Sign in with Twitter

Username:

Host of @NPRAskMeAnother, Standup Comic, frequent @MothStories host, author of "Screw Everyone: Sleeping My Way to Monogamy." 🇨🇦 I don't cut my own bangs 💇‍♀️

1,973 Following   17,805 Followers   9,730 Tweets

Joined Twitter 5/21/11


I was online shopping for a new dresser for my kid’s room - nothing fancy - and the site said it would ship in Oct.… https://t.co/xhQzPH0Duz
8/5
2020
My full Comedy Central Half Hour is free on YouTube for the month of August. Watch it and see if anything I said 7… https://t.co/U72OrQDQRO
Retweeted by Ophira Eisenberg @tira_tira_tira I always hated that defense - Since grade school @jennyhagel Hahahahaha @causticpaws breakfast?!!!What the heck is going on here? https://t.co/WB7zdGnLdv
8/4
2020
Surprise spot on a zoom show in an hour with @jackiekashian - come zoom in. 1pmPT, 4pmET https://t.co/CnlNKPhHvP @deemaster @andydillehay @NPRAskMeAnother I saw that and it freaked me out. I’ve since been practicing the classic scream. It’s working.
8/2
2020
Found a goal list I wrote in early March. Haven’t laughed that hard in a while!SAT. 8/1 at 8pm Live in the backyard! NERD IS THE NEW BLACK @CharlesMcBee hosts @OphiraE @GaryViderhttps://t.co/GGYqH4SKts
Retweeted by Ophira Eisenberg
7/31
2020
@AuntPancake @DairyMilkIn Mmmmmmmmmmm @BradLoekle @DairyMilkIn You know that’s why we met
7/28
2020
I found out the grocery store near me carries my favorite chocolate bar @DairyMilkIn fruit&nut and for a moment I felt safe.If someone you like doesn’t ghost you but rather continues the conversation but keeps rejecting you - is that called haunting? @svaneksmith I’ve been intermittent fasting twitter and I feel healthier @fancynancynyc Those flowers! Amazing and proves that succulents are actually aliens
7/27
2020
@JayNog Love the addition of the tent
7/26
2020
@ShellMcPherson I know - maybe a week. But I also know everyone who has access to a car - is driving !I think NY traffic is especially bad right now because there are 1 million new drivers on the roads who just bought cars. @merrik_bush Even I love thisIt’s weird to gush over your own show- but these guests oh my! They made this @NPRAskMeAnother exceptional. Check i… https://t.co/87c9SRDqLgI used to browse endlessly online for clothes I couldn’t afford. Now I do it with Airbnbs.Great contestants and guests in this new episode! https://t.co/t8E9vhS2BN @KatieGoodman That’s a Netflix special and TLC series @JuneCasagrande Haha yes!This is everything you need to know about how the industry treats my industry.Can’t they try randomly try plumbing or auto repair or conceige? https://t.co/wHka84I0Gy
7/24
2020
This was so fun! Talking #gonegirl with @mediumppodcast ! https://t.co/B53PomvgXoNew hilarious episode reviewing #gonegirl is available right now with @NPRAskMeAnother host @OphiraE! This movie… https://t.co/FZo9oLipEo
Retweeted by Ophira Eisenberg
7/22
2020
This week's episodes: Wednesday: iTunes - #gonegirl w/ @OphiraE Friday: Patreon - @boricuacollins reviews… https://t.co/55TylJeQIT
Retweeted by Ophira Eisenberg
7/21
2020
@samrubinoff You’re right the orchids couldn’t handle itI’ve been taking out my frustration on my plants. I just called one of them a waste of water.
7/20
2020
Well, this let me tell you about this new @NPRAskMeAnother episode!! We have @BravoTopChef @PadmaLakshmi! And best… https://t.co/AzxLitsv9I
7/18
2020
Head over to FB at 9PM and @OphiraE and @jordancarlos and I will answer parenting questions while I, for one, slowl… https://t.co/S0nFXjySTr
Retweeted by Ophira Eisenberg @standardtuber @EmilyFlake @jordancarlos Oh nice! I felt so much better after - healing powers of @EmilyFlake and @jordancarlos !
7/17
2020
Bring on your questions and advice needs! 🍼❓ ShitShow returns! Helpline edition. Thurs 7/16 at 9pm join me and… https://t.co/JEP8DiurxQ
7/15
2020
Free writing prompt: Imagine the world is burning and someone offers you a writing prompt. What are 7–10 devastat… https://t.co/DAf1bo5C8o
Retweeted by Ophira EisenbergThis would be me on Ask Me Another trying desperately to get @OphiraE's attention https://t.co/LJgshYcyZQ
Retweeted by Ophira Eisenberg @rxxxelledlvnd Oh!! This THE best! I love it. Betsy could be a contestant @jonathancoulton
7/14
2020
@svaneksmith Love. I use my leftover holiday stamps too @guybranum @amymiller I’d pay to see this.this is the crazy awesome lineup. @OphiraE @JessicaKirson @FunnyAida @JessicaKirson @EJthecomichttps://t.co/mMW6EzqXGj
Retweeted by Ophira Eisenberg
7/13
2020
@Mr_MSG @starfishncoffee Yeah- nothingWord of Mouth Live! is tonight at 7pm. Hosted by @OphiraE and @bigalicenyc If you are local to the New Hope area,… https://t.co/2PioghYIVN
Retweeted by Ophira EisenbergLondon: And here we are... https://t.co/OmSAYTUbSs
Retweeted by Ophira Eisenberg
7/12
2020
Just so non-parents understand: Every time society re-opens bars & gyms prematurely, they expand the amount of time… https://t.co/nHb8Zv7V3z
Retweeted by Ophira Eisenberghttps://t.co/iA6tSHshNQAnd we’re back with a new @npraskmeanother! From @hulu’s Palm Springs @cristinmilioti & @CamilaMendes! From… https://t.co/g8umYsTV1kso we shut down schools when there was a couple hundred cases but we should open them when we have thousands & stil… https://t.co/T2oFjuLZZ6
Retweeted by Ophira Eisenberg @dr_kulp I am so so grateful you tuned in! I’m so happy and I have to say that was one of the most fun zoom shows. Hope to see you again!! @Matt_Matros Hard agree“It goes by so fast...” will no longer be said by any parent about their small children growing upIt’s happening so soon - 9pm ET but join from any time zone! https://t.co/dvjqsI9T7mGonna attend my first ever live comedy event tonight, and it's virtual, @OphiraE of Ask Me Another fame at the Nowh… https://t.co/ORxwFlj8gZ
Retweeted by Ophira EisenbergTONIGHT me & @OphiraE co-headlining Nowhere Comedy Club with @nori_reed opening! 9pm EST get tickets here: https://t.co/wQdbF9IJDo
Retweeted by Ophira Eisenberg
7/10
2020
Thanks to everyone who came out to The Laugh-In yesterday @BelAireDiner Next week we are back at 8pm from here on… https://t.co/gMvqtVHFfH
Retweeted by Ophira EisenbergI love hearing “kids are so resilient”. If kids are so resilient why do many of us spend our adult life in therapy… https://t.co/F0gXS5s2w7 @SteamYard @ComedyGroupie @jackiekashian @thismyshow @AcmeComedyCo Haha-Love to! I thought you were a virtual produ… https://t.co/BbCsXz29d3 @ComedyGroupie @jackiekashian @thismyshow @AcmeComedyCo I tried something called @SteamYard - and I thought it was… https://t.co/6uTVQV5gLF @jackiekashian @thismyshow totally agree. just talking about this.Don’t forget to flush and don’t forget to pre-order my book!!! Links for pre-order at https://t.co/RiXK9mf5gg or wh… https://t.co/nJMulpUOXa
Retweeted by Ophira Eisenberg @svaneksmith Is it? https://t.co/knu8gYXNEH
7/8
2020
@KennethWReid Nailed it @petridishes Or are you pragmatic and on the go?Tuesday 6pm!! The Laugh-In @BelAireDiner OUTDOOR SEATING $6 a ticket $21 Table of 4 Featuring @seanytimehttps://t.co/kxlfKiY8nX
Retweeted by Ophira Eisenberg
7/7
2020
@heathr @BelAireDiner @BethanyVanDelft @nori_reed @ComedyNowhere just drive in shows - people in cars. It's outside and sorta life affirmingHere we go again! This Tuesday join me LIVE in Astoria drive in style @BelAireDiner and if you dont live in that ar… https://t.co/M9cUEhlHkN
7/6
2020
@megmbowles @Apple oh boy. well they say medicine is an art. @svaneksmith @Apple Branding Done!They take your temperature before letting you into @apple store so it’s the closest we have to free healthcare.listen, me and @OphiraE are co-headlining Nowhere Comedy Club on July 9th, @nori_reed is opening and its just gonna… https://t.co/c8HvSMNRAq
Retweeted by Ophira Eisenberg @rudd_martin I would love to be in a safe and boring corner. #goals @rudd_martin 😊 @amyehawthorne I’ve had dreams where I do that and then freak out - is this ok????My outlook is best described as False Positive“First I will start a church and everyone will pay to come in and then I will sell merch at The Gap and everyone I… https://t.co/2J51n1TpZv
Retweeted by Ophira Eisenberg @sydney_neilson @NPRAskMeAnother @jonathancoulton new one this Friday I promise! and thank youuuuuuuu!
7/5
2020
@ComedyGroupie I’m on a thread of parents who are livid there isn’t more thinking/ solutions/ resources put towards… https://t.co/0JPc0TWZP4 @ComedyGroupie Right - I feel like if they can’t provide a safe plan for the teachers - then there will be no school. @ComedyGroupie Maybe we will be? We certainly need some creative solutions to say the least
7/4
2020
Until we can get together again - virtual comedy keeps us comics going! July 9th, 9pmET @ComedyNowhere This is my… https://t.co/imUF56WNofFor anyone who feels like they “wasted” quarantine because they didn’t write a novel or learn a new language or get… https://t.co/xr9JG6nPYw
Retweeted by Ophira Eisenberg
7/3
2020
@BethanyVanDelft @nori_reed Ok that is the caption. Love you!!!!This is the part where I started crying, also bc before I was a parent I'd say shit like this: “You shouldn’t have… https://t.co/qyxN8mweIi @julianvelard the cartoon of the parent in front of the computer with the kid tugging on the arm made me well up with recognition @curlycomedy So many backward steps before even tiny one can go forwardGiving parents like myself just another reason to cry. https://t.co/FnTPF0DBz4
7/2
2020
What will July 9th look like? Let’s figure it out together ; Bethany Van Delft & Ophira Eisenberg: Co-Headlining on… https://t.co/dTbIxPQyw1 @MaryTobler Not formally but I feel like I keep little tabs in my head
7/1
2020
This is tonight! @BelAireDiner live comedy. Come in cars, on bikes, on chairs - outdoors on a nice NY night. I’ll… https://t.co/0eds7Za05P
6/30
2020
Another virtual comedy show/ benefit for @VarietyAlberta and you can join from anywhere! https://t.co/Q6sr4Nu626Don’t miss our IN THEIR SHOES... w/ prolific screenwriter Eric Roth, hosted by @ophirae! Roth looks back on his cel… https://t.co/3ClYnGB2Ie
Retweeted by Ophira Eisenberg
6/29
2020
@AdamSank @Comedydaddy EXACTLY!!!Don’t forget about our Signature Programs, like IN THEIR SHOES... with @thenormanlear! Norman Lear is a film and te… https://t.co/3NPek64vi3
Retweeted by Ophira Eisenberg
6/28
2020
Tuesday, 6pm Stand-Up Comedy @BelAireDiner OUTDOOR SEATING AVAILABLE Single Seat - $6 - Front Row Table of 4 - $2… https://t.co/GDdtw1ed65
Retweeted by Ophira Eisenberg @bheater Oh no I’m so sorry!
6/27
2020
More laughs guaranteed on Friday July 3, 2020 with @OphiraE in support of Variety Alberta. Gather your besties from… https://t.co/QlN1TxJfnt
Retweeted by Ophira EisenbergNew ep @NPRAskMeAnother with @ZoeysPlaylist: @jcolburnlevy @thealexnewell & @WorkinMomsNFLX: @reitcatouhttps://t.co/sF3nfdQ1d3 @JesseThorn I’m so sorry Jesse, no condolences and sympathy @amyehawthorne 1st wave the vulnerable, 2nd wave the stupid
6/26
2020

0