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Joined Twitter 4/29/09

@AllenVentano Maybe not, but he lives in the heart of every man, and also the BahamasImagine being this credulous
@tony_ganzer Oh my god his Israeli character is note-perfect @mosbacher_mica So have you given up on future employment or @ArmyStrang I had an uncle once tell me that capitalism is the only system for America because Adam Smith wrote his thing in 1776 @Amanda_Kerri @ArmyStrang I consider this borderline, but I accept this @ArmyStrang By the same token, Home Alone isn’t a Christmas movie; it could have been ANY vacationI’m an AnCap everybody Fiction. Keep Harvey Keitel. Beaker has to play the Gimp."i moved on her like a bitch" -- still trying to parse this phrase almost two years later. the mind reels
Retweeted by nice boy whom tweets @twitersgoodboy Caligula would be good though @mary_elizzabeth Hate when Littlefoot’s mom dies
Being a millennial in 2018 means getting a bad Uber ride and still giving the guy 5 stars because you understand th…
Retweeted by nice boy whom tweets
ME: I'm sorry for writing fake dialogue of us on twitter WIFE: *spoon-feeding me caviar* Well at least you have a huge penis
Retweeted by nice boy whom tweets @AllenVentano I hate that I know exactly what this is referring to @twitersgoodboy Yeah, that seems right. But Destroyer is so good I don’t mind. @twitersgoodboy I’m also a pro-Dan Bejar person so my opinions might well be garbage. @twitersgoodboy I think their oldest stuff is best but Brill Bruisers is up there for me @cushbomb I’m sure you’ve seen this but just in case you haven’t
John Mulaney John John Mulaney You’re my butterfly Sugar baby
Retweeted by nice boy whom tweets @legaladvice_txt Seems like an interesting law school hypothetical though. Especially if the woman is not using any force. @tony_ganzer Imagine taking this seriously @post_prufrock o7when papa John dies they’re gonna put a little pepper in the corner of his coffin
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@pixelatedboat Sorry man @Moth_Parable @embirdened I choose to believe that they were enjoying it too much and didn’t think to get the phone out until like halfway @VtheEsquire God bless your kind heart. I’m unnecessarily bothered by people who go from a 9 to 10 in life to roari…
Retweeted by nice boy whom tweetsThis is insane. And a repeat of the problem we saw in 2016: the worst kind of Democrats will refuse to go away even…
Retweeted by nice boy whom tweets @Hegelbon Ah, but that song was covered by The Minutemen on Double Nickels On The Dime, which is beloved by all cool people everywhere @AmesCG @floozyesq Nah, Sessions will announce next month that he did indeed whistle at a white woman and wrap up the investigationturns out joe crowley is actually going to do what centrist dems like to pretend bernie sanders did
Retweeted by nice boy whom tweetsI don’t know, but what I do know is that anyone who tells you they passed it is a dork and an asshole for the white smoke to rise from the pizza oven, indicating the selection of a new Papa John
Retweeted by nice boy whom tweetsBREAKING: Papa John’s founder John Schnatter resigns as the company’s chairman after saying he used a racial commen…
Retweeted by nice boy whom tweets @ArmyStrang Something something global warming @brutapologist The funniest text I ever got was from my best friend when the current pope was elected. He just said… the fuck are you on about they’re barely using it
@Moth_Parable @isamuel We can’t @Moth_Parable I’ll raise you @Moth_Parable @AnthraxJones Just need a General Sherman with flames painted on the sides @ChrisStephensMD @rusteenh Woooo can’t wait for the return of The Amazing Jonathan and Jeremy Hotz @Stefan_BC wasn’t kidding from the penalty mark is a garbage, terrible way to decide a soccer game. I have devised a marvelous alternat… @AllenVentano @pixelatedboat @LoganJames :( @AllenVentano @pixelatedboat @LoganJames Designer high-tech barrels for clothes? Definitely more Williamsburg imoAll New Zealanders are either hobbits or Lorde. I’m sorry I don’t make the rules @ReutersZengerle In theory (not that this will happen), Kennedy could be impeached. He’ll still be a salary-drawing senior judge. @twitersgoodboy @DavidKlion I first saw that book (and discovered The Onion) at about 10 years old in a bookstore i… notion of a Supreme Court nominee being “qualified” or not is basically bullshit. As long as they graduated fro… Robert’s Rules themed porn parody called Cummittee of the HoleIf you actually think Susan Sarandon voting for Jill Stein fucked this shit up you are a serious fucking idiot. Shut. The fuck.
Retweeted by nice boy whom tweets @AllenVentano I think we’re about to find out just how beholden to politicians the court is @wyatt_privilege James Tiberius Kirk Privilege @Trillburne We expected Yosemite Sam but only got Foghorn Leghorn. This is centrismI genuinely kinda want to join a pipe and drum band but I hate copsWhy does your avi look like a quarterback from 1962
@greg_doucette Can confirm @findlayassholes I loved him in every band from 2001Brett Kavanaugh sounds like the back up QB Wisconsin brings in against Michigan St who throws 3 consecutive picks
Retweeted by nice boy whom tweetsMy normal, well-meaning colleagues: Did you hear about the latest political development? Me, my brain completely br…
Retweeted by nice boy whom tweets @greg_doucette An entire generation of Democrats had their minds poisoned by The West Wing and think that good fait… @dubsteppenwolf [Does ketamine neat for the first time] Something is wrong with this ketamine @danepps THE AIR FORCE IS UNCONSTITUTIONAL
When Father hasn’t noticed you in months @degg Excellent coward’s ratio hereIf you want to drive political Twitter wild, send a couple of Uber Black cars to Roy Moore’s house right now
Retweeted by nice boy whom tweets @muhmentions BRING BACK THE FIREARMS MOHAMMEDANThis is so true anniversary to us all
Retweeted by nice boy whom tweets @isamuel Could it be an early release just in case he’s the nominee? He might not know yet. @isamuel In sorry if you’ve answered this a million times and I’ve missed it: Is any of the top contenders clearly less bad than the others?IT’S BEEN in the final round of an elementary school spelling bee for doing the d-generation x crotch chop after…
Retweeted by nice boy whom tweetsYou know shit’s bad when your leader is appointing his son-in-law to a position of power in government
Retweeted by nice boy whom tweetscan't stop thinking about going to the library and asking "hey where the walt whitman at" like cleavon little in blazing saddles
Retweeted by nice boy whom tweets @kenklippenstein One egg left over for breakfast