesus pranked us with that… https://t.co/P6iHYCnTaG
3/24
2018
#MarvelUniverseLIVE https://t.co/A28iHCcY41
1/13
2017
@McDonalds Why do you treat me like this? I just want to love you. https://t.co/LytYFlngTp
12/27
2017
Navy disciplines aviators who drew a penis in the sky by making them write "We will not draw penises in the sky." o… https://t.co/ltscGU5Ias
12/3
2017
Matt Lauer says NBC still owes him $30M, the balance of his contract. NBC says they won't pay it due to Lauer's bre… https://t.co/Sm7BivYlWoThis week President Trump's staff began complaining of cockroach, mice and ant infestations in the White House. Oth… https://t.co/uN5DQpjwzD
12/2
2017
Skipped leg-day this week, for the 2,134th week in a row.
10/27
2017
Daenerys uses dragons like UBER. #GameOfThrones
8/28
2017
Next Tuesday is so close I can TASTE IT!!! @AGT #AGT 😜 https://t.co/ny2O84ZgjJ
Retweeted by Myke Herlihy
7/30
2017
If you could have lunch with anyone who would it be? For me, it'd definitely be @MelBrooks. #legend
7/27
2017
Tiger Woods got a DUI. Apparently he's now struggling with driving on and off the green.
5/29
2017
Great show tonight by the Geeks of Comedy. The roast of Darth Vader. HILARIOUS! Good to see my… https://t.co/yxAR1E7bCI
Retweeted by Myke Herlihy
5/4
2017
Love getting the "Your flights being delayed 2hrs" notification right after turning in the rental car. Let's pull it together @FlyFrontier
4/24
2017
We get it Siri, you don't believe in the whole "Jesus/Bunny" thing. #HappyEaster https://t.co/lLXaMSdDoI
4/17
2017
Kids woke me up to search for Easter Eggs. 30 minutes and they haven't found one. I'll wait another 60 before I tell them I didn't hide any.
4/16
2017
https://t.co/mBpZWQ7XOtHanging with the Comedy fam... @kenmiller30 akeemwoods @jersey_hotcomic @mykeherlihy @ Wall… https://t.co/vTVBimOffm
Retweeted by Myke Herlihy
4/6
2017
@Walmart Or..Just brainstorming here..Your managers could be trained to staff a store based on the needs of the business during peak hours. @Walmart The John Young Parkway location in Orlando. The rest of my visit was glorious. Trips to "The Wall" are the high point of my week.
3/11
2017
Shopping Tip: Never buy ice cream at @Walmart ..it'll melt before you can make it through the check-out line. #29registersonly1open
3/10
2017
@LisaLoeb Yes! Arghhh!! Nothing like running to catch a plane and thinking "Was that Lisa Loeb?! Nah! Couldn't be!" Thanks for the music! @LisaLoeb did I just see you in Vegas?!?!
3/4
2017
It's no coincidence that just when I start eating healthy McDonalds starts their delivery service in Orlando. https://t.co/bcmpjdue2R
2/23
2017
All fitness centers should employ gym photographers. That way members could finally spend their time working out instead of taking selfies.
2/18
2017
Pretty sure Donald Trump uses Dan Quayle to spell check his tweets.
2/15
2017
REYNALDO REY #comicsthatcomicsshouldknow
2/14
2017
GEORGE WALLACE #comicsthatcomicsshouldknow
2/13
2017
TIM REID #comicsthatcomicsshouldknow
2/12
2017
BERNIE MAC #comicsthatcomicsshouldknow
2/11
2017
NIPSEY RUSSELL #comicsthatcomicsshouldknow
2/10
2017
GODFREY CAMBRIDGE #comicsthatcomicsshouldknow
2/7
2017
MOMS MABLEY #comicsthatcomicsshouldknowHeard there was a delay in the @Patriots getting their SB 51 Champs t-shirts because they were already on a plane to Haiti. #superbowl
2/6
2017
I just read Trump is upset that they didn't ask him to throw out the first pitch at the Super Bowl. #showsomerespectFLIP WILSON #comicsthatcomicsshouldknow
2/5
2017
REDD FOXX #comicsthatcomicsshouldknow
2/4
2017
PAUL MOONEY #comicsthatcomicsshouldknow
2/3
2017
MARSHA WARFIELD #comicsthatcomicsshouldknowDICK GREGORY #comicsthatcomicsshouldknow
2/2
2017
Whenever @billburr releases a special it's like Christmas for comics. #netflix #walkyourwayout
1/31
2017
Girl: You can tell how a man makes love by the way he dances. How do you dance? Me: By myself. In the dark. To Peter Cetera.
1/24
2017
When the @tacobell drive-thru runs out of napkins, so they raid their bathroom dispenser. Their managers truly… https://t.co/BbNRxk1wh9
1/21
2017
I think @realDonaldTrump is going to be a terrible President, but I also thought @BenAffleck was going to be a terrible Batman. #whatdoiknow
1/20
2017
Trump animatronic in Disney's Hall Of Presidents? I can't wait to see it interrupt Washington and call Lincoln a loser. @realDonaldTrump
1/17
2017

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