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Comedian. Writer for Paste Magazine. I'm fine.

631 Following   648 Followers   604 Tweets

Joined Twitter 7/16/11


Do you know the sheer number of times I’ve gotten sick from other comics at shows and mics??? Countless. Possibly e… https://t.co/ua6jrz7Vby
Retweeted by Olivia Cathcart
8/15
2020
Twitter shows me the same four boring comedians under the “Comedy” topic. Wonder where they learned that...
8/14
2020
Made a list of 20 items with pen and paper and now I can barely feel my fingers. I love carpal tunnel!
8/13
2020
Bleghsomeone... my name is right there at the end lol https://t.co/kDNUBIg9Q7
Retweeted by Olivia CathcartIf Cardi B Did The Sound Effects For Star Wars - Episode II https://t.co/a2SF98mrfC
Retweeted by Olivia Cathcart
8/11
2020
@Jonathan_McCoy Oooo. I wish the whole thing was just Dakota Johnson’s storyline. Wasn’t into the others @Jonathan_McCoy Yours? @Jonathan_McCoy Oooo either Casino Royale or Anchorman @Jonathan_McCoy Exactly. Were-Greyhound not the god of war type @Jonathan_McCoy Great save for Ares casting. Like mmmm British uncle maybe ain’t it @Jonathan_McCoy Did you love Batman v Superman? @Jonathan_McCoy Yea I haven’t seen that one. I liked the first season of UA a lot and felt this one had good ideas… https://t.co/t5yU2IoAxN @Jonathan_McCoy I’m also really tired of pop culture’s obsession with time travel re: JFK @Jonathan_McCoy Halfway there!!! But whyyyyyyy s2? Days til apocalypse (rehash of s1), Quiet henchman trope, nobody… https://t.co/WRwAS5f6kuI know she didn’t get much to do this time, but Ellen Page put on a goddamn SHOW last season and everyone overlooki… https://t.co/eDD6J0qTUJOoowee everyone who said season 2 of Umbrella Academy was better than the first was wrong. Very trope-yWet Ass Pussy: $10 + $5 shipping Wet And Gushy: $15/free shippingI’m on episode 4 of season 2 of Umbrella Academy. When does someone get a good haircut?
8/10
2020
Jesus https://t.co/ApJOW61UzoVery funny to watch the same comics who have spent the past year righteously eviscerating anyone ever seen in a pho… https://t.co/A5aqOcXjmS
Retweeted by Olivia Cathcart
8/9
2020
I demand to know the marketing budget for this fucking Homescapes app
8/8
2020
@ItsTheBrandi Right. As you get to know someone, it affects their level of attractiveness in either direction. It’s… https://t.co/SHQpfu4gaj @ItsTheBrandi I don’t want to be dismissive of anything that people have found helpful, but sometimes this is exact… https://t.co/8arAeD90Rq @ItsTheBrandi To me it just makes sense that the more you know someone the greater effect it has on attraction. I d… https://t.co/eIfQmz0XkO @ItsTheBrandi I’m asexual and I’ve had people tell me maybe I’m just this (they didn’t know the word) instead of ac… https://t.co/bPMJjgF5YyOne of those Australians try American junk food videos but it’s asexuals listen to Cardi BAfter all he’s done in the last 4yrs who is still blown away by him mispronouncing things? I can’t give an ounce of a shit @MikeVmos Oh ok I’m too cheap for that @CherithFuller Yess! Chickens!!Wait, how are people watching the Portland game? I’m only getting HOUvLAL
8/7
2020
Remember after Bridesmaids Judd said fuck Jerry Lewis and that there should be more female-lead movies and now he j… https://t.co/9pt6xyeQ7b @workthatsass @luisadieznuts The gift that keeps on givingI’m sorry, this is hilarious. https://t.co/cywoCI1d3Y
8/6
2020
Reminder: The measure of how kind a person someone is is how nice they are to famous people.
Retweeted by Olivia CathcartWhat We Do in the Shadows has the best opening title sequence on TV right now. @paigeweldon Worked for a blind co. and pleaded for them to stop selling expensive custom-made verticalsAthletes that should have retired last year but didn’t must be real pissed at themselves now.
8/5
2020
not trying to be annoying but literally what else would it be about https://t.co/FlyCUBcvsP
Retweeted by Olivia CathcartI know you motherfuckers have watched way too much Greys Anatomy to be pretending you can’t have a conversation with a mask on rn.
8/3
2020
A guy tried to tell me what was in my homemade biscotti. I had to tell him 3x no oil was in the recipe and I still… https://t.co/QvW1lhowbMWho’s picking the replacement, Dan Snyder? https://t.co/9tpFUO6f4b @boozetornado Thanks!Comics be like “come to our outdoor show! We’re taking social distancing very seriously!” then pose for a picture l… https://t.co/sRQ1eW2sD1
8/2
2020
(Please buy me the Ajax trapper keeper) @zachreinert0 Congrats! And also get well soon! Damn!The overwhelming theme of this season’s football/soccer kits is “Trapper Keeper” https://t.co/RQQG9Ei5GH
8/1
2020
I wrote about why it’s not worth it to do live comedy right now (yes, outdoor shows included). Take it to Zoom. https://t.co/GrAGq2fv8Lperfect example of why I can't stand this term and am so disappointed when people I respect use it sincerely https://t.co/xEXvW9OACQ
Retweeted by Olivia CathcartI can’t stand reading all these excerpts of comics being openly creepy around their friends on their podcast. Even… https://t.co/qdz9oXCwZaWow, well fuck this virus-passing rapist hack. https://t.co/YrVPO80hgR
Retweeted by Olivia Cathcart
7/31
2020
Ok, goodnight https://t.co/R7pRyNzJtx
7/30
2020
You can’t say art critics’ opinions are meaningless unless they’re “successful” artists themselves when you’re crea… https://t.co/9AQUSAyj6J
7/29
2020
Annie Murphy and her excellent hand acting absolutely deserves an Emmy.
7/28
2020
Ahh... shitI said until Atlanta gets an NWSL team, I’m all in for Chicago and now I’m afraid I Orlando’d this @franklinleonard This was my 11am setup minus 1. Now I’m down to just my tv and a dead iPad @franklinleonard Oh hell, that’s beautiful @franklinleonard NWSL championship is on CBS, much better
7/26
2020
@caitiedelaney GoPro POV mountain biking @MykeATL “Hollywood John” a nickname that’s supposed to be a burn
7/25
2020
Cop comic performing an indoor comedy show during a pandemic: talk about not being able to read the roomMy fave part of last weeks Baited was when Alyssa, unprompted, asks “do you know how I became an activist?” before… https://t.co/ygOQoCRzgl
7/24
2020
@ChrisLedf The appointment was to check for fractures. Root canal wasn’t a hypothesis originally.I had a surprise root canal this morning so if you need to reach me, you don’tAbsolutely no one. Jesus Christ, this isn’t sourdough bread https://t.co/evJeBezjG8I mean, it’s pretty easy to root for any team fielding Julie Ertz, but until Atlanta gets an NWSL team I think I’m… https://t.co/Sjn4sEyCLj
7/23
2020
Universal Studios parks advertising like we don’t know they’re in Florida. @MikeVmos NY and Connecticut are the standouts
7/22
2020
I’m on a two migraine a day schedule so I need every sporting event to go exactly the way I want them to.
7/21
2020
Andy Samberg's reaction to Portrait of a Lady on Fire may be the best review of the film yet https://t.co/VnWfX1G6nR https://t.co/tYgnpGhIP4
Retweeted by Olivia Cathcart
7/20
2020
#goodtrouble https://t.co/ERuHdFadp9Since college, I’d been saving up to move to the city. When I finally did I was so excited to find that my apt was… https://t.co/xUF6CbyiR2Do not get lost in a sea of despair. Be hopeful, be optimistic. Our struggle is not the struggle of a day, a week,… https://t.co/giF40CvHE1
Retweeted by Olivia Cathcart
7/18
2020
@everythingloria @BrianEmond @everythingloria Hi! I’m bisexual and asexual. I’m a stand-up comedian, comedy journalist, copywriter, and screenwr… https://t.co/Mi6FMfjAluDon’t sell Declan Rice my godWoooooo Alyssa likes to talk
7/17
2020
How have not 1 but 2 new scooter companies debuted during the pandemic???
7/15
2020
I just want the industry to know there’s lots of funny woman comics, because it looks like you guys think there’s just three.
Retweeted by Olivia CathcartI follow a couple European dogs on Instagram and every day I see their suspiciously fun stories and ask myself, wai… https://t.co/Z2TX4ciDEd @keeneTV EVERYTHING!!!!! @keeneTV !!!!!! https://t.co/KoyLPdxukC @keeneTV The witches episode! S2e9. She’s Nadja’s lookalikeSpooky Bitch was my favorite that season. Best cameo of all timeOh I INSTANTLY recognized Helena aka “spooky bitch” from the last season of Bake Off on “What We Do in the Shadows.… https://t.co/BDAxjozIaZ
7/14
2020
My vote is Washington Wolves. Not red wolves, just wolves. Make a clean break. Now you got aliteration and an aweso… https://t.co/3ApVPpKRJ4As much as Redtails is a cool name, I don’t trust the NFL guys who staunchly defended their racist nickname for yea… https://t.co/85T50yWOT4Members of a community should feel comfortable speaking up about the problems they see within them. If that scares… https://t.co/HwdvBI65nF
7/13
2020
@lgbtqfc Only longtime sports journalist follow that I don’t have to mute in the off-season
7/12
2020
ATL!! https://t.co/46ZSJkbg3ZA lot of comedians would benefit from googling the “Streisand Effect”
7/11
2020
@SoSure Happy Bday, Sosh!
7/9
2020
From the IMDB trivia section for the 1997 movie “Anaconda.” WHY WOULD YOU TAKE THAT JOB?? https://t.co/GbwOfMcwGR
7/6
2020
Goodnight. Wear a mask, stay home. Comedy can wait.Comics don’t like it when you tell them indoor shows are dangerous. In other news, Dr. Hammond is outraged anyone w… https://t.co/GUttpE1GnLEvery 3rd grade classroom had a kid with this haircut https://t.co/n9Gp6wSRo0I should have known better than to suggest people put their health and the health of others over comedy after seein… https://t.co/OFHpXbAxzKGrateful for friends who look out for you https://t.co/21JPIymOTu
7/5
2020
@luisadieznuts someone needs to take my phone from me
7/4
2020

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