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AlwaysTired @original_af Illinois, USA

Nothing to see here so move on Bring back stovetop pudding! #fuckcancer

2,097 Following   2,392 Followers   41,519 Tweets

Joined Twitter 6/28/18

Said Chick-fil-A fries are terrible & IPAs taste like soap & now I have angry Priuses circling my cul-de-sac blaring NPR.
Retweeted by AlwaysTiredGot a new blood pressure monitor. Instructions were poor, cuff kept fighting me and I got three error messages befo…
Retweeted by AlwaysTiredLeave full beers in your driveway before a snowstorm. When shoveling you can pretend you're on a treasure hunt.
Retweeted by AlwaysTiredWhat is it about Costco that actually makes you consider eating 150 Andes Mints?
Retweeted by AlwaysTiredI'm little but that's just to distract you from the fact that I'm kicking your ass
Retweeted by AlwaysTiredOne time, I got Tom Hanks autograph, and all it said was "Thanks"
Retweeted by AlwaysTiredIf I ever win the Lotto, I’m paying someone to delete my browser history every 8 hrs.Kissing your butt plug will not turn it into a Prince.
Retweeted by AlwaysTiredI’ve got sauce simmering on the stove and the window open. The boys should be arriving to my yard posthaste.
Retweeted by AlwaysTired @CaponeBrocato Pick you up in 10 min. :)It’s 50 degrees out, sun is shining, and birds are singing....which means the new season of Twitterpated will be dr…
Retweeted by AlwaysTiredFDR: healed the great depression JFK: dared to touch the moon LBJ: spanish for blowjob
Retweeted by AlwaysTiredMy bank statement is basically a food diary
Retweeted by AlwaysTired[first time playing blackjack] DEALER: what ME: I said choke me, daddy DEALER: it’s “hit me” ME: that too
Retweeted by AlwaysTiredIf I wanted any shit from you I’d squeeze your head. @Larz_Man Take me with you plz. @randybruin8 Tell me about it, stud.Put on your roller skates baby, we’re going to Xanadu.Remember when people were freaking out when McDonald’s had Beanie Babies? They’re worth 10 cents now idiot.4: mom was i in your tummy? me: yep! 4: who is in there now? me: no one 4: then why is it so big? husband: oh no
Retweeted by AlwaysTiredI just got a rapid test. Now I’m waiting for the results and just praying that I don’t have rapids.
Retweeted by AlwaysTiredFlirt with me so that we can end up in same mental hospital.
Retweeted by AlwaysTiredheebie-jeebies suggest the existence of sheebie-jeebies
Retweeted by AlwaysTiredI like being single. You always get to be right
Retweeted by AlwaysTiredDo people who abandon their animals know how much the rest of us hate them?
Retweeted by AlwaysTiredJust because I'm flawed doesn't mean I'm not worthy of being someones first priority
Retweeted by AlwaysTiredDon’t appreciate where you’re at, appreciate how far you’ve come.
Retweeted by AlwaysTiredIf you've followed me for long enough you should be able to piece together a nude.
Retweeted by AlwaysTiredIs that the best you can do motherfucker?? -Me every time I tweet
Retweeted by AlwaysTiredHim: What dat mouth do? Me: Cookie Monsters a case of Girl Scout Cookies.
Retweeted by AlwaysTiredI know they say what is meant for you will never leave you, but just found a basket of nachos & an empty margarita…
Retweeted by AlwaysTiredMamas, don’t let your babies grow up to be men that wear shark tooth necklaces at 40.
Retweeted by AlwaysTiredI don't know if I have a stalker but if I do... Can you drop off some wine . Thanks.
Retweeted by AlwaysTiredThings really do align after you let shit go. ☮️
Retweeted by AlwaysTiredI miss the lovely Costco workers trying to feed me blue crab dip and weiners at 9:30am 😫
Retweeted by AlwaysTiredthe male version of Dolly Parton's song is Brolene
Retweeted by AlwaysTiredPlot twist: Marcellas Wallace fucks Zed and they live happily ever after.Just working on my Venmo following.
Retweeted by AlwaysTiredIt cost $53 round trip to fly from Los Angeles to Austin. I would of gone it’s just I can’t afford the Uber to LAX.
Retweeted by AlwaysTiredPressed Juice -The sequel to Juice
Retweeted by AlwaysTiredI go with my gunt.
Retweeted by AlwaysTiredMy daughter calling me dad was my breaking point... I finally shaved my legs.
Retweeted by AlwaysTired @ms5unshine Super Saiyan 2? Been a minute.I ain’t fucking shit without a background checkSooflay, keesh, am I worldly yet?I'm going to Hell in a handbasket. BUT these puppies are also in the handbasket, so it's not so bad...
Retweeted by AlwaysTiredBitch don’t blame me. You’re the one who just had to get a rose tattoo on your ankle.Most of my day at work is spent peeking out my office door to see if anyone is around before I fart.
Retweeted by AlwaysTiredMe opening my eyes to see I have two minutes left before my alarm clock goes off
Retweeted by AlwaysTiredI bought the fancy flavored pringles for Sunday dinner
Retweeted by AlwaysTiredI thought Tiger Woods was a good driver. Get it? Golf? Driving? meh you people don't get it
Retweeted by AlwaysTiredCrazy people are just more fun.
Retweeted by AlwaysTiredI’m all for survival in the wilderness, but I’ll die before I drink pee.Yeah I see it what?Got kicked out of the church social again for impersonating Hamurglar.Make love to her in the garden of light and love.
Retweeted by AlwaysTiredI before E, except when you need to pee.
Retweeted by AlwaysTiredwhales have no word for “regret”
Retweeted by AlwaysTiredPsychic: People say I’m not a real psychic Therapist: And how does that make you— Psychic: shower? Therapist: No Ps…
Retweeted by AlwaysTiredWas having a great sex dream last night and for some reason my brain told me to leave and make hot chocolate.My heart Vs my body 😳😳😳😳😳
Retweeted by AlwaysTiredNasa: Perseverance rover, status report Perseverance: THERE ARE OTHER DEAD ROVERS HERE Nasa: now calm down- Perseve…
Retweeted by AlwaysTired$100 says Rand Paul is a client of hair club for men.My juice box straw is missing and there’s no way it just fell off. I smell a new Miss Marple mystery.
Retweeted by AlwaysTired
Retweeted by AlwaysTiredChris Cornell’s daughter sings ‘Hallelujah’ for father and Chester Benni... via @YouTubeChris Cornell Covers John Lennon’s “Imagine” on the Howard Stern Show (2... via @YouTubeI’ll take calm over drama every single time.
Retweeted by AlwaysTiredWorst thing about braids, I get home and immediately want to remove thinking it's a wig but nope this shit is just there the whole time.
Retweeted by AlwaysTiredThere is a certain level of I don’t give a fuck that will set you free
Retweeted by AlwaysTiredMe: I like the part where Tinkerbell is down to cut a bitch Librarian: for the last time if you don't have a chil…
Retweeted by AlwaysTireddon’t be a bitter bitch, be a butter bitch. bitches love butter.
Retweeted by AlwaysTiredHell hath no fury like a 14 yo daughter waiting for me to leave the bathroom
Retweeted by AlwaysTiredquestions about the job? me: how do u get suspended with pay.
Retweeted by AlwaysTiredMight just have a good day in spite of myself
Retweeted by AlwaysTiredDo you think serial killers are listening to true crime podcasts and strategizing on how do it better?
Retweeted by AlwaysTiredAs a palate cleanser, The Price Is Right should select a nonplussed contestant.
Retweeted by AlwaysTiredIf anyone needs a constant update on their internet speed or lack thereof, my 13 year old son would be more than happy to text you 24/7 365.
Retweeted by AlwaysTiredI need time with you, not to speak, but to listen.
Retweeted by AlwaysTired @lildandeli0n @realfartzmcgee Something is better than nothing tho. I agree, his voice and lyrics live on.Thought I saw a pile of diarrhea on tv earlier but it was just Ted Cruz
Retweeted by AlwaysTired @lildandeli0n @realfartzmcgee IKR? And Dandelion is a great name too :) @original_af @realfartzmcgee Yes, I love her! He was such a talented songwriter, too. All his lyrics are brilliant.
Retweeted by AlwaysTiredYou ever drink and get tempted to share nudes?
Retweeted by AlwaysTired @lildandeli0n @realfartzmcgee Chris’ daughter can sing too. Just miss his voice so much. @original_af @realfartzmcgee I chose lildandelion as my handle because of the song "Dandelion" 😊
Retweeted by AlwaysTiredDon’t make me pee on your rug.
Retweeted by AlwaysTiredYou know me, just a 40 year old professional holding out hope that the Loch Ness Monster is real.
Retweeted by AlwaysTiredBruh, it's a follow back not a promise to have your love child...
Retweeted by AlwaysTiredRoses are red, Stealing’s unlawful. Welcome to Roscoe’s House of
Retweeted by AlwaysTiredI tried to swallow it once, but really didn’t care for the taste. *my pride*
Retweeted by AlwaysTiredDoctor: how do you stay active? me: just jiggle the mouse every 5min
Retweeted by AlwaysTiredMy nose is now so big and long that in every selfie I take I look like a heron gazing at his reflection in the back…
Retweeted by AlwaysTiredPenguins are just making the best of what they were dealt
Retweeted by AlwaysTiredYou wanna impress me roomba? Climb up and get all the dog hair off my couch.
Retweeted by AlwaysTired @delbius @Twitter @TwitterSupport my main account is still suspended, with no viable reason given. Y'all put me on…
Retweeted by AlwaysTiredFive minutes after an argument she yelled and you know what else and I said no but I'm sure you're going to tell me…
Retweeted by AlwaysTiredI'm not allowed in Walmart anymore, I was riding a mountain bike from the sports department through the wine aisles…
Retweeted by AlwaysTiredI'm not unmotivated, I just don't like doing a lot of shit.
Retweeted by AlwaysTired